Wild Kingdom

Illustration by Winston Smith

Birds do it, bees do it, even Bill Clinton does it. A few words on the absurdity of mating

By Christopher Weir

S EX, THE HUMAN incarnation, is absurd. It may be an inevitability, it may make the world turn, and you may really, really like it. Nevertheless, it is absurd. Those demanding proof need look no further than the leader of the free world, who is on the verge of being toppled by a loose zipper. You can talk about free love and quote John Lennon until you’re blue in the face, but that won’t keep you from turning red when someone catches you doing the nasty.

With Valentine’s Day upon us in all its Hallmark-saturated glory, now is no time to deny the inherent absurdity of sex. On the other hand, we can’t fully embrace the absurdity, if only for the psychological implications. So we might as well turn to another age-old human reflex: sneaking a peek at someone else’s dirty laundry. Call it a diversionary tactic, but it sure beats introspection, right?

But if not the human race’s dirty laundry, then whose? The animal kingdom’s, of course. It’s there, under rocks, beneath the sea, in the grass, atop the trees. And we’re not talking mammals. They’re boring.

We’re talking insects, reptiles, fish, birds, and other creatures that take a more surreal approach to copulation.

Without any further ado, then, we present the following. Enjoy the ride. And contemplate the parallels at your own risk.

The Meat Market

SOME OF THE MOST fascinating birds are those that have what’s known as a ‘lek’ behavior,” says Kimball Garrett, ornithology collections director at Los Angeles County’s Museum of Natural History. “It’s essentially the animal kingdom’s equivalent of a single’s bar. A whole bunch of males will gather together in a display area and show off through dances, vocalizations, displays, and various other behaviors. The females wander in and presumably choose the most desirable or macho males.”

Among the lovebirds that exhibit lek behavior, Garret says, are the brightly colored species of South America, as well as some grouses and chickens.

“Because of that mate-choice system,” he says, “the males have evolved all sorts of fancy plumage and behaviors as they try to outdo themselves.”

Many male insects, on the other hand, opt for a less labor-intensive approach to conquering females: the living chastity belt.

“With a lot of insects, the females will mate many times,” says Dr. Brian Brown, assistant curator of entomology at Los Angeles County’s Museum of Natural History. “Often, the last male in is the first one out, however. That means that the last batch of sperm that gets into the female will be the first one she uses when she starts laying eggs. So the first guy in there goes right to the back, the next one goes on top, and so on.”

Thus: “The male sometimes stays attached for a long period of time,” Brown says. “He basically stops the female from mating again, ensuring that his sperm will be used.”

Even more dastardly is the remote-controlled chastity belt: “Other males just produce a plug. … They’ll just fill her up with this stuff that basically hardens and keeps her from mating until the eggs are ready.”

Girl Power

ELSEWHERE in the animal kingdom, however, females are firmly on top. “There’s a deep-sea fish–the lantern fish–where the female is normal size, a few inches long,” says Steven Webster, marine science adviser at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. “At an early date, a young larval male bites her, attaches, and then gets rid of just about everything. All that’s left is essentially a bag of testes.”

And?

“Well, if you’re big on the feminist movement,” Webster says,”you might say, ‘Well, that’s just fine.’ If not, you might say, ‘Gee, that’s what happened to me.'”

On a Valentine’s Day note, male “dance” flies have to muster more than mere sweet talk if they’re going to do the hanky-panky. “So they’ll kill a small insect,” Brown says. “Then they’ll fly around holding their little gift. The female comes along, they give her the gift, she feeds on it and allows him to mate with her.

But even predatory flies aren’t immune to the cheap-date syndrome. “Certain species within this group cover their gifts with silk before they give them to her,” Brown says. “But some have gone even farther. … They only give her a ball of silk. There’s no food in there anymore, but she’s so ingrained into reacting to this thing that she still accepts it. She’s completely conned.”

Doing the Deed

DIFFERENT INSECTS do it all kinds of ways,” Brown says. “Face to face, tail to tail, facing away from each other. A lot of them do it in flight.”

Any homosexual insects?”No, never heard of that,” he replies.

