The Byrne Report

March 7-13, 2007

It is sickening to watch the Democratic Party cut and run from the real possibility of throwing Bush-Cheney out of office. Impeaching Bush-Cheney could ignite a movement to promote truth, reconciliation and reparations to the world for exporting neoconservative fascism to their countries. The problem, of course, is that impeachment requires Congress to act, and Congress is still cheerfully assisting Bush-Cheney to loot the national treasure, eviscerate civil liberties and wage illegal wars. It is, perhaps, foolish to ask perpetrators to right their own wrongs, but we have to start somewhere.

Gosh, does that sound too radical? Too . . . hmmm . . .un-Fatherland-ish? Don’t take my word for how deep in the political doodoo we are; follow the women. Specifically, listen to the advice of two remarkable women who have spent their lives serving the system. Both spoke in Sonoma County last month on the absolute necessity of impeaching Bush-Cheney. They are former Chief of the U.S. Attorney office in San Jose Elizabeth de la Vega, and Cynthia McKinney, a six-term Democratic congresswoman from DeKalb County, Ga.

In mid-February, de la Vega spoke at Petaluma’s Copperfield’s Books about her book, United States v. George W. Bush et al. Drawing upon her experience as the head of a federal organized crime strike force, de la Vega has written a criminal indictment of the Bush-Cheney gang (including Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell) for violating Title 18 of the United States Code, Section 371, which prohibits conspiracies to defraud the United States. Using public records, the recently retired prosecutor presented substantial evidence that the “defendants” knowingly made fraudulent statements to Congress and the public for the purpose of invading Iraq.

I won’t detail all of the evidence de la Vega uses to make her case, but if you have been paying attention you know most of it by now: Bush-Cheney flat-out lied and they knew they were lying. Of course, Congress and the media knew it, too, and they agreed to look the other way. Disgustingly, the New York Times syndicate is now blaming the “inept” Bush-Cheney for the “debacle” in Iraq, while ignoring its own pivotal role in causing and supporting the illegal invasion and occupation. We should be ashamed of ourselves as a society for willfully fooling ourselves when we really did know the truth, i.e., that Bush-Cheney lied. It was obvious and a reckless disregard for the truth, a prosecutable crime when committed by people placed in a position of trust.

The soft-spoken de la Vega is housewifely in appearance. Watching her talk is like seeing Betty Crocker jump off a cake box and calmly make the case that our leaders be held over for a jury trial for committing unspeakable acts. When the White House pisses off Betty Crocker, there is hope for change. Unfortunately, the crowd of about 20 folks were mostly over age 50. One can only wonder what shopping mall the youth of soldier age were hiding in that night. Nor did the youth come out in any force to hear the charismatic McKinney tell it like it is–starting with the systematic disenfranchisement of black voters in the last two presidential elections–at a student-sponsored event at Sonoma State University a few days later.

McKinney cautioned the audience of mostly white people over 50 that unless Congress is prepared to defund the Bush-Cheney war on Iraq, antiwar posturing by Democrats is public-relations fog. “Translate what you read in the press, hear the unspoken, see the invisible, read the unwritten,” she urged. She had nothing good to say about the Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who is refusing to end the war and who is giving Bush-Cheney a free pass for destroying New Orleans, spying on Americans, torturing prisoners and a long list of other impeachable offenses. When an audience member timidly remarked, “Impeachment is not good for the country.” McKinney tartly countered, “Impeachment is a moral imperative.” She received a standing ovation.

Meanwhile, Lynn Woolsey, our own antiwar congresswoman, needs to start listening to the impeachment message, especially since her valiant efforts to defund the war will likely fail due to Democratic Party sabotage. Unfortunately, Woolsey is still marching in lockstep with the Pelosi edict, “Impeachment is not on the table.”

Nonsense! Impeachment could ignite a movement to take the country back from Bush-Cheney and their corporate sponsors (ignoring for the moment that Congress is itself the premier corporate lobby). Add some gasoline to the impeachment fire and check out a collection of powerful essays called Impeach the President, edited by SSU professor Peter Phillips.

