Page 184 | Bohemian | Sonoma & Napa Counties

Best Place to Buy Bathroom Tiles to Admire Whilst Inebriated, Incapacitated and Throwing Up

Isabella Cook

Mar 21, 2023

Best Place to Buy Bathroom Tiles to Admire Whilst Inebriated, Incapacitated and Throwing Up

Humanity Home & Cabinetry, Santa Rosa

I’ll begin by saying that this story is about home improvement, but the hero’s journey that led me to the North Bay’s best of home improvement (spoiler, it’s Humanity Home & Cabinetry) requires a more sordid tale.

It all started when the day was departing, and in the darkening neighborhood of Guerneville, I discovered the hallowed halls of El Barrio, home of artisanal mezcal, tequila and bourbon cocktails. This seemed, I thought, to be the perfect place to release some sorrow and toil and perhaps forget and/or create some memories.

Oh, reader, I was right—in only two hours and “a few” drinks, I came to, wrapped in a near-intimate embrace with a toilet so beautiful, so ornate and so majestic that it roused me from my drunken stupor…just long enough to feel bad when I, again, threw up in, on and around what may be the finest work of art I have seen or will ever see.

I spent a long time in the bathroom of El Barrio with only this most tastefully gaudy of toilets for company—knocks at the doorway, of other patrons demanding entrance, came and went and were easily ignored. After all, a true connection, such as that between me and this masterpiece of plumbing, is impossible to break. Until, of course, the employee with the keys came in, kicked me out and told me never to come back.

But I had experienced something in that bathroom, something that I wanted access to at all times: Whether it be food poisoning, drunkenness or the flu, I knew I needed to find a way to recreate that experience at home! So, I scoured the North Bay for a place that could give me what I needed—a way to deck out my bathroom, dress it to the nines and make sure that, no matter the reason why I’m lying incapacitated on the bathroom floor, I have something to admire. And, thanks to Humanity Home & Cabinetry, now I have a bathroom I love to throw up in. — I.C.

Humanity Home & Cabinetry is located at 799 Piner Rd., Suite A in Santa Rosa. For more information, visit humanity-home.com.

Best Place in the North Bay to Eat Your Feelings

Best of Restaurants

Isabella Cook

Mar 21, 2023

Best Place in the North Bay to Eat Your Feelings

Mitote Food Park, Santa Rosa

In the middle of a journey through wine country, I came to myself in a dark sort of mood—you know the feeling: sad and hungry, craving a pile of food so massive it just may start to fill that black hole-sized pit of woe in your stomach.

Then I saw it, a shining beacon in the distance promising a smorgasbord of satisfying snacks. I cannot say exactly how I entered Mitote Food Park but, as I passed through the gates of this Santa Rosa Shangri-La of street food, I knew I had found the perfect place to eat my feelings.

The smell of churros wafts through the air. To my left, birria tacos. To my right, a bar (open seven days a week…am I in heaven?). Surrounded by a one-man feast, I sit alone in the darkest corner of this bright and festive outdoor food park and sip my drink—a single tear falls from my eye. Bliss, I think, to eat your feelings at Mitote Food Park.

Mitote Food Park is located at 635 Sebastopol Rd. in Santa Rosa. For more information, visit their website at mitotefoodpark.com. — I.C.

Best Place to Settle Your Differences That Isn’t Twitter

Evan Davis

Mar 21, 2023

Best Place to Settle Your Differences That Isn’t Twitter

Scandia Family Fun Center, Rohnert Park

“You know where we get the game of mini golf, bud?” I ask as I take my turn to putt, and it goes wide.

“Um, like golf,” posits my poor, dumb nephew, “but mini?”

“Ha, not quite, sport. We get it from the Vikings. See, when Lief Erikson landed in America a thousand years ago, they developed it as a way of settling disagreements after they lost all their swords in a big storm. That’s also why there are 18 holes, it’s the minimum needed to crew a longboat,” I say.

Poor, innocent Kyle thinks for a minute. “Why not just punch each other?” he asks.

“Well, because they were civilized, right?” I reply. We finish the hole, and I start tallying the scores. “It became such a strong tradition, that’s why we still play it today. It’s the game of kings.” I pump my eyebrows. “Vi-kings.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “That was dumb,” he says.

“Yeah, well,” I say, as I toss him the scorecard. “I won 58-to-65, so we agree Shrek 2 was the pinnacle of cinema and your stupid Marvel movies are repetitive, formulaic garbage.” — E.D.

Best Place for Losing Your Child(ren)

Evan Davis

Mar 21, 2023

Windsor Bowling Center

With the boom of hand sanitizer sales since 2020, public pools probably seem less like a great place to take the kids and more like big mugs of human tea, steeped with the armpits, hoo-has and jelly beans of total strangers.

