Mike Reiss

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Laughing Stock

Mike Reiss explores brave new worlds of satire

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A LITTLE OLD lady once told animator Chuck Jones that she didn’t see why Bugs Bunny needed writers when the rabbit was funny enough as he was. I’d be surprised if writers for The Simpsons don’t hear the same thing.

Mike Reiss is a writer/producer on The Only Show That Matters, and he’s coming to Sonoma State University on May 15 to discuss how to write for television. Though, as he says, “why would you want to?”

Reiss’ long career in comedy stretches through three different media. In the early 1980s, Reiss was a writer on the dangerously funny satirical magazine National Lampoon. From there he helped script such programs as The Larry Sanders Show and ALF.

Did writing for ALF entail watching Jerry Stahl shoot up? (Ex-ALF writer Stahl’s book Permanent Midnight recounted his heroin use on a thinly veiled version of that puppet show).

“Believe me, you had more to do with the writing for ALF than that man did,” Reiss told me. “Stahl wrote two very bad freelance scripts, and the first script was rewritten from top to bottom.”

In addition to his TV jobs, Reiss is also a dotcommer. He wrote a capital piece of Simpsonsesque jackassery on icebox.com: , chronicling the boozy misadventures of Honest Abe. This scurrilous Internet cartoon was democracy at its best: let there be no man in this country too great to be hauled through the mud.

“I actually studied up, ” Reiss says. “Lincoln was quite a character. Clinton-like. Not as amoral, but a devilish politician. One episode was close to history–Lincoln actually took Frederick Douglass to the theater and said a lot of tactless, terribly patronizing things about black people.”

In Reiss’ version, Lincoln tries to ingratiate himself with Douglass, the famous black abolitionist, by talking like a nigga: “Go OJ on that bee-at-tch!” he yells at John Wilkes Booth doing a performance of Othello.

Reiss seems to prefer his other icebox.com feature, Queer Duck, featuring a fey mallard (soon to be roosting at show.com with his funny animal friends Oscar Wildecat and Openly Gator).

Though straight himself, Reiss wanted to do a gay sitcom because he’d heard that HBO’s Sex in the City had a core audience of gay men who enjoyed pretending that the heroines were all really drag queens. (They aren’t?) Queer Duck was icebox.com’s first and only hit before it folded, a victim of the Internet bust.

I was rabid to find out how The Simpsons is concocted, but Reiss assured me it was a boring story.

“Nobody’s really interested in the nuts and bolts of it,” he says. “These lectures of mine used to be pure information, and now they’re pure entertainment. I guarantee you’ll laugh for an hour and won’t learn a thing.”

Writing, Reiss explains, is just a job–and a job done very quickly.

“Someone will have an idea, it’s rewritten collectively by about eight people, and given eight different rewrites,” he says. “We go meticulously over line after line. The staff’s very affable. However, you do need to get used to the idea that nine out of 10 gags will not be used, so never be wedded to a joke. I

“f someone’s turned in a great script, maybe 60 percent of it will make it to the show.”

Reiss says the biggest challenge in working on The Simpsons is the search for new story ideas. After all, the show has been on the air for 12 seasons.

“We do get complaints that the newest episodes are weird, but we’ve done all the normal premises already,” he says. “You have the constant question of what do you do with Bart, who’s done everything a 10-year-old boy can do, including working in a brothel.”

The common remark made about The Simpsons writers is that they were more like Lisa than Bart as kids. Reiss agrees: “Half the staff are Harvard people,” he says.

The cerebral humor of these Ivy Leaguers (Reiss edited the Harvard Lampoon) turns up in a composty mix with slapstick. Thus Homer’s recent tangle with a frenzied badger might be back to back with satires of esoteric movies like Run Lola Run and Go.

“The show would be a dismal flop if the audience was nothing but people tuning in for the smart satire,” Reiss says. “We’re guaranteed an audience because of the kids.”

That was the case, too, with a show Reiss created called The Critic, which was not a success.

“Whether ABC or Fox broadcast it, it was moved all over the TV schedule,” Reiss explains. “But wherever it was moved, it was the No. 1 show with kids because they watch cartoons.”

Reiss seems like a remarkably happy man, considering that he once endured writing for Johnny Carson.

“When I got that job,” Reiss remembers, “I was told that everyone was routinely fired after three months. I made it 18 months, and then got fired. It was like working for an insurance company. You had a quota of 60 jokes a day. At the end of the day, you were a spent, serious man.”

As hard-boiled fans might have guessed, the grim office life in the “Itchy and Scratchy” headquarters on The Simpsons is actually based on a TV writer’s life. “Those scenes are our only indulgences as writers, ” Reiss says.

His own experience in TV is mirrored in Krusty the Klown’s frequent battle with executives, laced with made-up Yiddish profanity: “them and their farkakta ‘network notes!’ . . . I don’t need 12 suits telling me which way to pee!”

In real life, these were exactly the kind of situations that drove Reiss out of TV writing. His last project before he quit was to create and develop a show called Teen Angel for ABC.

“It was getting worse all the time.” Reiss said. “There were 11 network people, and they all had to have their input on the script. When it was finally broadcast, I couldn’t stand to watch it.”

But Reiss is staying with The Simpsons. The show has signed on its cast for another three years.

Whether it’s going uphill or downhill or in both directions at once, The Simpsons is still the funniest show in the history of TV–and a collective work of art in which Mike Reiss continues to participate.

Mike Reiss speaks on Tuesday, May 15, at 7 p.m. at Sonoma State University’s Person Theater, 1801 E. Cotati Ave., Rohnert Park. Tickets are $10, with discounts for SSU students. For details, call 707/664-2382.

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

John Hockenberry

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Write Stuff

John Hockenberry is on a roll

THERE SHOULD be a law against multitalented people. If one person weren’t allowed to be so brilliant in so many different things, then maybe there’d be enough talent left over for the rest of us. Take John Hockenberry.

