Open Mic

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It’s a Library!

By Jonah Raskin

IN UNDERSTANDING Media , Marshall McLuhan– “Mr. Mass Media”–persuaded me that we live in the “Information Age,” and in deference to McLuhan, I suppose I ought to accept the fact that we now have “Information Centers,” including the new Jean and Charles Schulz Information Center at SSU. The trouble is, I’m troubled by the idea of an “Information Center” in a way I was never troubled by the idea of a “library.”

“Information Center” sounds like the sort of buzz term that’s used to pry money from tight-fisted Sacramento politicians. “Library” sounds old-fashioned–a relic of ancient times. Of course, I’m attached not only to the concept of the “library”–which has served humanity for ages–but to my own memories of libraries all over the world, from New York and London to Mexico City and Hanoi.

I love libraries, and I love the smell, the look, and the feel of books.

You can imagine, then, how peeved I was that no one said a word about books–at least not from the podium–at the recent ceremony to mark the opening of the Jean and Charles Schulz Information Center, though there was talk of computers and though SSU President Ruben Armiñana spoke eloquently about the lowly, ubiquitous pencil, as itself and as a metaphor for things much bigger. Sonoma County’s Poet Laureate Don Emblen, who attended the ceremony along with dozens of other notables, noticed the omission of books from the speeches, and it troubled him as it troubled me.

Of course, like Emblen, I’m bookish.

I write books, read them, review them, and assign them to students who, increasingly, don’t bother with books. Students are on the Web, of course, and while the Web is a wonderful place to be, it doesn’t beat books. I’ve searched online and I’ve gone hunting in books, and books are still the best source of information.

It’s too bad no one said that at the ceremony.

I suspect it’s too late to lose the name “Information Center” and go back to “Library.” And it’s probably too radical to stage a “read-in” to remind the campus that books are indispensable. But maybe students will come for the computers and stay for the books, without a “read-in.”

As far as I’m concerned, the new building will always be the Jean and Charles Schulz Library. I’m sure Marshall McLuhan would want it that way, and I bet Snoopy would, too.

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Molly Giles

New book applies familial angst with a trowel

By Yosha Bourgea

KAY MCLEOD needs therapy. Her father, Francis, is a successful architect and a world-class alcoholic. Her mother, Ida, has just had her second leg amputated because of gangrene, and she’s an alcoholic as well. Kay is married to Neal, a humor-impaired vegetarian who forgets anniversaries, steals inheritance money, and can’t get it up in bed. None of these people are nice to Kay, who, in addition to being an alcoholic, is a lifelong doormat.

This is the bleak setup for Molly Giles’ Iron Shoes (Simon & Schuster; $22), another dysfunctional-American-family story. As a perusal of the racks in any bookstore will show, this genre is alive and well. The best examples are, naturally, the ones that surprise and enlighten us with insights into character and variations on the form.

Iron Shoes is not one of those. Although it has flashes of original style, it is maddeningly obvious on the whole. Heavy on the pop psychology terms, it unfolds with the sincerity and predictability of an Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlet.

Ida, the caustic matriarch of the family, is dying. She has hallucinations of a blue horse that stands outside her hospital window and talks to her, but she’s still lucid enough to torment Kay, her easiest target, with a shrewd combination of guilt and insult. Some of the most bracing moments come early in the book, during Kay’s visits to the hospital, as when she contemplates her mother’s amputated limbs: “This new stump was rawer. Ruder. More butchered-looking. Meat, Kay thought. That’s what we’re made of. No wonder Neal won’t touch me.”

Passages like these are alive with energy and risk, but many others suffer from clichéd phrases and awkward puns (“another day, another dolor”) or simply work too hard to impress.

Part of the problem is the use by Giles (a former North Bay resident and author of the Pulitzer Prize-nominated short-story collection Rough Translations) of a third-person perspective that shifts among Kay, Francis, and Ida–a technique that permits a view into the mind of each key character.

Here, it softens the emotional impact by reminding us that the private thoughts we’re reading have been paraphrased by an intermediary. To make matters worse, these secondhand interior monologues are weakened by stretches of stagy exposition that render the characters less believable.

Neal in particular is a caricature, a composite of male hang-ups. He is critical and dismissive of Kay (“Don’t spiral,” he sniffs when she gets upset); he stops in the middle of sex to take out the trash; he wears the same socks three days in a row. In short, he has no redeeming value.

As a device to elicit sympathy for the novel’s heroine, Neal backfires; he’s so spectacularly awful that we begin to question the intelligence of a woman who would choose to stay with him. Kay endures so much emotional abuse, with so little insight into her experience, that it becomes deeply frustrating to watch her.

There is redemption, however–that’s a prerequisite of the form. After a particularly self-destructive night, Kay confronts her family and her husband, makes peace with herself, and quits drinking. But the climax comes without a buildup, and the aftermath feels tacked on.

The novel’s title comes from a fairy tale Kay tells her son, Nicky, about an evil troll who tricks a king and queen into putting on heavy iron shoes they can’t remove. It’s a good metaphor for the burdens Kay endures. But it also works for the book, which is heavier than it needs to be and goes nowhere. ®

Molly Giles reads from ‘Iron Shoes’ on Friday, Oct. 20, at 7 p.m. at Copperfield’s Books, 140 Kentucky St., Petaluma. For details, call 707/762-0563.

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Millennial Anarchy

Rage Against the Machine

The millennium marks the return of anarchy

By James MacKinnon

OVER THE WIRE comes a report of an anarchist punching a police officer in the face, “repeatedly,” during a street protest in Philadelphia. I imagine that little clot of information exploding outward through the endless fractals of the Information Age. I picture it reaching the suburban dinnertime conversations of a hundred million American Beauty households, and if I listen closely, I can hear America tut-tutting.

But then, there is something shocking about some punk putting one up in a cop’s face. In a culture that can absorb, without flinching, the fact that certain individuals can afford to order takeout for the world’s poorest billion without losing their seats in the Billionaire’s Club, punching a cop remains a genuine shock. If you make an effort to understand it, your internal pop-psychologist kicks in: I’m getting the sense that you’re angry. More than likely, you give in to an almost gut-level feeling that this is very, very wrong: In America, One Does Not Punch an Officer of the Law.

Sitting in a shady urban park, I bring this up with Closet Punk (“I’m kind of a punk, but I’m in the closet”). He has been sitting cross-legged with an almost Gandhian stillness, but now he stands and begins to act out the climax of a 1999 protest in Montreal, when riot police sealed death-penalty protesters in an alley before they had even begun to march.

“You could just feel this panic building,” he recalls. “Suddenly they ran at us–a totally unprovoked police charge.”

As people scrambled to escape up a single-file staircase, the cops closed the gap. Closet Punk mimes the way a baton to the face knocked his friend down onto the bike she was pushing. He stepped in as a human shield, felt the jarring pain of a truncheon to the thigh, then managed with one hand to grab the officer’s weapon.

