‘Apocalypse: The Book of Revelation’

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‘Apocalypse: The Book of Revelation’


Word for Word: Eliot Fintushel makes the word flesh in ‘Apocalypse.’

Hot Damn

For actor-writer Eliot Fintushel, the end of the world is a one-man show

Anyone who’s ever sat down to read the book of Revelation–that fierce and fiery end paper to the Christian Bible–is no doubt aware that unless you’re a biblical scholar, a born-again fundamentalist, or a raving wacko, the 22-chapter book is a hell of a read. Emphasis on hell.

Purportedly penned by the apostle John while in exile on the island of Patmos, Revelation (imagine a first-century “dream journal” describing a deep-trance vision so trippy and freakish it would have made Timothy Leary give up drugs) is nothing like the comforting poetry of the apostle’s lyrical Gospel According to John. On the contrary, Revelation is confrontational, bizarre, dense with Jungian metaphor, ludicrously over the top–and damn scary. It’s no wonder that every Revelation-inspired movie, TV show, or novel (think of The Omen, Millennium, and the Left Behind series) has told its tale through the genre of horror.

It’s amazing, then, that in the world premiere of Eliot Fintushel’s bold, new one-man show Apocalypse: The Book of Revelation, John’s massive vision is staged in a way that illuminates the shock and awe of its recurring images but somehow steers the piece clear of expected horror clichés, all without resorting to satire or comic wink-winkery. One could even call it a miracle. Fintushel, a longtime Sonoma County actor and writer with numerous award-winning solo works to his credit, cleverly allows the book to speak for its own startling, roller-coaster self.

He brilliantly accomplishes this feat by acting out every single word of Revelation. All 11,995 of them. Perhaps it’s only Fintushel’s way of heeding the book’s spooky final warning, where plagues and eternal death are promised to anyone who “either addeth or taketh away” anything from the book. Whatever his spiritual inclinations might be, the result of his decision is bold, brave, mesmerizing–and, yes, occasionally kind of terrifying.

After all, in Revelation God reveals his step-by-step plan for the destruction of the world, from the battle of Armageddon to the final wiping away of the earth. It’s not a pretty picture, even when Fintushel describes the new world order while standing on his head.

Like the vision of John itself, Fintushel’s Apocalypse nearly defies description. Mixing the highly imagistic scripture with instrumental music, multifaced masks, dance movement, and other tools from the basic New Theater box of tricks, Fintushel is nothing short of mesmerizing. Barefooted, clad in black sweat pants and shirt, he fully commands the tiny little stage at the Loading Zone Collective.

With ingeniously choreographed movements, he takes turns playing God, the Devil, various spirits, the whore of Babylon and poor, rattled St. John himself, spilling his vision of talking beasts, seven-headed monsters, and bloodthirsty angels in an energized flood of adrenalized verbiage, like some nervous, wide-eyed guy at a party describing an acid trip while it is still technically occurring.

What catapults the show above mere recitation–and far beyond its religious trappings–is Fintushel’s breathtaking actorly interpretations of the text, as when a heavenly guide shows John the Lake of Fire, then repeats the words “lake of fire” with dreamy semisexual excitement. Whenever God appears, describing his love for his followers and the agonizing doom awaiting all others, Fintushel plays God’s flip-flop, from fatherly warmth to grimacing, shrieking wrath, with such suddenness and intensity that the result is terrifying.

Is God suffering from bipolar disorder? One begins to wonder.

Apocalypse–which Fintushel plans to take on the road after its North Bay run–has a few awkward transitions, mainly when Fintushel has to shift between his performance of the text and his singing and playing on a variety of ancient musical instruments. And given the intensity of the subject matter, one might also wish for a couple of laughs along the way–hey, the bit where John keeps worshipping the wrong person could be pretty funny–but such details are relatively trivial.

All said and done, Apocalypse–a one-of-a-kind theater piece, as disturbing as it is exhilarating–is a wild story simply told, and in the end, it’s simply unforgettable.

‘Apocalypse: The Book of Revelation’ plays in Studio 208 at the Kid Street Theater on the corner of Davis and Eighth streets in Santa Rosa. The show runs through April 5, with 8pm shows on Friday and Saturday, and 2pm matinees on Saturday and Sunday. Tickets are $10. 707.526.1481.

From the March 27-April 2, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Best of Everyday

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Best of Everyday

[ ‘Best of’ Index ]

“Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Goldmine of Useless Little Plastic Toys
Bins and bins and bins of them, all lined up along the front counter: pregnant woman key chains, pooping rubber cows, sci-fi robot men, menacing scorpion monster women, pinkie nail-sized baby dolls, gigantic high-bounce balls. Every splendidly useless stocking stuffer and fleeting desktop distraction ever made is at this shop, as well as every novelty candy, oddball light fixture, Emily the Strange T-shirt, and anything else that would normally occupy the shelves at Spencer’s Gifts in the mall–only minus the truly tacky stuff. The Sausalito Ferry Gift Co., 688 Bridgeway, Sausalito. 415.332.9590. –S.B.

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Weekly Polka Jam
An old-fashioned dance hall with a well-worn dance floor, Little Switzerland plays host to bands of all kinds–from swamp stomp to Latin dance–but on weekends, polka rules the roost. Little Switzerland’s legion of faithful dancers (a mature but vivacious crowd) come out, often in full lederhosen regalia, to cut a rug. Who would have guessed that a hotbed of accordion activity exists in one of the sleepiest sections of Sonoma? Laden with Old World charm, the venue was first established in 1904 and was later owned by Austrian expatriate Al Gruber, whose Al Gruber Band played there an average of 18 hours every weekend. In 1991, Gruber and his wife sold Little Switzerland to Tony and Alina Garcia (the Garcias first met at Little Switzerland over 30 years ago) .Where else can you go for dinner, dancing, and a beer garden? Big Switzerland, I guess. 401 Grove St., Sonoma. 707.938.9990.–S.B.

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Place to Show Your Face
Ever since last October, the hottest place to show your face is Heebe Jeebe in Petaluma, where owner Drew Washer has proven herself the queen of all that is cool by installing a gloriously retro, black-and-white photo booth in the front corner of the store. To aid subjects in creating their $3, four-frame vertical masterpieces, Washer keeps a basket of hats and wigs near the booth, along with a piece of clear Plexiglas so folks can be photographed with their faces all squished against the glass. “People have been really creative with it,” Washer says of the nifty contraption (serial number 13578, built in 1991, and until recently employed at a restaurant in Apple Valley, where Roy Rogers and Dale Evans lived). “I like to think Roy and Dale had their own kind of fun in this booth before they died,” Washer says. (Shown: Tyler Fitzgerald.) 47 Kentucky St., Petaluma. 707.773.2880.–D.T.

Best Political Dirty Trick
You’ve got to give Santa Rosa mayor Mike Martini credit. When he plays politics, he plays to win. Case in point: the ruthlessly effective way in which the mayor used the Pledge of Allegiance to eliminate a liberal foe on the city council. The story starts in 1954, during the height of the Cold War, when Congress revised the pledge to include the words “under God.” Champions of the change believed this would smoke out commie spies, since Reds can’t reference the Almighty without an Exorcist-type head spin. Then, last summer, some smartass in Sacramento decided to take the pledge to court for violating the separation of church and state. When the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals said he had a point, the nation reacted with outrage and confusion, and Mayor Martini sprung into action. The Santa Rosa City Council does not usually salute the flag at meetings. But on July 2, as public officials around the country were pondering pledge-related legal liability, Martini abruptly informed the council that they would be reciting the full pledge–“under God” included–when they entered council chambers. He broke the news minutes before the meeting, naturally. Some council members, including environmentalist Marsha Vas Dupre, balked. The other shoe dropped in November when Vas Dupre came up for reelection. One of her opponents (who, like Martini, was backed by business interests) attacked Vas Dupre’s patriotism in a brutally effective mailing to voters shortly before election day. Vas Dupre lost her seat by a slim margin, and Martini now faces one fewer council opponent. Meanwhile, down in hell, some Italian guy named Machiavelli is burning with envy.–P.S.

Best Way to Bring Shoppers–and Their Horses–Across the Great Divide
For years, the city of Santa Rosa wrangled over the question of how to lure skittish shoppers to patronize the languishing merchants of Railroad Square. The obstacle: a previous brainstorm, the Santa Rosa Plaza, a labyrinth that for more than 20 years has cut downtown in half. For a time, Rosie the trolley careened around, dejectedly searching for passengers to take on a nickel ride to the other side, her cheerful pretensions fading to a jaded smirk. Finally a plan was hit on. Last May, at a cost of over $600,000, Fourth Street was squeezed to the size of a bike lane and a grand promenade of old-fashioned lamp posts installed. The route is still far from intuitive. One weaves to the left through the mall, followed by the eyes of dozens of teen cell-phone salespersons. One jogs to the left, underneath low, ugly slabs of parking garage, and straight through a menacing rectangle of dead space, enlivened only by grave-plot type landscaping. After crossing a street where cars have just exited at freeway speeds, there is yet one more bend in the road. At first I thought the short, metal bollards with bulbs on the top were there for the safety of pedestrians, but a friend pointed out how they might be equally useful as horse-hitching posts. Taking this into consideration, I found that this section of Fourth Street now provides hitching facilities for up to 28 horses. Clearly, Santa Rosa is now on the right track, with this blend of the old and the new: the generic, commercial, modern-day “street of crocodiles” that is the mall, and the train-deprived nostalgia of Railroad Square.–J.K.

Best Advertising Campaign
It was the end of a long, long, long day of Christmas shopping, and the woman in front of me at the cashier couldn’t make up her mind about the blue shirt. “It’s cute don’t you think? I guess I should get it? Oh, OK let’s do it. You know what, maybe not. Oh, you have to void the whole thing? I’m so sorry.” All the while I was fretting and fidgeting and worrying about getting a parking ticket any second. But I was almost there, and just one more minute and I’d be completely finished with all this shopping. Then followed that sprint to my car and the feeling of my heart sinking as I saw the paper fluttering on the windshield. Bless the folks at G&C Auto Body who left a note on my windshield telling me that they put more money in the parking meter so I wouldn’t get a ticket.–M.W.

Best Place to Find the Shirt of Your Dreams–For Cheap
One thing about going thrifting is that after sorting through all those dingy records, books, and clothing in various states of disarray, you kind of feel like you need to take a shower. Some thrift stores are tidier than others, and some look like a hurricane recently tore through. It’s all part of the game. These are the sacrifices a thrifty shopper makes to score a pearl-snap plaid cowboy shirt for $3.50, right? Well, while the entire Goodwill family of stores tends to have a higher standard for store orderliness than most, their store on Industrial Drive in Santa Rosa is amazing: the prices are low; the clothing is organized by gender, then by size, and then by type; and the furniture and appliances are not just jumbled in one big mess. Sure, some thrift stores have better stuff in a tidier setting, but their prices reflect that. At this Goodwill, it’s the best of both worlds. 3535 Industrial Drive, Santa Rosa. 707.545.2492.–S.B.

Best Picture of a Stoned Tiger on a Pool Table
Red’s Recovery Room has received a fair amount of attention from the music community, getting props from both Tom Waits (“Filipino Box Spring Hog”) and the Clodhopper’s album Red’s Recovery Room. What Red’s has not (as far as I know) been noted for, however, is its most creepy and simultaneously alluring aspect: those aging color photos that hang framed above the bar, picturing a tiger laying across one of the pool tables. First off, what was a tiger doing at Red’s? And how did Red’s get the tiger to go up on the pool table without biting anyone’s head off? And why does the tiger have this cloudy, stoned look weighing down its eyelids? Red’s is known for cheap and stiff drinks. After a few of those, sitting at the bar and looking up at those photos, the fate of that doped-up tiger gets mighty intriguing. I could just ask the bartender what’s up with those photos, but somehow I’d rather just leave it a mystery, thank you. The truth is often dispassionately mundane. Or just too gory. 8175 Gravenstein Hwy., Cotati.–S.B.

Best Behaved Former Members of Murderous Avian Conspiracy
At the end of Alfred Hitchcock’s 1963 thriller, the birds would seem to have won. The random terror of nature has even overcome the human characters’ threatening Oedipal complexes, and it’s birds, birds, birds as far as you can see. The Birds is still a must-see, as much for the local scenery as for the drama between the not really likable characters when they are on the verge of pecking each other’s eyes out. Whether you laugh or cringe at the predigital effects simulating avian onslaught, you’re glad that a Sunday on the coast is never like this, that the birds, are in fact “gone.” But you’re wrong. A small garrison of two crows has been confirmed to be holed up in the Casino bar in the hamlet of Bodega. They’ve been holding the bar for 40 years, since they were given to the owners by members of Hitchcock’s crew who were fond of the watering hole. Papier-mâché props that look like crows, they don’t inspire terror. Quite the contrary, they have been enlisted in the defense of the nation. Since 9-11 their perch above the bar has become a patriotic red, white, and blue display over which the crows preside, ever vigilant, and this time–one hopes–on our side. Check out the barbecue oysters on weekends starting in April, when the historic bar becomes a favorite stop for our two-wheeled, fine leathered friends. 17135 Bodega Hwy., Bodega. 707.8786.3185.–J.K.

Best Rubbernecking Spot
Out on Lakeville Highway, a couple of miles outside the town of Petaluma, the hills are frequently alive with the sounds of sheep, cows, horses, and the occasional crash of metal and glass as cars slam into one another because the drivers have been staring out the window at all the scampering animals on the happy hills. It’s a dangerous spot indeed, second only to the annual freeway-clogging corn maze–off Highway 101 near the Petaluma Boulevard North exit–in rubbernecking popularity. It’s hard to believe that a few dozen baby lambs trotting beside their fluffy mothers would make so many of us slam on our brakes for a closer look, but we do, don’t we? Of course, the lambs are nothing compared to the little critters scampering through the pastures of Winners’ Circle Ranch. Located on several acres right along Lakeville, Winners’ Circle is one of the world’s leading exporters of show-quality miniature horses. No higher than a tire–not one of them grows taller than 34 inches–the hand-raised, champion-stock equines look like tiny, magical, animated toys, skittering about on the green hillage just east of the road. It’s a breathtaking site, as if you’d turned a corner and found yourself in Oz or Narnia or the R&D department of Mattel. Just remember, they are real–and so is that truck coming at you down the road. So if you really want to take a look, check the website at www.winnerscircle.com. It’s a lot safer.–D.T.

