Out of Body

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01.16.08

F or the past eight years, I’ve worn one of those over-the-shoulder messenger bags almost everywhere I go. When I first put it on, I felt strangely more in command; on the occasions when I lose it, it’s as if a part of myself is missing, and I feel panicked.

I used to think that my attachment to the messenger bag was purely functional, like needing to be in possession of a set of keys—or at its worst, a childish security-blanket impulse. But as the years accumulate and the bag remains on my back, my brain increasingly treats it as an actual extension of my body. I’ve grown so accustomed to its presence that, even when I’m not wearing it, I compensate for the extra space it normally takes up when I walk through doorways or navigate my way around a crowd of people.

Turns out, there’s a scientific explanation for this. In Sandra and Matthew Blakeslee’s latest book, The Body Has a Mind of Its Own: How Body Maps in Your Brain Help You Do (Almost) Everything Better (Random House; $24.95), the mother-and-son team illustrate how highly detailed areas of our brain not only correspond to different areas within our physical body, they can actually include areas outside of the body. With a malleable sense of personal space, the body maps in our brain can adjust to incorporate our clothes, our writing utensils and, yes, even our messenger bags.

Thus, when we play video games, our body maps extend to the game controller and the images on the screen; when we hit a baseball, our body maps extend to the tip of the bat; when we have sex, our body maps extend to envelop our partner.

This has huge implications for science’s understanding of the mind-body connection, but luckily for the average reader, the Blakeslees break it down in a basic and understandable way. “There are books that are just for science junkies,” admits Sandra Blakeslee by phone from her New Mexico home. “But we thought, right from the get-go, ‘Well, everybody has a body and everybody has a brain, and it’s kind of a mystery to them as to how the body and the brain communicate.’ But it’s not a mystery. There’s all this new neuroscience that we wanted to make available to people.”

Indeed, neuroscience is booming. In 2000, Blakeslee, a New York Times science writer of 40 years, attended a meeting in Los Angeles where she was introduced to Alessandro Farnè, an Italian scientist. Farnè’s demonstration suggested that what we refer to as “personal space”—the surrounding area of our body that we generally do not want invaded—actually occupies real estate in the brain’s parietal lobe. “Every point in that space is mapped in your brain,” Blakeslee explains. “That space is part of you. You own it. And when people say, ‘You’re in my space,’ it isn’t a metaphor, it’s true.”

What about the musician who plays the guitar so naturally that it seems like a third arm? Or the soccer mom who drives an SUV as if it’s an extension of her body? Or the amputee who still feels the phantom pain of a long-gone limb? Quoting recent breakthrough studies, Blakeslee asserts that in an area in these people’s brains, the object is literally morphed into the brain’s body map as a part of the physical self.

One of the book’s most hands-on chapters deals with weight loss; more precisely, it confronts the battle between the body image (how we see ourselves) and the body schema (the actual physical properties of our person). Often, people who have lost weight will still “feel” fat, because their body maps remain attuned to a larger body. Getting the brain back in tune with the body is a scientifically proven way to keep weight off, Blakeslee says. “People who are overweight are not in touch with their bodies. They’re actually almost in a paralytic state with their body. They don’t see their body very clearly in a mirror, and they don’t feel their bodies.”

Using celebrities as examples, the Blakeslees outline how strengthening the body schema can successfully overcome a dysfunctional body image (Oprah Winfrey’s vastly touted weight-loss victory) or capitulate to insecurity (the horror that is Michael Jackson). The authors illustrate how body-map defects are a cause for the highest-paid player in baseball, Alex Rodriguez, to lead major-league third-basemen in errors in 2006; how the golfer’s plague of the “yips” caused Ben Hogan to choke on the 17th green of the 1956 U.S. Open; and why Fred Astaire dancing with his shadow isn’t such a stretch, since shadows, as annexations of our physical self, register on our body maps as well.

Constantly examining body maps while going about everyday life could very well drive the average person crazy, but for those with highly attuned body maps in certain areas—pianists in the fingers, tennis players in the limbs—the Blakeslees make a startling case for motor imagery. In developed talents, the mere act of imagining the body performing certain tasks has been proven to strengthen muscles and increase performance. No wonder Kobe Bryant takes time at the foul line to imagine the ball going through the hoop.

The Body Has a Mind of Its Own covers some serious ground, particularly in the final chapter regarding the insula, a part of the brain that up until recently had been thought of as an unimportant flab—sort of a cerebral appendix. “It turns out to be considered an extremely advanced part of the brain now,” says Blakeslee, citing the insula as a body-mapping mechanism of internal senses, an awesome translator of felt body state into social emotions. Problems regarding schizophrenia, chronic pain and addiction lie in the right frontal insula, Blakeslee says, and the area is just now being explored as a center for the power of belief.

Blakeslee admits surprise at learning that specific areas of the brain can trigger phenomena that she had previously written off as “whoo-whoo” nonsense—out-of-body experiences, for example. In Belgium last year, an electrode treatment suggested that an out-of-body experience can be traced to a part of the brain known as the temporoparietal junction. And though science can’t yet address things like astral planes or healing touch, recent studies tilt toward the idea that where New Age mysticism and science had once been at odds, they may soon join up and hold hands.

Will we ever fully understand the human brain? Blakeslee laughs at the question. “I think, as in all science, every time you make some wonderful new discovery, it opens up another dozen questions. That’s the way science works. You answer things, and then you have more questions. So, fully understanding the brain? It’s so complicated. It’ll take a very long time.”


Basket Case

01.16.08

A t age 43, the editor of the French Elle, Jean-Dominique Bauby, was felled by “a cerebro-vascular accident.” It left him lucid but locked inside his paralyzed body. Julian Schnabel’s The Diving Bell and the Butterfly takes the inside angle on Bauby’s story. But mostly what the much-lauded film does is show us imprisonment from the prisoner’s view. Thus, we end up longing for what all prisoners long for: escape.

In voiceover, Bauby, played by Mathieu Amalric, mutters responses to his physicians when they say inanities like “I’m afraid it’s just one of those things.” There is a consolation prize, though, in the beautiful, passionate speech therapist named Henriette (Marie-Josée Croze), who coaxes “speech” out of Bauby’s one remaining muscle, the lid of his right eye. “This is the most important job I’ve ever had,” she says. (Michael Moore must be right about the French medical system.) Holding up a chart with the alphabet on it, the nurse allows the silent patient to speak one letter at a time.