And then call Woolsey up and tell her to flip Pelosi off and do the people’s business.

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Morsels

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March 7-13, 2007

What’s made out of spaghetti and meatballs and created the universe? According to Pastafarians, it’s their deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This religion was brought into the public eye in late 2005 when the Kansas State Board of Education ruled that “intelligent design” must be taught in public schools right alongside good old evolution. In response, 25-year-old physics graduate Bobby Henderson demanded that his “religion,” Pastafarianism, be taught, too.

Pasta-obsessed piratic parishioners have been proselytizing over the Internet ever since. Commonly greeting each other with pirate phrases like “Yarrr” and “Avast,” Pastafarians worship only the FSM, but hold their pirate brethren in the highest regard. Pastafarians also believe in a heaven of sorts, a magical land filled with beer volcanoes and, of course, a stripper factory. What makes it even better is that everyone gets into heaven no matter his or her religious denomination.

Alas, Pastafarianism is not all fun and games. Devotees have real ambitions. Henderson is funneling all proceeds from his book, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, into the purchase of an evangelical pirate ship that he and his fellow worshippers will use to spread the word of RAmen.

The wealth of scientific evidence and ancient artifacts proving the existence of the FSM is hard to ignore. Pastafarians have an online archive with pictures of items such as a 3,500-year-old Cretan vase clearly depicting the FSM, extensive noodly cloud formations, microscopic spaghetti-like bacteria and a ton of other information, all of which points to the certain existence of His Noodliness.

Pastafarians have also contacted several dozen doctors who have all conducted their own private experiments; hard science and research have come to the conclusion that the FSM is real, and just might have a noodly appendage in absolutely everything we do.

With its eventual tax-exempt status and growing team of scientists and industry professionals as well as the energy of millions of Internet worshippers, one thing is for sure: You’ll never look at pasta the same way again. Go to church at www.venganza.org.

Quick dining snapshots by Bohemian staffers.

Winery news and reviews.

Food-related comings and goings, openings and closings, and other essays for those who love the kitchen and what it produces.

Recipes for food that you can actually make.

Fabulously Conservative

March 7-13, 2007

It’s a fabulous Grand Old Party with the Kinsey Sicks in their new concert film, I Wanna Be a Republican. Not satisfied with any other political group, the Kinsey Sicks–a drag-queen a cappella quartet consisting of Rachel, Trixie, Winnie and Trampolina–decide they want to represent the red states and become Republican. I Wanna Be a Republican screens at the Rialto on March 15.

Director Ken Bielenberg’s political satire musical is the story of four ladies who share their love for such themes as political corruption and tokenism. The over-the-top musical enjoys playing on audience perceptions by embracing the very political agenda one would assume they’d sooner rally against. Rachel (Ben Schatz), the horny, bullish one, takes an audience member onstage for a rendition of “Why Can’t We F**k?” Winnie, (above in glasses and played by Penngrove resident Irwin Keller), shows an obsessive compulsive cleaning streak in the song “Clean.” Trixie (Jeff Manabat), the Asian member of the group, is the butt of the joke about Republicans and tokenism. Finally, there’s the not-so-subtly named Trampolina (Chris Dilley), who belts out a hearty rendition of “Be a Slut.”

A number of musical set pieces that take jabs at just about every aspect of Republican values and conservatism, I Wanna Be chronicles the stories and misfortunes of the “girls” as they make their way toward the right. When the puns get to be a little much, Rachel explicitly informs audience members to write their own material. The sight of four drag queens singing about the virtues of modern, white conservative society, or taking such famous hymns as “We Shall Overcome” and turning the lyrics into “The poor are overpaid,” can’t help but make you laugh and cry at the same time.

After the screening, director Bielenberg and producer Alonzo Ruvalcaba join the audience for a Q&A session. The Kinsey Sicks’ I Wanna Be a Republican screens on Thursday, March 15, at 7:15pm. Rialto Lakeside Cinemas, 551 Summerfield Road, Santa Rosa. $6.50-$9.50. 707.525.4840.