But what those places have going for them is the idea of adult swim, and that’s why I’ve always loved coming to Windsor Bowling Center. It’s got lots of colors, things that sparkle, a full bar complete with doors to keep out kids and a whole lot to do: bowling, blacklight mini golf and an escape room—tons of perfectly viable reasons to say how the little scamp or scamps got away from you.

If that ain’t enough, my sister dropped off my nephew here once for a birthday party but got her days mixed up. When she got her calendar right, it was six hours later. She comes in all manic thinkin’ she just Home Aloned him, but there he was, up at the bar nursing a free root beer.

So looks like they have a Lost & Found system in place.

They’re prepared for you taking some time for yourself, so take advantage, I say. — E.D.

Best Place to Keep Legends Alive

Best of Services

Evan Davis

Mar 21, 2023

Salt Tree, Santa Rosa

When I was a kid, there was a place in the Santa Rosa Plaza known far and wide as The Disney Store. No mystery, then, when I say that they of course sold plush dolls of beloved Disney characters, poseable action figures, play sets, movies and all the rest. Just as unsurprisingly, the staff were outgoing, endlessly pleasant and notoriously helpful—which I realize may strike as odd phrasing, but it remains accurate.

As kids, we devised a game around that known dynamic within the store, and it went as follows: Simply enter the store and try to make it to the back wall, placing your palm fully against it, then exit the store again, all without being offered help by a staff member. It was easy enough when we were kids, but became tougher to do as we grew into teenagers and the tenured store associates developed pack tactics.

After all, ours was an individual sport, for what we had in numbers we lacked in cohesion, and the organization of Team Disney was commendable.

But nothing good ever lasts forever, and The Disney Store did eventually close, and in its place now resides Salt Tree, a boujee clothing store with mannequins on their tables and perfume in their vents.

We used to throw water balloons at busy traffic, joust on roller blades with plastic lightsabers and steal street signs (minor ones, nothing important), just as storefronts that used to house emblems of childhood innocence now offer a simple variety of pastel shirts.

The world changes, and we all grow up eventually.

“Anybody ask you if you needed help?” I ask my nephew, who I’m watching for the day. He’s 10.

“Nope,” he says.

“You plant that dog turd you found on the mannequin in the back like I dared you?”

“Yep.”

“Sick. Let’s go get ice cream. Wash your hands.”

Gotta help rear the next generation, y’know? — E.D.

Best Trashy Birthday Celebration

Chelsea Kurnick

Mar 21, 2023

Santa Rosa Creek Cleanup

While people bike, walk and live alongside Santa Rosa’s 100 miles of creeks each day, they may never think about the city’s storm drain system, which has more than 1,500 outfalls into these waterways. Our daily activities create pollution that funnels directly into our creeks from these storm drains—everything from dog poop to soapy water used to wash one’s car to garden pesticides can empty into our storm drains and into our creeks.

On a sunny Saturday in late February, a small group gathered at Brush Creek for our friend Derek’s birthday party. We weren’t there to bike or picnic; we were there to spend a few hours cleaning up the creek.

There’s often trash to pick up along the paved trails, but to do more intrepid creek cleanup, it’s best to wear thick-soled waterproof boots and sturdy clothes one doesn’t mind getting dirty. The City of Santa Rosa will provide volunteer creek stewards with all the tools needed to collect trash—trash bags, thick gardening gloves and long rubber-tipped grabbers.

At first, it was hard to see much trash; recent storms brought tons of plant debris through, making a lot of the trash that was there difficult to see. Yet we quickly trained our eyes to search for plastic bags and wrappers embedded in the thorny branches underfoot. As our bags filled, we all felt compelled to keep going.

Three people told me they’re addicted to creek clean up. Two volunteers told me they go out for a couple hours most days.

I get it. Beer cans and packaged food wrappers were numerous and boring to pick up, but their monotony made finding unusual items all the more exciting.

Since it was Derek’s birthday party, I polled everyone: If you had to choose a gift for Derek from the trash you found, what would you give him?

Choices included a rusty bicycle frame (no wheels), an area rug, a pair of boxer briefs, a wallet (no ID or money inside) and a plastic cactus-shaped dog chew toy. We didn’t actually give Derek these “gifts,” but Derek himself found and kept a ceramic owl knick-knack.

After we cleaned up the creek, we cleaned up ourselves and headed to Shady Oak Barrel House for hard-earned beer and pizza. A few of us were already planning our next creek cleanup day. — C.K.

Best Place to Contemplate the Passage of Time…With Chicken

Evan Davis

Mar 21, 2023

Best Place to Contemplate the Passage of Time…With Chicken

Humanity Wellness Dispensary, Santa Rosa

Time doesn’t slow down. Not for a single one of us. One day, you’re a young, hopeful, real bright-eyed son of a bitch, then tomorrow becomes today, becomes yesterday, last week, then suddenly you’re 35 at the grocery store and the bag boy calls you “sir.”

I think that’s why I get drawn here to Humanity Wellness Dispensary. Location’s key, right? And this place is, like, dead center on a leyline nexus of “Where the hell is life going for any of us?”