The story of a man blinking out his memoir sounds spiritual, but it’s also about the tremendous power of ego. I think it’s the egotistical quality that made a director like Schnabel try it out. As a fine artist, Schnabel has an eye for the shiny stiffness of a formal Victorian gown or a sea breeze flittering a thin skirt around a brown thigh. But the voiceovers from Bauby’s book aren’t urgently written as you’d imagine from a book semaphored by an eyelid.

The fantasy sequences and flashbacks give us relief from the tight close-up of Amalric’s one lolling eye and one twisted mute lip. And unlike Christy Brown, who was a slum kid who trained his palsied left foot to write, Jean-Do was a famous man when he had his stroke. A magazine editor, his memories are fashion-magazine-worthy. The ordinariness of the ideas are right in the title: Bauby’s submerged shell and the flittering butterfly, his soul.

Catholicism sets in when the devout Henriette, moved to anger and tears when Bauby blinks out the message “I WANT DEATH,” hauls him to church and communion, leading to an ambiguous flashback (the film’s finest moment) of Jean-Do touring the Catholic tourist trap Lourdes. Bauby must have done something right by the Virgin Mary. He’s surrounded by devoted women who chant letters endlessly to encourage his self-expression. Onscreen we see reveries: a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, an iceberg calving its ice, Marlon Brando in his guru makeup from Candy.

And the point? Those who endure life-threatening illnesses will wish they’d been nicer to their wives and kids. (Or live-in lover, in this case.) Emmanuelle Seigner plays the lady who mothered Jean-Do’s three children and who was left for a mistress. Seigner’s I-was-just-rogered-five-minutes-ago look is, as always, enrapturing, and Max Von Sydow’s small part as Bauby’s father has fierce dignity and affection.

Otherwise, this movie is a hymn to convalescence. In this, his third story in a row of a moribund artist, Schnabel persists in a sequence of druggie images, exploring not depths but shallows.

‘The Diving Bell and the Butterfly’ screens at the Smith Rafael Film Center (1118 Fourth St., San Rafael; 415.454.1222) and the Rialto Cinemas Lakeside (551 Summerfield Road, Santa Rosa; 707.525.4840).


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Letters to the Editor

01.16.08

The American WAy

Having just acquired Guitar Hero III for my son (I’ve yet to play it) and being a local musician for over 30 years, I read with interest the article that portrayed poor musicians not getting their piece of the pie (“Gaming Ghetto,” Jan. 2).

I was actually feeling guilty for buying the game until the next day when my issue of Guitar Player magazine arrived in the mail. It had a similar story, yet this article quoted, by name, musician after musician who raved about how fun and rewarding it was for them to have worked on the game. The jobs the musicians took were no different from mowing a lawn. You do this work, you get this much money. It’s your choice to take it or leave it. That’s kinda the way it works here in America, or is that the inequity the writer was really trying to point out?

When do you think the last time Chevron gave money to their mini-mart employees for the “banner” year they had? I also don’t recall Jimmy Page or Glen Campbell crying sour grapes when the Monkees or Billy Joe Royal had a million-selling hit using their guitar tracks in the ’60s. If the writer really wants to help out starving musicians, then take on the RIAA and folks like Clear Channel who are really screwing the artists. You think it was tough getting musicians to talk bad about Guitar Hero, wait till you try to get anyone with (or hoping to have) a recording contract to talk on record about that.

I think it’s time to plug in the game.

J. M. Berry

Sonoma

In yer head

Re “Gaming Ghetto,” I’m having difficulty having sympathy for a group that can’t even figure out what their time is actually worth. “Sweatshop” implies slave labor, which is not the case here as these musicians were free to do the work or not. Nice effort creating a problem where there is none.

The workers got the pay they negotiated for. Not the pay offered to overseas musicians who don’t exist. Should companies work toward zero profit, dividing up all the money made off of projects to their employees? If a black van kidnaps musicians for forced labor, then I’ll lend an ear. Until then you might want to focus on reality instead of the high-tech “sweatshops” that exist only in your head.

David Dorcich

Sunnyvale

Just Glad to Have a Bloody Job

In “Gaming Ghetto,” you forgot one very important issue regarding the “sweatshop” laborers: supply and demand.

Not only are we as creative types pressured from overseas competition, but also right here at home. “Media Arts” schools like Expression and Full Sail are churning out far more entry-level media arts grads than ever before. Are there real jobs for all these grads? Of course not.

So for the few of us lucky enough to actually have a job in the video-game profession, you’d better bet your ass that I’m not jeopardizing my job. Considering that there are probably a thousand qualified artists ready to take my job if I leave, the idea of asking for better pay, fewer hours (60-plus per week) or royalties (ha ha ha!) is pretty absurd.

A Musical Sweatshop Worker

San Francisco

Green Zoned

While the efforts to bring green awareness to the North Bay are highly commended, it would be nice to have satisfaction in personal efforts to follow up on the information given (Green Zone, “Green Housekeeping,” Jan. 2). It could be my lack of computer illiteracy, Luddite that I pretend to be, yet I could not access www.recyclenow.org through either google or yahoo. I have also discovered that the www.sonomacompost.com site only accepts organic compost. While I try to buy organic as much as I can afford, not all foodstuffs are available or affordable in organic form. I also wonder how the company itself validates the organicness of its received garbage. Is their a certification program for used vegetables?

Mykal Funguy

Santa Rosa

Ikes! Editing Error Alert! We apologize. Recyclenow is a dot-com, not a dot-org.

Regarding the organic purity of one’s compostable trash, we just say thanks Mister Mushroom. Gianna de Persiis Vona is looking into that for an upcoming Green Zone column.


Health Screening

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01.16.08

I n his book The Assault on Reason, former vice president Al Gore grimly cites a study that found Americans watch four-and-a-half hours of television a day. Who can blame us, really?

As deservedly a bad rap as television gets, TV shows and cinema are currently in the midst of a renaissance. Led by HBO, whose Rome, Deadwood and The Sopranos all boasted extraordinary writing, acting and production values, we’ve seen an incredible jump in the quality of entertainment. Even My Name Is Earl, that good old-fashioned white-trash comedy on NBC, is miles beyond the jaded sleaze of ’80s television shows like Married with Children.