Best Riverfront Driven Over in ‘Howard the Duck’
According to the information-packed website www.visitpetaluma.com, “the Riverfront at the foot of Western Avenue was where the police car splashed into the water in Howard the Duck.” And you can easily go and see this cinematic landmark, along with many others, in a self-guided movie tour of Petaluma, which is all outlined on the website. See St. Vincent’s Church, which was used for the TV remake of Shadow of a Doubt with Mark Harmon, as well as Basic Instinct with Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone. The quaint look of downtown Petaluma–the Mystic Theatre, some houses on Howard Street–has been immortalized in many decent to excellent Hollywood films. You could make a day of it: Go to all of the spots, then to the video store, and then have your own mini Petaluma film festival, which could include American Graffiti, Mumford, Phenomenon, The Horse Whisperer, and the 1998 remake of Lolita. Howard the Duck is optional.–S.B.

Best Place to Pretend to Be a Fighter Pilot
What’s the fun of looking at old airplanes if you can’t climb into them and make believe you’re flying? The Pacific Coast Air Museum understands this need, so every third weekend of the month they host their Climb Aboard Weekend, where children young and old can go into a select historic plane. Recent planes include the mean-looking F-16N Viper (the Navy’s version of the F-16, the hot rod of Air Force jets), the F-14A Tomcat, and the HU-16E Albatross. Guides are on hand to handle the history and specifics of the planes, and to explain what all the little buttons do. The museum also has a permanent display of historic planes open several days a week. Kids are admitted free. 2330 Airport Blvd., Santa Rosa. 707.575.7900 or pacificcoastairmuseum.org–J.L.

Best Road Mistaken for a Roller Coaster
Straddling the Mayacamas Mountains that divide Napa and Sonoma counties, Trinity Road and the Oakville Grade meet up to make one of the narrowest, twistiest, turniest, panorama-heavy drives this side of the Sierras. The half-hour route affords breathtaking eagle’s-eye views of both valleys, and deals out more dips and swings than the Tilt-a-Whirl at the fair. Passage across the Oakville Grade is technically free, though it does come at a price–and that price could be your lunch. Once, friends and I had gone winetasting in Napa in the afternoon, eaten sushi, and driven over the grade to Sonoma. All of those hairpin turns sloshed the raw fish and red wine around in my stomach pretty badly. Cookies were nearly tossed. So take this as a warning: Raw fish and tannins don’t mix, but don’t let that discourage you from taking one of the best drives ever. From Highway 12 in Glen Ellen drive east on Trinity Road to Dry Creek Road and on to Oakville Grade.–S.B.

Best Indy 500 Experience
It’s only the professional drivers on closed courses (as the small print of the TV commercials reminds us) who have the opportunity to drive the switchbacks and hills of Route One in a way that we’ll never experience (lacking a death wish or a desire to kill bicyclists). But the experience–the wind in one’s hair, the bugs on the windshield–can be had on a certain stretch of a certain decidedly unclosed course directly north of the Golden Gate Bridge. From the end of the bridge, swooping into the leftmost lane and gaining speed as you climb to the Waldo Tunnel, then taking the corners tight, tight, like Mario would, and dropping down toward the Mill Valley exits, you can perhaps just imagine that you’re suited up in your sponsorship outfit, feeling the adrenaline of the race. This does not, however, apply to commute hours. For an added thrill, stay in the left lane in Novato, while passing the University of Phoenix buildings on the right. There are two smooth bumps on the road that might, just might, get you air.–D.B.

Best Place to Find Out About New Bands That Would Be in ‘Spin’ Magazine in Four Months, If ‘Spin’ Was That Cool, But It’s Not
What do the following bands–the Epoxies, the Briefs, the Stitches, the Distraction–have in common? Besides having members who wear skinny ties and razor sunglasses, they’ve all done in-store shows at Red Devil Records. And, yeah, they may have been invite-only (it’s a small store), but it’s worth palling up to owner Barry Lazarus to see high-energy shows in such an intimate setting. Red Devil Records is the place to find the latest punk-rock music on the punk-rock medium of choice, the vinyl 7-inch. A lifelong fan of bands who play loud, fast, count “One-two-three-four!”, and chant “All right, All right!”, Lazarus also has a column in local music rag Section M and a new show on KRCB on alternate Thursdays. He’s the person to talk to if you want to find out about music with a little more balls than that Polo-shirt-wearing dude from Dashboard Confessional. Know why music sales are down? It’s not because of file-sharing; it’s because major labels are releasing super-crap! 170 Kentucky St., Petaluma. 707.769.8999.–S.B.

Best Rail System in the North Bay
This one’s a toss-up between the Napa Valley Wine Train and the Old Main Street Saloon in Sebastopol. In the Napa Valley, passengers sit on a train, sip wine, and watch the wine country go by. Their friendly, curious faces peering from the windows of the train are a regular feature for Highway 29 motorists. At Old Main, patrons can sit and drink, and watch a train go by. The model train runs on a track about 10 feet up, in a loop around the establishment. The Napa Wine Train costs upwards of $70 for a three-hour tour. The Old Main Street train sets you back 75 cents. A reclining nude figure can be glimpsed on one of its flat cars. No similar claim has been made in Napa. In the Wine Train’s interior of “hand-rubbed Honduran Mahogany, polished brass, and grape-motif etched glass,” guests are treated to “a deliciously crafted culinary and complete wine experience.” Old Main Street has pool tables and free popcorn. In either case, passengers end up right where they started: in a parking lot in Napa, or on a bar stool in Sebastopol. This is as good as it gets, folks. If and when a real passenger rail service serving North Bay commuters gets running, I sure hope it has free popcorn as well. Napa Valley Wine Train, 1275 McKinstry St., Napa. 707.253.2111. Old Main Street Saloon, 153 N. Main St., Sebastopol. 707.829-1172.–J.K.

Best Place to Watch People Pick Their Noses
Downtown Santa Rosa in general is premium people-watching territory, with all the punkers and panhandlers and businesspeople walking to and fro. The Sonoma County Central Library, though, is in a class of its own, slicing through every ethnic, economic, and educational profile possible, proving that libraries indeed do serve as society’s idealized neutral zone. There are people there who can’t read, and there are people who read nonstop from open to close–things like astrology manuals or books on South American art. There are also a lot of homeless dudes who are crazy and smelly and talk to themselves (remember to look at the seat of any given chair before sitting down). But the homeless dudes are mostly harmless, and probably the main reason they hang out there–besides that it’s, um, free–is because they too know it’s good for people watching. Isn’t that circular? Third and E streets, Santa Rosa. 707.545.0831.–S.B.

Best Evidence That North Bay Drivers Have the Minds of Toddlers
In beginning psychology class or any child development book, you learn that children have “preoperative” cognition as regards spatial relations and so on. They think, for instance, that a tall glass holds more water than a short glass, even after you show them it’s the same amount of water in each. Apparently, drivers on our increasingly congested highways and streets suffer from a latency condition. It goes like this: Left lane is almost bumper-to-bumper, driving 65 mph. Right lane is slower, but a space opens up. The genius behind you whips into the right lane and zooms ahead. He then discovers for the 17,000th time that the right lane is generally slower than the left. He slams on his brakes and cuts in front of you at the last minute, seeing that you have lagged two seconds behind the rest of traffic. More often than is humanly comprehensible, this driver usually cuts off someone else in the right lane to get off at the next exit. Remember “safe following distance,” people? Or were you too busy rolling joints in the back of driver’s education class? Two seconds. Say “one thousand one, one thousand two.” See you at the stop light, preop.–J.K.

Best Weird Souvenir
At Seagull Gifts and Deli in picturesque Jenner, you can pick up various doodads and souvenirs, ranking in quality from the classy to the tacky. The strangest collectible, however, is a refrigerator magnet emblazoned with the words “Jenner by the Sea” and featuring a full-color illustration of one of Jenner’s famous . . . chimpanzees. Actually, there are no chimpanzees in Jenner. The magnet was a mistake. The shop ordered a bunch of similar magnets, some with whales or sea lions or seagulls or sea otters, all of which Jenner does have. They received a big box of the chimp magnets by accident. Oddly, the offbeat refrigerator adornment has now become one of the shop’s briskest sellers. 10439 Hwy., 1, Jenner. 707.865.2594.–D.T.

Best Name for a Bail-Bond Service
You’ve got to love a bail-bond service called Zig Zag. Inexplicably named for pot smokers’ favorite brand of paper products, Zig Zag Bail Bonds is a bail-bonding emporium of sorts, with locations in Napa, San Francisco, Richmond, and beyond. The San Rafael outpost is conveniently located right across the street from the Marin County Civic Center and courthouse, right above the kitschiest diner in town, named Bogies. As in Humphrey Bogart. As in “Don’t bogart that joint.” Coincidence? You decide. 48 N. San Pedro Road, San Rafael. 415.479.6636.–D.T.

Best Place to Architecture-Gawk
You’re there to fill out forms or bail out a friend or pay off a ticket or apply for a license. So why are you thinking almost without cease about the soft undulations of the lovely female breast, one that you’d suddenly like to see covered in gold? Must be because famed architect Frank Lloyd Wright designed the Marin Civic Center and its adjacent Post Office and Marin Center to mimic the bosomy contours of the sweet, near hills. The 770th commission Wright obtained in his assuredly illustrious career, these government buildings were posthumously completed from 1962 to 1969, but the architect’s mark remains certain upon every waste receptacle, every door knob, all the official outdoor signage, and each of the elevator buttons, making the ordinary round of tedious errands suddenly as illuminated as the daring (for their time) atriums that spine the entire course of the Civic Center’s interior. Wright believed in architecture for democracy (huzzah!) and allowed that he was “proud to make the buildings of this county characteristic of the beauty of the county.” For the proudly inspired, docent-led tours of the Marin Civic Center are available every Wednesday at 10:30am, no reservations required. Groups of eight or more can arrange a private tour–no form, bail bond, laggard ticket, or license necessary. 3501 Civic Center Blvd., San Rafael. 415.499.6646.–G.G.

Best Locally Observed Bumper Stickers
Spotted on a PT Cruiser in Novato: “What Would Scooby Do?”
Spotted on at least a hundred vehicles in Petaluma: “Save the Potholes.”
Spotted in Novato: “Militant Agnostic: I Don’t Know and You Don’t Either.”
Spotted in Santa Rosa: “Jesus Loves You–Everyone Else Thinks You’re an Asshole.”
Spotted in Napa: “Sheets Happen” and “Visualize Creamed Corn.”–D.T.

Best Music to Shop By
The Russian River Blues Festival and Jazz on the River audiences can be divided into a well-defined circular stratum that would make Dante proud. Highest of all are those aficionados who attend simply to hear the music; below them are those who enjoy reading the paper while listening to the music; next are those revelers who like to read the paper and dip in the river while enjoying the music; and then there are those leisured hordes who like to drink beer in the sun while eating a picnic and reading the paper before dipping in the river while enjoying the music. The lowest rung of all is reserved for a very select few: those who like to shop while enjoying the music–sun, beer, newspapers, river, and picnics be damned. Featuring what can only be delicately termed a kick-ass boutique fair, these festivals are eagerly awaited by the prudent. As the day progresses, a mad build-up of covetry emerges as one gorgeous woman after another sashays by wearing, say, an enormously overbuilt straw hat, the proportions of which trump the interior of any ordinary midsized car. Mine is a modest apple green, tends to stain my forehead a curious yellow, and must travel by lap. Russian River Blues Festival, June 28-29; Jazz on the River, Sept. 6-7. Both at Johnson’s Beach, Guerneville. 510.655.9471.–G.G.

Best Recent Movie Theater Trend
Knowing that popcorn exists primarily as a conduit for salt and that melted butter exists solely as edible glue to stick the salt in place, we who love salty popcorn are always happy when we enter a movie theater that provides piles of those little individual salt packets. Nothing is worse than sprinkling a layer of salt from a stingy theater’s paltry little salt shaker–almost always chained to the straw dispenser so we can’t take it into the movie with us–and then having to eat nine-tenths of the popcorn with no salt on it at all. Bah! By having those little packets of sodium, we can salt the popcorn layer by layer as we work to the bottom of the bag. Our arteries may not appreciate this trend, but we still think it’s the best thing since, well, popcorn.–D.T.

Best Bad Movie Theater Trend
Whoever thought that add-it-yourself butter flavoring was a good idea should be boiled in butter-scented vegetable oil and buried with an overcooked hot dog through his heart. Pacific Theaters, we mean you! While we enjoy applying our own salt to our popcorn, there is nothing so unappetizing as pumping warm goo onto our favorite snack from greasy dispensers in which a puddle of unnaturally yellow slime has accumulated. Like pork sausages and congressional tax bills, some things are better when you don’t have to see how they’re made. Pacific Theaters: Put the flavoring back behind the counter where it belongs!–D.T.

Best Place to Find the World’s Most Knowledgeable and Chatty Used Bookseller
Art Kusnetz knows books like almost nobody. Within the subterranean used bookstore beneath the main floor of Copperfield’s in Petaluma, Kusnetz operates in a surreal, highly literary nether world. His underground shop is decorated with a large plywood cow (don’t ask) and an unofficial exhibition of strange public assistance signs and other literary notices–“Tom Cruise has braces; We have books.” Most importantly, it houses a huge collection of unforgettable and often hard-to-find used volumes and other collectibles. Check out the autographed typewritten program from a public address by Martin Luther King or test Kusnetz’s knowledge of old nautical textbook authors. While the upstairs of Copperfield’s is pretty cool too–check out the children’s books section and browse a copy of Chris Van Allsburg’s new book Zathura–there is more to the place than what exists above. In other words: Those who know, go below. 140 Kentucky St., Petaluma. 707.762.0563.–D.T.