As the original host of NPR’s groundbreaking Talk of the Nation show, Hockenberry inarguably ruled the public radio roost for several years. When he ditched NPR to ply his journalistic trade in new ways–as NBC-TV Dateline correspondent, as reporter on ABC-TV’s Day One news magazine, as the host of MSNBC’s prime-time, self-titled cable news show Hockenberry–he proved himself again and again, racking up a mantle full of awards, including three Emmys and two Peabodys. Then he wrote a bestselling book–Moving Violations: War Zones, Wheelchairs, and Declarations of Independence–and showed himself to be a damn fine memoirist as well.

So now the guy comes out with a novel–a fast-paced nail-biter about murder, water rights, Indian culture wars, right-wing militias, nuclear terrorists, marine biology, and geological destiny–and damned if it isn’t just as well done and thought-provoking as his previous ventures. Yes, with the release of A River out of Eden (Doubleday; $24.95), we are forced to acknowledge that as a novelist, Hockenberry rocks.

“I deliberately wanted to not do something that was related to my other work,” he says–contacted by phone at his office in New York–admitting that he is no fan of what he calls “these thinly disguised autobiographical journalist-as-central-character books.” Instead, Hockenberry used his reporter’s skills in assembling the details that support his tale of half-Indian marine biologist Francine Smohalla and her investigation of a string of murders along the Columbia River, killings that might precipitate a cataclysmic event foretold in Indian prophecy: the destruction of the vast dam system that buried the once Eden-like Celilo Falls beneath a million gallons of water. Meticulously researched right down to the geological events that created the Columbia Basin 15,000 years ago, the book needs no reporter character but its author.

“If there is a place for me, as journalist, in the book,” Hockenberry says, “it’s in those details.”

FOR HOCKENBERRY, the book began 20 years ago with an eye-opening practical joke, when an elderly Indian man told him about the beauty of the Celilo Falls and then sent him to find it, pinpointing the exact location on a map. When he tried to go there, Hockenberry realized that the dams had obliterated the falls long ago.

“The other important part was the old Indian prophecy called Coyote Frees the Fishes,” he explains, describing the story of how Coyote finds that all the salmon are being kept behind a dam, guarded by a woman. Coyote destroys the dam, freeing the fishes and returning the river to the Indian people. “For me, that prophecy and that ancient geology were just dying to come together in some way,” he says. “God forbid that such a flood would happen, but when I was out in the Pacific Northwest, reporting on some of these water-rights issues, I saw a gleam in the eyes of almost everyone I interviewed along the river, particularly the Indians, who dream of a river like the one before the dams.

“People do root for the apocalypse,” he continues. “People want it. And it’s not because they’re evil people, they don’t all have to be Timothy McVeighs–though I’ve got one of those in my book–but people do have somewhere in their gut, this feeling, this thought. ‘Let’s just throw the marbles in the air and see how they come down.’

“I don’t know where that comes from,” Hockenberry says, “but as a reporter and a novelist, I think it’s an incredibly fascinating thing.”

John Hockenberry reads from his new novel Friday, May 11, at 7:30 p.m., at the First Congregational Church, 252 W. Spain St., Sonoma ($7) and Saturday, May 12, at 5 p.m. at Book Passage, 51 Tamal Vista Plaza, Corte Madera (free).

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Bob Dylan

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Dylan Revisited

At 60, Bob Dylan remains unstoppable

By Stephen Kessler

“NEVER MAKE your muse your mistress,” the poet Kirby Doyle once counseled me. He meant, I’ve since learned, that when the one whose soul most closely rhymes with your own is near at hand, inspiring as her presence might be, that’s nothing compared to the way her absence can move the imagination. As anyone knows who’s ever written a love letter, distance amplifies inspiration. This is one of the cruelest paradoxes of creativity: the experience that comes closest to destroying you–say, the loss of your lover–is often the one that transports your art to its greatest depths and heights. Your loss proves, perversely, to be your gain.

Given the choice, it’s a twist of fate not everyone would bargain for.

When Bob Dylan’s marriage was breaking apart in the mid-1970s, that devastating event occasioned one of his greatest albums, 1975’s Blood on the Tracks, an artistic turning point. It would be stupid to assume that anything Dylan has written is strictly autobiographical–he is, after all, the most elusive and unreliable of narrators, and even as heartfelt a work as that one is full of richly ambiguous invention. But the missing muse of his most recent disillusioned love songs bears an archetypal resemblance to the real-life mate he was losing back then. Just as the albums he recorded in the late 1960s and early 1970s, when he was settling down and starting a family–earlier records like John Wesley Harding, Nashville Skyline, New Morning, Planet Waves, and even parts of Blonde on Blonde–contain some of the lightest, happiest sounds he’s ever made, the songs and albums since then have turned increasingly darker, heavier, and more desperate.

Having listened pretty closely to most of his work for nearly 40 years, my intuitive sense is that only one person could have caused the pain he has chronicled recurrently over the last decade. It sounds to me like the same “shooting star” who left him tangled up in blue more than 25 years ago. Ex-wife Sara? Perhaps. Not that it really matters; the songs themselves have an independent existence. But only a loss of enormous proportions could inspire such consistently compelling and miserable yet somehow triumphant art. The indestructible minstrel–who turns 60 on May 24–appears to have taken his personal tragedy and wrung its neck.

Not that he’s ever had any shortage of girlfriends–before, during, or after his legendary marriage. As reported in Down the Highway: The Life of Bob Dylan (Grove Press), a new biography by Howard Sounes, the singer’s personal magnetism has always been irresistible to women, and his desire for female companionship insatiable. A map of his love life would look like a Jackson Pollock painting. Yet there remains, in most of his music of the past 10 years or so, that nagging note of desolation, if not outright despair. How he turns such bitter feelings into such extraordinary songs is a mystery, but there are clues for the attentive listener.

The philosophical instrument of this transformation is a deadly dark, no-nonsense irony. Even, or maybe especially, at his most gloomy, Dylan is funnier than most comedians. The black comedy of his best writing–abundantly evident in “Things Have Changed,” his rocking, Oscar-winning dirge from Wonder Boys–manages to twist the grimmest revelations of woe and hopelessness (“Standin’ on the gallows with my head in the noose”) into a perverse form of affirmation. “All the truth in the world” may, as the singer grumbles, add up to “one big lie,” but the recognition of this hard-to-stomach fact is curiously consoling when set to a biting lyric, a catchy tune, and a driving beat that makes you feel like dancing.

