Best Place to Keep Legends Alive

Salt Tree, Santa Rosa

When I was a kid, there was a place in the Santa Rosa Plaza known far and wide as The Disney Store. No mystery, then, when I say that they of course sold plush dolls of beloved Disney characters, poseable action figures, play sets, movies and all the rest. Just as unsurprisingly, the staff were outgoing, endlessly pleasant and notoriously helpful—which I realize may strike as odd phrasing, but it remains accurate.

As kids, we devised a game around that known dynamic within the store, and it went as follows: Simply enter the store and try to make it to the back wall, placing your palm fully against it, then exit the store again, all without being offered help by a staff member. It was easy enough when we were kids, but became tougher to do as we grew into teenagers and the tenured store associates developed pack tactics.

After all, ours was an individual sport, for what we had in numbers we lacked in cohesion, and the organization of Team Disney was commendable.

But nothing good ever lasts forever, and The Disney Store did eventually close, and in its place now resides Salt Tree, a boujee clothing store with mannequins on their tables and perfume in their vents.

We used to throw water balloons at busy traffic, joust on roller blades with plastic lightsabers and steal street signs (minor ones, nothing important), just as storefronts that used to house emblems of childhood innocence now offer a simple variety of pastel shirts.

The world changes, and we all grow up eventually.

“Anybody ask you if you needed help?” I ask my nephew, who I’m watching for the day. He’s 10.

“Nope,” he says.

“You plant that dog turd you found on the mannequin in the back like I dared you?”

“Yep.”

“Sick. Let’s go get ice cream. Wash your hands.”

Gotta help rear the next generation, y’know? — E.D.

Best Trashy Birthday Celebration

Santa Rosa Creek Cleanup

While people bike, walk and live alongside Santa Rosa’s 100 miles of creeks each day, they may never think about the city’s storm drain system, which has more than 1,500 outfalls into these waterways. Our daily activities create pollution that funnels directly into our creeks from these storm drains—everything from dog poop to soapy water used to wash one’s car to garden pesticides can empty into our storm drains and into our creeks.

On a sunny Saturday in late February, a small group gathered at Brush Creek for our friend Derek’s birthday party. We weren’t there to bike or picnic; we were there to spend a few hours cleaning up the creek.

There’s often trash to pick up along the paved trails, but to do more intrepid creek cleanup, it’s best to wear thick-soled waterproof boots and sturdy clothes one doesn’t mind getting dirty. The City of Santa Rosa will provide volunteer creek stewards with all the tools needed to collect trash—trash bags, thick gardening gloves and long rubber-tipped grabbers.

At first, it was hard to see much trash; recent storms brought tons of plant debris through, making a lot of the trash that was there difficult to see. Yet we quickly trained our eyes to search for plastic bags and wrappers embedded in the thorny branches underfoot. As our bags filled, we all felt compelled to keep going.

Three people told me they’re addicted to creek clean up. Two volunteers told me they go out for a couple hours most days.

I get it. Beer cans and packaged food wrappers were numerous and boring to pick up, but their monotony made finding unusual items all the more exciting.

Since it was Derek’s birthday party, I polled everyone: If you had to choose a gift for Derek from the trash you found, what would you give him?

Choices included a rusty bicycle frame (no wheels), an area rug, a pair of boxer briefs, a wallet (no ID or money inside) and a plastic cactus-shaped dog chew toy. We didn’t actually give Derek these “gifts,” but Derek himself found and kept a ceramic owl knick-knack.

After we cleaned up the creek, we cleaned up ourselves and headed to Shady Oak Barrel House for hard-earned beer and pizza. A few of us were already planning our next creek cleanup day. — C.K.

Best Place to Contemplate the Passage of Time…With Chicken

Humanity Wellness Dispensary, Santa Rosa

Time doesn’t slow down. Not for a single one of us. One day, you’re a young, hopeful, real bright-eyed son of a bitch, then tomorrow becomes today, becomes yesterday, last week, then suddenly you’re 35 at the grocery store and the bag boy calls you “sir.”