New and upcoming film releases.

Browse all movie reviews.

Letters to the Editor

March 7-13, 2007

Fat fight

I just read (“Fear of Food,” Feb. 21). Sara is a fun read, usually because I find myself screaming at your paper while I read her. Seriously, her most recent piece makes it clear that Sara has never: shopped for groceries in Richmond, West Oakland, Agua Caliente or Apple Valley; been dependent on food stamps; even seen a USDA food label; or given much thought to the parasitic relationship of poverty and wealth in the context of capitalism. The personal-responsibility argument, which is often followed by a boot-strap lecture, ignores reality. Most people don’t have land to grow their own food, can’t afford organic only and work 40-plus hours a week to stitch the ends together. Many poor people have to rely on public transit that makes a 20-minute trip to the grocery store into a three-hour tour. Add kids into the mix, and is food from a box still such an obvious no-no?

This reality is total absent from her thinking. The only voice of poverty present in her article is the tiny minority of “hardcore” homeless men that can be seen in parks across the country. Even there she misses the point, most of those men are vets abandoned by the yellow-ribbon brigade (and everyone else) to heal from war without any social support, and they deserve to be written about in that context instead of dismissed as wise old winos.

Ben Saari, Santa Rosa

Sara Bir responds: Boiling our country’s nutrition and weight issues down to black and white extremes is part of the reason we have such a problem with overconsumption in this country. Not all overweight people are poor, and not all poor people are overweight. In order to maintain a balanced diet, it is not necessary to completely avoid processed foods and consume “organic only.” You don’t have to grow your own food to eat healthfully, but it does help to understand that food is grown somewhere and does not appear fully formed in Taco Bell nachos or a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup.

The problem then becomes raising awareness of how our food choices affect our health without sensationalizing the matter through flashy rhetoric about the latest dietary fad. Ben is correct: the connection between poverty, obesity, heart disease and type 2 diabetes is alarming, as is the difficulty of procuring fresh produce and whole foods in low-income urban areas; many people trapped in the cycle of poverty have no choice but to eat badly.

To get a handle on things, we have to stop holding other corporate institutions completely accountable for the state of our national eating habits. That does not mean saying “people are dumb and lazy” and sitting back smugly to watch our country’s descent into a blubbery Babylon of high fructose corn syrup and refined white flour. I feel that a grass-roots movement of educating people to make their own wise nutritional choices is more logical and sustainable than imposing a ban on trans-fats, requiring all restaurants to list caloric values on their menus or railing abstractly against “the man.” Creating more fear of food is not the solution.

Fear-mongering in Marin

Fear is being marketed to us, and we are buying it. In supposedly enlightened Marin County, there was a recent Homeland Security-sponsored drill on Feb. 22 for Marin’s new mobile command center. The drill centered around a mock-threatening call from a person urging a pullout of U.S. troops from Iraq. Can you see how we are being brainwashed to fear those who want an end to war–not those who provoke and impose war?

Hermann Göring was the leader of the Gestapo under Hitler. These are his words at the Nuremberg Trials. They ring truer than ever today: “Naturally, the common people don’t want war: neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.”

They are selling us fear. Are we buying it? Visit www.mpjc.org org or www.peaceandjusticesonomaco.org to learn about local campaigns for peace with justice for all the world’s people.

Wendy Tanowitz, San Anselmo

I am irritated

I was at Cafe Gratitude last night, March 1 (, Feb. 21). I arrived at 6:30pm and, due to really poor service, it was 9:30pm by the time we were finished. About 45 minutes after taking our order, the waitress finally brought our appetizer and then informed us that she had lost the paper on which she had written our order, so we refreshed her memory.

I Was Grateful I had good company to dine with, but three hours for dinner was rather intimidating. I won’t go back again.

Barbara Anaman, Fairfax


First Bite

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February 28-March 6, 2007

Cold, rainy, gray weather calls for soup. Any kind will do, as long as the broth is rich and hot.