Similarly, this is the first year in quite awhile I’ve been excited enough about the fall movie lineup to compromise my gas fund and shell out for the big screen. No Country for Old Men, as any critic with a pulse will tell you, is some kind of cinematic miracle: Javier Bardem’s scarifying Angel of Death drifting through a desolate Freudian landscape of compromised morals and dying American dreams. Viggo Mortenson’s nude fight in Eastern Promises not only thrilled but broke new ground in the censorship of the male body.

And Viggo, Tommy Lee Jones, Johnny Depp and Sean Penn were but a few familiar faces who reached career pinnacles in performance and direction, each and every one of them taking us to places we’ve never seen before in their all-singing, ass-kicking, abandoned-bus-living, quietly devastated incarnations. The year 2007 will be remembered for exceptionally intelligent creativity in the visual mediums.

Of course, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It’s a shame that the quality of filmed entertainment had to peak at exactly the moment when we need to kill our televisions the most.

Any reasonably cognitive being would agree that we spend too much time sitting on our asses, staring at one screen or another. If the average American spends nearly five hours watching television on her own time, how much work time does she spend hunched over the keyboard staring into the siren glow? In my case, it’s eight hours of continuous e-mail monitoring. When I go home, my mad impulse toward writing sits me down for another two hours at the laptop, followed by two hours of movie time if I want to unwind with my boyfriend. On weekends, like many Americans, I go to the movies.

Our brains aren’t the only part of our bodies under assault from the flat screen. A quick Net search reveals an even bigger problem than pants size. Go to WebMD, type in “television” and sit back as the fate of the next generation is revealed. Studies the world over are linking ADHD and aggressive behavior in young children to early exposure to television. In November, it was reported that millions of children deprived of proper exercise and sunlight by their tube-time are developing weak bones, setting up a very probable time-bomb of osteoporosis and even rickets in future generations.

Adults aren’t safe, either. Without vitamin D, bones can’t absorb the needed levels of calcium. This makes them softer and can result in back or other structural problems. Something similar recently happened to me.

Though I’ve (mistakenly) considered myself less of a TV watcher than the average junkie, I began having back pains this year. When I went to the doctor, he told me I have mild but widespread arthritis. As I am only 27, I was shocked that this was even possible, but the doc smiled and told me casually that a large percentage of people my age are afflicted with the same. “It’s all the sitting you guys do,” he said. I protested, “I take walks all the time! I swear!”

Bad backs, obesity, hyperactive, aggressive children with rickets—obviously, there’s something wrong with us.

There’s an even bigger problem when considering how much work time is spent at the computer. Screen time is inescapable. It has become the center of civilized life. Thom Yorke of Radiohead once compared the modern person to “a pig in a cage on antibiotics.” That’s sounding milder every day.

Writers strike or not, filmed entertainment isn’t going away. As video slowly takes over the web, it won’t be long before computers are the viewing instrument of choice, providing a drug of choice in the blink of an eye. There will always be something cool to watch. But is it worth our bodies? This is a question we’re all going to have to answer. In 2008, I personally plan to unplug the evil box completely and see if my head explodes.

The entertainment renaissance was nice. Now it’s time to see if we can tell our own stories.


What Is Hip?

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01.16.08

M y friend and I used to play a time-killing game on the subway called the Deal Breaker. The setup was that you meet a man or woman who is perfect except for one very horrid thing. Is that horrid thing a deal breaker?

The game can go on for hours, and its most delightful aspect is the shallowness of the deal breakers. A fondness for scat play, being Matt Damon’s twin brother and refusing to eat onions in any form have all been hypothetical deal breakers.

I’ve played this game with multiple people, and one sure-fire deal breaker is a passionate devotion to Celine Dion. (In this instance, “devotion” is defined as being strong enough to merit multiple trips to Las Vegas to see her show, proudly displaying autographed Dion glossies or ownership of all scents in her signature line of perfume.)

But why is Celine Dion so awful as to negate even possible pretend relationships in the course of the Deal Breaker game? Who of us even knows what she sounds like? I, for one, can name only one Celine Dion song off the top of my head—you know, that one from Titanic . That’s it.

This snap judgment of taste is what prompted Carl Wilson to plumb the depths of Celine Dionity in his new book for Continuum’s 33 1/3 series, Let’s Talk About Love: A Journey to the End of Taste ($10.95). Each slender paperback in the 33 1/3 series features a literate music lover penning an entire book on a single life-changing album—mostly albums that would not seem out of place on Rolling Stone’s “Top 100 Albums of All Time” list.

Wilson, a critic and editor for Canada’s national newspaper, The Globe and Mail , departs from the rapturous tones of his 33 1/3 colleagues by examining not why he loves Dion, but rather focusing on the idea that cool people hate Celine Dion because they are supposed to. The image-conscious have been conditioned to reject her.

The hypothesis forces us to consider what “cool” is in the first place. A satisfactory definition is elusive, because coolness itself is vaporous and shifting. One does not attain coolness from trying to be cool, as most of us painfully discovered sometime between sixth grade and our junior year of high school. Coolness just happens, which is why it’s so easy to sniff out bullshit cool.

I know I’ve used Dion as a generic example of lameness in these very pages; she’s an excellent go-to when listing indicators of ill-tuned cultural radars. I’ve shoved her into a category along with Jack Johnson and Josh Grobin: theirs is music for people who don’t like music, those whose intellect or emotional response to sound is underdeveloped or who simply don’t know any better.

Just why some very middlebrow things are acceptable in the realm of coolness—wearing a wardrobe comprising primarily jeans and T-shirts, a fondness for the coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts, buying half of your groceries at Trader Joe’s—and why others are not is baffling. To be honest, I think about this kind of stuff all the time. When is it OK to make fun of stuff that’s lame, and what makes it lame? How much of music criticism is pure bias, and how much is careful consideration?

But the job of a music critic is not to state if music is cool but to put its artistic merit in a larger context, to assess its importance in the grand scheme of culture.

To her credit, Dion has never tried to be cool. And not being cool hasn’t hurt her popularity; she’s sold at least 200 million albums worldwide. That Celine Dion is important as an entertainer is indisputable; you can’t argue with 200 million albums. And even though Dion is not cool in the eyes of the cool, odds are that at least one of her albums has changed someone’s life the way Ramonesmania changed mine.