“I just looked him in the eye and . . .”

He gropes for a way to describe the complexity of an epiphany. “The state is going to crush you if it doesn’t agree with you,” he says finally.

THE PROTEST in Montreal ended when the police destroyed the activists’ signs, then allowed them to leave, two by two, like animals off Noah’s ark. And so, in Closet Punk’s world, news of people striking back against police has a much different effect than it does on a person watching the nightly news and thinking that all these balaclavas and bandanas have grown a little stale.

In 1969, Carl Oglesby wrote about the effect in The New Left Reader: “The policeman’s riot club functions like a magic wand, under whose hard caress the banal soul grows vivid and the nameless recover their authenticity.” Closet Punk wraps up his story of cops and rebels. “That was really like a life-changing thing for me,” he says, then laughs lightly. “It’s ironic. They’ve unwittingly created a radical anarchist.”

Anarchist. (Pause; roll of timpani, clash of cymbals.) Yes, the capital-A Anarchist is back, and he’s wearing a big black gas mask and breathing like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. He’s cursing the hippies and climbing the walls of the gated community. He’s throwing bricks and lighting fires, and when he rolls out at midnight in his long black car, you’d better believe that he’ll have Jesus in the trunk. This is an all-points bulletin, and in Anytown, America, good citizens are scrambling to hide the booze and lock up their daughters.

That’s the easy definition. Taking a truer measure of anarchy is puzzlingly difficult, as David Samuels found when he reported on the infamous radicals of Eugene, Ore., for Harper’s magazine. Samuels concluded, in concerned tones, that the anarchists suffer “the absolutist psychology of children whose parents split up or sold out or otherwise succumbed to the instability inherent in modern marriage.”

However wrong or right about his sample study, Samuels was opening a historical wound. Lenin himself declared anarchism an “infantile disorder” (best cured, added Trotsky, with an “iron broom”), and critics ever since have suggested that anarchists, as one historian put it, “project onto the State all the hatred they felt for parental authority.”

It is just as easy, of course, to explain a person’s faith in authority through the psychology of a child with a burden in his pants. If only anarchists suffer such Freudian analysis, it’s because journalists are conditioned to expect tight limits on public behavior, argues Jason McQuinn, an anarchist for 30 years and editor of Anarchy magazine. “Rather than taking into the light the idea that there are some people who believe they can change power in a structural way,” he says, “mainstream media wants to believe that these people are in some way acting out their sickness.” To many, that will sound paranoid, like the complaint of a nudist who just doesn’t get why the rules are against her.

But, like the nudist, the anarchist is just so different that you’re all too prone to stare at the obvious. At best, you might try to guess what makes her tick. There are a lot of gaps to jump before you finally think: Maybe this person makes sense.

IF YOU WANT to stare into an anarchist den, you might start on Earl Street, in a mixed neighborhood of Toronto. The building itself is Romanesque Italian, rising in stone and stained glass. This is Our Lady of Lourdes, a Jesuit parish, and the place of worship of poet, author, and professor Albert Moritz.

Moritz is an anarchist and Catholic, or as he puts it, “a Catholic among anarchists, and an anarchist among Catholics.” It’s a difficult and deeply personal balance that Moritz describes as a refusal to reject any influence that resonates with his sense of humanity. “I’m a palimpsest,” he says. “My life is a matter of maintaining contradictions and attempting reconciliations.”

Anarchists like Moritz are easier guides into what might be called “the anarchist conversation” than, say, a vegan squatter who goes by the single name “Kronstadt.” As Moritz would be the first to declare, though, “easy” does not mean “more legitimate.” It’s a question of starting points, and the anarchists interviewed for this story–including a warehouse worker, a youth-care advocate, a “boss,” and a computer coder–start somewhere nearer to the house-in-the-suburbs, 2.5-child norm than my (fictional) Kronstadt. Moritz, for example, recommends anarchism as, to begin with, a way “to lighten up your thought.”

In its immediate impression, anarchism is the intellectual equivalent of the place the socks go when they vanish from the laundry. Consider, for example, the disappearance of outrage. Earlier this year, The Filth and the Fury–a documentary about the seminal punk band the Sex Pistols–hit audiences with an opening collage of 1970s Britain. Pneumatic models hawk vacuums on TV; black-tie swells drive past squalid housing projects; the Queen looks as if she smells something nasty that she can’t possibly mention. It’s a setup, designed to make sure you understand that, once upon a time, it made sense to scream, like Johnny Rotten, “Anarchy! Get pissed! Destroy!”

What might strike the viewer, though, is that nothing much has changed. Imagine a collage for the year 2000: virtual fly-fishing, “doggie day-care,” the cult of Oprah, 2 million in prison in the USA, the greatest gap between rich and poor in living memory. Somehow, though, all that punk rage seems passé. Are these just “different times”? Or do the same forces that virtually prohibit ripped jeans (so ’80s!) also convince us that anger’s uncool?

OUTRAGE fell from fashion, so much so that even our most visible radical groups–like Earth First!, the Ruckus Society, and the Direct Action Network–seem restrained. Most have settled into media-savvy campaigns of nonviolent direct action (many of their members, it has to be noted, are anarchists). But within the anarchist conversation, outrage is a warming fire around which to debate the unmentionable questions. Right now, a new consensus is attracting a limited following, best known through the Black Bloc street radicals that believe corporate media to be a monster that isn’t worth feeding, that property damage isn’t violence unless living things are wounded, and that enduring police violence may be the same as accepting it.

Without this debate, people like Albert Moritz would condemn the Black Bloc anarchists out of hand. Within the debate, he refuses to rebuke them. “I wish them well,” he says. In fact, Moritz, the good Catholic, refuses to reject even the possibility of a morally defensible offensive attack on the police.

“These are real questions,” he says. “After the Second World War, the United States was perhaps the chief enforcer of the notion in the Nuremberg trials that you are demanded to adhere to a higher standard than the laws and ideals of the country that you happen to be in, the organization that governs that country, or the military body that gives you orders. You were held guilty unto death if you didn’t dissent from them unto a higher standard. But, within our own political discourse, it’s usually considered absolutely verboten to invoke that same principle.”

The submerged conversation that connects people like Moritz to a teenager building a fiery barricade out of a Dumpster is the reason anarchism, and not only “the anarchist,” creates such a furor each time it rises near the mainstream. To government and corporate authorities, no good can come if Jo Coffeecup discovers that this thing called “anarchism” is like an ongoing talk-radio program where the unspoken is always the topic of the day.

YOU’RE listening to Circle A Radio, folks, and the question today is “Are there times when it’s OK to attack the police?” We’ve got Caleb Williams on the line from Boise. Hi, Caleb.

Hello out there, I just want to say that I love your show. . . .