I think that’s why I get drawn here to Humanity Wellness Dispensary. Location’s key, right? And this place is, like, dead center on a leyline nexus of “Where the hell is life going for any of us?”

Humanity’s great (the weed shop, I mean; people are still TBD), but they’re couched right next to the grown-over plot of land that was, once upon a time, home to K-Mart before wildfire had its way with the place like a pack of preschoolers raiding an unattended candy cart.

No irony then that Goodwill patiently lurks in the background, like a living reminder of futility that hungers for the resale value in the memories of your late grandmother’s keepsakes.

It’s almost enough to keep a guy from getting out of bed.

But El Pollo Loco is right next door, and few things give life meaning like one of their quesadillas. — E.D.

Best Place to Put Your Trust in the Strong Hands of a Stranger

Jessie Jing’s Massage Therapy, Santa Rosa

“You seem pretty extra chill today, Uncle Eric,” remarks my nephew.

“Well Kyle,” I reply, “that’s because before your mom dropped you off with me today, I was at Jessie Jing’s on 5th Street in Santa Rosa.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a massage place. Haven’t had a massage in years, but it was worth it. They start with your feet—it’s called ‘reflexology.’ And I was worried, you know because I broke my toe when I was a few years older than you, and it never quite healed right. But that man could read my body like a book. Knew which piggies to pop and where to stop.”

“Right…okay, well…”

“Yep, then he rolled me over, started workin’ my back with his elbow. God, haven’t known bliss like that in ages. His inner thigh brushed my shoulder at one point, and I was in such a state of zen-like relaxation, he could have been tea-bagging the back of my head and I wouldn’t have cared one bit. Not one bit! So yeah, very chill. You should try it when you’re, ah, older.”

“…”

“…”

“…Right.”

— E.D.

Best Place for a Little Poke and Tickle

Phillips Family Dental Care, Santa Rosa

I was raised in a pretty strict Catholic household, which just means that as an adult I take my pleasures where I can find them. Sometimes that means finding them where others are afraid to look. When I go to my dentist’s office, Phillips Family Dental Care, it’s about more than just my teeth.

The little bib they give you? I’m not above a little humiliation; take me down a peg.

Nick me with that scraper thing and ask, “Did that hurt?” You bet it did. Give it to me.

“Good. Rinse, and…now spit.” If Daddy says so.

Financial dom more your thing? I get it, part of why I go out-of-market for this.

And with Sam’s For Play Cafe right across the street—ha! Match made in Heaven. More like the “Foreplay Cafe,” am I right?

“Someone hasn’t been flossing.” That’s right, I’ve been bad. Now what’re you gonna do about it? — E.D.

Best Place to Luxuriously Ferment Yourself in Cedar (and How to Do It at Home)

Osmosis Day Spa Sanctuary

Before you ask why I, along with 900 other souls this month, have journeyed all the way to Freestone in a strangely popular pilgrimage to bury ourselves in a bath of fermented wood chips, I’ll say this: It’s been a rough year, I’m eternally stressed and DIY self-care at home just isn’t cutting it—but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The pre-fermentation tea service at Osmosis Day Spa Sanctuary was peaceful as all hell; I sipped away my worries in the tea garden room and apprecia-tea’d the limbo zone between unmitigated stress and unadulterated bliss. Drink done, my spa attendant beckoned I follow.

“Abandon every soap, you who enter,” they told me at the doorway, which I found peculiar but ultimately harmless in the grand scheme of things. What followed (also peculiar and more helpful than harmless) were the singular sensations that come from burying oneself into a biologically heated, enzyme-packed, weighted blanket-feeling bath filled to the brim with steaming fermented cedar.