Bitter, icy, spiking shards of near-sleet under black skies, though, demand pho, the steaming, savory Vietnamese stuff that’s hearty with lots of meat and tangles of slippery vermicelli noodles.

On this afternoon, the rain is pummeling the Sonoma earth so hard, and the late afternoon sky is so murky, that I can hear the drops more than see them on the sluice that is my car’s windshield.

So it’s pho I’m after, which is why I’ve risked my life driving flooded roads to meet my mom at Simply Vietnam, a cafe that opened last November in Santa Rosa. It’s in the space that used to house Cam Ranh Bay, another Vietnamese restaurant. That Cam place looked pretty ratty, while this new incarnation looks–well, I can’t really tell through the hurricane that Mother Nature is unfurling on my vehicle.

A few moments later, I’ve made it from Toyota to table, and my clothes are dripping on Simply Vietnam’s shiny clean floors; if I shook like a dog, I’d splatter on freshly painted mustard-hued walls and chic metal tree sculptures hung like paintings. This place is much prettier than I am right now.

Mom comes slip-sliding in and squishily sits, delighted to find that I’ve already ordered one of her favorite foods: spring rolls ($4.50). The traditional shrimp model is on the menu, but I’ve gone for a cold-weather version, the pliable rice-paper wrappers stuffed with nicely charred pork instead of seafood, and served with mildly sweet creamy peanut dip instead of fish sauce. They’re filling and nicely bitterish, layered with mint, cilantro and romaine-cucumber chiffonade.

Mom’s yellow chicken curry ($6.95) is satisfying, gently seasoned just as she likes it. Her side dish of house-fried rice ($7.95) is top-notch, packing a welcome bit of chile heat lurking amid the usual suspects of chicken, bay shrimp and spicy sausage.

My pho arrives. I’ve ordered it tai gau style, stocked with thin slices of rare steak and well-done brisket. As the steam rises from my bowl (large, $6.25), I inhale its slow-simmered perfume of onion, beef bone, ginger, carrot, cinnamon and star anise. I decorate my dish with splashes of sriracha, crispy bean sprouts, jalapeño, squirts of lime and tears of fresh mint and cilantro. The first sip from my white plastic soup spoon is heaven, as warmth radiates from my stomach to my chilled, clammy skin.

Then I spear a slice of steak with my chopsticks. It’s mainly gristle, and I drop it back in. Three meat pieces later, I’m still spearing cartilage; I taste it and it’s chewy boredom. Meager bits of brisket are better, but one of my favorite parts of pho is how the raw steak tenderly cooks in the scalding broth.

The rain has subsided to a drizzle as mom and I leave the restaurant. It’s perfect soup weather now. Soup such as, say, the rich, hot broth served at Simply Vietnam.

Simply Vietnam, 966 North Dutton Ave., Santa Rosa. Open Monday-Saturday, 10am to 9pm; Sunday, 11am to 7pm. 707.566.8910.


Quick-and-dirty dashes through North Bay restaurants. These aren’t your standard “bring five friends and order everything on the menu” dining reviews.

Word Games

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February 28-March 6, 2007

‘Keep your wits about you, everyone, and whatever you do, don’t step on the red cups!”

With this bit of comically cryptic and mildly threatening advice, director Leslie McCauley, head of the smokin’-hot theater arts department at the Santa Rosa Junior College, energetically launches a Monday-night rehearsal. McCauley puts her actors through the paces of the smart and silly new comedy Shakespeare in Hollywood, written by Ken Ludwig, the screwy scribe behind such popular behind-the-scenes comedies as Lend Me a Tenor and Moon over Buffalo.

On this evening, less than two weeks before opening night, the large, multigenerational cast is attempting an uninterrupted run-through of the show’s frenetic second act. In it, Hollywood luminaries Jack Warner, James Cagney, Max Reinhardt, Dick Powell, Louella Parsons and other real-life denizens of the 1930s mix it up with fictional Shakespearean characters as Reinhardt attempts to film the Bard’s classic fantasy A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

The script is a manic blend of high-brow and low-brow, tossing tights, iambic pentameter and Shakespearean sonnets together with Marx Brothers-style mayhem, really bad puns and roller skates. McCauley and cast work in a medium-sized classroom. The threatening red cups, arranged in rows here and there on the floor, delineate where various walls and set pieces will stand once the set is completed and the cast moves down the hall onto the stage of SRJC’s massive Burbank Auditorium.