Elsewhere, the nature of the act tends to reflect the nature of the animal. For example, birds, as one might expect, are a little too jumpy and nervous for anything more than a quickie.

“The mating is pretty fleeting,” he says. “Most birds don’t have any external sexual organs. They have what’s called a ‘cloaca,’ which is essentially the opening of both the reproductive and digestive systems … so it’s pretty much just a quick jump on, then a pressing of the cloacas together.”

Lizards, on the other hand, take a more leisurely approach to sex. They don’t even bother with the pushups that tend to occupy their more solitary hours.

“With most lizards, the male is literally catatonic when transferring sperm,” says Barry Sinervo, assistant professor of biology at UCSC. “The female is more alert, but they’re both just kind of sitting there. It takes a good five to 10 minutes for sperm transfer to take place.”

But, really, why not just mail it in?

“Sea slugs have shoulder-to-shoulder, hypodermic insemination,” Webster says. “The penis is a dartlike structure, and they actually shoot each other. They exchange sperm in both directions and both produce offspring.”

Barnacles mail it in, too. Only they don’t care where it goes. “All barnacles are both male and female,” Webster says. “The larvae tend to settle on rocks by their heads, then secrete a shell and are permanently cemented to those rocks. … Now, you may think, ‘How is a barnacle permanently affixed to a rock by its head going to find a partner’. … It turns out that every barnacle has a penis 14 barnacle diameters long.

“So within that radius, in any direction, most barnacles have a whole lot of possibilities on Saturday night.”

Doing the Darwin

IF YOU HAVE LIVED to be oldest and biggest, chances are you’ve got good genes,” says Webster. “You’ll have a robust bunch of kids.”

Hence, the “beachmaster,” the elephant seal’s interpretation of the Superman theory.

“They arrive at Año Nuevo or wherever they come to shore, then stake out and maintain a territory,” Webster continues. “They wait for the females to come, then gather a harem of 30 or 40. Meanwhile, they’re fending off all the younger mature males. And those beachmasters, who are probably 17 or 18 years old, have been waiting all their lives to get to this exalted position. It takes so much energy to protect that harem, they’re usually good for only two or three years; then they die of exhaustion.”

He adds, “Something like 7 percent of the males do most of the mating. A good many of the males just never get there. They try to sneak copulations. Some are successful, others aren’t.”

The “side-blotched” lizard is involved in a more intricate evolutionary game, one that transpires within about eight square miles south of Pacheco Pass. Here’s how it works: The males have three different throat colors–orange, blue, and yellow. The orange type is a muscleman, the blue a mate guard, the yellow a drag queen.

“The orange lizards are essentially on steroids and can beat up on the blue ones,” Sinervo explains. “They take over the females, so blue ones build up in the population. But the females tend to have yellow on their throat, and the yellow male actually behaves like a female. So the studly blue male doesn’t recognize it and gets cuckolded and all his females get copulated by the sneaker. So then the yellow males increase to high frequency.

“But unlike the blue or the orange, they don’t defend their territory. So all you need is a mate-guarding male to come in and keep the yellow guys away from the females, and that’s exactly what the blue lizards do. Then the blues increase in frequency. So it’s really an infinite little cycle, a sort of never-ending love triangle of males.”

Love and Marriage

UNTIL RECENTLY, many bird species were thought to be devoted husbands and wives. That is, until paternity testing proved otherwise. “The more studies are done, the more fooling around there seems to be,” Garrett says. “A lot of species that were considered monogamous, with just a single male-female pair bond in a breeding season, are now in question. … It turns out that some of the young don’t belong to the father, the male mate. We know this through DNA sequencing.”

As for that most touching moment in any marriage, who needs ultrasound to take the surprise out of things?

“The neat thing about some insects called the hymenoptera–ants, bees, wasps–is that the females can decide whether or not they lay male or female eggs, just by whether or not they fertilize them. Unfertilized eggs become males, fertilized eggs become females, depending on the situation and what’s most beneficial at the time.”

And not all animal courtships end in acrimony. “The ‘sleepy’ lizards of Australia,” Sinervo says, “are monogamous their whole lives. … They’re totally coupled. They kind of truck around together, and they come together to copulate year after year.”