You can almost hear the truncheons thumping on the riot shields, the stern murmurs in the White House, the family counselors helping parents figure out if their children are hanging out with anarchists.

“I sometimes have the feeling that many of these people suspect there is a kind of Berlin-Wall-in-1988 quality to the supposedly massive satisfaction and confidence of the late capitalist system,” says Moritz. “They react with rage because there is some fear behind it.”

We are slowly circling the anarchist beast, but there’s no other way to approach a 200-year-old philosophy that is still absent from most political science reading lists. Its “experts” reject the term, and insist that if their words aren’t fixed and true, then that’s exactly the truth they’re shooting for.

“The first anarchist was the first person who felt the oppression of another and rebelled against it,” writes Peter Marshall in his hefty history of anarchy, Demanding the Impossible. In effect, anarchism lays claim to the root of grassroots.

A few things can be said for certain about anarchist philosophy. Anarchists reject the legitimacy of external government, political authority, corporate power, hierarchy, and domination. They believe that, through social rebellion, society can become a voluntary association of free and equal individuals. “Mind your own business” has been an anarchist motto, but the emphasis on equality separates the anarchist from any free marketeer. Anarchism imagines the maximum individual freedom that is compatible with freedom for all others, and it is along this line that anarchists fiercely debate and divide. There’s an old joke: “What do you get if you lock two anarchists in a room? Three splinter groups.”

The movement that emerged with the “Battle in Seattle” has been publicly linked to anarchism, says Cindy Milstein, a faculty member at the Institute for Social Ecology in Vermont, but the association isn’t as strong as it should be. “I have never seen a movement that included so many anarchists, whether they were dressed all in black or not,” she says.

“The direct action part of it–from the affinity groups to the puppeteers to independent media–has either been strongly influenced by anarchism or is initiated by anarchists.”

The new movement building out of Seattle is at least “proto-anarchist.” It is radically decentralized, largely leaderless, tolerant of a wide range of expression–and ready to party whenever power takes a tumble.

These are essential elements of anarchist history. The Zapatistas in Mexico are anarchistic: sovereign, self-governing, structured without hierarchy, intensely local, and in direct confrontation with government and corporate power. Green politics, with its rejection of leader-worship and centralized power, borrows heavily from the concept that “anarchy is order” (the root of the “circle A” symbol).

At a time when nuclear holocaust seemed only a matter of time, punk rock urged us to ruin this doomed world and see what emerged–an echo of anarchist Michael Bakunin’s 1842 statement, “The urge to destroy is also a creative urge.”

THE NEW LEFT of the 1960s argued for decentralization and direct democracy, and against the power of the police, the state, the military, and even “the tyranny of culture.” From self-governing communes to yippie sloganeers (“Revolution for the Hell of it!”), a largely unrecognized anarchism bored deep into Americana. The Black Panthers resembled current radical anarchists in their dual commitment to self-defense against police and “active community” in the form of free medical clinics and food services. And anarchism was at the heart of the 1968 riots and general strike that brought France to the brink of revolution at a time when, like now, the word seemed ridiculously naive.

The Situationists–radical critics who formed an anarchist resistance to consumer society–fought police from behind barricades, believing that their sudden glimpse beyond the spectacle of the commercial glut had created a mindshift that state and commerce could never again co-opt.

Anarchism has also had its peace: the anti-nuclear movement was deeply inspired by Gandhi, who had studied the pacifist anarchist Leo Tolstoy, who admired history’s first self-declared anarchist, the French revolutionary Pierre-Joseph Proudhon. It has had its brief and requisite fame: anarchism is linked to the assassination of U.S. President William McKinley, and in 1892, popular anarchists Alexander Berkman and Emma Goldman conspired to attempt the murder of Henry Clay Frick, chair of Carnegie Steel. (Frick’s use of Pinkerton strikebreakers had resulted in the death of 10 workers and three guards.) Anarchists can also claim at least one historic foresight: they denounced communism before it could even be called a movement. Back through time the anarchist reels. Back to Jesus (“The first anarchist society was that of the apostles,” wrote one anarchist thinker); back to Lao Tzu, who argued that, to the free person who gives others their freedom, “what room is there left for government?”

“When you offer people a chance to create their own lives, it’s incredibly powerful,” says Milstein. “The ideas are strong enough that people will come to them.”

IF ANARCHISM is resonating throughout the new politics, it is in large part because there is just so much to resist: Britney Spears and Tommy Hilfiger, e-commerce and media mergers, tweedledum politics and police-sanctioned protest. The traditional left has produced Bill Clinton and Tony Blair, while the right enjoys an exclusive claim on freedom, responsibility, and individuality.

The physicist’s term “potential energy” seems a good description of the times, and anarchism is the wrecking ball waiting to swing.

If history is any measure, though, it is the anarchist and anarchism that will be misunderstood, denounced, and driven again into their deep underground. One anarchist, writing for the Independent Media Center at the outset of the early-August protests in Philadelphia, predicted an impending storm. “The media simultaneously demonizes and discredits the protesters, turning them from citizens with legitimate concerns that aren’t being heard into an unruly mob with no cause that wants to find any excuse to trash buildings and beat up cops. Then, the general public is willing to look the other way as police invade civil rights.”

Just days later, Philly Police Commissioner John Timoney, himself jostled during protests surrounding the Republican National Convention, called for a crackdown. “Somebody who has nationwide jurisdiction has got to look into these groups,” he said. “I intend on raising this issue with federal authorities.”

Closet Punk can already feel the heat. He asked to be named only by his graffiti tag; he works on a politically sensitive inner-city project and worries that city officials could use the weight of his label–anarchist–to shut down the operation. “It’s a philosophy that’s really undergone a lot of oppression over the past 100 years,” he says.

He hopes, without expectation, that the public will come to see beyond the balaclava. Closet Punk has become an anarchist advocate; most recently, he’s organized a reading circle that meets in a public park. They’re checking out Goldman and Chomsky, and the gentle Peter Kropotkin is coming up on the list. It’s an interesting image: 10 allies of the dreaded Black Bloc reading, as Oscar Wilde put it, “a man with a soul of that beautiful white Christ.”

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

‘Girlfight’

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A female fighter goes a few rounds with ‘Girlfight’

Writer David Templeton takes interesting people to interesting movies in his ongoing quest for the ultimate post-film conversation.

“The very first time I hit a man,” recalls Kate Sekules, “it wasn’t really very significant. In fact, I can barely remember it. On the other hand, the first time I hit a woman–now that was a big moment for me.”

Sekules, her lilting British accent and soft-spoken demeanor running counter to all this talk about hitting and being hit, is discussing Girlfight, the art-house drama directed by Sundance sensation Karen Kusama. It’s the story of Diana Guzman (played by buffed-up newcomer Michelle Rodriguez), an angry, semi-delinquent teen from the streets of New York whose future seems destined to go bad until she stumbles upon an unexpected talent as an amateur boxer.