According to McCauley, the last several weeks have been a riotously good time, coupled with hours of hard work as the performers rid themselves of what McCauley calls “the 21st-century slouch” and master the graceful moves and fast-paced, rat-a-tat speaking style of 1930s movie actors.

“My goal from the beginning has been for us to have as much fun as possible,” says McCauley. “I honestly have never laughed so much during any rehearsal of a play I was directing.”

Working with the motto “No joke is too stupid,” McCauley encourages her actors to contribute their own ideas, many of them borrowed (or outright shoplifted) from the classic pastry-chucking comedies of the Three Stooges, the Keystone Cops and Charlie Chaplin. The central premise of the play has Midsummer Night’s Dream‘s “real” fairy king Oberon (played by Cameron Stuckey) and his conspicuously horny henchman Puck (Tifani Schwab) appear on set to replace actors Victor Jory and Mickey Rooney, who’ve just left the movie. As Oberon and Puck try to fit in with the foolish mortals, causing a number of improbable love connections courtesy of Midsummer‘s famous magic flower, the fairies are increasingly baffled–and strangely turned on–by the activities of the gowned and tuxedoed humans.

“The big joke,” explains McCauley, “is that these are mystical creatures who live in a weird world of fantasy, but Hollywood turns out to be even weirder than they are.”

On this night’s rehearsal, actor David McCullough, playing the self-important government censor Will Hayes, cracks up the entire cast as he is being bitten on the face by one of Puck’s rowdy love-blossoms. Aimee Ouellette, as Jack Warner’s talent-challenged actress girlfriend Lydia, also gets big laughs with her recitation of the line, “I’ve always dreamt of sleeping with a yes man!”

After the rehearsal, the cast is still pumped-up from the exhilaration of the successful run-through. Asked to describe the biggest challenges of the play, they toss out answers.

“All of the verbal wordplay,” suggests Darren Digges, who plays Warner’s nerdy assistant. “Doing justice to the real-life people we’re portraying,” says Daniel Thompson, cast as James Cagney.

“Staying safe!” “Enunciating!” respectively shout the Puckish Schwab and Madeline Giuliet Harris, who plays fictional starstruck starlet Olivia. “Memorizing Shakespeare backwards,” adds Ouellette, mysteriously. “Dancing in high heels!” contributes Kevin Kieta, who, as actor Joe E. Brown, plays much of the show dressed in drag (blame the flower!).

“Our hope for this show,” explains Stuckey, almost becoming serious, “is that the audience leaves thinking that it was a fun couple of hours, but also that they would know how much fun all of us were having onstage. It’s kind of inspiring, and sort of the point of the play, that all of these different people from different worlds can come together and, in spite of the challenges, create something wonderful.”

‘Shakespeare in Hollywood’ runs Friday-Saturday and Wednesday-Sunday, March 2-3 and 7-11. Nightly at 8pm; also, 2pm matinees March 10-11. SRJC’s Burbank Auditorium, 1501 Mendocino Ave., Santa Rosa. For tickets, call 707.527.4343.


Museums and gallery notes.

Reviews of new book releases.

Reviews and previews of new plays, operas and symphony performances.

Reviews and previews of new dance performances and events.

Letters to the Editor

February 28-March 6, 2007

Damn straight

(Letters, Feb. 7) mentions “inaccuracies” but no actual instance of wrong information in Peter Byrne’s story, (Jan. 24) or (The Byrne Report, Jan. 31).

Michael Klein, in the middle of his long letter, claims only that Dianne’s senatorial support didn’t, to her knowledge, “specifically” benefit either of her husband’s defense-contracting firms.

If attorney Klein had found an inaccuracy, he wouldn’t have written a letter to the editor.