Crazy for You

AND, FINALLY, the grand finale: Bizarre sex tricks brought to you by the truly wild kingdom. “With the sheephead [fish], there’s an adult super male for a given territory,” Webster says. “As soon as that male dies, the next female in line, already predetermined, will in a matter of weeks turn off her female genes and turn on her male genes. She becomes the super male.”

That is, unless humans interfere.

“We have one now in our kelp forest that’s stuck about halfway through the transition,” Webster continues. “It’s probably because we removed the male at one point for a few weeks to treat his parasites. When we put him back in, that caused her to grind to a sudden halt. She will undoubtedly be the next male when he dies.

And the drumroll, please …

“There are these wormlike, multisegmented family of sea animals known as the syllids,” says Mark Silberstein, director of the Elkhorn Slough Foundation.

“In some species, in the middle of their bodies, a set of eyeballs starts growing, and basically a new head forms about midway down the animal. And it continues to grow, and the reproductive organs are sort of confined to the rear part of the animal’s body.

From the new set of eyes down, it starts becoming increasingly differentiated and elongated. It gets paddles for swimming, the eyes enlarge, the gonads grow.

And at some point, usually synchronously, right around either the new or the full moon, these new little animals break off, swim up to the surface of the ocean, and have sex in the water in this huge, communal, collective orgy.”

He continues, “Now, typically, that part of the animal dies. But the original part of the animal crawls back under the rocks, comes back another year, and goes through the whole process again.”

Now imagine that.

From the February 5-11, 1998 issue of the Sonoma County Independent.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Lip Service

Dream On: More people than you think are giving oral sex the big kiss-off.

Oral sex ain’t what it used to be

By July St. James

THERE IS NOTHING quite as embarrassing as being caught snoozing at the wheel while a whole sexual revolution is unfolding under your nose. Admittedly, this latest brouhaha with the Clinton/Lewinsky/oral sex debate brought it to a–ahem–head. First those reports a few years ago that Newt Gingrich was known to get a little lip service from young ladies other than Mrs. Gingrich. Now it’s allegedly President Clinton’s turn with a toothsome–ouch–Beverly Hills-reared intern. For politicians so partisanly opposed, their defense is remarkably similar: oral sex doesn’t count as infidelity.

Trend watchers of teen mores also file a disturbing report: The once-sacred “B.J.” (if intercourse was a “home run,” then oral sex was considered out of the baseball park) has been devalued as the coin of intimacy to worth only a few ducats more than a handshake.

Apparently there’s some serious rearranging happening on the sexual landscape nowadays. Beneath the tittering, the snickering, and the endless dirty jokes, inquiring minds want to know: Just what the heck is going down with going down?

Fortunately, the folks with their thumb on the big, throbbing pulse of society are more than happy to spill.

“There have historically always been images of oral sex, but it’s not what humans do naturally,” reports sociology professor John Gagnon, Ph.D. One of the country’s foremost sex researchers, Gagnon helped design the 1994 University of Chicago sex survey, a highly respected and comprehensive study of American sexual practices later incorporated into two books, The Social Organization of Sexuality (University of Chicago Press, 1994), and Sex in America (Little, Brown, 1994).

Dr. Gagnon thinks about sex–oral sex, anal sex, gay sex, what-have-you sex–a lot. But the difference between him and the Bud Man on the street is that the good doctor thinks intelligently about The Deed. And he’s used to folks coughing and blushing when they’re trying to ask him intelligent (one hopes) questions about sex–specifically oral sex.

“It still invites an enormous amount of nervous laughter,” observes Gagnon about this particular region in his probing study. Gagnon recounts a recent TV interview he watched, with Peter Jennings and a group of 20-something quotemeisters roundtabling about the recent Clinton troubles.

“Jennings couldn’t even get the words ‘oral sex’ out,” laughs Gagnon. “I think he was terrified that someone would say ‘blow job.'”

Gagnon notes that oral sex did not emerge as a widespread sexual technique until the 1920s. Called the “genital kiss” by marriage manuals of the day, oral sex–particularly cunnilingus–was recommended as a way to express intimacy between couples.