Currently the travel editor for Food & Wine Magazine, Sekules has an idea of what Diana Guzman feels the first time she enters the ring with another female fighter. A seasoned boxer herself, Sekules began training in 1992 at New York’s legendary boxing gym Gleason’s, eventually becoming one of the first women in the world to lift gloves in a professional prizefight.

She tells the story in her lyrical new book The Boxer’s Heart: How I Fell in Love with the Ring (Villard; $23.95). Taken alongside Girlfight and the recent documentary Shadowboxer–“A wonderful piece of work that it isn’t getting the attention it deserves,” says Sekules–The Boxer’s Heart completes a kind of female-fighter trilogy.

Speaking of fighters. I wonder if it’s true that Sekules, having engaged in professional pugilism, cannot legally hit another human outside the boxing ring?

“Well, that’s the story,” she says with a laugh. “It might be only hearsay, but I’ve been told that if you’re a professional boxer, your fists are seen as a lethal weapon.”

“So if I asked you to punch me in the head, you couldn’t do it,” I assume.

“Well, of course I could,” Sekules replies. “And if you decided to sue me, you’d have a very good case.”

Uh, right. Anyone whose seen Sekules’ trim, fighter-stance photo on the cover of her book will realize I’m in no hurry for a practical demonstration of her point. As a guy whose been in only one real fight his whole life (Matt McGruyer kicked my ass in seventh grade), I’m reasonably certain that Sekules would kill me.

So could Michelle Rodriguez, for that matter. Or Karen Kusama, each of whom, by the way, has trained at Gleason’s alongside Sekules.

“I remember Michelle Rodriguez, her first day training at the gym,” Sekules says. “It was two or three years ago when it was still unusual to see a girl fighter who was good. I saw Michelle and said, ‘Hey who’s that? She looks good. She looks like she’s been training about four months.’ But no. It was Michelle’s first day training at the gym. She was amazing.”

Thinking back to the moment in the film when Diana’s trainer patiently wraps her fists in those creamy, canvas bandages, preparing her for her first workout, I ask Sekules if becoming a boxer had altered her own relationship with her hands.

“My hands?” she repeats. “What a strange question.”

She pauses, considering it. “At the beginning, my hands kept getting cut and bruised,” she says finally. “Once you scrape all the skin off your knuckles and then hit them again, your hand never heals. It was interesting, because there’s this unspoken requirement that every woman in New York must have an expensive manicure. So here I was with long manicured nails and these greatly scarred knuckles.

“But I was proud of that,” she continues. “Otherwise, the hand is really just the end of the punch. The force comes up from the ground and goes through your whole body. It was my relationship with my body that was completely transformed, gradually and probably for good. And thank God for that, because it just drags you down, that body stuff that women have to cope with.”

“Speaking of what women have to cope with,” I say. “You were saying that the first time you hit a woman, it was a significant moment?”

“Very significant,” Sekules murmurs.

“Did you feel guilty about it?”

“It wasn’t guilt, exactly,” she replies. “But it wasn’t easy. It felt more like having to push through glue to hit her. There was this invisible impediment, almost like someone was holding my elbow. I did hit her, eventually, in that first session. I hit her a lot, but I didn’t really lay into her. I never got in a really good shot.”

Sekules’ female opponent, however, got in a few good shots of her own.

“It’s weird. When I first started boxing and a guy hit me, it outraged me,” Sekules remembers. “It was a very simple reaction. I thought, ‘That’s not right. What are you doing? How dare you?’ But when I was hit by a woman, my reaction was much more complicated. I’d think, ‘What are you doing that for? This is my territory. I’m supposed to do the hitting. Don’t you know I’m better than you?’

“Getting hit by a woman the first time, though, was still much easier for me than was my hitting another woman. I still struggle with it. I have trouble sparring all-out. Of course, the more I spar, the less trouble I have, but I’m still not all that great at just laying into someone, male or female.”

This is quite unlike Diana, who takes her ambitions as far as a “gender-blind” bout with a male boxer she just happens to have fallen in love with.

“In the context of the film it works brilliantly and I loved it–but it’s completely ridiculous,” Sekules says. “There’s no such thing as a ‘gender -blind’ event. It wouldn’t be allowed.

“Besides,” she continues, “I would never get in a ring with my boyfriend.”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Well, he doesn’t box,” Sekules laughs. “So I’m afraid I’d have too great an advantage on him.”

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Ralph Nader

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Later for Nader

Can America afford a closet right-wing moron?

By Stephen Kessler

RALPH NADER’S presidential campaign this year has been a refreshing blast of reality. Nader’s scathing critique of the corporate corruption of American politics has been a vital contribution to the public discourse, casting a cold light into the darker corners of our democracy. His tendency toward self-righteousness has at least been earned through decades of heroic work for the public good; Nader lays no claim to divine endorsement or religious superiority.

With nothing to lose by speaking frankly, he has raised uncomfortable questions about the Democratic Party’s apparent abandonment of some of its traditional values. Most valuable of all, his activist populism has forced Al Gore, a centrist “New Democrat,” sharply to the left–in rhetoric at least–to take up the cause of “working families” and the middle class against the “powerful forces” (big insurance, big oil, big drugs, HMOs) conspiring to steal their money, foul their habitat, wreck their health, and generally sabotage their lives.

It’s possible that this latest Gore is a fraud, that once elected he would forget what he’s said on the campaign trail since the Democratic National Convention and go back to work for his corporate contributors in a business-as-usual joke on the people who voted for him. But Gore, for all his difficulty telling the whole truth and nothing but, strikes me as more sincere and more pragmatic than that; he has the character of a Boy Scout, square and eager to please in a way that would make it hard for him to bail out on his declared principles.

Having pledged to defend the little guy, he would at least feel morally obligated to make an effort in that direction. His liberal pedigree and policy proposals–his willingness to invest the fruits of a healthy economy in programs that would benefit those parts of the population that need the most help–give him a certain amount of credibility.

Unlike Nader, whose opposition to global capitalism is principled but pointless under present circumstances, Gore accepts existing economic realities and wants to make them work more fairly for everyone.

But like Nader, who is comparably short on charisma, Gore is an imperfect candidate, a creature of a system in need of repair.

It could be argued that, having already embarrassed himself to the edge of indictment through various fundraising scandals, Gore is actually in a stronger position than he might otherwise be to work for campaign finance reform. Having publicly acknowledged his own corruption, he’s motivated to correct it. Nader, having never been more than an “outside agitator,” though a very effective one, is both untainted by the system and unproven as someone who can function effectively within it and thereby change it. But beyond their experiential and ideological differences, the major distinction between Nader and Gore is that Gore has a chance of being elected president. The alternative, for those conscious enough to tell the difference between a Democrat and a Republican, is the disturbingly moronic and deviously sinister George W. Bush.