I still don’t like what I know of Dion’s music and probably never will. But Wilson’s efforts to examine the rote critical assumption that Celine Dion’s music blows ass digs up all kinds of fascinating issues about the nature of taste and the hierarchy of pop culture. The idea that one needs a hall pass, so to speak, to admit liking an artist like Dion is past its prime. It doesn’t pay to be a snob. That’s a deal breaker .


Boss Fire

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01.09.08

C over discs are everywhere. Last year saw tributes to John Lennon and Joni Mitchell, plus the sweeping all-star soundtrack to the Bob Dylan biopic I’m Not There . Patti Smith, Freedy Johnston, Bryan Ferry and countless others recorded cover discs in 2007. We heard serious novelties like Hayseed Dixie’s bluegrass versions of popular metal, and the Easy Star All-Stars’ reggae remakes of entire classic prog-rock albums.

The tide of cover discs is already lapping into 2008; due in February is Mockingbird , a salute to female songwriters by alt-country singer Alison Moorer.

While drafting random best-of-2007 notes, I imagined a fantasy pair of swapped covers. Notorious newcomer Amy Winehouse’s Grammy-nominated “Rehab,” with its nouveau-soul party-girl impudence, is a perfect foil to the dry alcoholic regret of “Choices” from veteran R&B shouter Bettye LaVette’s comeback disc, Scene of the Crime . If they took turns with each other’s song—Winehouse covering “Choices” as if fast-forwarding to the collapse suggested by her own work; LaVette covering “Rehab” as if to retrace angles on her tales of survival—the shared results would be commanding.

Covering a contemporary’s work in the same year isn’t a bad idea. In rock’s earlier days, before dueling post-punk notions of irony and authenticity affected the cover-song tradition, acts often covered current hits for reasons both commercial and artistic.

In pop’s present climate of open diversity, it’s easy to imagine alt-rock waif Feist swapping her lilting hit “1 2 3 4” with young R&B singer Rihanna, who would give Feist her catchy dance-pop hit “Umbrella.” Country babe Miranda Lambert could trade views with stadium rockers Nickelback, treating them to the earthiness of her hit “Famous in a Small Town” while she romped over their boastful hit “Rockstar.”

It’s fact not fantasy that last year both the Foo Fighters and Bruce Springsteen covered the same song by a contemporary. Both heavyweights delivered live versions (see ’em on YouTube, of course) of indie sensation the Arcade Fire’s terrific “Keep the Car Running” from their 2007 disc Neon Bible . Springsteen was even joined by the Arcade Fire for his cover, who at the same show assisted on his stark ’80s tune “State Trooper.” There’s also an early video of the Arcaders covering Bruce’s “Dancing in the Dark.”

If it’s feasible to imagine artists swapping hits, and if Bruce and the Arcade Fire have a proven fondness for each other’s songs, then I suggest the ultimate cover swap for recent rock: Bruce covers Neon Bible in its entirety, and the Arcade Fire record a whole new version of his 2007 album Magic .

Why not? These are committed artists who share more than hits. The link between the young Canadians and the Jersey titan has been well noted; both make weighty yet uplifting music with big keyboard-based rock collectives, and as writers, Bruce and Arcade leader Win Butler are driven by themes of religious and social displacement. On these discs, they both repeat imagery in which they’re struggling to orient themselves in post-apocalyptic dreams.

When the Arcaders tackle Magic , they’ll take the aching rocker “Radio Nowhere” and the ruminative title track straight on, and Butler’s paranoia will explode Bruce lyrics like “Leave everything you know / And carry only what you fear.” They’ll give lighter pop fare like “Livin’ in the Future” some murky quirks, but will be right at home with its theme of postwar dread.

In turn, Bruce will make some of his Neon Bible covers sound more normal, rocking the communal synth-pop anthem “No Cars Go,” giving a folk-blues base to the ambient “Ocean of Noise.” But the gravity of “Intervention” and “Windowsill” are ready-made for his sense of deliberate significance, and he’ll relish Butler lyrics like “Every spark of friendship and love / Will die without a home.” Most of all, the Boss will love covering “Black Wave / Bad Vibrations,” as it lifts his lyric “We’ll make it if we run” from “Thunder Road.”

Or maybe these guys should just leave cover discs for the rest of the pack, and make a new album together instead.


The Big One

01.09.08


You’re rot, you’re scum, you’re toe cheese!”Those are not just pretty words. For popular right-wing television pundit Bill Humphrey, the attention-seeking central figure in Robert Reich’s outrageous political satire Public Exposure—enjoying its West Coast premiere at the Sixth Street Playhouse’s new Studio Theater—these insults are among his favorite slogans, mantras that he gleefully employs as a bludgeon to shut down befuddled liberal guests on a highly rated live TV show called The Naked Truth. His other favorite slogan is “We expose—you watch,” which, by the end of the first act, turns out to be hilariously literal.

Played with a manic, self-deprecating hubris by Dodds Delzell, Humphrey is a pompous buffoon and a narcissistic exhibitionist who is nonetheless insanely popular and entertaining. There is also a bit of wounded man-child about him, making him somehow likable even when he’s accusing philanthropic little old ladies of supporting prostitution, drugs and social anarchy by making sandwiches for destitute women.

When Humphrey is persuaded by his ex-wife, the gay-bashing on-air “political analyst” Irma Sunquist (Sheri Lee Miller), to run for president, he initially worries that, as an entertainer who only pretends to be a moral compass on TV, he doesn’t really know anything about politics. But soon convinced that people only elect candidates they can identify with, Humphrey warms to the idea of being the leader of the free world, even as he worries about what he’ll do the first time he must appear in public before a live audience.

Humphrey, you see, has a secret hobby: unbeknownst to Irma, he is a compulsive flasher. Just dim enough not to recognize that exposing himself to strangers runs counter to his stance as a holier-than-thou moral authority, Humphrey’s deepest shame and insecurity comes from the fact that when naked he, um, swings slightly to the left. In other words, he is directionally challenged, or, as is bluntly stated, he has a crooked dick. Enter Dr. Ray Langwell (Tim Kniffin), a smooth, openly avaricious plastic surgeon whom Humphrey consults in an attempt to have his thingamajig straightened out.

I’m not making this up.

The big fun in this broadly inventive play, directed by Argo Thompson with expert comic pacing and a detailed eye for visual comedy, comes after Dr. Langwell has successfully treated Humphrey, to the queasy dismay of his shapely Christian wife and post-surgical display model Sandy (Heather Gordon), who in turn leaves the good doctor for Irma (evidently only homophobic when the cameras are on). Humphrey, no longer ashamed of his penis, concludes his first campaign appearance by proudly dropping trou on national television. As an appalled Irma tells him, “Everyone knows politics is full of pricks, but you had to put yours on display!” Adds Sandy, “He’s a pervert! This is not what I expected from politics!”

