Invasive Procedures

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03.26.08


The dust swirls around Central Coast farmer Tom Broz as he surveys the empty field that will soon be sprouting Live Earth Farm’s tomatoes. In a few months, he’ll go through the annual ritual of hanging twist-ties drenched with pheromones around his farm to disrupt the mating of the codling moth. The ritual requires money, labor and time—three things not in excess at Broz’s small organic operation. Yet for Broz, controlling pests like the codling moth is just “the name of the game” when it comes to environmentally sensitive agriculture.

Now that the light brown apple moth (LBAM), an Australian insect whose ruinous appetite is a matter of debate in ag circles, is also in the area, Broz will likely have to pencil in yet another round of twist-tie-hanging at a cost of about $120 per acre. But it’s not that simple. Since both state and federal government have determined that the LBAM must be eradicated, Broz has more than just the cost of twist-ties to worry about. The feds are inspecting his orchards every month, and if they find even a single sign of the moth, he could be shut down until the inspectors are satisfied that his farm has been rid of it for good.

“Imagine if I lose one week of produce because I’m being quarantined in the middle of the season. That could add up to $20,000 or $30,000 right there,” Broz says. “So controlling something preventatively beforehand ends up costing almost nothing compared to being shut down because there is one egg on the underside of a single leaf in my orchard.”

Broz isn’t the only one calling into question the government’s plan to eradicate the LBAM rather than simply control it. Over the past six months, well-respected entomologists and horticulturalists have expressed increasing skepticism at the scientific basis of the government’s eradication plan. The California Department of Food and Agriculture (CDFA) and the USDA are currently planning to aerially spray biochemical pheromones on five California counties beginning Aug. 1. Four other counties, including Marin, would force ag professionals to establish the twist-tie pheromones that Broz employs. An isolated infestation of the LBAM was found and eradicated in Napa last year, and one LBAM was found in Sonoma County in February; should another turn up, Sonoma will be added to the spray list.

In the course of the debate, wider questions about how to confront invasive pests in an interconnected world have also surfaced.

Behind the Curtain

In May 2007, Dr. Marshall Johnson wiped the sweat from his brow as the sun beat down on the pavement in front of San Jose’s Wyndham Hotel. Making his way through the lobby, Johnson headed straight for the conference room where a group of scientists were already furiously skimming through reams of biological information on the light brown apple moth.

The 10 assembled entomology experts, at least half of whom were on the USDA’s payroll, felt a heavy weight on their shoulders. They had been hastily called together, given the label Technical Working Group (TWG) and tasked with determining whether or not the federal government should declare total war on the LBAM and begin a multistage process of wiping it out. If they decided it was too late and that the pest had become firmly established on the U.S. mainland, they would have to recommend the eradication fight be given up and management pursued instead.

A lot was at stake. The moth was spread across five counties, from Monterey to the Bay Area, but hadn’t yet hit the Central Valley, the heart of California’s agriculture industry. Farming groups and foreign trading partners were already clamoring for the Feds to wipe the pest off the face of the continent. The TWG scientists were presented with figures from Australia, where it costs over $21 million a year to control the pest.

With this mass of information swirling in their heads, the members of the TWG were allowed only three days to make their final recommendation. None of the scientists at the time could have guessed how much controversy their decision to pursue the goal of total eradication would generate, nor could they have predicted the much broader questions about invasive pest policy that would arise as public support for the fight against the pest deteriorated rapidly.

Moth Code Red

Anti-spraying activists have frequently targeted the CDFA as the agency responsible for the blanket spraying, but it was actually the USDA’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service that originally sounded the alarm and convened the TWG when it heard the apple moth had been found in California. The Feds wanted action fast. They had on their desks a report produced in 2003 by University of Minnesota entomologists suggesting the moth could infest up to 80 percent of the continental United States. This made the LBAM infestation an extreme threat in their minds, both to the native environment and to the nation’s economic interests.