He’d have demanded a retraction.

Dave Canfield, San Jose

Not from her mom, promise

regarding movie costumes and all the nuances that go with the designs (“Costuming Passion,” Feb. 21). Hannah’s breadth of knowledge on the subject was more than extensive and her eloquent literary expression and description painted glorious scenes in one’s mind of the costumes, even if the movies mentioned had not been seen previously. After reading her article, I will certainly follow the Oscar nominations for best costumes. I thoroughly enjoyed her writing style and will continue to follow her articles. Keep them coming!

Jann Munn, Oakland

Helping Christian Carlos

We all hear of terrible news stories that grab our attention for a day or two, but then the tide of our busy lives carries us forward and we forget. But I would like to call attention to a worthy cause: an online charitable art auction to benefit Christian Flores Carlos. You may remember Christian was severely injured on Highway 101 in a January car accident that killed his mother, grandmother, brother and two aunts.

Sonoma County residents and others as far away as Australia have donated fine art and handmade items for an eBay auction ending Sunday, March 4. One hundred percent of monies raised will benefit the Edith Carlos Medina Memorial Fund, as listing fees will also be paid by generous donors. Please visit www.christiancarlosfund.blogspot.com to view photos of the donations. You can find links to the live auction for each item in order to bid, as well as the address to mail any cash donations.

Thank you to the Bohemian for being such a good community member.

Claire Green, Santa Rosa

Simplicity of public shame

Because DUI is such a problem in all communities, there is a constant search for some method of intervention that would keep a drunk from getting behind the wheel when he should probably call a cab. I believe every potential deterrent should be given a good look, and this one might be right up your alley and who know’s, may even increase your circulation.

The community I am from in Ohio had a weekly newspaper that printed the names of all of those arrested for drunk driving in the previous week from the areas it had circulation. Many of us went straight to that page when we received our paper to see if someone we knew was unlucky enough to have been arrested for DUI.

Amazingly, to some people, the thought that their name may appear in the paper is more devastating than the fact they might kill themselves or others in a drunken accident. In the warped mind of some drunks, the possibility of seeing their name in the paper would only confirm what their spouses, friends and employers have probably been telling them about their drinking problem. Always vigilant, however, the clever drunk will find numerous ways to avoid discovery of an embarrassing incident. Most will claim and fully believe they are the best drivers, the best lovers, you name it; they are world-class experts.

Armed with this huge ego they above all don’t want the world to see what might be a chink in their armor. The possible appearance of their name in that column might be just that chink and, who knows, they may even become reasonable about accepting a ride home or calling a cab. Strange birds, these drunks–they don’t think like anyone else because, above all, they need to deny their drinking is a problem for anyone, including themselves.

How do I know about this reaction? I was a practicing drunk in that Ohio town for a long time, until I got lucky and sober over 30 years ago.

Whitey Broughton, Sebastopol


Populist Jazz Pioneer

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music & nightlife |

By Gabe Meline

A crossover hitmaker, a soul-jazz pioneer, a sampladelic breakbeat artifact, a vital radio host–Chicago native Ramsey Lewis has been many things in his 40-year career, but one thing he has never been is elitist. As a Grammy-winning interpreter of pop hits like “Hang On Sloopy” or his still-signature knockout tune, “The ‘In’ Crowd,” Lewis hijacked the minds of a 1960s America that bought records at the drug store and infused in them the language of post-bop piano. He appears March 7 in Napa.

Top-selling albums like The ‘In’ Crowd and Wade in the Water contained the stylistic basis for a generation of pianists to come, and even today their groove remains fresh and lively. No one expected Lewis to stay in a rut, and for most of the 1970s he joined his many contemporaries in exploring electric-based fusion, resulting in the slick, funky sound of commercial successes like 1974’s Sun Goddess. These days, between occasional performances and royalty checks from hip-hop samples, Lewis hosts Legends of Jazz, a radio show about early jazz innovators, ironically syndicated to the smooth-jazz radio market. His most recent album, With One Voice, draws from gospel roots and features the choir from his sister’s church, but in concert he offers adroit, reprised versions of his hits, interspersed with tasteful surprises from the Great American Songbook. At 71, Lewis doesn’t get out much, but when he does, he continues to stealthily deliver true jazz to middle America.