I don’t really remember what happened after that, though the general consensus from those present for my first cedar bath at Osmosis was this: The moment I relaxed into the bath and let the weight of the wood cover me to my shoulders, I (allegedly) sighed, then wept, then openly, overtly and loudly wailed for my mother (again, allegedly) before going completely limp and spending my remaining time mumbling about the glory of transcension. However, all I remember was feeling warm and relaxed, so who’s to say?

Twenty minutes of (rumored) ego-death later, I emerged a changed woman, wrapped in a fluffy towel and thoroughly fermented. I returned home with a plan, which brings us back to the mention of DIY at the beginning of this tale…long story short, I rented a wood chipping machine, felled a cedar tree and stuck it all in a kiddie pool along with a 36-pack of Pabst.

Take it from me—the North Bay’s best of health, beauty and wellness, Osmosis Day Spa Sanctuary, does it better than a single person with a wood chipper and a dream ever could.

Osmosis Day Spa and Sanctuary is located at 209 Bohemian Hwy. in Freestone. Visit osmosis.com for more information. — I.C.

Best Way to Un-Mellow a Cello

Dirty Cello’s new album rocks Hopmonk Sebastopol

“We thought we would originally call it ‘Greatest Hits,’ but it sounded super pretentious,” Rebecca Roudman jokes about Dirty Cello’s “approximately” 13th album. Why they’re resorting to ballpark figures is a technical matter that pales next to the myriad achievements of the band itself.

Led by Roudman on cello, the North Bay-based band has performed everywhere from Iceland and Israel, to China and much of the U.S., not to mention the occasional castle in Scotland. They’ve played so many locales, in fact, that one wonders if this whole cello-led rock-blues-bluegrass “band thing” is really just a clever cover story for their work as international super-assassins.

I’m sure they could tell me, but they’d have to kill me. So, I don’t ask and choose instead to become complicit in their cover: The band is playing a gig in support of “Number 13” (because, honestly, “Greatest Hits” is kinda on the nose for hit-men) at Sebastopol’s Hopmonk.

The album is composed of high-energy, rocking originals that “all have a story” and are based on the myriad misadventures, travel disasters and internal frictions that occur within creative collaborations. “All of the songs on the album come from some weird event of an incident, usually inspired by ourselves, sometimes inspired by other people—and some of the songs are even secretly inspired by other band members, but they don’t know this,” laughs Roudman.

One track on the album, “Cloud Nine,” was inspired by a fan whose usually dour disposition had turned ebullient when they next saw her. “We’re like, okay, what’s going on? What’s the change? She said, ‘I’m really happy because my divorce just got finalized,’” said Roudman.

Another song came courtesy of an Ohio man who hired the band to help win back a woman who had dumped him. “Despite our advice, the guy insisted upon a nearly half-hour concert of non-romantic Disney songs played in a freezing park in near darkness,” recalls Roudman. “If you want to find out what happened next, you’ll have to come to the show and hear our song, ‘Don’t Offer Me Weed.’”

Get the real story when Dirty Cello performs at 8pm, Saturday, March 25, at Hopmonk Tavern, 230 Petaluma Ave., Sebastopol. Tickets are $25 and available at dirtycello.com or hopmonk.com/livemusic. — DH

Best Barnyard Trifecta

Three Favorites, Santa Rosa & Sebastopol

I wager that the richest beverage race in Sonoma County lies along a certain backstretch of track between Santa Rosa Avenue and Highway 116. The starting line begins at HenHouse Brewing Co., on Bellevue Avenue—the perfect place to put blinders on and indulge in handles of Oyster Stout, followed by grips of Gorilla Coop. At this point, the odds are in our favor; the handicap is manageable.

But should we stumble, a 10-minute Lyft ride across the board to Crooked Goat Brewing, in Sebastopol’s Barlow District, will allow our liquid marathon to safely continue with pints of Bee Beard honey ale for good luck and Mountain Goat IPAs to set our inhibitions free. Feeling our oats now, we intrepid racers can hoof the final furlong over to Third Pig Bar on South Main Street, where all bets are off as we jockey for the daily double: pitchers of Fluffy Puppy porter and a round of chilled New Year, New Pigs.