Given how tight-lipped we are about intimacy, you’d think that we’d be equally uptight about this most intimate of acts. Oh, but you’d be wrong.

In their survey of almost 3,500 men and women ages 18 to 59 of varying racial, economic, and educational backgrounds, Gagnon and his fellow researchers discovered that far more people have experienced oral sex than have not. But, who you are may well influence the, uh, outcome. Whites are about 30 percent more likely to engage in oral sex than blacks, while higher education also correlates with greater likelihood of indulging. Religion appears to have little influence on whether people give or receive oral sex except, not surprisingly, for those who consider themselves Religiously Conservative Protestants.

One presumes they’re on their knees enough as it is.

Age is another factor. The Social Organization of Sexuality exhibits a nifty graph correlating their year of birth with the likelihood that folks experienced oral sex. Starting from a relatively shriveled point for the 80-year-olds, the axis representing age projects to practically erect by the time it hits the 38- to 40-year-olds. For those keeping track, that would be the guys and gals who came of age around the tail end of the last sexual revolution.

Notes Gagnon, “I think the behavior [of oral sex] became less a behavior of intimacy [over the last 70 years] and more because one was technically competent. You used to do it only with someone you cared about a lot, but it has now become technology and technique.”

THE DOOMSAYERS predicting a new batch of dangerously immoral youth are also beating the drums of hysteria a bit too prematurely. That age-line axis begins to detumify for both men and women under 30 years old–surprisingly, though, at a much faster rate for men. It appears that the gender stereotyped for dreaming, thinking, and talking about oral sex is, well, dreaming, thinking, and talking about it. Period. Gagnon notes that a recent study of teens and sex indicates that oral sex–particularly fellatio– is sometimes used as an alternative to penetration, thereby allowing women to claim technical virginity. But, he adds, “that is not the majority.”

Gagnon also notes how men’s and women’s magazine portrayals of oral sex are a good indication of how it is viewed differently by the sexes.

“Women’s magazines treat oral sex in the traditional way–it’s something you do for intimacy in a relationship,” says Gagnon. “Men’s magazines detach oral sex from the relationship–it’s an experience in and of itself.” He adds another example: “When a man goes to a prostitute and pays for a blow job, it’s like getting your ashes hauled … but the same act is very different, symbolically, for women.”

Janet Lever, Ph.D., writes the Sex & Health column for Glamour magazine and, with Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., just co-authored The Great Sex Weekend: A 48-hour Guide to Rekindling Sparks for Bold, Busy or Bored Lovers (Putnam, 1998). Lever agrees that men and women read very different meaning into oral sex. She mentions “glory holes,” an urban, predominantly gay phenomenon, where men place their penises in holes of public bathroom walls for totally anonymous fellatio. “That whole notion that neither party would know the other is astounding to a female,” says Lever.

She offers another insight into oral sex and prostitution. Because men may feel that giving oral sex to a woman is degrading, she notes, “there are men who do this with a call girl and who will not do it at home.

“Which,” she states in no uncertain terms, “is grounds for justifiable homicide.”

SO, BACK TO THE Clinton/Gingrich theory of oral sex vs. unfaithful-to-your-wife sex. Even the sex researchers find this defense hard to swallow.

“That’s a lovely way for a man to think,” Lever dryly responds. However, her research indicates that it is not as impersonal as the president and that other blowhard would have us believe.

“It’s not an everyday event,” notes Dr. Lever. “It’s still a birthday-special occasion event.”

Gagnon takes a milder, more scholarly approach to the debate. He points out that not just oral sex, but sex itself is an unnatural act–but he is speaking sociologically, not religiously.

“Sex is a cultural act and comes with an elaborately loaded set of meanings,” he says. Whether oral sex constitutes infidelity is a dilemma peculiar to the thinking mammal.

“Is oral sex, sex? Is it part of a relationship? What constitutes a relationship?” Gagnon offers up an array of the almost limitless permutations the human race asks itself when groping for values around its sexual behavior. “What we’re doing is struggling for meaning of the act.”