Just as the musical beauty and imaginative richness of such classic bad trips as “Desolation Row” and “Visions of Johanna” somehow transcend the creepiness of what they depict, so “Things Have Changed” and most of the songs on the much-acclaimed 1997 album Time out of Mind both sink the heart and lift it at the same time.

AGED as he obviously is–Dylan’s latest face revealing the ravages of four decades of practically nonstop traveling–it’s still not easy to believe he can be that old. That he’s managed to last this long is an accomplishment not even an astrologer could explain. His astonishing rise in the early 1960s from scruffy coffeehouse folksinger to international rock-and-roll demigod between the ages of 19 and 25; the mysterious motorcycle spill that turned him into a phantom for a while; his tireless touring; his two (yes, two) divorces; tobacco and drug and alcohol abuse; relentless harassment by deranged fans; legal struggles with various managers and execs and associates; an exotic cardiac infection that could have killed him; the grueling demands of a fame so monumental as to render him almost mythic–such an itinerary would be (and has been) enough to finish off many lesser mortals.

But Dylan is nothing if not tough. He has tenaciously persisted, through his whole roller-coaster career (people have written him off at various stages as a sellout, a crackpot, a crank, a has-been, and worse), in being unmistakably nobody but himself. He has, to paraphrase Faulkner’s Nobel speech, not only endured but prevailed.

Using a voice that began as a nasally rasp and has deepened over the years into a sort of gravelly wheeze seasoned with the fatalistic wisdom of a million cigarettes smoked all alone as the sun goes down, the man has improbably made himself into one of the most soulful singers since Billie Holiday. Like Lady Day, he seldom sings the same song the same way twice–changing arrangements, styles, rhythms, melodies, and even lyrics for the sake of keeping old material fresh–and through an uncanny sense of timing, phrasing, and intonation is able to convey feelings and insights most of us could hardly bear to face without such consummate artistic intervention.

Dylan has often said that he doesn’t really write his songs, he just kind of copies them down as dictated from some other source, most likely God. He has the musical instinct of a mockingbird, able to imitate and adapt for his own use practically anything he hears. He works on the fly and by ear–he neither reads nor writes music–often not even letting his backup musicians know in advance where a song is going. He’s a strong and distinctive pianist, as can be heard on any number of songs where the person pounding out those mournful chords could be no one else. He’s also an expressive if technically primitive harmonica player. A first-rate folk and blues guitarist since the beginning (his debut album in 1962, Bob Dylan, displayed a driven energy whose intensity still startles), his skills as a musician have only increased over 40 years of practice.

On the old-school blues and folk albums he recorded in the early 1990s, Good As I Been to You and World Gone Wrong–both loaded with traditional songs from diverse sources recounting classic tales of lust, deceit, betrayal, murder, and other unsettling revelations of human nature–Dylan, unaccompanied, revisits his roots with a ferocity that has grown more powerful and resonant with age. He seems to be channeling ancient spirits as he takes the material and makes it, through the forceful personal truth of his playing and singing, both timeless and up to the minute.

That same connection with ancient forces has always suffused his original songs with a sense of history, hard experience, and existential authority. My father, who had hustled his way into the upper middle class from the scrappy streets of Depression-era Seattle, was no fan of rock and roll, but one afternoon around 1967 when I was home from college he came into my room while I was playing Highway 61 Revisited (another contender for greatest Dylan album) and, after listening to a few verses of “Just Like Tom Thumb’s Blues,” declared, nodding toward the speakers, “He knows life.”

IT’S STRANGE the way you can reach at random into almost any period of Dylan’s far-ranging career and find a song that seems to have been around forever as part of our common patrimony. The artist embodies what T. S. Eliot was talking about in his essay on “Tradition and the Individual Talent”: a profound immersion in the canonical repertory that proves to be an endless source of originality. From biblical hymns to carnival music, bordello boogie-woogie to baby lullabies, Hank Williams to Little Richard, Odetta to Buddy Holly, Stephen Foster to John Lee Hooker, Mississippi John Hurt to Bill Monroe, Frank Sinatra to Robert Johnson, Elvis Presley to Woody Guthrie, Dylan’s deep knowledge of virtually every American folk and pop tradition gives him an unmatched breadth of creative resources that have never ceased to feed his genius.

The “protest” singer of the early 1960s who broke through the innocuous complacency of the Top 40 to become some kind of cultural prophet and “voice of his generation” outgrew that role in a hurry and has been fleeing it ever since. As Sounes documents in his well-researched book, Dylan was never especially political, even though he caught the spirit of the civil rights movement in a few iconic songs. If you listen to an album like The Times They Are a-Changin’ (1964), you find that the title song as well as others, like “When the Ship Comes In” and “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll,” may have been timely at the time but are still right up to date and universal.

Later, even such a topical song as “Hurricane,” written explicitly to make a case for the exoneration of wrongly convicted boxer Rubin Carter, holds up because it’s such a well-wrought piece of musical journalism. The operative word is musical; it’s Dylan’s lyric gifts and commitment to music rather than social reform that give his “political” songs their lasting power.

As Allen Ginsberg astutely observed in one of his late poems, “Dylan is about the Individual against the whole of creation.” He often writes and sings as if to himself, giving his songs an inwardness that speaks to others at an intimate level; that’s why so many people feel they have a personal relationship with him.

Greil Marcus, another insightful Dylan commentator, noted in his book Invisible Republic that Dylan’s crime against the folkies when he “went electric” at Newport in 1965 was not so much just plugging in but, what was more radical, having the nerve to speak for himself as an individual artist rather than for the collective. His refusal to be a “spokesman” was and is a mark of his integrity. Leadership was the last thing he was looking for–except perhaps in a creative sense, always trying to stay several steps ahead of the competition.

The fact is, his nastiest, most spiteful songs, from “Like a Rolling Stone” to “Idiot Wind,” are equally if not more persuasive than those idealistic anthems that made him a poster boy for Justice.