Nader’s claim that the donkeys and elephants are just two faces of the same corporate beast may be useful as an analytical tool, but anyone who thinks Ted Kennedy, Paul Wellstone, John Lewis, and Maxine Waters are politically equivalent to Jesse Helms, Tom DeLay, Dick Armey, and Trent Lott is dangerously deluded. Those on the left, or off the charts, who believe that by voting for Nader–or not voting–and thereby helping elect Bush they are somehow striking a blow for political integrity and against corporate domination of the world will be rudely awakened when the Bush team takes over and proceeds to bankrupt the federal treasury by giving the richest people in the country a trillion dollars in tax breaks that might have gone toward health care, environmental protection, public education, and other investments in the common good.

A Bush presidency would be a great leap backward–just look who his advisers are: mostly his father’s cohorts, tottering relics of a Republicanism that pretended to be “conservative” but ran up record debt and deficits. And even more alarming, look who his closest supporters are: the NRA, the Christian Coalition, the whole suspiciously silent Republican right.

A Bush administration is a nightmare waiting to happen, and the Naderistas are its enablers.

IT’S NO ACCIDENT that Nader’s support comes almost exclusively from white middle-class lefties who have little to lose by turning the government over to the reactionaries. As Jesse Jackson Jr. has pointed out, minorities and the poor are far more dependent on government programs and therefore cannot afford to throw their votes away on a candidate who not only can’t win but would help defeat the one who would work for them. I’m sure they harbor no illusions about Gore, but his credentials are so far superior to Bush’s (or to Nader’s, for that matter, in terms of ability to work with, rather than against, Congress as it currently exists) that the vice president, for all his faults, is unquestionably the preferable candidate.

Were Gore so far ahead in the polls, as Clinton was of Dole in 1996, that a vote for Nader would be a harmless statement of protest, I might be inclined, as I was then, to go that route. But the gravity of the consequences of a Bush victory, and the closeness of the race in these final days, makes clear what the responsible choice is for anyone with democratic instincts.

Supreme Court and federal regulatory appointments, abortion rights, campaign finance, gun control, workers’ rights, the environment, healthcare, Social Security, taxes and their impact on the government’s ability to serve the public–these are all vital issues on which Bush and Gore have serious disagreements, and to which their respective administrations would respond with seriously different policies. To pretend otherwise is an act of political idiocy.

Thanks to Nader, Gore must now put his money where his mouth is and make good on his promise to fight for ordinary people against the depredations of the big boys. Having made an important contribution to the dynamics of the debate, Nader, if he really cares about this country, should urge his supporters to get behind Gore.

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Newsgrinder

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Newsgrinder

Important events as reported by daily newspapers and summarized by Daedalus Howell.

Friday 10.06.00

This month’s Petaluma Post features a photograph of local columnist and peopleologist Bill Soberanes with the Beatles in a “World’s Championship Wristwrestling” insert (another photo of the Fab Four sans Bill adorns the Post‘s cover). The relevance of the photograph’s prominent display is clarified by a terse caption suggesting that John Lennon might have queried ye olde newshound about wrist wrestling. The timely and ever-market-savvy Post (the surviving Beatles just released their collective autobiography, to the delight of fans rabid for Beatle-related coverage) has revived the persistent “Bill is dead” rumor that has repeatedly dogged the reporter’s career despite his regular column in the Argus-Courier and reprints in the Petaluma Post. Other Beatle-related hearsay has it that the foursome refers to Soberanes in their song “Lovely Rita,” in which Paul McCartney croons, “Got the Bill and Rita paid it.” Many believe this is a reference to an oft-cited notion that Soberanes penned many of the Beatles’ hits and was paid for his silence. Among Soberanes’ alleged contributions to the Beatles oeuvre are “With a Little Help from My Friends” and “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey.”

Monday 10.9.00

The Marin Independent Journal reports that the Marin County Sheriff’s Department purchased 26 guns during Marin City’s first anonymous gun buy-back event. Only six of the guns were from Marin City, However, rifles and handguns from all over the county got swapped for $100–cash. Many of the handguns were illegal junk guns, according to Deputy Sheriff Robert Crowley, who did not indicate how citizens maintained anonymity without wearing, say, ski masks or pantyhose on their heads. “[The event] gives people who want to get rid of guns legitimate ways to get rid of them,” said Sgt. Scott Anderson. It also gives those hawking stolen weapons an easy fence. Authorities were mum about whether a methamphetamine buy-back program is in development.

Tuesday 10.10.00

Speaking of low-grade speed, a federal law enforcement vehicle parked in a tony eastside Petaluma neighborhood was burglarized last week, reports the Argus-Courier. The laundry list of stolen items includes one .223-caliber assault rifle, 100 rounds of .223 ammunition, one ballistic vest, one portable two-way radio, law enforcement clothing, one laptop, several duffel bags chock full of law enforcement equipment (handcuffs and a night stick?), and the self-respect of the agent who left the car in East Petaluma. (As Slim Pickens would say, “A guy could have a pretty good time in Vegas with all this stuff.”) Police officers located some of the loot at a nearby creek. However, the assault rifle, ammunition, ballistic vest, radio, clothing, and computer remain with a nocturnal hoodlum in a neighborhood near you. Police did not indicate why the vehicle was parked where it was, though residents living near the 500 block of Albert Way are advised to flush their stashes.

Sunday 10.15.2000

Santa Rosa bail bondsman Tom Doerpinghaus and a burly bounty hunter apprehended Howard B. Johnson, described as a “career con man” (as opposed to a freelancer), in Sonoma County last summer, reports the local daily. The charismatic Johnson was wanted in a half-dozen California counties, as well as in Missouri on a multitude of fraud charges. After his arrest, Johnson conned Doerpinghaus into putting up the $715,000 bail bond to spring him, whereupon he disappeared. Doerpinghaus says the 10 percent fee he would have made on the bond made him greedy. It also made him a contender for the Bohemian‘s Bungler of the Year Award. “Up and down the state, all these sheriff’s office detectives were saying, ‘We need this guy. Get him off the street,’ ” Doerpinghaus said. “I can’t tell you how upset they were when they found out I bailed him and let him get away.” Johnson was recaptured by authorities and is in the Sonoma County Jail–without bail.

Monday 10.16.00

Neighbors of a Union 76 gas station in the Bon Air Shopping Center in Greenbrae oppose the station’s plan to open a mini-mart selling wine and beer, according to the Marin IJ. The owner of the station, Dennis DeCota of Novato, submitted his plan to the Larkspur Planning Department but did not confirm if the new establishment will be called the “Booze ‘n’ Cruise,” “The Bottle ‘n’ the Throttle,” or “DeCota’s Molotov Cocktail Party.” Diane Dresser, a member of the Greenbrae Homeowners Association said, “It is my belief and the feeling of many concerned citizens of Greenbrae that the sale of alcohol and gasoline is a bad mix.” Indeed, one should never mix liquor and gas, or for that matter any other controlled substance and gasoline for fear of hangover.