“Clinton may think that oral sex is not a sexual relationship, and it’s not uncommon that men think that,” he continues. However, the president, or any man for that matter, may answer quite differently depending on whether he is being surveyed by scientists or if his dearly beloved has a gun pointed to his head as she poses the question: “You only make that discrimination when you’re in trouble,” Gagnon laughs.

Lever offers one more observation on the difference between the sexes when it comes to the great oral debate: “It’s a major frustration of men that they don’t get oral sex, but you know what?

“They don’t give it much, either.”

From the February 5-11, 1998 issue of the Sonoma County Independent.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Blind Lust

Illustration: Detail from ‘The Birth of Venus’ by Sandro Botticelli.

Meeting–and doing it–in the dark

By Sarah Phelan

W HEN PHIL and Sabrina (not their real names) found each other through the romance ads, they both were desperately seeking sex and touch. For weeks beforehand, Phil had resisted the temptation to place an ad, figuring only losers use the personals. Eventually, however, he succumbed to his desires, as loneliness outweighed his fear of being a failure.

So what if he was one of those “men seeking women”? He rose to the challenge of producing one inch of witty, stimulating copy, shooting his wad of freely flowing creative juices into an ad that stood out from the usual collection, one that would lure the “beautiful brunettes” and “trim temptresses” on the prowl for a “sexy sweetie” or “wicked wizard” with whom to share magical, mystical moments. Not even the “hippie with beard, brains and bucks” nor the “galactic human seeking ascension partner” was a match for his piece. It read: Vegan Slut–sweet, soft-skinned, and safe, masseur, writer, teacher, good cook, back from Euroyears, pining for hungry touchmonkey with sharp mind, soft heart, and sense of humor, for funsex, and cuddlelove, more if we dare. Poly possible.

Deliberately avoiding descriptions of his appearance–which, in his opinion, “are almost meaningless, since people put their own interpretations on it, anyway–Phil focused on what he wanted, and showcased his personality through clever wordplays coupled with naughty suggestiveness.

His daringly original and direct headline caught Sabrina’s roving eye as she flipped through the classifieds in search of a likely prospect. To her non-vegetarian mind, the word “vegan” implied a concern for personal and planetary health and a potentially safe sexual partner. As for “slut,” that spoke to the sex goddess in her, especially since her ex-boyfriend had once joked that “whores do it for money, sluts do it for love.”

Either way, she hadn’t met a nice, available man in a long time, and she was feeling horny as hell. Obviously this guy wasn’t offering a long-term relationship, but strictly sex–which was exactly what she wanted. She called and left a short message, confirming Phil’s belief that it’s best to ask for all you want all of the time.

When Phil returned her call, Sabrina immediately fell in love with his voice and the thoughts behind his words: He was smart and articulate, her favorite type of man. What’s more, he didn’t disappoint the sexual adventurer in her. During their second phone call, he popped the question–of having telephone sex. Without hesitation she slipped into a fantasy lovemaking session with him–supposedly on the long and very slow late-night bus ride from Watsonville to Santa Cruz. After this exciting and intimate trip, they both wanted more. But, suddenly, the prospect of meeting in the flesh scared Sabrina. What if there was no physical attraction whatsoever between them? Or, worse yet, if only one of them was attracted?

Dark Passions

PHIL SUGGESTED a saucy solution to their dilemma: since they both liked playing mental games, why not play a forbidden one? He proposed they meet in the dark, do it in the dark, and then part in the dark. In other words, the ultimate blind date. Feeling wicked and brave, Sabrina accepted his weirdly intriguing offer. Her friends were appalled. “Suppose he has a horrible disease or is dangerous?” they warned. But Sabrina decided to trust her gut feeling: this would be a terrific experience and Phil would be a safe partner.

They laid their plans meticulously, choosing the night of the new moon for their twisted tryst. She would turn her car lights off as she pulled up into his drive, then put a hood over her head, so he wouldn’t be able see her face as she entered his house. Driving across town to his home that night, Sabrina felt incredibly aroused. As she knocked on his door, she felt “very bold, a word we both used about each other.”