And yet, true to his own contradictions, the man has always, even at his most surreal and nonsensical, remained some kind of moralist. In his search for spiritual truth he has found clear choices between right and wrong–or perhaps more accurately, between integrity and hypocrisy–or as yet another choice, between clarity and muddleheadedness, which can lead one to be deceived by worldly appearances.

When he was at his most self-righteous, during the period of his conversion to Christianity, his music remained unscathed despite its evangelical intent. Slow Train Coming and Shot of Love are among his most underrated albums. Easily the best of his four concerts that I’ve attended was the all-gospel show he and his troupe performed at the Warfield Theater in San Francisco in 1979. The band absolutely rocked in a way that, if you had faith or were looking for religion, might have put you over the top. If not, and if all you were listening for was a message, you might have found that concert extremely irritating. But Dylan has never been afraid to piss people off, and he’s often at his best when most obnoxious.

Nearly 20 years later, long after his Christian phase had fizzled, there was the interesting spectacle of Bob Dylan pimping for the pope by doing a gig at the Vatican, with the pontiff, after the performance, riffing in his sermon on “Blowin’ in the Wind” as a call for the world’s youth to embrace Catholicism. Surely that incident must have left even the most dedicated Dylanologists scratching their heads. My theory, more or less confirmed by Sounes in Down the Highway, is that Dylan did it for the money.

IN ANY CASE it’s been a long and twisted road from “Come gather ’round, people . . . the times they are a changin’ ” to “I used to care but things have changed.” The river connecting these very different psychic landscapes is change itself. (As the man says, “Lotta water under the bridge, lotta other stuff too.”) Change, and the pesky specter of paradox: “The first one now will later be last,” fair enough; but at a far more intimate and vexing level, “I’m in love with a woman that don’t even appeal to me.” Or, worse yet: “I’ve been tryin’ to get as far away from myself as I can.”

Such gallows-Zen double-whammies are what charge Dylan’s most recent work with its extraordinary philosophical zest despite its undeniably disturbing undercurrents. The bitter lucidity of a song like “Not Dark Yet” (on Time out of Mind) displays a bleak wisdom as bracing in its honesty, as beautiful and spookily exhilarating as anything he’s ever written.

The excellence of the music, as always, is instrumental in lifting the heaviness of both “Things Have Changed” and Time out of Mind into a transcendent sphere, but without their intellectual engagement with an Ecclesiastes-like “vanity of vanities,” the songs would never soar as they do. Dylan’s willingness to wrestle in public with his own suffering–what he has called “the dread realities of life”–his courage in revealing the depths of his inner journey, is what continues to set him apart from other pop-culture stars and in the process endear him to his listeners.

One of the most notable aspects of his evolution as he proceeds to endure his fate as a public figure is the apparent emergence of a true humility even as his stature grows. Anyone alive in the 1960s remembers the cocky rock star of Don’t Look Back, D. A. Pennebaker’s great documentary, where the 24-year-old Dylan is exposed as so arrogantly brilliant that he appears to enjoy shredding the psyche of any Mr. Jones insufficiently hip to dig what’s happening. Thirty-six years later he may still have no patience for fools, but he has learned to accept the official symptoms of respectability: the raft of honors and prizes, the Grammys, the Oscar, the Kennedy Center medal, and numerous other lifetime achievement awards.

Graciously receiving such accolades, the artist, by now a grandfather, seems almost abashed, embarrassed by his success and as grateful for the recognition as any other mortal would be. In his slightly uneasy pleasure as an object of mass love, Dylan reveals a winning insecurity and a deep humanity that only makes him more likable–especially after the unhappy endings that haunt so many of his songs.

Which brings us back to the blues, and that rhymes with muse. The lost lover, whether an actual person or an idealization of multiple romantic catastrophes, has implanted an ache in the singer’s soul that literally keeps him going (“It doesn’t matter where I go anymore, I just go”). The blues: bedrock of Bob Dylan’s musical road; hard but self-sustaining way of life; consolation for the wounds of love; safety valve for the inconsolable grief that might otherwise smother the spirit; lifter of the heart that refuses to concede defeat.

A lonesome death awaits us all, but meanwhile the poet writes, the composer composes, the musician plays, the singer sings, the entertainer tours. “I’m mortified to be on the stage,” he’s said, “but then again, it’s the only place where I’m happy.”

Stephen Kessler is a poet whose most recent book is ‘After Modigliani.’

He resides in Gualala.

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Carneros at the Lodge

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The grape is king: Executive chef Brian Whitmer is doing some great things at the newly opened Carneros restaurant, offering terrific wines and intriguing dishes.

Wine & Dine

Carneros serves up artisan-inspired fare

By Paula Harris

JUST ACROSS the street from Sonoma’s kid’s haven on Broadway–AKA Train Town–a grand new resort has sprung up in recent weeks. It’s hard to miss the new mission-style Lodge at Sonoma, owned by Renaissance Hotels, with its imposing courtyard complete with oversize fountain and enormous Canary Island date palms.

The facility is going coifed head-to-head with nearby millionaire and celeb hangout the Sonoma Mission Inn and Spa. This newest facility boasts a 182-room hotel, a natural mineral water spa called Raindance, and a restaurant called Carneros.

The airy restaurant is filled with French glass doors and pale neutral tones. It’s upscale without being stuffy.

The staff all flit about in semi-shiny copper-colored shirts. Not an entirely popular uniform choice, it seems. “Hey, I like your shirt,” we hear one diner gush to her waiter. “Yeah, I’m going to be dealing blackjack after work,” he dryly responds. Oh, well, can’t win ’em all.

Service is a little hit and miss. Our waiter forgets several items. The service low point comes when our ravenous companion is served his Liberty duck breast with toasted faro and pistachio pilaf with beet sauce (a $20 plate). The promised duck dinner arrives–three measly slices of meat. “Where’s the rest of it?” asks our disappointed companion. “It flew away” is the tart comment from our waiter (and not the blackjack guy, either, another fellow).

Hey, maybe the metallic shirts are getting to them.

Other dishes are more successful. An appetizer of wood-fired mussels with caggiano sausage, elephant garlic, and saffron-lobster tomato sauce ($9.50) is delicious, with just a touch of spice from the sausage.