Lest I reveal too much (that’s Delzell’s job), I’ll stop here. All of this, of course, is just the set-up for Reich’s true agenda, the skewering of the entire American election process and the way it has slipped into an embarrassing morass of crass deception and media manipulation, fueled less by political ideas and debate than by shallow, substance-free one-upmanship.

Reich, a pioneering economist who served as Secretary of Labor under Bill Clinton, has a clear understanding of the lingo and moral backflips common in modern-day politics, and he knows how to get a laugh by skewering the right and the left. Witness the hilarious debate between Humphrey and his Democratic opponent Gov. Louise Hutton, who answers tough questions by spouting gobbledygook (“Trapp schlap burckle, whop schlopp baharr”).

The satire on display in Public Exposure, while endlessly entertaining, is not particularly deep, related more to the Mel Brooksian everything-on-the-surface humor of a Young Frankenstein or The Producers than to the perceptively probing, beneath-the-skin satire of [Marker]Bullworth, Dr. Strangelove or Wag the Dog . That said, the one-liners are pitch-perfect, the laughs are huge and the excellent cast—including Cheryl Itamura as Humphrey’s slightly bored TV crew leader—tackle the edgy material with energy, invention and guts.

Like the poor, clueless Bill Humphrey, this show risks a lot, but hangs spectacularly.

‘Public Exposure’ runs Friday&–Sunday through Jan. 26 at the Sixth Street Playhouse Studio Theater. Friday&–Saturday at 8pm; Sunday at 2pm. 52 W. Sixth St., Santa Rosa. $12&–$18. .707.523.4185.


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Wine Tasting Room of the Week

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I t’s a strange train that passengers are not allowed to disembark from when at the end of the line, but the Napa Valley Wine Train is a big hit with visitors who don’t mind paying $50 and up for round-trip tickets. People who must question everything sometimes ask, “Where is Sonoma County’s wine train?” Folks, I’ve found it. It’s got great wine, romance, and it’s easy to flip this train because it never leaves the station.

Billed as “West County’s smallest tasting room,” the redecorated Southern Pacific Rail caboose at Sebastopol’s Gravenstein Station is operated by a couple of young globe-trotting harvest hoboes who caught wine fever like an express train and held on tight. Dylan and Tobe Sheldon worked in New Zealand together, got hitched right after harvest and studied Rhone wines in Gigondas. Back home, they sold their cars to make their first bare-bones vintage. For want of a crusher, they stomped grapes by foot, and slept on the floor of an empty winery. Little wonder their motto is “Alive, awake, free . . . most likely delusional.” Of course, they have day jobs—actually, night jobs—in the restaurant business.

Sheldon’s 2005 Sleepy Hollow Chardonnay ($30) is unfiltered—borrowing from biodynamics, they rack wine on the new moon—and has a slight, honeyed viscosity, though it is dry with subtle notes of sweet cream butter. It’s one to linger over, with maybe a plate of sliced pear and a mild, nutty cheese like Bellwether Farms Carmody. Sheldon’s signature wine, 2004 “Vinolocity” Vogelzang Vineyard ($30), is a blend of Grenache and Syrah, with bright, mouth-filling jellied red fruit and white pepper. Vinolocity is a term the couple coined to describe the positive displacement of a volume of wine. (Example: If a two-ounce pour of 2005 Sonoma Coast Pinot Noir leaves the glass at Gravenstein Station at 3:45pm and is fully displaced by air at 3:50pm, what is its vinolocity?)

The 2004 Ripken Vineyard Petite Sirah ($32) must have a high v’locity rate, because only a few cases remain of this toothsome black cherry-scented bevvie. Peckish folks can find the dining car right across the platform at the Starlight Wine Bar; sleepy folks can get jazzed at Coffee Catz. Sheldon is on a remote spur of the Russian River Wine Road, but they’ll be included in this year’s Winter Wineland, Jan. 19–20. This little caboose runs on good luck and good vibes, making it a great place to start off a New Year of sipping and swirling.

Sheldon Wines, 6761 Sebastopol Ave. #500, Sebastopol. Open Thursday–Sunday, noon to 4pm. Tastings, free. 707.829.8100. To learn more about the 16th annual Winter Wineland, go to www.wineroad.com.



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Mycroremedia What?

0

01.09.08


You are what you eat—unless you’re an oyster mushroom.

In that case, you can indulge in some of the most toxic, noxious petroleum products available and turn them into delicious, photogenic morsels that go wonderfully in white wine cream sauces and Japanese stir-fries with not a carcinogen remaining. Called mycoremediation, this impressive skill of the oyster mushroom has gained substantial press in the wake of the Nov. 7 Cosco Busan oil spill in the San Francisco Bay, and many environmental activists believe that, if pursued by biotechnology developers, mycoremediation could completely rewrite how to handle the aftermath of future spills.

Mycologists have been speculating for years on the possibility of someday employing oyster mushrooms, Pleurotus ostreatus, in toxic-waste cleanup projects, and when the freighter Cosco Busan scraped the Bay Bridge and spilled 58,000 gallons of sludgy bunker fuel, mushroom biologists from Monterey to Seattle quickly mobilized. They partnered with the San Francisco nonprofit Matter of Trust, secured a small plot of federal land in the Presidio near the Golden Gate Bridge and proceeded to spearhead a historic experiment of oil-hungry mushrooms that has attracted nationwide media scrutiny.

“Nature has all the solutions. We just haven’t been paying attention,” says Matter of Trust executive director Lisa Gautier, who has been laboring tirelessly since the day of the spill, becoming somewhat of an authority on the arcane subjects of ship fuel and fungi in the process. “In nature, there really isn’t any waste. All materials get dealt with, and it’s just a matter of harnessing the technology.”

Harnessing the powers of oyster mushrooms is exactly what Gautier and a team of mycologists have done. Two months have passed since the oil spill, and there now grows a healthy colony of large and vigorous hand-sized oyster mushrooms at the Presidio project site. Scientists, who plan to run chemical analyses of the substrate beneath the mushrooms and the mushrooms themselves, expect to find few to no hydrocarbons or other trace elements common to petroleum products remaining.