Best Decorated Automobile
Have you seen the “Oh Pa Pa Do” truck? The primary-colored magic machine of Petaluma artist Cadillac Fred Holiday, this little pickup truck that could–and does–is known to many by those strange words painted on the back windshield, by the friendly stuffed frog wired to the rack overhead, and the cartoon painted on the tail gate, depicting a happy, optimistic fish about to be swallowed by a bigger, even happier fish. As it so happens, though, Cadillac Fred has just started driving a new truck. “It’s beautiful,” he says. And it is. Painted in fresh colors, the new truck is mainly an as-yet-undecorated canvass waiting for inspiration–and beautiful madness–to strike. You’ll know it when you see it. Like its predecessor, it carries the words “Oh Pah Pah Do” right out where everyone can see them. If only we knew what that meant. –D.T.

From the March 20-26, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Best of Recreation

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Best of Recreation

[ ‘Best of’ Index ]

“There was no ‘one, two, three, and away,’ but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half-an-hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out, ‘The race is over!’ and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, ‘But who has won?'”

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Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Place to Swim While You Walk
With its utterly flat flatness, Sebastopol’s Joe Rodota Trail–a cement path along the Laguna de Santa Rosa linking West County to Santa Rosa–also negotiates fairly as runner-up for Best Holland of the Mind. Nary a rise interrupts the fleet-footed who daily exercise along this route. Given the beauty of the surroundings, there’s plenty to notice as the willow buds make an early spring appearance, the red-winged blackbirds begin to arrive, steam rises mysteriously from a wheat field, and ring-necked pheasants are spotted. But for those of us who tread this tarmac daily, it’s a dry version of swimming laps, as the Joe Rodota Trail doesn’t demand that its exercisers guess their prowess; it’s–hallelujah!–marked in paint right on the trail! One and a half miles, and smack goes the tennis shoe in pivot, then back one goes to the start, just like a fancy underwater flip against the side of the pool. As with swimming, gaining exact speed with other walkers is tricky. Do you slow down or speed up, and if you go ahead, will they just dispassionately watch your butt as you struggle to stay ahead? But such small traumas are nothing to the vain relief of not having goggle-lines when you’re done. The Joe Rodota Trailhead is on Petaluma Avenue, across from the Powerhouse Brewing Co., Sebastopol. –G.G.

Best Proposed–But Currently Uncertain–Wildlife Park
The expansion of Shollenberger Park in Petaluma, designed by award-winning nature park designer Patricia Johansen, would be a remarkable place to immerse oneself in the glories of the West Coast’s largest saltwater marsh. Too bad the Petaluma City Council is about to kill it in order to put up a bunch of industrial buildings. Modeled after successful saltwater marsh attractions such as the one in Arcata, the proposed park–adjacent to Shollenberger Park along the Petaluma River–would incorporate elements of the city’s planned $88 million, all-natural wastewater treatment system, using the tidal waters to clean and filter water on its way to the bay. Walkways and bridges–along with various floating art installations–would allow visitors to view the marsh at bird’s-eye level, while the massive industrial complex preferred by the mostly pro-growth council would bury the marsh beneath concrete and asphalt. Too bad birds don’t pay taxes. Interested parties can call the Petaluma Wetlands Park Alliance at 707.763.2310.–D.T.

Best Place to Survey Our Kingdom
Climbing a mountain doesn’t always have to involve Everestesque equipment (crampons, helicopter rides, base camp, freezing temperatures). Consider Mt. St. Helena. Though the hike sounds long–10 miles total, and you’re climbing a mountain, after all–it’s pretty smooth going. You start out in the woods and pass where Robert Louis Stevenson spent his honeymoon and got the inspiration for his books The Silverado Squatters and Treasure Island. Soon, you start gently sloping up a gravel road that winds around the mountain and offers plenty of places to enjoy the jaw-dropping views of lush vineyards, craggy rocks, yellow hills, and thick rugs of evergreens. As you near the top, the trail gets steeper, but it’s worth the effort. At 4,000 feet, the view is sublime. On good days, you can see San Francisco, Lassen Peak, the Sierras, and the ocean. And, hey, you know you’re tasting life when you can say you sat on the top of a mountain. Going north on Highway 29 to Calistoga, stay on 29 to the Robert Louis Stevenson State Park parking lot.–J.L.

Best Place to Pretend You’re a Character in a Stephen King Horror Novel
Ever read It, the terrifying epic of death and dismemberment by Stephen King? The scariest parts of the story take place near water. If you hear drips and splashes, the evil clown is probably nearby. Well, in all of the North Bay, no spot is drippier and creepier than the spooky, eerie, wet, slimy, shady–and secluded–concrete steps leading down from the Alpine Dam in the hidden hills above San Rafael. A favorite walking spot for edgy individuals, the semicrumbling steps snake down hundreds of feet from the road above and ironically lead to one of San Rafael’s most beautiful hiking trails, hugging the little stream that trickles from the dam and on occasion–whenever rain waters have filled the lake to its shadowy brim–is turned into a raging torrent exactly like the kind King might use to wipe out unsuspecting victims. Or the monsters stalking them.–D.T.

Best Place to Trip and Wipe Out While Running in Front of Hundreds of Spectators
The treacherous and notorious Dipsea footrace stretches from downtown Mill Valley to Stinson Beach. It’s 7.1 miles of sheer, heart-pounding torture, and it’s one of the best cross-country footraces in the world. Along the course, runners must traverse portions of Mt. Tam and Muir Woods, negotiating along narrow trails booby-trapped with jutting rocks, tree roots, fallen logs, and some terrifyingly steep cliff-side trails. Oh, and it all begins with a climb up three murderous flights of rock and wood stairs totaling nearly 800 steps. The decades-old race takes place in June and is one of the few handicapped races of its type–handicapped meaning that the very young and the very old are allowed to start before the very buff and the very-likely-to-win-otherwise. In other words, participants all have a chance at victory–if they can manage to survive the race.–D.T.

Best Way Short of a Long Plane Ride to Go on Safari
When you think of it, the yellow hills of California are pretty similar to the grasslands of Africa. At least from what I can tell from the Nature Channel. Covering 400 acres in the hills by Calistoga, Safari West takes visitors on an honest-to-goodness safari, complete with open-aired tan jeeps and a naturalist who will point out interesting facts. You’re likely to see a variety of animals, including cheetahs, giraffes, wildebeests, gazelles, addaxes (with horns like tree branches), waterbucks (known for swimming), and, of course, zebras. The tour also includes a walking portion where you can interact with the animals at a slower pace. With all the exotic animals and no trace of wineries or freeways in sight, it’s easy to forget where you are. 3115 Porter Creek Road, Santa Rosa. 707.579.2551.–J.L.

Best Place to Be Attacked by Seagulls
Everyone knows that the lagoon San Rafael’s Civic Center is a great place to feed ducks. Seldom will you walk the loop around the lagoon without encountering at least one elderly duck fancier or a nuclear family of people with time to kill distributing bread crumbs to the resident mallards and buffleheads. What’s less known is that the same lagoon is the site of the occasional spontaneous seagull attack. The flying rodents with razor-sharp beaks know where their butter is breaded and have become expert at snatching stale Wonder Bread crumbs, intended for the ducks, before they’ve hit the duck-infested water. The gulls have even been known to grab a snack from the hands of bread distributors before they’ve even let go. Hey, even a seagull deserves a bite to eat–even if the bite came out of your hand.–D.T.

Best Place to Dodge Crazed Powerboaters and Vicious Yellow Jackets While Drifting in a Plastic Canoe
Lake Sonoma, 11 miles north of Healdsburg, is a nice place to visit, whether you are speed-boating across the lake’s 2,700 acres of surface water, camping along the water at Liberty Glen Campground, or checking out the massive Don Clausen Fish Hatchery. In nearby Cloverdale, a number of establishments cater to lake-goers, offering for rent all manner of boats, kayaks, and fishing gear. Not that remote, and hardly difficult to find, it’s a wonder the lake isn’t better utilized by recreationists. Oh, well. More for the rest of us. 3333 Skaggs Springs Road, Geyserville. 707.433.9483.–D.T.

Best Professionally Guided Tour Through Nature
The Audubon Canyon Ranch’s Bouverie Preserve is located near Glen Ellen, but it’s easy to drive by it. That’s OK, because you can’t really just go and walk around the 500-acre nature preserve anyway. You have to take one of the guided nature walks offered one or two Saturdays a month, and even though it’s free, you have to make reservations. But it’s worth the trouble. With a well-trained docent as your guide, you will get a good, long hike, which, if you’re lucky, may include a stop at the Stewart Creek Waterfall. And you’ll learn a lot. When I went, I learned that mistletoe is not native to California and acts like a parasite on the oaks; that piles of twigs and bushes I ignored in the woods were actually made by pack rats; and that certain small holes in the banks along the road were made by spiders. You just can’t get that kind of stuff in biology class. 707.938.4554 or www.egret.org.–J.L.

Best Place to Imagine You’re a Character From a ‘Mad Max’ Movie
The rusting WWII-era gun turrets and scary metal tunnels snaking through the otherworldly hills of Fort Baker in Sausalito are slightly eerie. The decayed and moss-covered edifices are enough to make one have flashbacks to those over-the-top postholocaust movies we all grew up with–and may end up seeing more of, if the current Zeitgeist begins to make art from our growing fears of global annihilation. Hey, at the very least, if there’s ever a Mad Max 4, we know exactly where they can film it.–D.T.

Best Bridge for Watching the Escapades of Drunken People in Inner Tubes
The erector-set-style Healdsburg Avenue Bridge, spanning the Russian River within a softball toss from Veterans Memorial Beach, is not just a great spot to take pictures, as birds and boaters and crazy people slide beneath and on down the River–the bridge is mighty picturesque in and of itself. Built in 1921, the landmark span is a truss-style bridge with a superstructure resembling spider webs of steel, a once popular type of bridge that disappeared in the 1930s shortly after freeways made automobile travel so commonplace. Due to be retrofitted within the next few years, the Healdsburg Avenue Bridge, once described by the local paper as “an architectural triumph,” is a beautiful sight to see–or to see from.–D.T.

Best Geological Oddity
You may have noticed it: a mysterious, black wall of semishiny bumpy rock stretching up alongside Pt. Reyes Road, just past the Nicasio Reservoir on the way from Petaluma to the coast. Attractively out of place, the wall of rock has caught the eye of many travelers over the years, causing them to wonder what it is, how it got there, and why it resembles a piece of fossilized gizzard from some giant alien creature like, say, the Blob. Well listen up, folks. The wall is made up of pillow basalts (that’s a geology term), cool-looking, volcanic reminders of the area’s once fiery and deeply submerged past. Pillow basalts are formed when the hot lava from an underwater volcano makes contact with the cool seawater, creating big bumpy bubble blobs, or pillows, that stack up and fuse together, comingling like slow-dancing teenagers at a Sweethearts Ball. This explains the slightly mutant, vaguely Twilight Zone look of the rock. Now you know.–D.T.

Best Place to Heed ‘the Call of the Wild’
It was 100 years ago that Jack London mesmerized readers worldwide with his now-classic novel The Call of the Wild, the wilderness adventure that chronicles the author’s attempts to strike it rich in the Klondike gold rush. London never did stake his Yukon claim; he became a great literary figure instead. When he wasn’t traveling the world as a writer or newspaper reporter, London sequestered himself at his beloved Beauty Ranch, an 1,800-acre spread in the Valley of the Moon. A portion of that estate–including a visitor’s center filled with mementos of London’s travels, the writer’s grave, and the ruins of his ill-fated Wolf House–comprise Jack London State Historic Park. The centennial of his best-known book offers a perfect reason to venture to the wilds of this sprawling park, where you can watch the red-tail hawks spiraling in the air, contemplate London’s writings, or just listen to the wind blowing through the arching boughs. Sit on a fallen log, breathe the same air as the great man, feel the same breeze, watch the same hawks, and let your troubles slip away. 2400 London Ranch Road, Glen Ellen. Admission is $6 per vehicle; senior discounts. 707.938.5216.–G.C.

Best Place to Ride Horses While Dodging High-Spirited Backpackers, Or to Backpack While Dodging High-Spirited Horses
The Stewart Trail at Pt. Reyes leads from the horse ranch at Five Brooks Trailhead and out to the remote coastal campground at Wildcat Camp. It’s about a six-mile hike that takes you in and out of the trees, up to breathtaking heights where the entire valley comes into view below you, and then out to the coast where, a mile down the beach, you will find a delightfully conspicuous waterfall spilling from the high cliff wall onto the waiting sand. While the trail is popular among hikers and equestrians, the primitive campground tends to be mainly utilized by hardy scout troops, people who are lost, and the occasional convention of smelly, male-bonding Pagans. . –D.T.

Best Moonlight Hike
During the summer and fall months, the national park rangers at Marin County’s Pantoll Campground lead a number of nighttime hikes up and down the various trails of Mt. Tamalpais. One of the best begins at Pantoll and leads out to Bootjack Trail and up to the Mountain Play’s Cushing Memorial Amphitheater. A beautiful hike, it is fairly easy to stay on the trail, and the moonlight illuminates the world in a very Shakespearean, Midsummer Night’s Dream, hey-where-are-all-the-fairies kind of way. Owls and other night-flying birds are usually involved, zipping above your head in that spooky habit they have, and the rangers are always happy to point out whatever skittering beasties happen to be out for a stroll. Call the station at 415.388.2070 for more details.–D.T.