We rave over the seared foie gras ($14), a meltingly rich slab accompanied by sweetish roasted pear, blackberry-zinfandel gastrique, and warm brioche.

A fresh-tasting golden and red beet salad ($9.50), containing fennel, wild greens, and toasted pine nuts, is good–although we think the dish is quite pricy.

Also in the wallet-busting leagues is the wood-oven-roasted whole fish for one with baby artichokes and fingerling potatoes. The menu lists market price, but both times we’ve asked, the plate is $30 (for one, remember!). This evening they’re serving roasted tai snapper, which looks and smells wonderful, but we pass.

The rotisserie chicken ($19) is very succulent and tasty, but, like the duck dish, is on the small side. It’s served with comforting crème fraîche potato purée, local baby vegetables, and herb jus.

And a grilled pork chop ($21) is perfectly cooked, arriving with a flavorful potato-chive latke, braised chard, and a little bite of green apple relish.

Carneros (yet another grape/wine varietal/terroir-inspired restaurant name) not surprisingly boasts a comprehensive wine list, with several very good offerings (such as the terrific Mayo Family chardonnay) by the glass.

For dessert, the Tahitian vanilla crème brûlée with fragrant herbs ($7) is creamy and dreamy–and almost the best part are the two little accompanying lemon drop cookies. But the rhubarb-filled turnovers with minted strawberry salad ($7) fare less well because the pastry is too dense and overpowering.

As we leave at the end of the evening, several servers are congregating near the door like a handful of shiny new pennies.

We imagine they’re discussing how quickly they can lose the shirts.

Carneros at the Lodge Address: 1325 Broadway, Sonoma; 707/935-6600 Hours: Breakfast, 7 to 11:30 a.m.; lunch, 11:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.; and dinner, 5:30 to 10 p.m., daily Food: Wine country cuisine Service: Variable Ambiance: Serene decor, but can be busy Price: Expensive Wine list: Expansive selection Overall: 2 1/2 stars (out of 4)

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Wide-Eyed Gourmet

Tight as a Clam

Unspoken veneration of my mother

By Marina Wolf

ON THE EVE of Mother’s Day, I want to confess some things about my mom and me. For a long time–pretty much from age 10 on–I had no patience with her cooking. Even at an early age I thought, “There must be something better than this,” something better than overcooked liver and underdone meatloaf (ketchup being the crude antidote in both cases).

Later, as I ventured out into the world and found that there were, indeed, many things better than that, I found a strange satisfaction in taking her and my father out to eat from time to time. I used to feel quietly smug watching them stare with incomprehension at the menus of “California cooking” or Thai food. I encouraged my mother to try new things, but only as a way of spotlighting her ignorance. And when she ate something I recommended and liked it, my heart swelled with a condescending pride.

But I stopped taking enjoyment in this whole game about a year ago, when I was visiting home on a business trip and invited my mother out to lunch. Please understand that my family doesn’t “do” lunch; they eat it, at home, off of cut-rate sandwich bread. But this was an expense-account lunch, and I could not resist the opportunity, once again, to show off.

Wanting to see what food she dreamed of, I urged my mother to pick a place that she always wanted to go to. When she chose a theme-burger establishment, the kind of place where every sandwich has a pop-culture hook, I could barely stifle a smirk. I ordered a burger and expected her to follow suit, with her usual shy “the same, please.”

Instead she closed the menu and looked up at the waitress. “I’ll have the clam strips.”

I looked at her. “The clam strips.”

“Yes,” she said, fiddling nervously with the straw in her root beer after the waitress walked off. “I’ve never had them before.”

At the time, I didn’t appreciate that this was a food choice that she had made all on her own, that I had not coached her, that this might be a first in my mother’s life. Instead, I focused all my attention on my mother’s thoughtless wanderings into the realm of deep-fried danger, drawing upon all my powers as a food writer and reader to quote countless literary references to clam strips, none of them complimentary. I suggested that deep-fried anything in this restaurant would come to a bad end. I even tried to frighten her with tales of the mutant clams that were set aside just for this purpose. But she resisted with a vigor that surprised me.

When the basketful of spindly-looking deep-fried strands arrived, my mom eagerly picked one up and tried it. Then another, and another. I watched her closely, but could tell no sign of extreme feeling either way. Unable to restrain my curiosity, I reached out, picked out one of the plumper specimens, and took a bite.

It was awful. Rubbery, grease-soaked, and flavorless. “Do you like it?” I asked doubtfully.

“Oh, yes,” she said, averting her eyes. “They’re fine.”

“No, they’re not,” I insisted. “You don’t have to eat this. Let’s get you a salad.”

But even after the sulky waitress went back to the kitchen with a replacement order, my mother persisted in eating the clam strips. She carefully dipped them into her little plastic cup of marinara sauce and ate them quickly.

AS I WATCHED, it hit me: Here she had taken a risk, and was determined to live with the consequence. Her postmodern daughter had urged her into recklessness, but her post-World War II upbringing would not let her waste food. And years of feeding ungrateful kids all the food in the pan, while she got the the scraps, had left her unable to stand up and say that she deserved better.

I wanted to jump up and hug her and tell her that she didn’t have to eat it if she didn’t want to. But I knew that she wouldn’t stop. And so I sat there and poked at my cold burger, and tried not to cry.

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Bush vs. Gore

0

Moore or Less

George hasn’t done anything Al wouldn’t have

By Michael Moore

WELL, 101 DAYS into the Junta and the fear mongers are having a heyday, aren’t they? Even good liberals and Democrats have joined in the mantra. To listen to them, you’d think George W. Bush had opened the gates of hell and unleashed the legions of Satan upon the American people.

These good people actually believe that Jr. has given the go-ahead to put the arsenic back in the water, spew massive CO2 emissions into the air, tear up our national forests, and rape the Alaskan wilderness. With all the fury that has been whipped up, I’m sure any minute we’ll also hear that Baby Face Bush recently held up a 7-Eleven in Denver, and now plans to release bubonic plague into the atmosphere over Ohio.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s no doubt that this illegal squatter in the Oval Office is not to be trusted farther than you can throw Katherine Harris. But, please, let’s cut the crap and tell the truth: George W. Bush has done little more than continue the policies of the last eight years of the Clinton/Gore administration. As hard as that is for many to swallow, that is the truth–and the sooner you stop the scare campaign, the sooner we’ll be able to fight Bush in a way that will stop him for good.