Tuesday 10.17.00

Slow News Week: The Napa Valley Register staff must be praying for another temblor. The Oct. 17 edition included a handful of car crash stories and this insightful piece on carrots, allegedly tied to, ahem, “a 24-carrot meal.” The story appears not once but twice on the publication’s website. Here’s what you missed: “Consumed by man and beast for at least 2,000 years, the carrot is a sweet, intensely flavored root vegetable whose origin can be traced to Eurasia. A member of the parsley family, the carrot is kissing cousin to the parsnip and fennel bulb, as well as the herbs angelica, cumin and dill. Although wild carrots have been part of man’s diet since ancient times, it was not until the 18th century that a seed house in France began selection and breeding of carrots for vegetable production, settling on the fleshy orange root we enjoy today.”

Try to contain your excitement.

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Armistead Maupin

New Tales

Armistead Maupin puts his own life at the center of ‘The Night Listener’

By Gina Arnold

WHEN PEOPLE the world over picture the city of San Francisco, they think of many things: the Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Victorian houses, earthquakes. Then they people this pretty portrait with a bunch of kooks–drunks, hippies, gays, and liberals. And who can say they’re wrong?

It’s traditional. As far back as 1873, Jules Verne, in a passage in Around the World in Eighty Days, referred to it as “a legendary city of bandits, assassins, and arsonists, who had flocked to the city in search of gold.” Jack London took over duties as chief chronicler of its vices at the turn of the century, while in the ’40s and ’50s, Herb Caen and Jack Kerouac helped turn the place into a hothouse of eccentricity.

Then came the ’70s, and San Francisco’s already wacky reputation turned decidedly pink. It was then that the Castro District’s role as a haven for homosexuals became widely visible–thanks mostly to Armistead Maupin’s Tales of the City, a daily serial that began appearing in the San Francisco Chronicle circa 1976. Any thought city residents might have had of escaping their legacy as a city of fruits and nuts came to an end.

Indeed, it’s hard to exaggerate the effect Maupin’s tales have had on San Francisco’s public relations. His eight books have achieved that rarest of statures–world acclaim–and have remained in print for the past two decades. Three movies have been made of the series, with the result that Maupin’s point of view–witty and trenchant and unabashedly sentimental–has come to color even the city’s perception of itself.

Now Maupin has a new book out, The Night Listener–his first in eight years. The book introduces a new set of characters, but through them it continues to chronicle the City by the Bay as it grapples with new problems.The Night Listener reads like a memoir, and it certainly must be in parts, but it is also–like Tales before it–a real page turner, a perfectly paced mystery of sorts, permeated by Maupin’s patented light touch.

He is, as he himself explains, “kind of like a comedian who can’t use all his best material for fear of losing the audience.” That’s why reading aloud, on his many book tours, is one of his favorite things.

“Bliss,” Maupin calls it, speaking from home just before departing on a book tour of England. (The author makes an appearance in Sebastopol on Saturday, Oct. 21, at an event benefiting Face to Face/Sonoma County AIDS Network.)

The city has undergone some changes in the years since Tales characters had freewheeling sex in gay bars and paid minuscule rents for fabulous apartments in the Marina. But Maupin’s light, dry authorial voice remains the same.

That voice is gentle, courtly, and still touched with the Southern accent. Maupin grew up in Raleigh, N.C,, where his patrician (and very right-wing) father rubbed elbows with the local gentry. After a stint in Vietnam and a job as a TV reporter at a station managed by none other than Jesse Helms, Maupin moved to San Francisco. There he began writing the soon-to-be smash serial that celebrated (among other things) the free and easy gay lifestyle of the Castro District.

Tales chronicled the lives of a group of twenty-something characters on the north side of the city. The protagonist of The Night Listener, however, lives where Maupin does, in a western neighborhood called Woodside that abuts Twin Peaks.

The character, whose name is Gabriel Noone, is a 54-year-old gay man who grew up in the south. He did a stint in Vietnam, worked in TV journalism, and made his name in the ’70s with a serial that celebrated gay life–albeit one that appeared on radio, rather than the newspaper. “I am,” says Noone at the start of the book, ” a fabulist by trade. . . . I’ve spent years looting my life for fiction.”

The sentence inspires one obvious question: Is Gabriel Noone a thinly veiled Armistead Maupin, and if so, how much loot is in here?

“Well, I’m just not going to tell you,” Maupin says. “No, I’m not trying to be coy, but my best material has always arisen from my reactions to actual experiences. On the other hand, I like to manipulate the circumstances and characters to make sense of them: real life is haphazard and tedious and often contradictory. But you step into really uncertain territory when you start trying to unravel the two things. You’ll forgive me if I don’t tell you quite how I do it.

“I’ll say this much,” he adds, referring to several plot points in the book. “I did break up with my partner four years ago, I do have an aristocratic Southern past and an 85-year-old father who still practices law and hobnobs with Jesse Helms.”

So what part of Night Listener is fiction? “I do make some things up out of whole cloth,” he adds. “I just spoke to my sister, who runs a bed and breakfast in New Zealand, and she’d just spent an hour on the phone reassuring my brother that I hadn’t had sex in the cab of a truck in a snowstorm.”

He laughs delightedly. “Of course, in many ways I wish I had!”

Another way he differs from Noone, he adds, is that “I am considerably more confident about my writing abilities than Gabriel is. But confidence isn’t an interesting thing to explore.”

Noone, who suffers from writer’s block in the novel, feels, “as if I’d broken into the Temple of Literature through some unlocked basement window.”

Maupin denies feeling that way–although one can’t help but wonder if he has suffered from the malady in question, since The Night Listener is Maupin’s first book in eight years.

“I’m not a compulsive worker,” he says with an audible shrug. “Also, I like to have a long period of letting my life fill up so I can tap into it for ideas.”

THE NIGHT LISTENER is an updating of the San Francisco zeitgeist–although the two main things that dominate the city’s life right now–i.e., the profusion of dotcom businesses and the soaring price of real estate–are not mentioned herein.

Instead, the novel concerns the effect of AIDS, not just on those who’ve contracted it, but on those who haven’t. Noone’s live-in lover has had AIDS for years, but protease inhibitors have eradicated the virus from his body, a circumstance that alters each man’s attitude toward the other, their relationship, and even toward life itself.

Just before Maupin finished the book, his–‘whatdoyoucall it?” wonders Maupin aloud, “former significant other? business partner? friend? ex-lover?”–Terry Anderson came up with the idea of marketing The Night Listener online, as the first spoken word serial available on the web via streaming audio.

In September, each chapter, read aloud by Maupin, became available for direct downloading on Salon.com. Was the author embarrassed to read the sex scenes aloud? I ask.