From the March 20-26, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Best of Food & Drink

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Best of Food & Drink

[ ‘Best of’ Index ]

“However, this bottle was not marked ‘poison,’ so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavor of cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished it off.”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Inexpensive, Well-Crafted Tasty Treats
Somewhere along the evolutionary timeline of baked goods, scones became bloated and mealy and cookies swelled to epic proportions. It’s the fault of those coffee places, Starbucks and its ilk, who display fattening, coffee-cake things and shoe-box-sized brownies that cost five bucks a pop and pack as much flavor as a dry kitchen sponge. If you’re going to treat yourself, treat yourself for real, and head over to the Santa Rosa Junior College Bakery Cafe, the working classroom/business in the SRJC culinary program’s new Brickyard Center location. Every school day, students bake and sell their practical curriculum to the general public. Their scones are rich, buttery, and modestly sized. Their muffins are not on steroids. Being made by students, not everything looks note-perfect, but the taste comes through. Plus, everything is staggeringly cheap (e.g., $1.25 for a fruit galette). Hopefully, this will spawn a generation of SRJC-bred bakers who will go out into the world and make cookies, rolls, and pastries the way they were originally intended to be: full of flavor. (Shown: Instructor Cathy Burgett and students Ben Symons and Julia Lancer.) 458 B St., Santa Rosa. 707.576.0297.–S.B.

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Marriage of the Second and 21st Amendments
Andresen’s Tavern has been open since Petalumans regained the constitutional right to belly up to the bar in 1934. One thing you can say about Andresen’s, family-owned for three generations, is that it’s an old-fashioned, friendly place, where locals of different generations mix at tables or play liar’s dice at the bar. Another thing you could say is, they sure are nuts about the Second Amendment. On the wall are enough antique firearms–rifles, muskets, handguns–to fight the War of 1812. From the opposite wall, one is studied by the glassy eyes of long-ago slaughtered buffalo, deer, antelope, armadillo, moose, bobcat, mountain lion–29 in all, including, of course, the jackalope. 19 Western Ave., Petaluma. 707.762.6647.–J.K.

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Coffee Cart
Of all the few hundred places in downtown Santa Rosa to get coffee, the smallest is the best. Not only is Centro Espresso’s house coffee (the custom-roasted Ecco Caffé) the most complex and alluring bean juice around, but the service is always incredibly friendly. Susan Koshow, Centro Espresso’s owner, is there tending the espresso works most of the time, and she will remember a name and a preferred coffee drink after a mere second or third visit. The rotating cast of barristas are always equally pleasant–and they all make pretty, marbled designs in the foam of steamed milk drinks, sort of like the way some bartenders will trace shamrocks in the head of a pint of Guinness. It’s those touches that make tasty beverages tastier. Additionally, Centro doesn’t have brewed coffee–the house coffee is an Americano. All coffee beans should meet such an end. 733 Fourth St., Santa Rosa (in Sawyer’s News). 707.542.7449.–S.B.

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Fish and Chips (Until March 31)
Light and crisply battered on the outside, with steamy, moist and meaty cod inside, the fish and chips at the Old Vic are not only the best around, they come in the company of some of the best pints of British ales around. So maybe the service isn’t always the most consistent, but the atmosphere (dark and cozy and as publike as it gets in Northern California) and the clientele (a cross-section of young and old, hip and nonhip, talkative and reticent) make for one of the most genuine and welcoming hangouts in all of downtown Santa Rosa. So order your pints and fish and chips while ye may, for as of March 31, the Vic is history. Where will those of drinking age go to see promising local bands? Where will addicts of full English breakfasts get their weekly grease overdoses/hangover cures? Well, worry about that later. For now, just go and raise a glass to the Vic. 731 Fourth St., Santa Rosa. 707.571.7555.–S.B.

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Smile on a Restaurant Owner
David Beatriz, owner and operator of Taqueria Mi Pueblo in Petaluma, has a great smile: sunny and warm, and just a little mischievous. It comes in handy, too. Not one to stand on stuffy formality, Beatriz is the kind of guy who gleefully teases his customers (mercilessly), perhaps by standing over them to stare incredulously as they remove the insides of a taco to eat outside the shell, or to ask if they are lost when they pass on their second trip to the salsa bar. The food may be great, but it does seem that many of the restaurant’s regulars have become fervent fans largely because of the owner, who welcomes you as you walk in–and he means it–then proceeds to make fun of your menu choice in the way your favorite uncle calls you funny nicknames. You may find yourself smiling, too. 800 Petaluma Blvd. N., Petaluma. 707.762.8192.–D.T.

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Fancy Cocktails
Though the Underwood has just appeared on the scene to challenge Lucy’s dominance in the knock-down, drag-out fight for the best cocktails in West County, we still flock to the downtown Sebastopol establishment to quench our (seemingly endless) thirst for fancy drinks (the fact that Lucy’s is walking distance from home, while the Underwood requires getting in the car, compounds our love for Lucy’s). Friendly faces, the warmth of the brick ovens, and the sweetness of a maraschino cherry in a whiskey sour keeps us going on those Friday nights when the workweek seems to have dragged us into oblivion. A brisk margarita does the trick. Or a sidecar, or a mojito, minty-fresh, in the summer months. Or all of them, if oblivion is truly the goal. 6948 Sebastopol Ave., Sebastopol. 707.829.9713.–D.B.

Best Winetasting in a Correctional Facility for Teenage Dope Slaves
Well, former facility. For two years. But still. . . Adjacent to Bartholomew Park Winery’s tasting room is a small museum with a comprehensive exhibit that details viticultural practices and the history of the winery and the surrounding area. Back in the corner, an interesting chapter is told from those, you know, simpler, less hurried days of yesteryear. The tasting room was built in 1922 as the hospital for the new State Farm for Delinquent Women. Supported by the League of Women Voters, the “farm” was a socially progressive project intended to bring “fallen women” and narcotics fiends from urban prisons into the fresh country air for rehabilitation. From the beginning, locals scorned it, and the Sonoma Index-Tribune regularly inveighed against this “soft nest for women politicians and hard-boiled delinquents.” At first, just one inmate was interred at the main house. But the solitary delinquent requested to be transferred to the county jail, complaining to the judge, “What awful, narrow-minded people are in the beautiful Sonoma Valley.” After the population climbed to 65, a few “riots,” and much editorializing against “sisters of sin,” the facility burned down under mysterious circumstances in 1923, never to be reopened. The “women theorists and job chasers” had had their day, and there was much gloating in the Valley. 1000 Vineyard Lane, Sonoma. 707.935.9511. Museum is free but tasting costs $3.–J.K.

Best DIY Guest Checks
The main attraction at Juanita Juanita in Sonoma is the hearty and semiauthentic Mexican food, of course, but a playful setting is always a plus, especially for those dining solo or with kids. The decor–a pastiche of roadhouse-gone-pastel–is quirky and welcoming. Plus they keep tumblers stocked with dog-eared Trivial Pursuit cards at the counter, as well as an armada of bottled hot sauces in varying degrees of searingness. Take note when you get your bill–they’re always written on the backs of old wine labels. (Also note that a hearty bowl of beans con todo, at a mere $5.50, is one of the best lunch deals around.) 19114 Arnold Drive, Sonoma. 707.935.3981.–S.B.

Best Vegetarian Tamales
It is sometimes possible to buy a half-dozen of Donna’s Tamales at your local upscale, health-food-oriented supermarket (a Molly Stone, a United Market, or a Whole Foods, for example), but the best place to sample and acquire the tastiest handmade tamales in the North Bay is at the San Rafael farmers market, where the good folks from Donna’s–possibly even Donna Eichorn herself–will happily introduce you to the remarkable line of mostly vegan, all vegetarian, totally delicious masa-based delectables. Based in Fairfax, Donna’s has essentially re-created the tamale, producing simple variations on the classic hand-held foodstuff from across the border. The tofu and chipotle tamales lead a pack populated by goat-cheese tamales; cheese, chile, and corn tamales; roasted pineapple and plantain tamales; and even just plain corn tamales with no spice or anything, perfect for kids and people looking for an alternative to oatmeal (they make a great breakfast). Check the cart at the farmers market or log on to www.donnastamales.com to find a Donna’s tamale seller close to you.–D.T.

Best Way to Spend a Weekend Eating and Drinking
The summer months bring so many festivals and fairs that the weekends can be more busy than the weekdays. Of course, most of them offer opportunities to stuff one’s face with typical fair fare–you’ll see the Pasta King and Willie Bird Turkey legs almost everywhere you go, and those are fine choices. But for a true taste of what Sonoma County has to offer, there’s only one choice: the aptly named Taste of Sonoma County. Part of the decidedly gluttonous and exhausting Sonoma County Showcase of Food and Wine, which offers days of nonstop eating and drinking, the Taste event pairs up hundreds of wineries with hundreds of restaurants and caterers, and as the sun beats down you can take refuge in the endless tents
of tasty delights and premium wines. Just remember that the day will inevitably end, at which point you will be pinked by the sun, tipsy, and full. This year’s event takes place July 10­12. www.sonomawine.com.–D.B.

Best Place to Eat Out of Bulk-Food Bins on the Sly
Eating snack foods out of grocery-store bulk bins is one of the most gratifyingly evil things to do in this consumer society. It’s wrong, it’s bad, and it’s so, so easy. At a place like Oliver’s or a natural-foods co-op, there’s a bit of a moral dilemma involved: These places support local producers and don’t force their shoppers to use those damned member cards for bogus “savings.” But Safeway, they have it coming! Go on, try snatching just one yogurt pretzel or caramel peanut chocolate cluster from the bulk-food bins. Doesn’t it feel sooo bad but sooo good? If you ever get caught, just use this line: “Well, the last time I bought whole-wheat fig bars, they were stale, so I thought I should try them out first.”–S.B.

Best Easy-Access Cheese Samples
More tips for the free-food category, only this time it’s from a store where they are giving it away for real. Right off the plaza in Sonoma, the Sonoma Cheese Factory has plenty of free samples of their trademark Sonoma Jack, as well as pesto, garlic, habanero, hot pepper, and Mediterranean Jack varieties. And don’t forget to check out the smooth-spreading Teleme, which is sort of like the rich man’s Cheez Whiz. After an afternoon outing with a book and a beer on the plaza (see Best Public Drinking), a quick trip to the Sonoma Cheese Factory can quell those minor tummy rumblings. They have a deli, too, to quell major tummy rumblings. I brought my cheese-lovin’ dad to the Sonoma Cheese Factory once when he was visiting, and I swear it was the highlight of his visit. You can’t keep the old man away from free cheese for long. 2 Spain St., Sonoma. 707.996.1931.–S.B.

Best Name for a Sushi Restaurant
Sushi to Dai For on Fourth Street in San Rafael serves a thing called a dragon roll. It looks like a Chinese New Year dragon, which is actually an odd idea for a Japanese restaurant, but the whole idea of Sushi to Dai For is to mix things up and have a good time. The name should be your first clue that things
are not that formal there. 869 Fourth St., San Rafael. 415.721.0392.–D.T.

Best Place to Eat Outdoors on a Warm Summer’s Eve
Even on the most humid and buggy of nights, you can eat outdoors at Topolos Russian River Vineyard Restaurant and Winery without getting bitten. Thank the 3,000 or so bats that make their home in the eaves of the winery’s roof. Each night, each bat eats about 5,000 insects. If you’re not consciously looking for them, you won’t even notice the bats. But there are plenty of people who ask for patio seating specifically to catch a glimpse. Other visitors simply park in the parking lot at dusk to watch the winged insect-control battalion fly out from the winery roof. So many come out on warm, summer nights that enthusiasts refer to it as the “bat launch.” But you can also see some in the spring and fall. Of course, despite the bats, Topolos is still best known for its wonderful Greek-inspired food, and its wine. Do we even have to mention that the wine grapes are grown without any need for insecticides? 5700 Gravenstein Hwy. N., Forestville. 707.887.1562.–M.W.

Best Way to Get from Auchentoshan to Bunnahabhain
Many people probably never develop a taste for single malt scotch. If you have or are willing to cultivate one, you’ll find it’s a lot like wine. The region, the barrel, and the aging all have an effect on the flavor. Some like it peaty; others, tangy. Some like Sheep Dip. But the good stuff may set you back $50. As for scotch tasting? There are two known choices: (1) Get on a plane, go to Scotland; (2) go to the Equus Lounge. Located in the Fountaingrove Inn, Equus is an ’80s executive-chic hotel bar, the interior cast with a David Lynchesque glow. It’s both one-of-a-kind, with the signature horse-of-a-feather bas relief above the bar, and an anonymous hideaway. The beverages in question glow like gold. The best way to get acquainted with some of the 58 single malt scotches on hand is to get the sampler. For $10 to $15, the sampler is a mix-and-match selection of Highlands, Lowlands, and Islands malts. With names like Glenkinchie and Laphroaig, it’s best to first try and pronounce, then sample the malts. 101 Fountaingrove Parkway, Santa Rosa. 707.578.0149.–J.K.

Best Tasting Room to Escape the Grape
Wine, wine, wine! We are here in the North Bay thronged with wine, inundated, awash, tanked, aswim, adrift. Every now and then, it’s a good idea to stray from the vine a bit. Hence: sake! The tasting room at Napa’s Hakusan Sake Gardens is a splendid place to become better acquainted with the palette-bracing delights of rice wine–and for those of you whose sake experience is limited to stinky lesser grades of sake served hot, it’s quite an eye-opener. The $3 tasting includes five types of sake, from smooth-drinking and dry draft to the crowd-pleasing raspberry-infused sake. 1 Executive Way, Napa. 707.258.6160.–S.B.

Best Place to Get a Burger, If You Can Live Without the Fries
The testosterone level is a little much–sports memorabilia everywhere, T-shirts stapled to the ceiling covered with scrawled signatures, the cute waitress bringing you your food, etc. But that’s the kind of place Mike’s at the Crossroads is: a blue-collar man’s kind of place that serves green sprouts with its burgers. And what’s wrong with that? There’s no doubt that Mike’s burgers are good, though I don’t know if they are “the best burgers west of the Pecos,” as the menu brags. But they are thick and juicy with just the right fixings. Simply put, they are everything a burger should be. Only, there are no fries with them. Don’t even ask. If you want fries, go elsewhere. Mike feels so strongly about the “no fries” policy, he lists 11 reasons on the menu why he doesn’t have them, including “the burger’s greasy by itself” and “Mike’s too darn lazy to change the grease.” The burgers do come with a variety of sides, including several salads and, if you must have your potato fix, chips. 7665 Old Redwood Hwy., Cotati. 707.665.9999.–J.L.