The mushrooms are sprouting from eight experimental 5-by-5-foot cubicles partitioned from each other with bales of hay and rubber pond liners each filled with varying mixtures of straw, sawdust, grain, oil and oyster-mushroom mycelium, the vinous, underground rootlike matter that constitutes the greater mushroom organism. Two control blocks, which were not implanted with any mushroom spores, have shown no notable activity. The experiment demonstrates how simple it could be to implement a brand-new procedure for detoxifying contaminated soil and turning it into harmless compost.

The essence of mycoremediation occurs underground, amid the tangly mycelium. In their day-to-day life, mushrooms eat forest-floor plant matter, and in doing so they break down cellulose and lignin, which occur side by side in the cell walls of plants. This plant matter is composed of hydrogen and carbon, just like petroleum products, and for the oyster mushroom there is little difference on a microscopic level between eating wood and eating nasty, sticky bunker oil; it’s all just hydrogen and carbon. Once these atoms are isolated, the fungus reconfigures them into carbohydrates, familiar molecules which many of us either love or hate.

Meanwhile, fruits pop up above ground, and, assuming no heavy metals are present in the soil, the mushrooms are free of toxins. In time, the mushrooms themselves will be eaten or decay, nature will reabsorb them into the food chain, and any oil in the soil will be gone.

Humans, of course, mostly burn oil—but as concern over carbon emissions, air quality and climate change escalates, mycoremediation may begin to look more and more like the perfect alternative.

Securing oil from the water or beach and transporting it to a controlled environment was among the greater obstacles in the Presidio mycoremediation process, but mats made of human hair have served as a superbly effective material for conducting this task. A barber from Huntsville, Ala., named Phil McCrory conceived of this product with a bit of experimentation in the years following the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska.

Since 2002, McCrory’s garden-supply company Smart Grow has commercially marketed dense pads of human hair as commercial and household horticulture aids. The mats insulate soil, help retain groundwater, discourage weed growth and release essential nutrients into the soil, but in November these hair mats served for the first time ever in a large-scale oil-spill cleanup effort.

When the Cosco Busan busted its hull, Matter of Trust—which has worked with McCrory since the late 1990s—had several hundred hair mats on hand, ready for just such an occasion. With several hundred guerrilla volunteers, Lisa Gautier mopped up several thousand pounds of the black tar as it came ashore at Ocean Beach. Dressed in a HazMat suit, Gautier and others wrung the hair mats out into large dumpsters, reusing them multiple times before each was saturated and had to be finally disposed of. Gautier sent the oily refuse away with Unified Command, the government body overseeing the spill’s aftermath, intending to subsequently retrieve as much as she needed as fodder for her experimental brood of oyster mushrooms.

Mushroom Man

Gautier, meanwhile, made plans to launch the mushroom growing experiment. She has long opposed the standard government-assisted protocols of dumping or incinerating waste oil, and has concurrently admired the work of famed Washington state author, biologist and entrepreneur Paul Stamets, who has experimented with oil and oyster mushrooms in the past.

Stamets happened to be in town at the time of the spill for the annual Green Festival in San Francisco, and Gautier contacted him three days after the spill, by which time she and her volunteers had secured several thousand pounds of Cosco Busan fuel. Gautier explained the situation, and the two agreed to partner up, along with Stamets’ cohort David Sumerlin and the Mycological Society of San Francisco’s Ken Litchfield. Stamets called home and ordered an immediate shipment of several hundred blocks of oyster mushroom mycelium, and so the stage was set for history.

Of course, the mainstream media was there, too. With Stamets ready to be filmed, a KTVU cameraperson prepared him for taping, urging him to speak on topic.

“It’s a wonderful quirk of nature,” Stamets began, “that oyster mushrooms can break down diesel and many petroleum products, the reason being that oyster mushroom mycelium breaks down straw and wood, and wood and straw are composed, as most plants are, of long chains of carbon and hydrogen strung together to form cellulose and lignin. Well, when mycelium breaks down wood and straw, it cleaves the bonds between carbon and hydrogen, and those same carbon-hydrogen bonds are what hold hydrocarbons together—petroleum products. So the mycelium has already devised a way of breaking down those hydrogen-carbon bonds and in doing so breaks the hydrocarbons apart and remanufactures them into sugars, called carbohydrates.”

“I hate to do this to you,” the cameraman said. “We need to simplify this a lot, because it’s mainstream television.” ~

“I thought I did simplify it!” Stamets laughed. “I thought that was very simplified.”

He restated the above, using fewer terms from the periodic table and basic chemistry.

Gautier, standing by, suggested that he recite it still again—but without saying “mycelium.”

“Say ‘mushroom,'” she suggested.

“Yeah,” agreed the cameraman. “I don’t think everyone has a biology degree.”

“It’s really simple!” cried Stamets, exasperated to his wits’ end. Still, again, he described the experiment in painfully simplified terms. It was just what KTVU needed, and the cameraman packed his gear and departed.

Cleanup crews only collected about 19,000 gallons of oil, leaving some 39,000 gallons at large. Gautier says that the response could have and should have been much more successful. She insists that, had the Department of Fish and Game (DFG) accepted her immediate advances after the accident, when she was there on the double offering McCrory’s human hair mats, the cleanup effort could have secured nearly all the bunker fuel from the water’s surface, before it washed out to sea and before it soiled a hundred miles of Bay Area beaches.

“Not only are these hair mats a green method of cleaning up oil, unlike the polypropylene sponges they usually use, but they actually work better,” Gautier says. “There’s no reason not to use them, and if they’d accepted those hair mats and used them in the beginning, they would have had all that oil cleaned up.

“But the DFG has their own emergency-response system, which they stick to,” she says. “Anyway, they’re bombarded after every oil spill with green methods that don’t work at all, so they just said, ‘We’ll review your proposal and consider this,’ and went away.”

Hair-mat inventor McCrory agrees, insisting that his product—of which Smart Grow makes about 4 million each year—could have saved the bay. “If they had contained that oil spill and then put the hair mats down, that water would have been as clean as your dining room table.”

The DFG’s Yvonne Addassi, who regularly oversees statewide oil-spill cleanups, says that her agency declined to use the hair mats because similar products have in the past been treated with chemicals which, though they facilitate the adsorption of oil, can contaminate water.