For eight long years, Clinton/Gore resisted all efforts to reduce the carbon dioxide in the air and the arsenic in the water. Just last October, Senate Democratic leader Tom Daschle and 16 other Democrats successfully led the way to stop any reduction of arsenic in the water. Why? Because Clinton and the Democrats were beholden to the very industries who had financed their campaigns–and who were responsible for high levels of arsenic in the water.

On top of that, Clinton/Gore became the first administration in 20 years not to demand higher fuel efficiency standards from Detroit. Millions of barrels of oil that did not need to be refined and spewed out into our air were guzzled unnecessarily. It wasn’t that way under Reagan. His administration ordered that cars had to get more miles per gallon. Under Bush I, the standards were made even stricter. Under Clinton–zip. Nothing. How many more people will die from cancer, how much faster will global warming be sped up thanks to Bill and Al being in cahoots with one of their chief patrons, the top lobbyist for the Big 3 auto companies–Mr. Andrew Card, currently the chief of staff for the man occupying the federal land at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

Am I the only one who remembers one of the most lavish inaugural parties thrown for Clinton after his election? The host: General Motors and its man-about-town in DC, Andrew Card.

YES, THERE IS a difference between the Democrats and the Republicans. The Democrats say one thing (“Save the planet!”), and then do another, quietly and behind the scenes with all the bastards who make this world a dirtier place. The Republicans just come right out and give the bastards a corner office in the West Wing. In some ways, maybe it’s better we see the evil out in the open rather than covered up in a liberal sheep’s clothing that seems to fool a lot of people.

Clinton waited until the final days of his presidency to suddenly sign a number of presidential decrees and regulations to improve our environment and create safer working conditions. It was the ultimate cynical move. Wait ’til the last 48 hours of your term to finally do the right thing so that your “legacy” will be improved. Every one of these regulations Bush has “overturned” was signed by Clinton in December and January. And that’s all he did–sign worthless pieces of paper.

Do you believe Clinton removed the arsenic from the water? Not only did he NOT do that, not only did he make us drink arsenic-laced water for the last eight years, this order he signed stipulated that the arsenic was not to be removed from the water “until 2004.” That’s right. Look it up. Clinton’s big environmental do-good act in the last minutes of his term guaranteed that we would be drinking the same levels of arsenic we’ve been drinking since 1942–the last time a real Democrat had the guts to stand up to the mining interests and reduce the levels of this poison. The Canadians and Europeans did it long ago. Clinton made it official that we would all be drinking arsenic during the entire Bush administration. Maybe he was doing us a favor.

And how about those CO2 emission regulations that Bush II overturned? Did I say “overturn?” Overturn what? All Bush did was maintain the Clinton status quo. He said, in essence, “I’m going to pollute the air at the very same levels Clinton did during his entire eight years, just as you are going to drink the same arsenic in the water under my watch as you did under Clinton’s.”

And, like the built-in three-year delay in his arsenic reductions, Clinton’s orders on the toxic emissions in his last days specified that they were not to be totally reduced ‘”until 2008, per the Kyoto agreement.” So, after violating the Kyoto accords he had signed by doing nothing about CO2 in the past few years, he then tries to look good by doing nothing about CO2 for another seven years! So the air that was dirty is still dirty and will remain dirty, just as Clinton had ordered.

THE LIST GOES ON and on. For eight years Clinton did nothing about carpal tunnel syndrome as it relates to OSHA regulations. Then, in the middle of pardoning some rich guys during his all-night kegger on Jan. 19, he decides to finally do some good for all those women who sit at keyboards all day and who, with their crippled hands, went to the polls twice to make him their president.

Friends, you are being misled and hoodwinked by a bunch of professional “liberals” who did nothing themselves for eight years to clean up these messes–and now all they can do is attack people like Ralph Nader who has devoted his entire life to every single one of these issues. What unmitigated gall! They blame Nader for giving us Bush? I blame them for being Bush! They suck off the same corporate teat and they support stuff like NAFTA, which, according to the Sierra Club, has doubled the pollution along the Mexican border where the American factories have moved. And then they wring their hands over Bush and his “reversals”! Where is Orwell when we need him? How much slicker can the doublespeak get?

Had Clinton done the job those of us who voted for him in 1992 expected him to do, we wouldn’t be in the pickle we’re in.

So spare me all the handwringing and indignant moralizing. Those who want to turn Bush into some sort of cartoon monster have an agenda–to keep most of us from seeing the beast that they themselves have become. Of course, they hate Nader. He’s an ugly reminder that they sold out a long time ago–and he didn’t. Blame Nader, blame Bush, it’s all part of the same distraction, to keep you from focusing on this one, very important fact: Republican arsenic or Democratic arsenic, it really is the same damn crap being forced down your throat.

Filmmaker and author Michael Moore is waiting for the party to get started.

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

‘Town & Country’

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Beatty-bashing sex experts aren’t aroused by ‘Town & Country’

Writer David Templeton takes interesting people to interesting movies in his ongoing quest for the ultimate post-film conversation. This is not a review; rather, it’s a freewheeling, tangential discussion of art, alternative ideas, and popular culture.

“Oh my god! That was so painful!”

“You know, I’d really like some mint tea.”

And there you are.

The first of these two evocative utterances is delivered by Anne Semans, author and sex expert, as our group emerges, shaken and shell-shocked, from the sorry little theater where we’ve just seen Town & Country, a very bad sex comedy starring Warren Beatty and a group other people who really should have known better. The second remark–the one about tea–is made a few moments later by Cathy Winks–also an author, also a sex expert–and is directed at a waiter as we gather in a nearby restaurant to sip hot, comforting liquids and try to make some sense out of whatever it was we just saw.

This won’t be easy.