Best Movie-Theater Popcorn
This is a tossup between the Rafael Film Center, the Rialto, and the Raven Theater, all of which offer fresh, fresh popcorn and real butter. Of course, to the avid moviegoer, the eating of popcorn is a sacred rite along the lines of Holy Communion. Nothing is as disappointing as being handed a bag of stale popcorn with improperly prepared, artificial butter flavoring. It so happens that those theaters that understand the significance of good popcorn tend to be those which also recognize the necessity of having a clean auditorium floor and the importance of offering inexpensively priced bottled waters and good, strong coffee. They also tend to be those showing the best films. In other words, if you are clutching popcorn in a theater seat while waiting to see Daredevil or Cradle 2 the Grave, chances are good that your popcorn is pretty damn crappy.–D.T.

Best Mecca of Plastic Cake Toppers, Part I
“Nothing says fun like a party!” proclaims Nancy’s Fancy’s motto–and nothing says “irresistibly tacky nostalgia” like a plastic cake topper. Find Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, little soccer players with goals, sparkly filigree wedding bells, and scary doll torsos on picks to make into those weird doll cakes–all in glorious cheap plastic! Have you ever noticed that while time has moved on into the 21st century cake toppers have remained frozen in the ’60s? Here’s to hoping it stays that way. Nancy’s, besides having a tantalizing array of nonedible cake decorations, is the party headquarters, with a supply of decorations, paper plates and party tableware, party favors, and plenty of supplies for making sweet party treats. 3480 Airway Drive, Santa Rosa. 707.546.2253.–S.B.

Best Mecca of Plastic Cake Toppers, Part II
Shackford’s is more on the cookware side than Nancy’s, but they have a selection of cake-topper kitsch that easily rivals, if not tops, Nancy’s Fancy’s. Plus the old general-store feel of Shackford’s has a kind of time-travel element to it that’s very conducive to the appreciation and purchase of cake toppers. Tiny plastic baby bottles and rattles; mini palm trees and hula dancers; itty-bitty footballs, soccer balls, and baseball bats; and minuscule plastic hot dogs and hamburgers on picks–all right there for about 25 cents each. So a shopping spree can total, say, five bucks! Oh, it is indeed heaven. 1350 Main St., Napa. 707.226.5651.–S.B.

Best Way to Sample Sebastopol’s Apple Crop
Sebastopol’s apple groves are a nice change from the acres of grapevines and a reminder that other plants can grow here too. One day, my friends and I stopped at Ace-in-the-Hole Pub on a whim. Just off Highway 116 West, it reminds me of a hardware store on the outside. I kept expecting to see John Deere tractors sitting on the lawn. But inside, you know you’re in the right place with the smooth, hardwood benches, bright yellow walls, and dignified bar. We ordered a sampler, where you get to taste all four of Ace’s crisp, light beverages in pear, berry, honey, and apple (of course). We liked them so much, we each got a pint along with apple-stuffed sausages, and they complemented each other as well as any wine and French appetizer. 3100 Gravenstein Hwy. N., Sebastopol. 707.829.1223.–J.L.

Best $10 Pancakes in the North Bay
They’re a cult sensation. The macadamia nut pancakes, topped with caramelized banana halves, that are offered during breakfast at Jellyfish–the tony and tiny restaurant at Petaluma’s new Sheraton Hotel at the Marina–cost 10 bucks a plate. And they’re worth it. Suddenly, word is spreading and people are showing up for a hotel breakfast, without bothering to actually sleep there. Which is fine with the people at Jellyfish. The fancy, energetically menued East-West fusion restaurant is obviously a bit out of the way, but the staff is more than eager to show their stuff. Once you’ve tried the pancakes, you’ll want to come back for lunch or dinner. 745 Baywood Drive in Petaluma, just off of Lakeville Highway. 707.283.2888.–D.T.

Best Unheralded Chef
In the early to mid ’90s, Evelyn Cheatham operated Tweet’s restaurant in Mendocino, and folks still talk about her carrot soup, rosemary scones, potato tarts, and other dishes. Food writer Michele Anna Jordan says Cheatham “has a style that is both robust and delicate, and she could clearly join the ranks of celebrity chefs if she was so inclined.” Instead, Cheatham decided to work with troubled youth. She’s now chef at Sonoma County Juvenile Hall and is slowly building WOW (Worth Our Weight), a cooking school for young people. For the past 12 years, she has cooked and delivered meals on Christmas day for homeless groups, battered women’s groups, children’s shelters, and families down on their luck. The meal is not funded by any organization. It’s just a labor of love by Cheatham and her friends.–M.W.

Best Public Drinking–Legal and (Sort of) Encouraged
There has apparently been some dispute over whether this is ultimately a wise indulgence for Sonoma to allow. Please note that drunkenness is not encouraged; relaxing with some quality quaff, however, is. And it’s not just wine. Here’s the deal: On a sunny day, show up by yourself with a good book, a blanket, and a bottle opener. Go to the Sonoma Wine Exchange. Browse over their many hundreds of fine international beers and buy one (Duvel! Duvel!). Go to the plaza, stake out a comfy tuffet, sit down, and savor the book and the beer, looking at all of the tourist couples and Sonoma teenager kids hanging out. Get hungry and order a Croque Monsieur to go from the nearby Basque Bakery and Cafe. Love life. Between Napa, Spain, and First streets, Sonoma.–S.B.

Best Super-Friendly Greasy-Spoon Waitress
“Would you like some more coffee? Great! Is there anything else I can get you? Tabasco? Sure! Thanks! Have a terrific breakfast!” Oh, to be attended to thus, late on a hungover Sunday morning. It heals and revitalizes. While all of the wait staff at Mom’s Boarding House in Cotati are friendly and prompt, one server in particular stands out. She has long, straight brown hair and looks like she could be Dave Grohl’s sister (she’s probably not). We think of her as Mrs. Grohl. How does she always smile so huge? How does she remember what every table needs, and how does she manage to bring blueberry syrup to diners before they even realize they might need it? Who can say. This woman is a living marvel. We could ask Mrs. Grohl her name, but then she wouldn’t be Mrs. Grohl anymore. So, to Mrs. Dave Grohl: You are a tremendous waitress, and you brighten up our days. Thank you! 8099 La Plaza, Cotati. 707.795.3381.–S.B.

Best Place from Which to Take Food Home in a Doggy Bag
For nearly a hundred years or so, the Union Hotel in Occidental has been a major spot for large groups and families
to meet up and sit around giant, Oliver Twist­style wooden tables, upon which are heaped decidedly non-Twistian amounts of truly great food. Piles of it, served family style, one course at a time. Platters of this will be followed by even larger platters of that. The minestrone is to die for. There’s no chance you will eat it all, so doggy bags are commonplace. 3703 Main St., Occidental. 707.874.3555.–D.T.

Best Fruit Stand in Santa Rosa
OK, maybe Bob’s Fruit Truck is the only fruit stand around here, but it’s still good. There’s lots of fresh, locally grown and organic produce. Plus the folks are nice and knowledgeable, and the prices are low. Due to city ordinances, seasonal, open-air produce stands are not allowed within Santa Rosa city limits. But Bob Coburn had already been running his stand since 1983 when the city tried to shut him down a couple of years ago. By that time, he had developed such a faithful following that 1,200 people signed a petition to save the stand. And when the planning commission held a meeting, about 60 people showed up to speak on Coburn’s behalf. “It was such an incredible feeling to see all those people stand up for me like that,” says Coburn, whose eyes still mist over when he talks about that night. “It really made me feel like my work here is appreciated.” Bob’s Fruit Truck, open May through October,
is on Highway 12, just west of Mission Street, Santa Rosa.–M.W.

Best Place to Research the Chemical Processes That Create a Good Pinot Noir
Healdsburg’s internationally accessed Sonoma County Wine Library, located in the back of the Healdsburg Regional Library, holds over 5,000 wine-related items of a bookish and research-appropriate nature. Tragically, there is no winetasting at the Wine Library. But for that kind of research, you don’t have to go far. Corner of Piper and Center streets, downtown Healdsburg. 707.433.3772.–D.T.

Best Place to Hear Amateur Singing in a Room That Smells Like Warm Sugar
The inside of a Cold Stone Creamery (any of them–the whimsical ice cream stores are suddenly all over the North Bay) tends to have the unmistakable, saliva-inspiring scent of a busy cotton-candy vendor. The ice cream is hand-mixed before your eyes on a slab of cold stone (get it?), with your choice of ingredients lovingly worked into your favorite flavor of ice cream. Be warned though: the Cold Stone crew, by some corporate mandate, always sing silly, boisterous songs every time someone drops a tip in the jar. It’s kind of sweet. Which, one supposes, is the point. 2031 Novato Blvd., Novato, 415.898.7900; 301 S. McDowell Blvd., Petaluma, 707.762.1824; 2324 Montgomery Drive, Santa Rosa, 707.578.1811; 6580 Hembree Lane, Windsor, 707.838.1821; 651 Trancas St., Napa, 707.251.3707.–D.T.

Best Ghost Winery
Nestled on a hillside, in the shadow of wine country hotels and mirrored corporate campuses of Fountaingrove, one of California’s most historic wineries continues to rot into the ground, forgotten. Among the premier producers of wine in the late 19th century, Thomas Lake Harris’ religious commune lives on only as a namesake. Fountaingrove is now mainly a paradise for developers. But the colorful history of the site has been told so many times–the millennial religious cult, the rumors of scandalous sexual practices, the heir to Japanese royalty who became winemaker–that the most surprising and weirdest story of them all is simply, why the heck are the remaining buildings still going to hell? Let’s break this down. Fountaingrove: loads of money on that hill, two major hotels, easy freeway access, smack in the middle of the w-i-n-e c-o-u-n-t-r-y. What am I missing here? Is it the “negative energy vortex” that some local spirit-heads have described? Round Barn Boulevard, off Fountaingrove Parkway, Santa Rosa. Not open to the public. Always use caution when approaching a vortex.–J.K.

From the March 20-26, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Best of Culture

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Best of Culture

[ ‘Best of’ Index ]

“I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read fairytales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a book written about me, that there ought!”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Eccentric Historian
Hoppy Hopkins, a card-carrying “old timer” and Petaluma native, knows more about the history of Sonoma County than almost anyone around. He is the preeminent authority, a walking, talking library of historical facts, figures, dates, names, and weird, wild stories. Ever hear about the time in 1861 when a trained grisly bear and a big old bull fought a duel in downtown Petaluma? Hopkins has, and he’ll gladly tell you about it, all part of his unofficial job as the go-to source of information about the sprawling river town’s earliest origins. He’s got a sense of humor too. Every year, just before Halloween, he conducts his annual Cemetery Walk, a popular oral history tour through the various graveyards of Petaluma. Alternately known as the Tombstone Stomp, the walking tour is presented by Petaluma’s Heritage Homes organization. Word is, even the dead stop to listen when Hoppy stops by to tell his tales. One thing’s for certain, they never interrupt when he talks. Neither do the living.–D.T.

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Place to While Away the Hours
A long time before the world rediscovered modernist writer Virginia Woolf through the acclaimed film The Hours, her provocative works helped to inspire a special place dedicated to people interested in books by, about, and of interest to women. The Sitting Room, a lending library with more than 6,000 titles, was based on the principles outlined in Woolf’s 1929 feminist essay A Room of One’s Own, in which the modernist writer pondered whether a woman could produce high art. Actually, in a very real way, art served as the midwife to this diminutive cultural center located in a Cotati storefront. The Sitting Room was started by Sonoma State University English professor J. J. Wilson and Santa Rosa Junior College librarian Karen Petersen, who had enjoyed unexpected success from their book, Women’s Art, and decided to give something back to the local literary community. Twenty-two years later, the Sitting Room is the perfect place to while away the hours. (Shown: Ronnie Gayle (left) and Barbara Lesch-McCaffry.) 170 E. Cotati Ave., Cotati. 707.795.9028.–G.C.

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Place to Finally Find the Used Book You’ve Been Hunting For
John Ammirati of Lakeside Village Bookstore must be a wizard of some sort, because no matter how dated or obscure the book I’m looking for, he always seems to have it. The shop is crammed full of books of all sorts, and it’s always fun to prowl around, discovering titles I’d never even heard of. Ammirati, an avid reader, has not only heard of just about everything, but there’s a good chance he’s read it and he can tell you who wrote it, what else he wrote, when, and what was going on in his life at the time. For good measure, he’ll also pull out a few other books for you (presumably out of his magic hat) that are somehow linked with your new find. But remember, this is a store created by a book lover for others of his ilk. So don’t show up expecting to find adorable little gifts or expensive chocolates. Is he going to sell you a CD? Can you order a latte? Hell, no! It’s books, books, books, and a few places to sit and read. The way it should be. 4275 Montgomery Drive, Santa Rosa. 707.538.0579.–M.W.

Photograph by Michael Amsler

Best Detour for Your Graphing Calculator
Longtime West County residents assuredly chuckle a dry “Try that!” at their own adept maneuvering of their many befuddling lanes. Those of us new to the area prefer to simply close eyes and point the car downhill. One is bound to eventually reach a recognizable landmark. And so it was that the car chose Florence Avenue one fateful day and slowed down of its own accord in sheer amazement at the full-street salute to funk sculptor Patrick Amiot. Amiot, a Canadian artist who found his Sebastopol home during an aimless mid-travel picnic five years ago, has over the last two years convinced almost half of his neighbors to either purchase or simply allow their lawns to host his maniacal trash-borne sculptures. They’re fantastical and funny, the kind of art that we all think that we can make until it’s actually time to weld that TV to that oil barrel. A recent early morning walk down Florence revealed a new twist, however: A full third of the homes boasting Amiot’s sculpture on lawns also still had Christmas wreathes fading upon doors. One-eighth of those factored continued to sport uncut Halloween pumpkins on porches. And a full one-sixteenth of those, divided by pi to the 32nd factor, additionally had Valentine’s hearts plus holiday porch lights glistening and lit. What does it mean? Absolutely nothing that we can figure. Can you? Florence Avenue, between Healdsburg and Bodega avenues, Sebastopol. –G.G.