The door opened. Sabrina couldn’t see Phil’s face or coloring, but she could see his slight build and height. She realized she’d never been with this shorter, skinnier body type before. She’d always had taller, bigger men. “Oh well,” she thought, “I’ll look in his eyes to see if he’s somebody I could find attractive.”

But her search for some sort of visual clue was interrupted. Almost immediately, he led her into his pitch-black bedroom, backed her onto his bed, and pulled her panties down. She left her boots on, “which was especially absurd, since his house has a strict no-shoes policy,” she laughs. More absurd was that suddenly she was making passionate love for an hour with someone she didn’t know and couldn’t see.

She admits that “one time I got a little afraid–when it got to be really rough and I had a flash that maybe I was wrong about this guy–but he sensed it immediately and eased up.” After Phil and Sabrina had boldly come where few others have gone before, she got up, her boots still on, and dressed. He took her to the door and she disappeared into the night, leaving them both to relish what they’d just done. She called him when she arrived home.

“We were excited and both agreed to do it again,” remembers Sabrina, reliving the thrill of it all.

This time, he told her he’d leave the door open and wait in bed. Although unsure of the layout of the house, she agreed. As she opened the door and stepped inside, a hand reached out and pulled her down to the ground “like a lion flooring an antelope,” Sabrina says. “This brought the excitement level up a lot and we made love right there on the living-room floor, then in his bedroom. It was during the day, so he’d taped blankets and thick bathroom towels against the windows to block out the light completely.”

Other than his body size, Sabrina couldn’t make out anything, except gradations of gray, charcoal, and a lot of black dark, although she admits she caught herself straining to see him.

Shedding Light

OVER THE FOLLOWING WEEKS, they did it twice more and she “never knew if he was the man at the bus-stop, in the checkout line, or sitting in the same restaurant.” But by the fourth occasion, both felt it was time to shed some light on their relationship. Although they were afraid that they might lose their mutual attraction–and with it some great sex and fantastic fun–they agreed ahead of their date-in-the-dark that the lights would come on post coitus.

So, after making fantastic love one more time, they turned on the lights, very slowly. A candle at first, but it wasn’t enough. Finally, sitting on opposite sides of the room under the glare of incandescent lights, they saw each other for the first time.

It was an illuminating moment. Sabrina remembers how “strange it felt. I was curious to see him. His was a face I would never have stopped to look at. As I sat there digesting all this, he said, ‘So what’s it like to be with someone who’s not your type?’ ”

It was a painful question for both of them, as they felt the flame of passion suddenly sputter and fizzle out under the vicious scrutiny of their visual honesty. Sabrina’s heart “was physically hurting, because although I liked his voice, his mind, and having sex, a rejection was happening within me.

“I questioned that reaction because I thought it was really shallow of me to feel this way. But it wasn’t a conscious visual screening, but a deeper voice within me saying no. I might have been willing to try to get beyond the visual, but there were other things not right about the connection,” she admits.

Phil also felt guilty about his negative judgment of Sabrina. “It was shallow,” he confesses. “I have these visual templates in my head, so that when I meet a woman I’ll secretly say, ‘Cellulite! Hmmm. Not a fit subject.’ That won’t stop me from having a relationship with that woman, but it won’t be a physical one.”

Phil had to struggle with the fact that he’d “already been attracted to this woman, and had great sex with her. I fell for her sluttiness, her sense of adventure, and her boldness, but once I saw her, I wasn’t attracted anymore.”

They went to bed a few more times in the dark, but when they tried to make love in the light, the spark wasn’t there, and that was the last time they did it. Phil found the episode left him questioning “the importance of visual information: Is it a guardian at the gate, or do visual screens keep out wonderful potential lovers–and others?” But though the door to Phil closed, more exotic ones opened. Says Sabrina, “Since then, my life has absolutely been about that. I took a female lover, who’s been married happily for 10 years. The relationship became a love triangle with my lover’s husband involved as an extra pair of hands and lips. Using the personals opened me up for more adventures.”

From the February 5-11, 1998 issue of the Sonoma County Independent.

© Metro Publishing Inc.