“I wasn’t familiar with these new hair mats,” Addassi admits. “We thought they could pose their own risk of releasing these chemicals into the water.”

And so the great mass of freshly dumped Cosco Busan bunker oil traveled westward on the outgoing tide. It drifted past the bay’s islands and under the Golden Gate Bridge. It split into northward and southward regiments and began a steady assault on popular beaches, while bureaucrats in various buildings shuffled papers, straightened ties and attended meetings, wondering who should do what, where and when. Mainstream media would herald the weeks after the spill as a triumphant time of teamwork and charitable volunteers, but as is now known, most of the oil was not recovered. Dead and dying birds would wash ashore for weeks afterward.

Fuelhardy

As the finishing touches were made to the Presidio project site, authorities suddenly revoked their promise to hand over even as little as the 20-gallon sample of fuel which Gautier had collected herself, for the sludge had become potential evidence in the escalating criminal investigation of the incidents just prior to the oil spill.

“I really doubt they’re going to bring 18,000 gallons of oil into a courtroom,” Gautier charges. “They could spare 20 gallons for our experiment if they really wanted to help.”

Gautier, Ken Litchfield and others suspect that various parties have been reluctant to see Matter of Trust gain access to the oil, which is being held in an Alameda shipyard, because of its plans to test it for varying intensities of toxicity. The tests would be for scientific purposes—to see how efficiently oyster mushrooms can metabolize particular molecules—but it’s likely, says Gautier, that those responsible for the oil were afraid of legal complications that might arise should the mushroom folks discover a particularly toxic chemical or heavy metal in the Cosco Busan’s fuel.

“There are millions of dollars of damages at hand,” Gautier says, “and we were planning to analyze the oil more than anyone has analyzed it. If we came up with something that hadn’t already been seen, it would have opened a whole new can of worms for them.”

With no bunker fuel at the ready but with over 1,000 pounds of ravenous mycelium just dying for something poisonous to eat, the mushroom team went to Plan B: used motor oil, donated just before Thanksgiving, care of San Francisco’s Department of the Environment.

Brave New Biology

Today, the mushrooms are thriving, particularly in the experiment block containing a large addition of grain, and in hindsight, Gautier is perfectly content not to be using any of the Cosco Busan fuel anyway. It has been greatly diluted with seawater and is almost certainly not as potent as the fresh product, she says, and if the mushrooms could eat it, big deal; for the fungus to devour pure motor oil would actually be a weightier testament to the possibilities of mycoremediation. After all, the Environmental Protection Agency estimates that over 360 million gallons of motor oil drain into the sea every year. By contrast, large ship accidents spill just 37 million gallons of bunker fuel annually.

And according to the Smithsonian Institution, annual road runoff from a city of 5 million people equals approximately the amount of petroleum involved in some large oil spills, a stat that makes one wonder about a solution as simple as planting beds of oyster mushrooms along the shoulder of every highway in America to catch the toxic runoff.

Indeed, a prosperous future appears to be developing in the realm of hair mats and mycoremediation. Ken Litchfield, who owns and manages an organic farm in the East Bay hills, has high hopes for a world bettered by mushrooms. We are at the beginning of the biological century, he says. The world in the year 2100 will be as different from today as 2000 was from 1900. It was technology that drove the change in the last 100 years, but in this century, Litchfield says, biotechnology, much of it in the form of myco-technology, will change the face of civilization.

“We will not be living in the same world—assuming we make it through—that we’re living in now, biologically speaking.” [Marker]

He tells of innovative carpenters who have experimented with fungal architecture. These builders grow mycelium in broad flat beds, then kill the organism and dry it so that a thick “board” remains, serving as organic, fungal wall insulation. Even better, says Litchfield, mushrooms may also be used someday to extract heavy metals that contaminate our soil. Theoretically, the mycelium would pick up the atoms and channel the heavy metals upward to the surface, into the mushroom’s fruit.

Oil Over the Place

But is it science fiction or destiny? Without question, mycelium is running wild just under our feet, and many believe that, if only harnessed and controlled, fungi could help remedy the earth’s many problems of environmental contamination. In the Presidio, the alchemy of mushroom biology is at work, and the state-run Department of Toxic Substances Control is watching closely, tentatively interested in adopting mycoremediation technology into standard practice.

A global movement seems already to be underway. The Dec. 7 spill in the Yellow Sea, which discharged a reported 2.7 million gallons of oil just off the coast of South Korea and devastated the local fishing and aquaculture industries, is now being remedied by crews armed with Bay Area hair mats.

Cleanup crews addressing the Nov. 12 oil spill in the Black Sea, which poured a thousand tons of bunker fuel into the water, have also secured hair mats from Matter of Trust and Smart Grow to better mop up the sludge. And in Ecuador, where a 2001 pipeline break on the Toachi River dumped 10,000 barrels of crude oil and left a messy legacy festering on the banks, American volunteers have revived the long-dormant cleanup effort with hair mats in hand and a fresh sense of hope.

There are even stubborn remnants of the memorable 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill, reported at 11 million gallons, in Alaska’s Prince William Sound that still need attention.

“There’s a ton of it coming out of the ground,” says Riki Ott, a journalist and author with a Ph.D. in oil pollution. “It got buried subsurface and has been preserved.”

According to Ott, who has researched the biological and cultural effects of the Valdez spill extensively, only 5 percent of the spill was removed from the water. Ott also accuses Exxon of lying about the volume of the disaster, underestimating in order to lessen the intensity of the legal consequences. She believes 30 million gallons of oil may actually have entered the water, leaving a legacy guaranteed to linger for decades.

Among the most dangerous compounds in petroleum are polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs), and near Valdez, says Ott, those atoms are still “bio-available,” meaning that they may be ingested by organisms and dispersed into the food chain, eventually entering humans. She says that thousands of illnesses and maladies among locals in the Prince William Sound area can be attributed to PAHs, which may cause asthma, immune system failure, respiratory problems, reproductive disorders, vertigo, nausea and cancer.

But oyster mushrooms relish the dangerous molecules, and Ott hopes to channel some of Exxon’s settlement dollars from the spill—much of it yet to be paid—into hair mats and mycoremediation-development programs. Ott is also coordinating with environmentalists on the devastated West Coast of South Korea, but not without her simmering grievances against oil companies.