It’s not even midnight and the finish line has been crossed. The race is over: We’re in the money now.

HenHouse Brewing Co., 322 Bellevue Ave., Santa Rosa. Brewery and tasting room hours: Mon–Thu 4–9pm, Fri 2–9pm, Sat–Sun 11am to 9pm.

henhousebrewing.com/location/santa-rosa

Crooked Goat Brewing, 120 Morris St., #120, Sebastopol. Hours: Sun–Wed 11:30am to 9pm, Thu 11:30am to 10pm, Fri & Sat 11:30am to 11pm. 707.827.3893. www.crookedgoatbrewing.com/sebastopol

Third Pig Bar, 116 S Main St., Sebastopol. Hours: Wed–Sat 4pm to midnight, Sun noon to 6pm,

closed Mon & Tue. www.thirdpigbar.com — M.F.

Best Place to Not Drown Your Sorrows but Teach Them to Swim

Flora Luna, Petaluma

Dear Reader: I broke from a deep sleep to the sound of a thunderclap—wait, no, it was just a person closing their door three floors above me. Still, when you’re this hungover…

Bleary-eyed, I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, tequila and fermented brews aren’t what will keep me from the brink of infinite woe…instead, perhaps bitters without the bitterness of boozing is the way to go!

And so I set out to unearth the rarest of treasures, a diamond in the rough (world of casual post-pandemic alcoholism): a bar with no booze. And that, dear reader, is how I found myself in the chicken-revering streets of Petaluma, sequestered in the cozy embrace of Flora Luna, the North Bay’s best and only alcohol-free cocktail lounge.

I sip my artisanal beverage, a spicy number called “No Strings Attached,” and think to myself, “At Flora Luna, I’m not drowning my sorrows—I’m teaching them to swim!”

Flora Luna is located at 122 Kentucky St. in Petaluma. For more information, visit the website at floralunaapothecary.com. — I.C.

Best Place to Pretend Like You Own Land

The Madrona Manor, Healdsburg

Like I’m always telling my nephew, take any two powerful figures, fictional or otherwise, from just about any medium of storytelling, and you’ll notice that, whoever they are, they have two things in common: They’re landowners, and they’re not afraid to drink booze in the afternoon.

Warren Buffet. Probably a bigger fan of the ol’ booger-sugar, but Buffet’s also emblematic of the Rich Old White Guy who keeps a New England mansion for a summer home and does his deals at two in the afternoon with an Old Fashioned in his hand.

Colonel Sanders. While not depicted as such in any of KFC’s advertising, it’s known perfectly well he’s in his element standing on a wrap-around porch he owns with a mint julep in his hand while the sun is high.

Jesus H. Christ. The guy turns water into wine and “He’s got the whole world in his hands, the whole wide world, in his hands.” That’s the king of both boozing and landownership.

Now, with the economy being what it is and me having been born in the early ’90s, so that I was going to high school during the time I should have been investing in foreclosed property, owning a piece of land in an actual, legal sense is a boat that I and those like me have missed.

So that’s why I come to The Madrona Manor in Healdsburg, to play pretend that I’m Colonel Sanders.

Technically a boutique hotel (whatever that means), it’s a big ol’ mansion that overlooks a vineyard. It’s a perfect place to walk the grounds, sit on the porch in a rocking chair, swirl a drink in your hand and imagine yourself as the heir to an oil or cattle ranching empire. And, ironically at the same cost as a down payment on a house, you can even stay the night.

As a bonus for any of those nighttime guests, the place is rumored to be lightly haunted. So like the bourbon cocktail in your hand while you muse on the life you could have had, the spirits will accent your stay. — E.D.