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Examples of Bizarre Public Art
To some, they are a pair of weird melting spoons. To others, they resemble Siamese-twin egrets or the amputated claws of enormous concrete lobsters. Some have even surmised that they are two slabs of bacon having animal sex right there in front of God and everybody. Whatever they are, they stand nearly 20 feet tall, surrounded by a thick pad of ice plants on a tiny hill overlooking the Petaluma River turning basin, next door to the former River House restaurant (recently reopened as the Girl & the Fig). Made of wood, plaster, and chicken wire, the mostly hollow sculpture–two wavy thingamajigs with split-end heads? mutant tadpoles bumping and grinding?–is as boldly mysterious as it is blatantly funny. It is hard to say whether people love it or hate it, as so few even know what it represents. The safe bet is a flirtatious couple of dancing lovers, arms waving above them as they move. Whatever, no one at the city hall, Petaluma Historical Museum, Visitor’s Bureau, or the Petaluma Parks and Recreation Department could even name the sculptor responsible or recite the date they/it were/was installed. So there. Like the artistic impulse itself, it must be a mystery–whatever it is.–D.T.

Best Holographic Water Fountains
It takes a mighty fine water fountain to upstage a brand-new, multimillion-dollar museum, but for simpletons who, like magpies, are drawn to the shiny-sparkly-glittery things in the world, this is by far the coolest pair of water fountains ever. Get to the museum, make a beeline to the courtyard, and stake out one of the two clear Lucite water fountains. Some kind of holographic thing in the basin makes the water ripple and reflect in all kinds of kaleidoscopic ways. Stare. Wonder. And don’t be a fountain hog, unless no one is waiting behind you. Charles M. Schulz Museum and Research Center, 2301 Hardies Lane, Santa Rosa. 707.579.4452.–S.B.

Best Place to Meet a Poet
Poetry has become a force to be reckoned with. When First Lady Laura Bush nixed a Feb. 12 White House poetry reading of works by Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson, Langston Hughes, and others after invited poet Sam Hamill sought to use the event to deliver a literary antiwar message, the general public learned a valuable lesson: Not only do poets have the power of their conviction (Dana Gioia, are you listening?), they have the ability to shine the searing light of truth deep into the dark halls of power. In the North Bay, the Marin Poetry Center has championed these wordsmiths, from established writers to new poets, since 1981. Founded by College of Marin teachers and students, the center with its extensive library is housed in the Falkirk Cultural Center, an 1888 Queen Anne Victorian in downtown San Rafael. The mission is a simple one: Through sponsored readings, workshops, poetry contests, and related events, the center provides a place for poets to meet and speak. As Sam Hamill has proved, the fruits of those labors can be mighty indeed. 1408 Mission Ave. at E Street, San Rafael. www.marinpoetrycenter.com. –G.C.

Best Place to Ask Embarrassing Questions About State-Sanctioned Genocide
During tours at the Mission San Francisco de Solano, on the square in downtown Sonoma, the well-studied docents are occasionally surprised–and perhaps a bit flustered–whenever some precocious kid asks them to explain the thousands of Native Americans who died of smallpox and overwork during the days of the great decades-long Spanish mission expansion. As that precocious kid could tell you, the rustic Sonoma edifice, built in the early 1800s, was among the last such religious intrusions to be foisted upon the original locals, nearly all of whom perished within years of the mission’s founding. In spite of this–and the rumor that many of those people are buried beneath the mission soil–it’s a piece of the story that gets very little play during educational presentations. It’s almost as if someone was ashamed of something. East Spain Street and First Street East, Sonoma. 707.938.1519.–D.T.

Best Place to Become a Big Fan of Fans
Lots of us are fans of art, to be sure, but few of us stop to consider that sometimes fans are art. At the recently established Hand Fan Museum of Healdsburg, fans of all sorts of fans–from the hand-painted Japanese kind made of paper and wood to those emblazoned with the logos of fancy five-star hotels–can view rotating exhibitions of fans from around the world. There are, it turns out, few societies on this planet that have not employed fans of some type, which have been used, according to the museum’s literature, “in fashion, religion, battle, and ceremony.” Located alongside the sparkling new Hotel Healdsburg, the Hand Fan Museum–the only hand fan-museum in the United States, by the way–is a great place to pick up useful hand-fan jargon with which to baffle and amaze your friends and family. 327-A Healdsburg Ave., Healdsburg. 707.431.2500 or www.handfanmuseum.com. –D.T.

Best Place to Shutter Yer Bug
The so-called gallery experience can be an intimidating one. You amble in, clad in jeans and a sweatshirt, and a young woman icily inquires if she can help you. Gulp and, “Nope, we’re just here to look.” “Oh.” Which is why the Barry Singer Gallery in Petaluma is such a rich blast of great relief. Photography is a relatively inexpensive medium to collect; people in jeans and sweatshirts evidently do it all the time. And while Barry and his wife Gretchen are actually in business to make money–they operate a high-end print business to that end–they don’t mind if you look and then come back to look and go ahead and bring friends to look and stop by just to look again. One of the most elegantly appointed galleries in the North Bay, the Singer Gallery is also one of the friendliest, in that one is left nicely alone to become absorbed in the mostly black-and-white images on the walls. Currently on show are Robert Mayne’s London street scenes and Grace Robertson’s “A Sympathetic Eye,” one that looks fondly on skirt-lifting church ladies of the 1940s. 7 Western Ave., Petaluma. 707.781.3200. –G.G.

Best Museum-Type Experience in a Non-Museum
It’s possible to tour artist Carlo Marchiori’s exquisite Calistoga estate. But that requires planning in advance, something that not all of us excel at. For those of you who are just sort of rolling through town, it’s by far easier to cruise into Marchiori’s amazing gallery. With a frescoed ceiling, architectural details galore, and an assortment of works that range in price from $5 to $5,000, Ca’Toga Galleria D’Arte is like walking into some kind of magical opera set come to life. (Note: good place to take visiting parents and relatives!) 1206 Cedar St., Calistoga. 707.942.3900.–S.B.

Best Celebrity Hobnobbing
It’s not like we live in New York or Los Angeles, where a celebrity sighting is as everyday ho-hum as your morning coffee. But the lure of wine country is strong, and there are a few events every year that bring out the big guns (and allow them to mingle with the very little guns, i.e., you and me). Cinema Epicuria is just one of those events, and though it’s not likely that Catherine Zeta-Jones will show up, some of the lesser (and therefore cooler) stars of film and screen often make appearances to support their films–and they’re approachable! Last year, for example, the screening of Finder’s Fee–a great little film that hasn’t yet hit the mainstream–found director (and Survivor superhost) Jeff Probst milling about at the Sebastiani Theatre with Matthew Lillard of Scooby-Doo and Scream semifame, plus character actor (and Jackie Brown star) Robert Forster. This year’s festival, taking place April 9-13, promises more star sightings to write home about. www.sonomafilmfest.org. –D.B.

Best Reason to Take an Arts Deduction in ’04
In that perfect world we know you ceaselessly strive toward, you, your neighbor, your son, daughter, husband, wife, secret lover, dog, cat, and parakeet should all belong with lusty abandon to every arts center in Marin, Napa, and Sonoma counties. And that’s because, you’ll wearily nod, the arts and humanities are significantly important in our lives, and that, you’ll also certainly and even more wearily nod, is with a period. Full stop. But enough polemics. Here’s the straight stuff: Take your deduction this year to definitively support the Sonoma County Museum, among others, because it will bring to you in exchange the rough, angular beauty of cowboy firmament poet James Turrell this June 21, and again at a special lecture this coming September in an exhibit titled “James Turrell: Light and Land.” Turrell, whose grading of the Roden Crater in Arizona opens to the public next year, is perhaps the sole maverick in the odd art of making the very heavens even more perfect to our imperfect eyes through carefully constructed “sky spaces” that frame the light and the movement of the stratosphere into perfectly considered forms. His 1969 full-room installation Raemar will be featured as will an overview of the 30 years that he’s spent ceaselessly working the red Arizona earth. And so it is that we strive to the divine. 425 Seventh St., Santa Rosa. 707.579.1500. –G.G.

Best Graffiti
It’s so big and bold it’s almost scary: the enormous, spray-painted graffiti portrait of an anime-esque elf maiden–her gleaming, lemon-shaped eyes as big as two tractor tires–splashed across an otherwise plain wooden fence on McDowell Boulevard, right across from Starbucks in Petaluma. The work of Fernando Ocampo, it stands as a conspicuous testament to the offbeat artistry and eccentricity of the North Bay. Or hell, maybe it’s just some really cool graffiti.–D.T.

Best Place to Drink Wine in the Presence of Former Television Child Star
There’s more than good vino at Imagery Estates Winery in Glen Ellen. While the 20-acre grounds are certainly beautiful, and the Imagery Art Gallery–featuring over 125 original artworks, painted for the winery’s labels by numerous brilliant contemporary artists–features the world’s largest collection of wine-label art, there is an extra surprise waiting for any TV trivia fans who happen to be visiting Imagery’s spacious tasting room: The counter is frequently manned by none other than Brian Forster, the still-boyish actor who once played diminutive drummer Chris on The Partridge Family. Technically, he’s the second Chris, since–as you Partridge Family fanatics surely know–the character made a Darren Stevens-like metamorphosis part-way through the show. Forster, who still acts now and then (was that him onstage as the Theater Manager in Santa Rosa Players’ recent production of Gypsy?), keeps busy chatting up visitors, encouraging them to c’mon, get happy, while pouring some of the tastiest specialty wines in the whole groovy state. 14335 Hwy. 12, Glen Ellen.–D.T.

Best Place to Be Surrounded by Live Pythons and Dead Lions
The Petaluma Wildlife Natural Science Museum, located on the edge of the Petaluma High School campus, is the largest student-run museum in America (and possibly the world). Filled with animals from around the globe–both the living and the dead-and-stuffed varieties–the remarkable world-class museum is open to the public (the first Saturday of each month) and is a regular host to classes of students from around the Bay Area. Well-trained Petaluma High students act as tour guides, while others handle such chores as tending the tanks, cleaning the cages, and feeding the various animals–everything from chinchillas and geckos and fish of all kinds, to a vast, wriggling bundle of beautiful snakes, including three Burmese pythons named Apocalypse, Belladonna, and Monty. The bulk of the museum is filled with stuffed and posed beasts from all corners of the earth–including lions, tigers, and bears. Oh my! 201 Fair St., Petaluma. 707.778.4787.–D.T.

From the March 20-26, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Best of Romance

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Best of Romance

[ ‘Best of’ Index ]

“‘The game’s going on rather better now,’ she said by way of keeping up the conversation a little.”Tis so,’ said the Duchess, ‘and the moral of that is–‘Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the world go round!'”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Place to Wear Oversized Bathrobes While Cuddling on the Plush Carpet in Front of a Fireplace and Looking Out the Window at the Sun Setting Over Mt. Tamalpais

The Acqua Hotel in Marin County–among the most romantic new hotels in the North Bay–is perched in an unlikely spot: right off Highway 101 at the edge of Mill Valley. Once inside, however, the freeway disappears, literally. All rooms face out on Richardson Bay, a perfect reflecting pool for a full moon and not a bad scampering spot for the mists and fogs that stroll down from Mt. Tamalpais. With its simple, Zen-inspired decor and upscale perks–robes in every room, spacious tubs in every bathroom, complimentary espressos served during breakfast on the sun-drenched patio–the Acqua is classy, cool, and very romantic. 555 Redwood Hwy., Mill Valley. 800.360.8038.–D.T.

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Lush Atmosphere in Which to Gaze Lovingly Into a Sake Cocktail
Lounge sounds sexy, whatever’s placed in front of it, and Zebulon’s is as good a word as any to pair with lounge. The bar emits a warm, red glow from the street, and once inside, the glow envelops everything. If you can tear your eyes away from the amazingly sparkly tables, glittered by co-owner Karen Cole herself, take a minute to gaze fondly at the menu of carefully chosen wines and sake cocktails. Sinking into a lush Merlot is as comfortably as sinking into one of Zebulon’s velvety banquettes. Indeed, it’s a romantic place whether you’re there with a significant other or not. Going solo can be romance enough when there’s nightly live jazz or local literati reading from their work at Tuesday’s LiveWire Literary Salon (sometimes romantic–the Kensington Ladies Erotica Society spiced things up one night). 21 Fourth St., Petaluma. 707.769.7948.–D.B.

Best Way to Propose with Hot Air
In the early morning on good days, you see them floating silently in the air. They seem stately and peaceful hanging there above the landscape. Up & Away Ballooning in Windsor holds balloon flights throughout the year, when flying conditions permit. The trips start out at the Sonoma County Airport and travel from three to 10 miles, depending on wind currents. When the pilot isn’t adding heat to the balloon, all is peace and quiet as you look down at the view, which may be the Napa Valley, the ocean, or just beautiful Sonoma County scenery. Could a guy (or girl) get a better opportunity to pop that all-important question? Afterward, you can pop some champagne too at the champagne brunch, included in the price, where you are pampered with romantic delicacies like chocolate-dipped strawberries, cheese, pastries, and fruit. Le Sigh . . . 800.711.2998 or www.up-away.com. –J.L.

Best Offbeat Place to Propose Marriage
Anyone can drop to one knee in a crowded restaurant or an angry father’s living room. But to really prove your sincerity–and a sense of adventure worth spending a lifetime with–you’ve got to propose marriage in an offbeat place. The carousel at Howarth Park in Santa Rosa is perfect. Once perched on the chosen pony, you could say, “Honey Bear, I just don’t want to go round and around in this crazy world without you,” and then show him or her the ring. Another unexpected betrothal spot is the petting zoo, also in Howarth Park. “Honey Pie, I just don’t want to live any longer on this crazy zoo of a planet without you here to share it all with me.” Of course, at the petting zoo you’ll have to be extra careful not to drop the ring, or you’ll be telling stories about having to dissect a goat to finish your proposal. 630 Summerfield Road, Santa Rosa. 707.543.3282.–D.T.