Released after a three-year stint sitting on a studio shelf somewhere, the long-delayed Town & Country is a farce about a rich, married architect (Beatty) who alienates his wife (Diane Keaton) by flirting and/or sleeping with a string of neurotic women (Natasha Kinski, Jenna Elfman, Andie McDowell), including a life-long friend (Goldie Hawn), who is the wife of his best pal (Gary Shandling), an antique dealer having his own affair with a cross-dressing stud-muffin. The film attempts to skewer the self-obsessed lifestyle of the rich and bored. It wants to be smart and tries very hard to be funny.

It stinks.

“Have you ever had a dream,” asks Semans, “that goes on and on and almost makes sense–while you’re having it–but when you wake up, you say, ‘Oh. That was one of those weird, nonsensical, bad dreams that just . . .won’t . . end?’ This movie was like that. ”

“All I know,” says Winks, “is that it just made sex look like something losers do.”

Losers.

Exactly. Without exception, the men of Town & Country are all losers, bumbling dorks who can’t formulate a coherent apology and who take their instructions entirely from their genitals. And the women! The women are either sex-crazed nutballs, babbling graduates from bimbo school, or shrill, shrieking shrews. Come to think of it, the only positive thing that can be said of this film is that both genders are represented equally, each portrayed as despicably as the other.

“It was impressively even handed, I’d say,” Winks observes. “In Town & Country, everybody comes out looking bad.”

Anne Semans and Cathy Winks are the co-authors of numerous books on the subject of sex, including The New Good Vibrations Book of Sex and The Woman’s Guide to Sex on the Web. Just this month, they’ve celebrated the release of a brand new, much-anticipated guide book that is already sending pleasant little shock waves through bookstores and bedrooms around the country. The Mother’s Guide to Sex: Enjoying Your Sexuality Through All Stages of Motherhood (2001, Three Rivers Press, $14.00) is a sensible, sensitive how-to for women committed to the notion that becoming a mother does not necessarily signal the demise of a really great sex life.

Unlike many sex guides, this one is not afraid to be funny. In fact, it’s hilarious. Packed with catty asides and knowing jibes of the laugh-out-loud variety, the book has loads of practical, remarkably creative suggestions–check out the “Valentine for your Vulva” section–as a playful reminder to mothers (and fathers, too) that a healthy sense of sexual desire, while often a laughing matter, is certainly no joke.

Which brings us back to Town & Country.

In a pointed reference to my companions’ previous books, I make the observation that the movie might have been funnier had it thrown in a timely internet sex scene or two. Or perhaps the odd sex toy. Alas, there are no such moments.

“There wasn’t even very good sex in it.,” says Semans. “It was just that silly kind of sex.”

“That jokey, scrambly, pratfall-y kind of sex,” adds Winks. “Which can be totally great in real life. Occasionally. But in this movie . . .”

“With guys like Warren Beatty,” Semans says. “Or Gary Shandling . . .”

“. . . It’s just embarrassing. It’s painful . . .”

“. . . It’s depressing.”

Indeed. It’s enough to give jokey, scrambly, pratfall-y sex a bad name.

As the movie opens, Beatty and Keaton are celebrating their 25th anniversary, an event that coincides with Beatty suddenly forgetting his wedding vows. With the energetic lack of sexual self-control he exhibits all over town, it’s amazing the guy lasted 25 years.

“How do you make it through 25 years of happy monogamy,” Semans wonders, “and then . . . what? He finally has a mid-life crisis?”

“At the age of 60?” Winks laughs. “Warren Beatty’s at least 60, isn’t he?”

“And all of a sudden he’s jumping on every woman who says hello.”

“Every woman who walks within ten feet.”

“It was such a weird thing,” Semans muses. “On one hand, it perpetuated the whole stereotype of men being led around by their penises–but at the same time, it was every man’s wet dream, because every woman he ran into . . .

“All of them young, all of them gorgeous,” Winks slips in.

“. . .all ended up sleeping with him!” Semans shouts.

“It doesn’t happen that way in real life, guys,” Winks semi-exclaims. “Time to grow up! Warren Beatty, time to lose your persona of the whole bumbling-yet-irresistible, craggy, aging-before-your-very-eyes male. It doesn’t work.”

“I know. Ouch. Can we just not do that anymore?” Semans says. “I just don’t believe that Jenna Elfman or Natasha Kinski or Andie McDowall would fall all over themselves to get into this guy’s bed.”

Yes. Well. Though clearly a risky move at this point, I choose to mention that Clint Eastwood–not to mention a zillion other rich Hollywood types–is married to gorgeous young women around Jenna Elfman’s age.

“It’s different if you’re famous,” Semans argues, amiably. “Famous guys can get younger women. But in these movies, they usually aren’t playing famous guys. They’re just . . .old guys, ordinary Joes who end up with young women.”

“Besides, Clint is a sexy guy,” replies Winks, smiling wickedly. “Unlike Beatty, he’s aged well.”

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

‘The Cripple of Inishmaan’

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Visual Blarney

Actors Theatre shines on Emerald Isle

By Yosha Bourgea

THE CRIPPLE of Inishmaan, now playing at Actors Theatre, is set in 1934 on an island off the west coast of Ireland, where the big news among the locals is the recent arrival of an American film crew on the neighboring island of Inishmore. The film being made is Robert Flaherty’s Man of Aran, one of the first Hollywood “documentary-dramas.” (Actors Theatre shows a videotape of the film in the lobby during intermission.) Its depiction of rural life portrayed the islanders as a harmonious community of people “untainted by the corruption of the outside world.”

This idealized view had a great influence on American perceptions of the Irish, although–as playwright Martin McDonagh suggests–the reality of life on the Aran Islands was probably a good deal less than romantic.

The social circle on this island is downright vicious, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Johnnypateenmike, the local “news man,” whose occupation in life is the spreading of malicious gossip in exchange for free food. Brian Shears looks every inch the part of the irascible Johnnypateen and, despite being occasionally tongue-tied by the brogue, gives a credible, slyly subversive performance.