Ramsey Lewis performs with his trio on Wednesday, March 7, at the Napa Valley Opera House. 1030 Main St., Napa. 8pm. $55. 707.226.7372.




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Ask Sydney

February 28-March 6, 2007

Dear Sydney, I am having an issue because I want to get a puppy from my sister who breeds them, but my girlfriend has already made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want another dog (we already have one). She says that she doesn’t want to have a puppy again, and besides, we rent. But I really want this dog. It’s very important to me. I am considering just bringing one home because I know that when she sees it, she will fall in love with it. I can’t decide if I should just bring it home without asking and hope she’s pleased, insist that we’re getting it no matter what or vote by democracy.–Puppy Love

Dear Puppy Love: As I’m sure you already know, getting a new puppy is a huge obligation and it sounds as if your girlfriend has already made it pretty clear how she feels about it, so just bringing one home is probably not the best idea. True, sometimes this method can be effective, but even if she falls in love with those fuzzy little ears temporarily, no doubt the “cute” effect will soon wear off when the puppy has to be taken out at 5:30 in the morning to do his business. Then the resentment will begin to set in.

Avoid this scenario by sitting down with her and talking it through. Let her know what you are willing to do to make this happen. Find out what it is about getting a dog that most stresses her out, and come up with ways that you can prevent her fears from materializing. And if she still says no, then–worst-case scenario–you get the dog anyway, take on full responsibility, replace anything the puppy destroys, clean up after it when is pisses on the carpet and try to ignore her stink eye until she falls in love with it. But know this: If you have to move and can’t find a place because you have two dogs, chances are she will, as least momentarily, blame you entirely.

Dear Sydney, I’ve been getting the feeling that my teenage son might be experimenting with smoking pot. In a moment of weakness, I decided to sort of innocently rifle through his desk. His desk and his room are very much off-limits; I’ve never opened his desk before, not even for a paper clip. Underneath a pile of papers, I found a pipe and a small bag of marijuana. I returned everything so that it looked untouched, and then I cried. I know that I shouldn’t have been going through his desk. If I tell him, he won’t forgive me, and the entire focus of the issue will be that I looked through his drawer, not that he’s smoking pot and lying to me about it. On the other hand, I know I’m supposed to take this kind of thing seriously, and maybe if drugs are involved the normal rules no longer apply. By they way, he’s a great kid, about to get his driver’s license and does reasonably well in school.–Snooping Mom

Dear Snoopy: If you think that your son is doing something that could endanger his life, then look through his desk! Otherwise, stay out unless you have permission. But seeing as you have already looked, don’t jeopardize your relationship with your son by freaking out and getting accusatory. You’re probably right: he won’t forgive you for going through his desk, and the focus will be all about how you betrayed his trust. Besides, once he realizes what you are capable of, surely he will begin to find more inventive places to hide his contraband than in his desk drawer.

If he’s getting a driver’s license soon, now is the time to have a serious talk about drugs, drinking and driving. Sure, he’s heard it all before, but maybe not from the person who can deny him access to both a driver’s license and anything even vaguely resembling a motorized vehicle. He may be old enough to make some decisions for himself, but you still control the essentials he needs in order for him to maintain a successful social life, with spending money. This means he has to talk to you or be denied services. So don’t break down and tell him of your snoopy ways. Do sit down with him and tell him that your instincts are shouting a red alert on some possible pot smoking (which is the truth), and that he better talk to you about it or all he’s getting for his birthday for the next two years is the transit bus schedule. Which, come to think of it, might not be such a bad idea in any case.