Best One-Night Honeymoon
The fact that it was a wring-the-wet-laundry dreariness of a Monday made the decision to suddenly decamp to Healdsburg for a pseudo one-night honeymoon all the more salaciously appealing. By midafternoon we had successfully fled the Petaluma ordinary to spend 12 short hours pretending to be in Spain (the lobby), Italy (the outdoor veranda), London (the stylishly decorated rooms), Atlantis (the deep, marvelous tub replete with citrus-rosemary shampoo, enough of which simply can’t be stuffed into just one purse), and that leisured Wine Country aerie (the restaurant) we seem to have read so much about and actually experienced so little of. With weekday rates significantly lower through April, the Hotel Healdsburg becomes a possible splurge for ravenous local love puppies. Room packages start at $370 a night and include dinner for two appealingly just next door. 25 Matheson St., Healdsburg. 707.431.2800 or www.hotelhealdsburg.com. –G.G.

Best Place to Hold Hands in Public
Isn’t it romantic? Sitting out under the stars, holding hands with your favorite person as people all around you check their star charts with infrared flashlights and point their telescopes into the milky heavens–there’s just nothing quite like it. Fortunately, the Valley of the Moon Observatory Association has been putting on a monthly public star-watching night at the Robert Ferguson Observatory in Kenwood. The observatory–a lovingly tended mecca for North Bay star gazers–has a thriving volunteer base devoted to the place, with numerous events and education programs scheduled year round. Sugarloaf Ridge State Park, 2605 Adobe Canyon Road, Kenwood. www.rfo.org. –D.T.

Other Best Place To Hold Hands In Public
The annual Lesbian and Gay Pride Parade and Celebration in downtown Santa Rosa, attended by folks of all stripes and labels, has been growing every year. It’s a beautiful thing. The next parade will take place on Sunday, June 8, 2003. Spread the love. For more info, check the website at www.sonic.net/~webscrbe/pride.–D.T.

Best Place to Shop for Wedding Rings After Body Surfing in the Pacific
You’ve either popped the question or responded to it in the affirmative, and now you need to buy the wedding rings. Where do you go? The most economical and convenient spots for such purchases are your nearby shopping mall or big-box stores, but these are also–get ready for an understatement–the least romantic places on the face of the earth. And shouldn’t your quest for rings be as loaded with romantic trappings as possible? We joyfully suggest a trip to Duncans Mills. The destination–a tiny rustic community–is just part of the whole romantic pastiche. The journey itself will take you through some of the loveliest scenery in Sonoma County. Once there, mosey along the tiny stretch of Highway 116 that constitutes Duncans Mills’ downtown. The galleries have loads of unusual items, including handmade jewelry–and wedding rings–that you won’t find in any megamall. An ideal setting for browsing, staring into each other’s eyes, and mapping out mutual futures.–D.T.

Best Sexy Slogan
“Pleasure Heals.” That’s the oh-so-practical statement emblazoned on bumper stickers and advertisements propagated by those sexy, pleasure-happy folks at Sebastopol’s much- loved (ahem) Sensuality Shoppe. A blue VW with Sebastopol plates was recently spied in a Marin County parking lot with three bumper stickers, saying simply, and in order, “Peace Rules,” “War Sucks,” and “Pleasure Heals.” We couldn’t agree more.–D.T.

From the March 20-26, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Best of Kids

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Best of Kids

[ ‘Best of’ index ]

“… an old crab took the opportunity of saying to her daughter, ‘Ah, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to lose your temper!’ ‘Hold your tongue, Ma!’ said the young crab, a little snappishly. ‘You’re enough to try the patience of an oyster!'”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Place to Hang with the Piggies
Stop by anytime at Leone Farm, and you’ll be able to see–and most likely pet–plenty of piglets. There’s always a new litter. Plus you can walk around the farm where the adult pigs roam under the oaks, roll in the mud, flirt, and cavort. And don’t be surprised if they come running up to you expecting a pet or a scratch behind the ears. They’re accustomed to that kind of treatment from Steve Leone and his assistant, Al Mathers. I’ve even seen Mathers carry piglets in her arms and absentmindedly kiss them as one would a puppy. When my son wistfully said how he wanted to take a piglet home, Leone gently explained that most of the animals are headed for the kitchen table, not the backyard. Even the many pigs bought as 4-H projects ultimately end up as pork chops. “But until that time, it’s your job to take the very best care of your pigs as you possibly can.” Obviously, the folks at Leone Farm take this advice to heart. for a nominal charge, Leone also takes piglets to schools and gives educational talks. A $3 donation is requested for a tour of the farm. 4301 Gravenstein Hwy. N., Sebastopol. 707.823.6097. –M.W.

Photograph by Rory McNamara

Best Place for a Pointed Lesson in Life
For several years now, the Sonoma Fencing Academy–tucked in beside old warehouses and pool halls along Petaluma’s Water Street–has been teaching children (and the occasional adult) the fine art of sword fighting. Run by the dashing Errol Flynn-ish master fencer Michael Pacheco, the popular school is the go-to spot for anyone wishing to learn the difference between a parry and a thrust. 239 Water St., Petaluma. 707.763.8290.–D.T.

Best Reason to Spend a Healthy Portion of College Tuition Savings on Just Six Days
My own mother’s cheery definition of childhood summers? Being trapped in a house with a woman who hates you. This must be why the Goddess created camp, and she did a bang-up job with the Pt. Reyes Nature Science Camp. Based at the Clem Miller Environmental Education Center near Limantour Beach, this camp causes hundreds of otherwise sane and respectable adults to haunt the mailbox each January in anticipation of an application that must be filled out and paid for on the day it arrives in order to ensure little Oona or Gabriel’s happy childhood come August. Staffed by biology and botany students who go by “Jim” and “Nancy” during the school year and “Raven” and “Moonflower” during the summer, this celebration of dread-locked collegiate youth and their genuine pleasure in revealing the unique ecosystems of the Pt. Reyes National Seashore to kids ages seven to 17 makes the biggest expenditure most bottom-line parents can afford each year worthwhile. Far, far better that part of a childhood summer be spent trapped in a cabin with a Wolf who adores you. 415.663.1224 or www.ptreyes.org. –G.G.

Best Place for Kids to Learn About the Food Chain
At Mike’s at the Yard in Petaluma, enterprising parents and field-trip organizers can attend the stock auctions in the adjoining auction yard, watch a butcher buy a steer from Farmer Jack–or watch Farmer Jack sell a stud bull to Farmer Joe–and then go down the stairs and inside the restaurant for a really, really good hamburger. You can’t miss Mike’s at the Yard, which spun off the Cotati’s popular Mike’s at the Crossroads: The wall is painted with the enormous words “Petaluma Livestock Auction Yard” and the parking lot will probably be half filled with large animal trailers. Can anyone say “Moooo”? 84 Corona Road, Petaluma. 707.769.1082.–D.T.

Best Other Best Place for Kids to Learn About the Food Chain
At the Cazanoma Lodge in remote Cazadero, families can enjoy fine German-American food at the sprawling, rustic, cabinlike restaurant, and if the kids choose to order the trout, they will be asked to escort the waiter outside, down the steps to the trout pond, where said children (or anyone else) can pick up a net and scoop up the fish of their choice. Fifteen minutes later, that same fish will be brought to the table, cooked to perfection. Excellent after watching your video of The Incredible Mr. Limpet.
1000 Kidd Creek Road, Cazadero. 707.632.5255.–D.T.

Best Place for Kids and Parents to Talk Funny, Dress Weird and Eat Bizarre Food
For about five years now, there’s been a gaping hole in the cultural soul of the North Bay, a hole about the size of the sprawling golf course at Black Point in Novato where the Renaissance Pleasure Faire once took Place. That, of course, was back when the Place was covered in trees and inhabited by colorful folks with funny accents, instead of being carpeted in short, green grass and peopled with rich guys in funny pants. So we were gladdened to hear that the Ren Faire was returning to Marin in the reincarnated form of the Heart of the forest Renaissance Faire. Last year’s inaugural event, held at the delightfully treed Stafford Lake Park, was a bit on the small side compared to the original, but as envisioned by Marin’s As You Like It Productions (the people responsible for the original, and the ones who still produce the Dickens Christmas Fair in San Francisco), it’s more than passable. It’ll surely grow. Though few in number, the cast of costumed actors is as frisky, clever, creative, and naughty as ever, with a special knack for embarrassing parents in front of their kids (or husbands in front of wives, for that matter). We wish them well, with a mighty Huzzah! The second annual Heart of the forest Faire is scheduled to run from July 12-Aug. 10. For further information, check www.forestfaire.com. –D.T.

Best Place for Kids to Get in Touch with Their Inner, Peaceful Warrior
My son is taking judo lessons at the Redwood Coast Judo Club for pretty much the same reasons I’m taking yoga classes elsewhere. They’re both physical disciplines that are more about centering, spirituality, and character than exercising or sport. Judo is a martial art and a great form of self-defense, yet the emphasis is always on building the confidence, self-discipline, and respect you need in order to avoid a fight. interestingly, although judo is not particularly well-known in the United States, it is the most popular sport in the world besides soccer. And according to the American College of Sports Medicine, it is the safest sport for children under 13. What else could a mom ask for? 3401 Cleveland Ave. #7, Santa Rosa, 707.528.4910.–M.W.

Best Kid-Friendly Culture Trap
You can imagine the pure pleasure the boys elicited that early winter weekend which saw both the new Harry Potter and Star Trek films open, when it was announced that we our very selves were indeed going to hemorrhage layers of cash by going to the movies. You can imagine their subsequent sorrow when, before arriving at Rialto Cinemas, said film was revealed to be Bowling for Columbine, because it was “good for them.” Two utterly silent adolescents shared the car with me as we drove to a documentary film about guns in America, enlivened only slightly by the promise of buttered popcorn and sodas. While they ultimately enjoyed the film, I wouldn’t have known how much had I not cleverly engineered a walk around Spring Lake immediately afterward. Trapped for a brisk two-mile loop around this man-made lake, there was nothing that they could do but talk. Thus I learned how they actually felt about America’s long-held trickery with loaded firearms. Thus I finally gained the name of a certain girl who also has French class second hour. Thus I gleaned that macaroni and cheese remains a high ideal of gourmet fare. Guaranteed “quality” time plus a chance to work off all that carbo-bribery. Rialto Cinemas Lakeside, 551 Summerfield Road, Santa Rosa, 707.539.9771; Spring Lake Park, 5390 Montgomery Drive, Santa Rosa, 707. 565.2267. –G.G.

Best Place to Hold Your Breath Under Water
At Morton’s Warm Springs Park, the pools are truly warm, heated by the 92-degree waters channeled in from the numerous hot springs that have existed there for, oh, probably jillions of years. Founded as a resort in the 1940s, the Place is now a popular recreation spot for families and amphibians from around the North Bay. It’s open daily from May to September, and the good people at Morton’s offer season passes for frequent visitors. 1651 Warm Springs Road, Kenwood. 707.833.5511.–D.T.

Best Place to Get a Hook in Your Thumb While Teaching Your Kid How to Fish
Once there was a little trout,
who had a mighty, fishy pout.
Said he, “I am not very fond,
of swimming in this quiet pond
Where nothing bothers me but flies,
and fishes never get surprised.
If I could wish on a magic charm,
I’d be whisked to Hagemann Trout Farm.
That’s the Place, near Bodega Bay,
where fishers come to play and play.
There I’d be stocked in a pond so full
of fish, it’s like a miracle.
Nestled on a ranch of numerous acres,
attended by excellent fish caretakers,
with poles and bait and all one could wish,
waiting for people to show up and fish.
‘You catch ’em, we clean ’em,’ that’s their line.
Oh, if I swam there, my life would be fine.
‘Cause when you’re a fish it’s a really big blast,
knowing every moment could be your last.”

Hagemann Ranch Trout Farm is open from April to November, Saturday and Sunday, 9am-5pm. 707.876.3217 or www.sonic.net/~bruceh/.–D.T.

Best Place for Kids to Pretend They Are Pirates
OK, there are probably better Places to pretend you’re a pirate–at a resort in the Caribbean, for instance. But on Spyglass Hill, out on the huge, damp, grassy field of the San Rafael Lagoon, a battered spyglass, hammered by time and vandals, still stands overlooking the lagoon, the Marin Civic Center, and the Veteran’s Memorial Theater. A perfect spot for playing capture the flag, the hill is reinforced with a circular concrete dais and semicircular bench, as spattered with seagull droppings as the blue and chrome spyglass is devoid of its lens. Just remote enough to feel slightly dangerous and, shall we say, piratical, its a perfect spot to imagine defending one’s shipmates against an attack by British soldiers.–D.T.

Best Place to Stop for Directions–and Maybe a Piece of Pie–on Your Way to or from the Coast with Your Kids
Due to the location of Mom’s Apple Pie–between downtown Sebastopol and the Pacific Ocean–the popular pie baking mecca has developed another specialty on the side: giving out friendly directions to lost motorists. Not surprisingly, Mom’s has distributed a large number of pies–and coffee and the occasional fresh sandwich–along with all those pointed fingers and succinct instructions as to where the ocean is in relation to the land. We have no doubt that some people pretend to be lost just
to have an excuse for another piece of pie. 4550 Gravenstein Hwy. N., Sebastopol. 707.823.8330.–D.T.

Best Place to Let Your Kids Yell at Goats
Talk about your worst nightmare: The bad guy is running toward you, but you’re paralyzed, unable to run away, just waiting for your demise. Take pity on the poor fainting goats. Myotonic goats are so called because, due to a genetic disorder, their muscles lock up when they are startled, so they fall over. in the past, a myotonic goat would be Placed in a herd of sheep. When a wolf came around, the goat would startle and fall, providing a quick, easy meal while the more valuable sheep had a chance to run away. (The term “fainting” is misleading, however, because they don’t actually lose consciousness. Ah, poor guys.) Thankfully, the pet goats at the Old Faithful Geyser in Calistoga don’t have to put up with wolves. But they do have to deal with kids screaming “Boo! Boo! Boo!” all day long, trying to get them to fall. Seems like a small price to pay though. 1299 Tubbs Lane, Calistoga. 707.942.6463.–M.W.