“I’m so disappointed that the oil industry continues to operate without a viable plan to clean up their messes, whether it’s in a tiny seaport in Alaska or in a big place like San Francisco or South Korea,” she says. “It’s inexcusable, and it shows a total lack of disrespect for everyone else on the planet.”

Ott expects the oil industry to try and block such progress in systemic change. The standard polypropylene oil pads are, in fact, a profitable business product for those invested in petroleum; countless pads are produced annually to aid in cleaning up some 2,500 annual oil spills.

“These people are profiting from their own messes, and they have closed eyes and ears to any suggestion of [cleaning up the oil] in some new way.”

Beauty of Greasy Hair

According to hair-mat inventor McCrory, synthetic mats hardly even work when compared to his seven-ounce, 10-inch-wide organic products, which are reputed to be able to soak up a quart of oil in less than two minutes. Squeezed and rung out like a wet towel, McCrory says that each mat can be used as many as 100 times, adding that the synthetic pads soak up a blend of approximately half oil, half water. Even less effective, he says, are “skimmers,” vessels that enter oil slicks and vacuum the pollutant off the surface at a 9-to-1 ratio of water to oil, fluid far too diluted with water to be recuperated, which usually gets discarded or burned.

Amidst so much oil and interest in hair mats, is there enough human hair in the world to support this new technology? Almost certainly. In the United States alone, some 320,000 hair salons produce an average of a pound of hair every day, most of which currently goes to landfill. McCrory’s hair mats are all produced at six locations in China and India, which also have ample hair resources, but Oakland’s East Bay Depot of Creative Reuse, an arts and crafts recycling nonprofit, is arranging—with the help of the tireless Gautier, of course—to purchase the required needle-punch machine, arrange a compact with Bay Area barbers and establish the first domestic hair-mat factory.

Change is in the air, and the vision shared by Stamets, McCrory, Ott, Gautier and so many other activists and mushroom fanatics seems to be materializing. The biotechnology of human hair and mushrooms is gaining support and could eventually replace antiquated, dirty methods of toxic-spill management.

“The oil-cleanup business is a hard revenue stream to break into, but there’s been such a positive response,” Gautier says. “I think this is really the kind of thing that the world can grab on to. We’re all familiar with hair, oil and fungus, and this is a cheap and effective and organic system. We’re proving that it works, and I think the San Francisco Bay Area, with all that’s going on now after the spill, is going to revolutionize oil-spill cleanup.”


Young MCs

0

01.09.08

W ith hip-hop music now approaching the age of 30, there’s no wonder that it’s ripe for an early midlife crisis. It’s stopped getting wasted at parties, it’s started its own profitable side businesses, it works hard to provide for its family members and it’s started to wonder if it’s cool anymore. But in place of the sports car and the toupee is hip-hop’s fresh blood. Enter the appropriately named Cool Kids from Illinois, who celebrate hip-hop’s carefree teenage years as a salve against its sagging, responsibility-laden adulthood.

It’s no guarantee that the Cool Kids, who perform at the Independent in San Francisco on Jan. 17, will be the next big thing. They dress too funny and sound too weird to break into a rigid mainstream market. But it is safe to say that after a yearlong trudge through a bog of mature, grownup and outright boring albums from hip-hop’s major artists, the Cool Kids are the ones most likely to reinstate carefree juvenilia as the sweet-tasting endorphin rush that hip-hop so dearly thirsts for right now.

Take the Cool Kids’ “Black Mags,” which accomplishes the thing that an instant-classic song should provide: it makes the listener feel immediately hipper upon impact. With a warbling, burbly bass line and a faraway, thinned-out drum kit coming from the darkest corner of a distant cave, it teases with restraint while lyrically exploring the details of tricking out one’s BMX bike. Two minutes into the song, we finally get the carrot-on-the-stick payoff: sixteenth notes on the hi-hat rush to the forefront as rappers Mikey Rocks and Chuck Inglish rhyme about hitting each other up on their pagers, matching their handlebar grips with their Nikes and getting the girl.

For all of their ’80s nostalgia, the Cool Kids have at least one innovation of the modern day to thank for their existence: they met on MySpace. Though they jokingly describe themselves as the “black version of the Beastie Boys,” the group isn’t necessarily recycling the exact sound of the ’80s (at ages 19 and 23, they weren’t even alive for much of the decade) so much as they’re tweaking it by employing modern production tactics.

In contrast to fellow Illinois producer Kanye West—who’s professionally exhausted the art of the sped-up soul sample—the Cool Kids are all about molasses. Slowed-down vocals laze behind the backbeat in a curious impersonation of an ancient cassette deck’s dirty heads slowing down the tape. Their style sounds akin to Eric B. and Rakim lounging around a 50-gallon drum blasted on morphine, and damn, does it ever sound slick.

Lifting Rick Rubin’s trick of short heavy-metal guitar stabs which peppered the Beasties’ 1986 Licensed to Ill album, “88” is an all-out homage to the day-glo half-shirt era, and it’s a lyrical trip down amnesia lane for those who spent after-school afternoons playing video games at Aladdin’s Castle and watching Yo! MTV Raps on a friend’s cable connection.

Rapper Mikey Rocks, born in ’88, plunders the decade’s fads—is there any other current artist in hip-hop who drops lines about stonewashed Guess jeans, Rob Base, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, “The Safety Dance” and the Smurfs?—while the beat changes up about six different times, supplied by a block-party DJ going crazy on the crates, at one point chopping up a few faintly recognizable electronic blips of the Pac-Man theme into a nostalgic four-bar jam of delicious WTF-ness. With all of today’s video-game options, do these guys really think Pac-Man is all that fun to play?

Authenticity aside, there’s another major hurdle of variety for the group: most of the Cool Kids’ songs sound alike, and some of them even quote verses from each other. Ordinarily, this is dangerously self-referential activity for a group without an album out yet, but it seems somehow appropriate for their revivalist bent. The majority of the songs on the Ramones’ debut sound the same, too, but taken together, they strengthen the roots of rock and roll, much like the Cool Kids’ upcoming full-length disc on Chocolate Industries will probably bring back some teenage basics to a confused genre.

The Cool Kids might expand their palette and become a creative force, but more likely they’ll make a great, molten-brown-sugar album and disappear, never to be heard from again. The latter scenario, strangely, is the more attractive one. It’s good to remember that feeling cool is a short, hot flame that only lasts for a couple minutes at a time, a compromised state of hypnosis, and its superficial marriage to an early midlife crisis is always a short one.


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