Maupin roars with laughter again. “In a single word: YES,” he shouts. “I kept wondering if the engineer could see me blushing behind the panel.”

“But then, I’ve been afflicted by a perennial mild embarrassment my entire life. Sometimes,” he adds, sighing, “I think I’ve deliberately put myself into situations to get past that–because I really believe we should be proud of who we are and what we do. If we aren’t, we shouldn’t be doing them.”

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

The Wide-Eyed Gourmet

Old-Fashioned Can-Do

By Marina Wolf

IN ALL THE HOO-HA about finally tasting Kansas City barbecue (see ), I was in danger of forgetting my whole reason for going there in the first place: the World Championship of Canning, sponsored by Grit magazine. I had sent away for a sample issue and received the one in which they were promoting the championship and soliciting essay entries. Three winning essayists would be flown, all expenses paid, for three days in Topeka, where the magazine’s headquarters are located. There the winners would act as the judging panel for the canning contest.

My mind, it makes great leaps sometimes. I saw the word Kansas, flashed onto

Calvin Trillin’s effusions on the subject of Kansas City (Missouri) barbecue, and entered the contest without thinking twice. Three months later I found myself sitting at a table with 57 assorted jars of preserved foods. With me were the other winners, the dignified old man from Texas who had canned food with his late wife; and the girl from Ohio who made her own goat cheese from her herd of goats and was so into historical re-creation that she wore a mobcap and looked as though she shouldn’t have even believed in airplanes, let alone have boarded one.

You know how a spectrum is really a circle, and the further apart you go, the closer you are to meeting on the other side, like feminists and Bible-thumpers on the subject of pornography? So it was with us judges. I admit I confronted some stereotypes during this contest.

I THOUGHT that America’s heartland boiled its food to death, but listening to my esteemed colleagues on the panel debate about green beans for 10 minutes, I soon learned otherwise.

I mean, I was from California Fresh; the other two were all about homegrown ingredients and down-home country cooking. But if you follow our convictions around to their logical extremes, we met at the inevitable conclusion: flavor and texture are all that count.

Together we rivaled any food reviewer in the country for focus, finickiness, and overall attitude. We sucked air and smacked our lips and took vicious pleasure in ripping to shreds the truly horrid entries: the absurd bread-and-butter pickled jalapeños that weren’t even hot (what’s the point?), the fruit cocktail with the twice-cooked peach segments (buy a can and save yourself the trouble), the jellies that quivered in pallid pools of their own perspiration (like ladies, truly refined jellies don’t sweat).

We shared outrage at the entries that included canned items in the recipes–tomato soup in the vegetable soup, cranberry sauce in the black-pepper cranberry salsa.

Oh, we had our differences, but they weren’t the ones I expected. The faux Amish girl had a peculiar taste for items that had been flavored with Cinnamon Red-Hots, which I felt she, if anyone, should recognize as an abomination unto the Lord. The Texas gentleman was taciturn but firm on the subject of the otherwise outstanding blackberry jam whose prominent seeds knocked it out of the running, in his polite opinion.

I fought in vain for recognition of the nuances in the summer pears, a carefully arranged jar of creamy-white pears that had been touched with a whiff of almond extract. They turned out to be way too subtle for my companions–“They’re kind of quirky,” said the girl diplomatically, while the Texan grunted something about them being “too soft.”

Now, I could have taken those comments personally, but in the interest of furthering cross-cultural communications, I subsided and let the Cinnamon Red-Hot pears win in the fruit category. Hey, I’d had my barbecue.

My duty here was done.

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Culinary Institute of America

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Culinary hitman: Max Duley, kitchen operations director at the CIA, knows his way around a wire whisk.

CIA Coverup

Relax, this is a cooking story about a culinarily challenged food writer in way over her head

By Christina Waters

OBVIOUSLY no notes were taken. My hands were too busy chopping, peeling, charring, slicing, and dicing. But here’s how I remember it. It was one of those great perks of the profession–a chance for an insider glimpse of Greystone, the CIA’s St. Helena campus for culinary higher education. We weren’t just going to visit the West Coast branch of the legendary Culinary Academy of America, we were actually going to make dinner in the great halls of designer-food prep. Alfred Hitchcock would have loved this monstrous estate, the former Christian Brothers winery, with its terraced herb gardens, in-house Wine Spectator restaurant, and up high on the third floor–in a space large enough to host the Olympics–a state-of-the-art kitchen where the great and would-be great chefs of the world come to take refresher courses in trends du jour.

On the day in question I and my 10 media companions (most of whom possessed serious culinary training) had already toured the cooking academy’s organic gardens, lunched too well at Tra Vigne, shopped in the 100-degree heat that coaxes the vineyards toward harvest. And this was before we arrived at 5 p.m. on the dot in the CIA’s 15,000 square feet of European ovens, hearths, and rotisseries, punctuated by granite workstations and enough stainless steel to build a Mercedes for every man, woman, and child in the Bay Area.

Restaurateur John Ash, an avuncular food guru with a mordant wit, met us with encouraging words–“Just ask me if you need anything”–a thick sheaf of recipes, and a wardrobe of regulation whites. We were all required to conform to the kitchen’s dress code. Even though it was still 99 degrees in that cavernous third-floor classroom, we had to wear long pants, long white coats, and those puffy white hats with thick, hot bands tight against our sweaty little foreheads.

It got worse. Wearing all of this gear, and wiped out from the full day of touring and eating (OK, and wine-tasting), we broke into teams and began scavenging ingredients for Ash’s ambitious recipes. We were literally running from station to station, grabbing produce, knives, mixing bowls, pans, and spices, and drinking gallons of spring water the whole time.

Ash may be an all-organic kind of guy (we were all using fabulous fresh produce from the CIA’s garden, as well as tomato products from the organic leader, Muir Glen), but he has the soul of a sadist. The recipe I was responsible for–black bean gazpacho salad–called for no fewer than 20 ingredients to be chopped, roasted, minced, pitted, seeded, drawn, and quartered. When Ash casually added, “Why don’t you double that recipe?” I considered staging a petit mal seizure. As fate would have it, I was assigned to join the only other people in the group who, like me, were culinary idiots. We were three food writers who could barely locate the working end of a toaster.

The next four hours were agony. The pressure grew to science-fiction proportions. We were cooking for trained chefs, using the most expensive equipment on the planet and, ideally, avoiding dismemberment–in the extreme heat–all in a kitchen so well organized that you couldn’t find a damn thing! Since the cooking area is literally the length of a football field, even when we did find the right knife, or more lemons, it took five minutes to get back to our assigned workspaces.

I asked God to send me in-line skates. He refused.

WHY AREN’T there more suicides in the world of chefdom? I pondered this mystery as I began grilling red, yellow, and green jalapeño and serrano peppers over an open fire, while struggling to remove jicama peel, roast four ears of corn, husk a dozen tomatillos–after toasting them–and find something with which to squeeze six stubbornly resistant limes. One by one the peppers hurled themselves off the grill into the extremely expensive gas burners. I retrieved them by means of long, pointed instruments, though my fingers were completely gunked up with sticky, charred pepper skin.