Best Place for Kids to Learn to Distinguish One Knot from Another
The Compass Rose is a big boat, once used by the Navy as a torpedo chaser, that now serves as the playground and classroom for Petaluma’s Sea Scouts. A division of the Boy Scouts of America, the Sea Scouts include female sailors–Petaluma’s current crop of scouts is predominantly female at the moment–who patrol the rivers and deltas and coastlines of the Bay Area while spouting nautical phraseology and having a great time on the waves and in the waters. The Compass Rose is docked at the Petaluma Marina, where passersby often pause to wonder what it is. What it is, is cool.–D.T.

From the March 20-26, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing inc.

Best of 2003

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Best of 2003

[ ‘Best of’ Index ]

Culture

“I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read fairytales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a book written about me, that there ought!”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Recreation

“There was no ‘one, two, three, and away,’ but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half-an-hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out, ‘The race is over!’ and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, ‘But who has won?'”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Food & Drink

“However, this bottle was not marked ‘poison,’ so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavor of cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished it off.”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Romance

“‘The game’s going on rather better now,’ she said by way of keeping up the conversation a little.”Tis so,’ said the Duchess, ‘and the moral of that is–‘Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the world go round!'”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Kids

“… an old crab took the opportunity of saying to her daughter, ‘Ah, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to lose your temper!’ ‘Hold your tongue, Ma!’ said the young crab, a little snappishly. ‘You’re enough to try the patience of an oyster!'”

[ Staff Picks | Readers’ Poll Results ]

Everyday

“Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.”

[ Staff Picks

Staff picks were contributed by Davina Baum, Sara Bir, Greg Cahill, Gretchen Giles, James Knight, Joy Lanzendorfer, Patrick Sullivan, David Templeton, and M. V. Wood. Quotes are from Lewis Carroll’s ‘Alice in Wonderland.’

From the March 20-26, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

‘Cradle 2 the Grave’

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‘Cradle 2 the Grave’

‘Screening Party’ (2002)

‘Misadventures in the (213)’ (1999)

Photograph by Claudette Barius

Maybe a Little Kick: Jet Li defeats enemies with the greatest of ease in ‘Cradle 2 the Grave.’

Hit Men

Author Dennis Hensley on Jet Li, fighting with girls, and ‘Cradle 2 the Grave’

Writer David Templeton takes interesting people to interesting movies in his ongoing quest for the ultimate postfilm conversation. This is not a review; rather, it’s a freewheeling, tangential discussion of art, alternative ideas, and popular culture.

Dennis Hensley is not talking. Not much. Not yet.

That’s good for the other popcorn-clutching theater bums scattered about the cineplex this sunny afternoon, staring in shell-shocked wonder as Cradle 2 the Grave–starring DMX, Jet Li, and Tom Arnold–explodes across the big, reverberating screen before us. Aside from occasional exhalation of “Whoa!” and “Ouch!,” my guest stays respectfully mum throughout the film, though it’s pretty unlikely–given the noise of exploding safes, heads, and helicopters, and the deafening snap! snap! snap! of loudly breaking bones–that anyone could have heard Hensley cracking jokes above all the din.

Too bad.

Hensley, after all, is a card-carrying master of the midfilm wisecrack. He’s the L.A.-based author of the new book Screening Party, a follow-up to his bestselling 1995 hit novel Misadventures in the (213), about a gay would-be screenwriter on the fringes of Hollywood. In Screening Party, Hensley gathers a motley assortment of characters to watch DVDs, capturing their bitchy banter and borderline-cruel deconstructions of everything from Steven Spielberg’s Jaws to Mariah Carey’s Glitter. Driven by Hensley’s off-kilter wit and naughty-boy style, Screening Party is an homage to the fine art of talking during movies.

But we’re in public now, and Hensley–impressively self-contained–waits patiently till the rowdy climax of Cradle 2 the Grave. The film is about a gang of born-again jewel thieves (lead by rapper-turned-thespian DMX) who steal and lose a bag of mysterious black gems, then team up with a Taiwanese secret agent (Li) and a motor-mouthed purveyor of stolen goods (Arnold) to get the jewels back and along the way locate DMX’s annoying kidnapped daughter, kill a bunch of ugly people, and save the world from a well-dressed cabal of weapons dealers trying to get their hands on the stolen gems, which turn out to be powerful pellets of concentrated plutonium capable of flattening civilization as we know it.

“It was so ridiculous,” Hensley says as we exit the theater in search of caffeine and a bit of well-earned quiet. “But it was kind of fun, in a way,” he admits. “I think I expected something darker, more realistic–less expensive to film. But it was just so silly.” After a pause, he adds, “You know a film is in trouble when Tom Arnold is a breath of fresh air.”

Whoa! Ouch!

“I kind of like Jet Li,” he goes on. “I love how he has only one expression and never breaks a sweat. He doesn’t even move, basically. In fight scenes, he just stands back and goes, ‘Maybe I’ll kick a little.'”

Cradle 2 the Grave–“What does that title mean?” Hensley asks–is the kind of movie where fight scenes include people running up walls, spinning horizontally to avoid flying bullets, and launching volleys of kicks and kung fu chops so fast and furious you begin to wonder how John Wayne ever got away with merely slugging a guy.

“Have you ever punched anyone?” I ask Hensley.

“Oh, no, I’m a huge pussy,” he laughs. “I was in a fight with a girl, once. Three girls, actually, and I think I kicked their asses. They attacked me and I freaked out and just kind of went off on them, hitting, slapping, whatever it took. So I won, but then we all got swats in the principal’s office.”

Having located a coffee shop with an outside table not overly covered in pigeon-droppings, Hensley cuddles his designer coffee as he takes a seat to swap our favorite Cradle 2 the Grave movie moments. Mine is the scene where Jet Li is chased by a vicious Doberman, and runs up the side of an alley wall, leaping over the dog’s head to land back on the ground–and then the dog does the same thing.

One of Hensley’s favorite bits is the “CSI moment,” when a bad guy gets a weaponized slug of concentrated plutonium shoved down his esophagus. We witness this event in a shot from inside the esophagus.

“I thought that was pretty delicious,” Hensley admits, “though I’ll bet, in another version of that scene, Jet Li shoved that thing right up the guy’s ass.

“Actually,” he adds, “I’ll bet it’s the same inside shot in both versions.”

From the March 13-19, 2003 issue of the North Bay Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Dennis Kucinich

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Dennis Kucinich

Man With a Plan: Congressman Dennis Kucinich is looking to make a few changes in our administration.

Peace Initiative

Dennis Kucinich to rally forces in North Bay

By Tara Treasurefield

Voters who are looking for an alternative to duct tape, Big Brother, and decades of war certainly could do worse than Ohio representative Dennis Kucinich. The congressman, who is one of nine contenders for the Democratic presidential nomination, is lesser known than some of his colleagues–and commentators have downplayed his chances of getting the nomination–but his liberal stance on issues like the potential war in Iraq are gaining him support.

On March 29, he will speak at a Praxis Peace Institute event at the Marin Center.

His proposed legislation to create a Department of Peace would move the nation from “wars to end all wars” to “peace to end all wars.” He has also introduced legislation to label genetically engineered foods, supports single payer healthcare and retirement security for all, and wants to cancel “free trade agreements” that have lost hundreds of thousands of jobs.

Kucinich supports a woman’s right to choose, sex education, family planning, and contraception. He shows up at peace rallies, and he marched with workers through the streets of Seattle to protest the policies of the World Trade Organization. He knows what it’s like to live in a car.

In a recent interview with Kucinich, I asked a few burning questions.

Good people with good hearts believe what they hear on the nightly news or read in the morning paper. But in the corporate media, much of what passes for news is really propaganda. Do you have specific ideas for changing that?

I think there are so many different media outlets that it’s tough for people to understand what’s real and what isn’t. I think there is a sense in which we have to trust our own intuition about what we believe is going on.

Let’s take the war, for example. A lot of information is reinforcing the cause of war. And yet, we know that there has been no proof that Iraq was connected to the event of 9-11, and we know that Iraq did not attack our country. No credible information has been brought forward that suggests that Iraq was responsible for al Qaida’s role in 9-11, nor is there any evidence that Iraq had anything to do with the anthrax attack on our country. . . .

It’s important for people to look for alternative resources when the major media may not be presenting information which is at variance with the message of the day at the White House.

Do you think that recent moves to impeach George Bush have merit and are worth pursuing?

I’m not in favor of impeachment. I think we need to make the peace movement visible in this country, and we need to work for candidates who want to create structures of peace in our society [and] who want new foreign policies which rely not on unilateralism and preemption, but on cooperation and support for the United Nations. An effort towards impeachment would only serve to strengthen the current administration.

With passage of the USA Patriot Act, the attorney general of the United States gained the legal right to arrest anyone in the country without specific charges and hold them indefinitely. Do you see any way to recover our civil liberties and prevent the passage of new legislation that will erode them even further?

We need to work to regain those civil liberties that have been ceded to a government which is determined to stay at war and therefore keep this nation on alert. The Patriot Act ought to be repealed. We cannot achieve security in our society through having a government dedicated to war. The attack on Iraq will increase the jeopardy for our own citizens. We need a different response to the challenge of terrorism, which is to enforce the law using good, old-fashioned police and detective work, and wherever that can’t work, using the international community to take coordinated action towards peaceful resolution.

The Patriot Act was a step in the direction of establishing a type of government that is really foreign to everything that America stands for. This will be an issue in the 2004 election.

How did the Patriot Act get passed?

It passed in a climate of fear. That fear is being maintained in this country. . . . When people are afraid, they do things that are often against their own interests. The people in Congress aren’t any different from anybody else, in terms of their essential human makeup. The people in Congress can become afraid, and they can vote that way.

Through the Patriot Act, the administration intends to control the Internet as well. Is there any way to prevent this?

I think that the peace . . . and civil-liberties movements must become visible. People need to be heard from, so as to create some resistance to this move toward undemocratic structures.

The Bush administration’s Defense Department budget–$380 billion and climbing–represents about one-half of every tax dollar spent. Is there any way to shift government-spending priorities, especially now with fear so dominant?

Yes, [with] a new administration and a new Congress. This administration is determined to spend the treasure of this nation on war and tax cuts. There’s a trillion and a half dollars for tax cuts. But there’s no money for healthcare. No money for education. No money for creating jobs. No money for rebuilding our cities. But there’s money for war. That’s why this administration needs to be challenged and replaced.

Dennis Kucinich will speak at the Marin Center on March 29. To order tickets, call the Marin Center box office at 415.499.6800.

Send a letter to the editor about this story to le*****@*******ws.com.

From the March 13-19, 2003 issue of Metro, Silicon Valley’s Weekly Newspaper.

© Metro Publishing Inc. Metroactive is affiliated with the Boulevards Network.

For more information about the San Jose/Silicon Valley area, visit sanjose.com.

‘Apocalypse: The Book of Revelation’

Word for Word: Eliot Fintushel makes the word flesh in 'Apocalypse.'Hot DamnFor actor-writer Eliot Fintushel, the end of the world is a one-man show Anyone who's ever sat down to read the book of Revelation--that fierce and fiery end paper to the Christian Bible--is no doubt aware that unless you're a biblical scholar, a born-again fundamentalist, or a raving...
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Best of Everyday

"Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way."Photograph by Rory McNamaraBest Goldmine of Useless Little Plastic ToysBins and bins and bins of them, all lined up along the front counter: pregnant woman key chains, pooping...
Read more

Best of Recreation

"There was no 'one, two, three, and away,' but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half-an-hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out, 'The race is over!' and they...
Read more

Best of Food & Drink

"However, this bottle was not marked 'poison,' so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavor of cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished it off."Photograph by Michael AmslerBest Inexpensive, Well-Crafted Tasty TreatsSomewhere along the evolutionary timeline of baked goods, scones...
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Best of Culture

"I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read fairytales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a book written about me, that there ought!" Photograph by Michael AmslerBest Eccentric Historian Hoppy Hopkins, a card-carrying "old timer" and Petaluma...
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Best of Romance

"'The game's going on rather better now,' she said by way of keeping up the conversation a little.''Tis so,' said the Duchess, 'and the moral of that is--'Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!'" Photograph by Rory McNamaraBest Place to Wear Oversized Bathrobes While Cuddling on the Plush Carpet in Front of a Fireplace and...
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Best of Kids

"... an old crab took the opportunity of saying to her daughter, 'Ah, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to lose your temper!' 'Hold your tongue, Ma!' said the young crab, a little snappishly. 'You're enough to try the patience of an oyster!'"Photograph by Rory McNamaraBest Place to Hang with the PiggiesStop by anytime at...
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Best of 2003

Culture "I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read fairytales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a book written about me, that there ought!" Recreation "There was no 'one, two, three, and away,' but they began running...
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‘Cradle 2 the Grave’

'Screening Party' (2002)'Misadventures in the (213)' (1999)Photograph by Claudette BariusMaybe a Little Kick: Jet Li defeats enemies with the greatest of ease in 'Cradle 2 the Grave.'Hit MenAuthor Dennis Hensley on Jet Li, fighting with girls, and 'Cradle 2 the Grave' Writer David Templeton takes interesting people to interesting movies in his ongoing quest for the ultimate postfilm conversation....
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Dennis Kucinich

Man With a Plan: Congressman Dennis Kucinich is looking to make a few changes in our administration.Peace InitiativeDennis Kucinich to rally forces in North BayBy Tara TreasurefieldVoters who are looking for an alternative to duct tape, Big Brother, and decades of war certainly could do worse than Ohio representative Dennis Kucinich. The congressman, who is one of nine contenders...
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