Humanity’s great (the weed shop, I mean; people are still TBD), but they’re couched right next to the grown-over plot of land that was, once upon a time, home to K-Mart before wildfire had its way with the place like a pack of preschoolers raiding an unattended candy cart.

No irony then that Goodwill patiently lurks in the background, like a living reminder of futility that hungers for the resale value in the memories of your late grandmother’s keepsakes.

It’s almost enough to keep a guy from getting out of bed.

But El Pollo Loco is right next door, and few things give life meaning like one of their quesadillas. — E.D.

Best Place to Put Your Trust in the Strong Hands of a Stranger

Evan Davis

Mar 21, 2023

Best Place to Put Your Trust in the Strong Hands of a Stranger

Jessie Jing’s Massage Therapy, Santa Rosa

“You seem pretty extra chill today, Uncle Eric,” remarks my nephew.

“Well Kyle,” I reply, “that’s because before your mom dropped you off with me today, I was at Jessie Jing’s on 5th Street in Santa Rosa.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a massage place. Haven’t had a massage in years, but it was worth it. They start with your feet—it’s called ‘reflexology.’ And I was worried, you know because I broke my toe when I was a few years older than you, and it never quite healed right. But that man could read my body like a book. Knew which piggies to pop and where to stop.”

“Right…okay, well…”

“Yep, then he rolled me over, started workin’ my back with his elbow. God, haven’t known bliss like that in ages. His inner thigh brushed my shoulder at one point, and I was in such a state of zen-like relaxation, he could have been tea-bagging the back of my head and I wouldn’t have cared one bit. Not one bit! So yeah, very chill. You should try it when you’re, ah, older.”

“…”

“…Right.”

— E.D.

Best Place for a Little Poke and Tickle

Evan Davis

Mar 21, 2023

Phillips Family Dental Care, Santa Rosa

I was raised in a pretty strict Catholic household, which just means that as an adult I take my pleasures where I can find them. Sometimes that means finding them where others are afraid to look. When I go to my dentist’s office, Phillips Family Dental Care, it’s about more than just my teeth.

The little bib they give you? I’m not above a little humiliation; take me down a peg.

Nick me with that scraper thing and ask, “Did that hurt?” You bet it did. Give it to me.

“Good. Rinse, and…now spit.” If Daddy says so.

Financial dom more your thing? I get it, part of why I go out-of-market for this.

And with Sam’s For Play Cafe right across the street—ha! Match made in Heaven. More like the “Foreplay Cafe,” am I right?

“Someone hasn’t been flossing.” That’s right, I’ve been bad. Now what’re you gonna do about it? — E.D.

Best Place to Luxuriously Ferment Yourself in Cedar (and How to Do It at Home)

Isabella Cook

Mar 21, 2023

Best Place to Luxuriously Ferment Yourself in Cedar (and How to Do It at Home)

Osmosis Day Spa Sanctuary

Before you ask why I, along with 900 other souls this month, have journeyed all the way to Freestone in a strangely popular pilgrimage to bury ourselves in a bath of fermented wood chips, I’ll say this: It’s been a rough year, I’m eternally stressed and DIY self-care at home just isn’t cutting it—but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The pre-fermentation tea service at Osmosis Day Spa Sanctuary was peaceful as all hell; I sipped away my worries in the tea garden room and apprecia-tea’d the limbo zone between unmitigated stress and unadulterated bliss. Drink done, my spa attendant beckoned I follow.

“Abandon every soap, you who enter,” they told me at the doorway, which I found peculiar but ultimately harmless in the grand scheme of things. What followed (also peculiar and more helpful than harmless) were the singular sensations that come from burying oneself into a biologically heated, enzyme-packed, weighted blanket-feeling bath filled to the brim with steaming fermented cedar.

I don’t really remember what happened after that, though the general consensus from those present for my first cedar bath at Osmosis was this: The moment I relaxed into the bath and let the weight of the wood cover me to my shoulders, I (allegedly) sighed, then wept, then openly, overtly and loudly wailed for my mother (again, allegedly) before going completely limp and spending my remaining time mumbling about the glory of transcension. However, all I remember was feeling warm and relaxed, so who’s to say?

Twenty minutes of (rumored) ego-death later, I emerged a changed woman, wrapped in a fluffy towel and thoroughly fermented. I returned home with a plan, which brings us back to the mention of DIY at the beginning of this tale…long story short, I rented a wood chipping machine, felled a cedar tree and stuck it all in a kiddie pool along with a 36-pack of Pabst.

Take it from me—the North Bay’s best of health, beauty and wellness, Osmosis Day Spa Sanctuary, does it better than a single person with a wood chipper and a dream ever could.

Osmosis Day Spa and Sanctuary is located at 209 Bohemian Hwy. in Freestone. Visit osmosis.com for more information. — I.C.