The clock was ticking.

In my delirium of peeling, seeding, and bias-cutting all those muy potente serranos, did I forget the rule about not touching your eyes while handling chile peppers? Duh! Eyes burning, tears streaming down my face, I scraped the blackened skins off 24 peppers and begged for deliverance. It arrived in the confident form of Max Duley, the kitchen’s operations manager and a man who knows his way around a wire whisk. Duley advised me on chopping cilantro in mass quantities while not letting the tomatillos burn–and uttered soothing mantras like “You’re doing fine” and “Only six more cups of cucumbers to mince.”

Was I stressed? Were the finalists on Survivors stressed?

Let’s just say that boot camp would have been a spa compared to this–and yet I could not stop. I couldn’t insist that I’d made a big mistake, put down my knife, and run away very fast from the wayward peppers and half-peeled cukes.

Thank God Ash had simmered the black beans in advance.

Others around me had slipped into that trance zone where only the hands remain functional. But unlike me, they knew what they were doing. They actually appeared to be having fun, as I struggled to keep from cutting off my fingers.

If there was an upside to this fiasco–in addition to some surprisingly edible results–it was getting to play in a kitchen that could have brought Martha Stewart to orgasm. It was beyond well stocked. All those German knives you’ve always coveted but couldn’t afford. They were there. So were Italian serving utensils, an endless supply of mixing bowls, even a pizza oven and tons of clean dish towels. It was total foodie fantasy, but by 9:45 p.m., when we actually finished cooking, we were all too tired to care about anything but the Bonterra organic wine.

Now I know why so few real cooks enjoy eating their own cooking. They’re too wasted. We sat, in stunned silence, like marathon runners whose endorphins have hit overload. I always knew that professional cooks had to have talent. Now I know they also have to be masochists. My night at the CIA was an affair to remember.

But it will not be repeated.

From the October 19-25, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

The North Bay Report

0

Tragedy Averted on Highway 101

PETALUMA A quick-thinking ranch hand became an unlikely hero Sunday when he helped avert tragedy for a family of Wine Country visitors.

San Anselmo resident Lucy Freed was driving her brand new Lincoln Navigator southbound on Highway 101 near the county line after an afternoon of winetasting when she became distracted by activity inside the vehicle. “It seems that her kids, Tiffany and Chad, were fighting about who was going to get the last drink of a wheat-grass smoothie,” California Highway Patrol spokesman Nick Handel reported. “The cup slipped and splattered on the front seat.”

Freed panicked and her vehicle careened into a 1989 Toyota Corolla, forcing the driver–Sandy Bottom, 33, of Graton–into an adjacent pasture. Bottom’s car, leaking gasoline from a ruptured fuel line, came to rest in a steaming mound of manure. Bottom suffered a minor head injury.

Luckily, the alert ranch hand, Simon Licht, saw the accident and rushed to the scene.

“When I got to the vehicle, the air bags had deployed, the children were hysterical, and Mrs. Freed was fit to be tied,” Licht recalled. “I knew just what to do. I went back to my lunch box, grabbed the salt shaker–I always eat a couple of hard-boiled eggs for an afternoon snack–and rubbed it on the upholstery with a damp cloth. That lifts those wheat grass stains in a jiffy.”

CHP Officer Handel praised Licht for his quick action. “Without him,” he said, “the Freed family would be looking at a serious devaluation on the resale of that vehicle.”

Bottom was treated on the scene and released.

“Who the hell’s gonna clean up this mess?” Licht asked. “I’ve got cow shit all over my chrome wheel covers.”

From the October 12-18, 2000 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Open Mic

It's a Library! By Jonah Raskin IN UNDERSTANDING Media , Marshall McLuhan-- "Mr. Mass Media"--persuaded me that we live in the "Information Age," and in deference to McLuhan, I suppose I ought to accept the fact that we now have "Information Centers," including the new Jean and Charles Schulz Information Center at SSU. The...

Molly Giles

New book applies familial angst with a trowel By Yosha Bourgea KAY MCLEOD needs therapy. Her father, Francis, is a successful architect and a world-class alcoholic. Her mother, Ida, has just had her second leg amputated because of gangrene, and she's an alcoholic as well. Kay is married to Neal, a humor-impaired vegetarian...

Millennial Anarchy

Rage Against the Machine The millennium marks the return of anarchy By James MacKinnon OVER THE WIRE comes a report of an anarchist punching a police officer in the face, "repeatedly," during a street protest in Philadelphia. I imagine that little clot of information exploding outward through the endless fractals of...

‘Girlfight’

A female fighter goes a few rounds with 'Girlfight' Writer David Templeton takes interesting people to interesting movies in his ongoing quest for the ultimate post-film conversation. "The very first time I hit a man," recalls Kate Sekules, "it wasn't really very significant. In fact, I can barely remember it. On...

Ralph Nader

Later for Nader Can America afford a closet right-wing moron? By Stephen Kessler RALPH NADER'S presidential campaign this year has been a refreshing blast of reality. Nader's scathing critique of the corporate corruption of American politics has been a vital contribution to the public discourse, casting a cold light...

Newsgrinder

Newsgrinder Important events as reported by daily newspapers and summarized by Daedalus Howell. Friday 10.06.00 This month's Petaluma Post features a photograph of local columnist and peopleologist Bill Soberanes with the Beatles in a "World's Championship Wristwrestling" insert (another photo of the Fab Four sans Bill adorns the Post's cover)....

Armistead Maupin

New Tales Armistead Maupin puts his own life at the center of 'The Night Listener' By Gina Arnold WHEN PEOPLE the world over picture the city of San Francisco, they think of many things: the Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Victorian houses, earthquakes. Then they people this pretty portrait with a bunch...

The Wide-Eyed Gourmet

Old-Fashioned Can-Do By Marina Wolf IN ALL THE HOO-HA about finally tasting Kansas City barbecue (see ), I was in danger of forgetting my whole reason for going there in the first place: the World Championship of Canning, sponsored by Grit magazine. I had sent away for a sample issue and received the one in...

Culinary Institute of America

Culinary hitman: Max Duley, kitchen operations director at the CIA, knows his way around a wire whisk. CIA Coverup Relax, this is a cooking story about a culinarily challenged food writer in way over her head By Christina Waters OBVIOUSLY no notes were taken. My hands...

The North Bay Report

Tragedy Averted on Highway 101 PETALUMA A quick-thinking ranch hand became an unlikely hero Sunday when he helped avert tragedy for a family of Wine Country visitors. San Anselmo resident Lucy Freed was driving her brand new Lincoln Navigator southbound on Highway 101 near the county line after an afternoon of winetasting when...
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