Dear Sydney, recently I was watching a comedy with my 12-year-old daughter. It was your typical comedy: couple gets married, couple misunderstands each other and has a falling out, man must convince wife to come back to him, they figure out that there has been a misunderstanding and get back together. As the couple was having their make-up embrace, I said, “And they lived happily ever after.” Then my daughter snorted and said, “Yeah, right, more like, ‘And two years later, they got divorced.'” Sydney, of course I laughed, but still her comment made me sad. She’s at an age where many of her friends have parents who are splitting up or already have, how is she going to grow up believing in love if I, and most of the people around her, can’t seem to set a good enough example?–Failed in Love

Dear FIL: Divorce is part of your daughter’s culture, and from what you say here, it seems like she’s astute enough to be able to see past the make-believe fairytale of love that gets thrown at us from Hollywood movies to the reality of life. She also has a great sense of humor! Her ability to ascertain the differences between fantasy and reality is a good thing, and it no way means that that she will grow up and not believe in love. Love is part of the fabric of our existence, and no amount of divorces will ever change that. We really have no way of knowing how the next generation will synthesize their experiences with divorce. Maybe they will grow up to be slightly damaged, afraid of intimacy and too quick to call it quits. Sound familiar? But I suspect that your daughter’s generation will still attempt to make and define their relationships with as much love and kindness as they are capable of. Life can be a beautiful adventure, divorced or not. Try not to let your own feelings of failure color what, to your daughter, may not be such a bad thing at all.

No question too big, too small or too off-the-wall.


Wine Tasting Room of the Week

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It’s late winter in the winery, the new wine has been put to bed, but even as it slumbers in oak casks in the cellar, thieves are at work. Wine thieves. And this month, for a small fee, they’ll cut you in on the racket.

The wine thief is sort of a reverse turkey baster. Inserted in the bunghole, it draws a sample out of the barrel. Barrel tasting of new wine is an Old World way for winemakers and negotiants to get a sense of the vintage and plan for future blends or purchases. Here, it’s become another good excuse to fill the roads with limos and have a party. March is Sonoma County’s new Barrel Tasting Month. It kicks off on the long and winding Russian River Wine Road. Wineries offer some extras like food and entertainment, and “futures” can be purchased, meaning practitioners of delayed gratification can buy a promising vintage now and pick it up 12 to 18 months later.

A sipping, swirling population some 30,000 strong is expected to descend on over a hundred wineries this year, mercifully spread out over two weekends. Try out your mental judo to beat the crowds. Will people assume that the first weekend will be more popular, and choose the second? Or have they already second-guessed that, in which case, do you outguess them and go the second weekend? I need a glass already.

Moshin Vineyards in the heart of Russian River Valley will be offering “country music and snacks,” according to the tasting-room guy. It’s easy to like Moshin. There’s the hummingbird label. The new-in-2005, gravity-flow dream winery built into a hillside lets the wine flow gently from crush pad to the fermenters, with their sweet hydraulic punch-down setup, all the way down to, well, the tasting room. Like so many other enterprising victims littering the area, former math teacher Rick Moshin fell hard for Pinot somewhere along the way, and both permutations on the menu show a marked style. Light-colored, a tinge of brick, the wines kiss the nose with cognac essence.

Inhaling the 2005 Molinari Vineyard ($25), I could almost picture a slice of raspberry cheesecake with a garnish of green pepper. But instead I took home the 2004 Dry Creek Valley Merlot ($22) for a little more in-depth study of its earthy redwood forest scent and rich blackberry flavor, with mild–not quite velvety; let’s say terry-cloth–tannins.

Also, check out co-winemaker Kenny Likitprakong’s side project, Banyan Wines. The 2006 Monterey County Gewürztraminer is a sweet, balanced refresher aimed at Asian-food pairings, with aromas of honeysuckle and, well, cardboard, but in the best way possible, as when you’re opening a package you’ve been excitedly expecting–like that case of wine you bought last year.

Did I mention that the Russian River Wine Road Barrel Tasting is only $10? A steal.

Barrel Tasting, Friday-Sunday, March 2-4 and 9-11. www.wineroad.com. Moshin Vineyards, 10295 Westside Road, Healdsburg, Tasting room open daily, 11am to 4:30pm. 707.433.5499.



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