Best Place to Keep Legends Alive

Salt Tree, Santa Rosa When I was a kid, there was a place in the Santa Rosa Plaza known far and wide as The Disney Store. No mystery, then, when I say that they of course sold plush dolls of beloved Disney characters, poseable action figures, play sets, movies and all the rest. Just as unsurprisingly, the staff were outgoing,...

Best Trashy Birthday Celebration

Santa Rosa Creek Cleanup While people bike, walk and live alongside Santa Rosa’s 100 miles of creeks each day, they may never think about the city’s storm drain system, which has more than 1,500 outfalls into these waterways. Our daily activities create pollution that funnels directly into our creeks from these storm drains—everything from dog poop to soapy...

Best Place to Contemplate the Passage of Time…With Chicken

Humanity Wellness Dispensary, Santa Rosa Time doesn't slow down. Not for a single one of us. One day, you're a young, hopeful, real bright-eyed son of a bitch, then tomorrow becomes today, becomes yesterday, last week, then suddenly you're 35 at the grocery store and the bag boy calls you “sir.” I think that's why I get drawn here to Humanity...

Best Place to Put Your Trust in the Strong Hands of a Stranger

Jessie Jing’s Massage Therapy, Santa Rosa “You seem pretty extra chill today, Uncle Eric,” remarks my nephew. “Well Kyle,” I reply, “that's because before your mom dropped you off with me today, I was at Jessie Jing's on 5th Street in Santa Rosa.” “What's that?” “It's a massage place. Haven't had a massage in years, but it was worth it. They start with...

Best Place for a Little Poke and Tickle

Phillips Family Dental Care, Santa Rosa I was raised in a pretty strict Catholic household, which just means that as an adult I take my pleasures where I can find them. Sometimes that means finding them where others are afraid to look. When I go to my dentist's office, Phillips Family Dental Care, it's about more than just my teeth. The...

Best Place to Luxuriously Ferment Yourself in Cedar (and How to Do It at Home)

Osmosis Day Spa Sanctuary Before you ask why I, along with 900 other souls this month, have journeyed all the way to Freestone in a strangely popular pilgrimage to bury ourselves in a bath of fermented wood chips, I’ll say this: It’s been a rough year, I’m eternally stressed and DIY self-care at home just isn’t cutting it—but I’m getting...

Best Way to Un-Mellow a Cello

Dirty Cello’s new album rocks Hopmonk Sebastopol “We thought we would originally call it ‘Greatest Hits,’ but it sounded super pretentious,” Rebecca Roudman jokes about Dirty Cello’s “approximately” 13th album. Why they’re resorting to ballpark figures is a technical matter that pales next to the myriad achievements of the band itself. Led by Roudman on cello, the North Bay-based band has...

Best Barnyard Trifecta

Three Favorites, Santa Rosa & Sebastopol I wager that the richest beverage race in Sonoma County lies along a certain backstretch of track between Santa Rosa Avenue and Highway 116. The starting line begins at HenHouse Brewing Co., on Bellevue Avenue—the perfect place to put blinders on and indulge in handles of Oyster Stout, followed by grips of Gorilla Coop....

Best Place to Not Drown Your Sorrows but Teach Them to Swim

Flora Luna, Petaluma Dear Reader: I broke from a deep sleep to the sound of a thunderclap—wait, no, it was just a person closing their door three floors above me. Still, when you’re this hungover… Bleary-eyed, I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, tequila and fermented brews aren’t what will keep me from the brink of infinite woe…instead, perhaps bitters...

Best Place to Pretend Like You Own Land

The Madrona Manor, Healdsburg Like I'm always telling my nephew, take any two powerful figures, fictional or otherwise, from just about any medium of storytelling, and you'll notice that, whoever they are, they have two things in common: They're landowners, and they're not afraid to drink booze in the afternoon. Warren Buffet. Probably a bigger fan of the ol' booger-sugar, but...
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