“Ireland mustn’t be such a bad place, sure,” Johnnypateen says, “if Hollywood film crews want to come there.” This is a refrain echoed by most of the other islanders, who are partial to refrains in general. The two aunties Eileen (Phoebe Moyer) and Kate (Coralie Persse), regulars on Johnnypateen’s route, repeat themselves so often that their dialogue begins to sound ridiculously existential. McDonagh is tweaking the lucky-charms Irish stereotype, turning up the quaintness factor, the better to disturb us with the offhand cruelty of his characters.

Johnnypateen, for example, encourages his 90-year-old Mammy (Beverly Bartels, under plenty of makeup) to drink herself to death; this is both funny and horrible. Slippy Helen (Laura Odeh), a local girl, throws raw eggs at anyone she dislikes, particularly her simpleminded brother, Bartley (Brendan Ryan). And everyone mocks the ugliness of Cripple Billy, the most vulnerable inhabitant of the island. “Do you like me?” Billy asks Helen, and she responds tartly: “Would you like you if you weren’t you?”

Cripple Billy is played by Aidan O’Reilly in one of the most striking, seamless performances in local theater this year. O’Reilly heaves himself around the stage with the left side of his body twisted and immobilized, using the awkward efficiency of someone who’s been doing it all his life. (So convincing is his body language that it is actually startling to see him stand upright for the curtain call.) With a flawless accent and a seriocomic approach that is spot-on, the performance of this very talented young actor anchors the whole ensemble.

Brian Bartlett’s set design is also perfectly suited to the barbed-tongue-in-cheek tone of the play. The rough trapezoids of wall, door, and shelf are absurdly off-kilter, like something out of The Flintstones. It is the visual equivalent of blarney, which is McDonagh’s theme.

The way of life on Inishmaan is eccentric, no doubt, but how much of it is truthful and how much is colorful exaggeration? Again and again, the audience is set up for an “appropriate” emotional response, then surprised into uncertainty. The Cripple of Inishmaan is a prickly valentine to a part of the world where life is harsh, but never hopeless. Ireland mustn’t be such a bad place, sure, if plays like this are written about it.

‘The Cripple of Inishmaan’ runs through June 9 (Thursdays-Saturdays at 8 p.m., and Sundays at 2 p.m.) at Actors Theatre, Luther Burbank Center, 50 Mark West Springs Road, Santa Rosa. Tickets are $18. For reservations, call 707/523-4185.

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Kenneth Cleaver

Consumer Correspondent

The President’s Challenge Poplars Research Center 400 E. Seventh Street Bloomington, IN 47405-3085

Dear President’s Challenge:

Of my many memories of adolescent emasculation, few have taxed my self-esteem for as long as the debacle of my seventh-grade President’s Challenge pull-up test. Perhaps it was payback for dogging it in the 600-yard run or spending so many gym . . . I mean, “physical education” . . . classes manufacturing spit wads in the boys’ room. With the help of a physical trainer and a cultural climate conducive to equal-opportunity narcissism, I have now developed a respectable frame. But at age 13, strength was not my strength. Even the surge of desperate adrenaline in the presence of a coed peer group could not furnish me with the necessary muscle for a pull-up. Not one!

Strangely enough, children’s sports etiquette can often serve as a model for adult society. Could you imagine the Israelis and Palestinians calling a “do over”? Luckily, I’m not a disputed Holy Land, but a post-adolescent therapy patient. Upon the advice of my therapist, I have been trying to conquer outstanding traumas. In essence, healing myself through a series of “do overs.” I would be forever in your debt should you grant me another pull-up test. My current workout regime features numerous pull-ups of the wide, parallel, and traditional grips, and I feel physically and psychologically ready for the challenge. My therapist stresses the need for the test to be as accurate a re-creation as possible, so I would appreciate it if you could stock the test site with roughly 60 boys and girls 12 and 13 years of age.

I realize this might be tricky to coordinate, but my schedule is flexible.

Thanks in advance, Kenneth H. Cleaver

Mr. Kenneth H. Cleaver P.O. Box 810 Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

We regret to inform you that we are unable to provide you with any setup such as you have requested. We recommend that you contact a school in your area to see if one of the instructors is able to help you realize your objective. Best of luck to you in your positive endeavors!

Sincerely, Sarah K. Schuetz Graduate Assistant

From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

Open Mic

Open Mic

Promises Kept

By Ianthe Brautigan

I MADE A PROMISE to the author Primo Levi a couple of years ago. Levi spent his life writing about the unspeakable horror and evil that he had experienced in Auschwitz. I told him after finishing his Survival in Auschwitz that I would never forget. (Levi died in 1987–I’m a bit odd because I speak to the dead.)

I was reading about the Holocaust because I wanted to try to understand how the murder of millions of Jews could have happened in the midst of the modern world as I knew it. This promise I made is why I ended up driving to Sonoma State University a couple of Sundays ago with a friend of mine, who is a minister, to attend a Yom Hashoah Observance.

It was a spectacularly beautiful spring day, and the last thing I wanted to do was go into a dark auditorium and remember the Holocaust. The sky was a robin’s-egg blue, and everything was so fresh and bright that I was almost tempted to believe that such a thing as the Holocaust could never happen again.

My friend jolted me back into reality when she mentioned that last summer there had been acts of arson on Jewish synagogues in Sacramento.

The auditorium was filled with lots of people, young and old. One by one, six survivors of different concentration camps slowly stood and walked up to a small altar and lit a candle. Although people spoke, music was played, and prayers were given, the service was introspective. Everyone seemed to be deep inside his or her own thoughts, yet there was tremendous comfort in being part of this gathering of people. Nobody in this room needed to have anything explained about the realities of racism. Nor did anyone who participated in the service try to come up with any easy answers.

“You’d like to shout for help–but from whom? With what voice? With what words?” Mihail Sebastian wrote those words during World War II. As a Jewish writer living in Bucharest, he knew all about the German government’s insane goal of exterminating an entire race of people, yet he was trapped. America was turning away Jewish refugees, and European countries were falling like dominoes.

There was no refuge.

As I left the auditorium, I realized that I couldn’t leave the memory of the Holocaust behind me, so I brought my remembrance out into the light.


Santa Rosa writer Ianthe Brautigan is the author of ‘You Can’t Catch Death: A Daughter’s Memoir.’



From the May 10-16, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Maintained by .


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