The pressure was on the CDFA to act swiftly. If the state lagged behind, the USDA reserved the right to quarantine all of California, according to a University of California integrated pest management report. It was under these tense circumstances that Johnson, an award-winning veteran entomologist from UC Riverside, was called to San Jose to talk LBAM. He remembers the three-day conference like it was yesterday.

“When we first went into the group, the assumption was that there would probably be eradication because it was a new pest,” he says. “It wasn’t a big argument or anything like that; it was a discussion of what we know, what we don’t know and what the probability was that this could be accomplished. It was a very short discussion.” However short, this discussion yielded four compelling reasons for eradication, according to Johnson. First was the issue of economic impact.

The USDA predicts crop damage that could cost growers anywhere from $160 million to $640 million annually, and that’s just for the counties already infested. If the LBAM spreads to other states, the USDA predicts that the cost of crop damage could reach the billions.

But that isn’t the whole story. There was also a great deal of fear that the pest could shut down California’s ability to ship agricultural goods out of the country. It’s an ironic series of events: For reasons that aren’t clear, the LBAM was classified as a “Class A” pest by the CDFA in 1996 (it is not clear whether the USDA listed the pest on its watch list as well, but the Feds were nervous enough to order up a report on it in 2003).

Under this CDFA designation, which is the highest possible under state law, shipments of agricultural commodities from New Zealand and Australia had to be inspected thoroughly for the pest before being allowed access to California ports. This meant growers in New Zealand and Australia had to spend extra money and time proving their products were LBAM-free in order to ship their agricultural commodities to California.

When the pest was discovered on the U.S. mainland, the A-rating came back to haunt the CDFA and shake the nerves of USDA officials. Canada and Mexico began requiring thorough inspections of all produce for the LBAM before it was shipped across their borders, and at least seven states were calling for advanced warning whenever shipments from the infested counties were heading their way. Although the LBAM hadn’t damaged any crops yet, it was evident the moth was going to end up costing growers across the state millions in lost sales and control efforts. This costly reality was on the minds of all TWG members, Johnson says.

“The driving factor is the possibility of other countries shutting off our exports to them,” he explains. “If you went from eradication to management, you would have to be at zero tolerance for export.” As for local growers selling their products within an infested county, Johnson predicts they would only use pesticides and other control methods if the cost could be passed on to the consumer, meaning either higher fruit prices at the market or large losses for growers who would have to throw away damaged products.

This would be an expensive long-term proposition for growers, and, to make matters worse, it wouldn’t be concentrated in a single agricultural industry. The pest can infest up to 250 different plants, including most fruit trees and decorative plants sold in nurseries. There are also reports that the LBAM has the ability to incorporate new plants into its diet over time, meaning it could potentially threaten all of California’s agriculture fields, and possibly over 75 percent of fields in the United States. Mysteriously, no crop damage has been reported. Nevertheless, the TWG chose caution.

“Since the light brown apple moth already has a broad range of plants it eats, it makes it a lot easier to adapt to new plant species,” Johnson reasons. “The main ecological ramification would be its ability to invade new areas in California or the United States, and once it started to take off in places like the San Joaquin Valley, where you have peaches, olives and nectarines, you might have to start spraying [toxic] stuff for it.”

Regardless of how far the moth has spread thus far, Johnson and others worry that if management were pursued instead of eradication, individual growers would eventually decide to defend their crops with toxic pesticides. That could cause a huge problem, says Johnson. Not only does the LBAM adapt to new plant hosts as it spreads across the world, it has also shown the ability to evolve pesticide resistance. This was observed most notably during its infestation of New Zealand, says Johnson.

“If you get a lot of people who start spraying for it, and then it develops resistance, people will have to start spraying more toxic pesticides more frequently. You don’t know what the ramifications are for the management system of other pests.”

Not to mention the impact on the state’s water supply and any animals or humans exposed to the toxins. With the severity of these four key threats in mind—export restrictions, the pest’s adaptability, the potential spraying of toxic pesticides by individual growers and a fear that the pest could develop pesticide resistance—the TWG concluded eradication must be pursued swiftly.

In short order, a plan was established: an emergency environmental review exemption was granted by the EPA for use of the Checkmate-LBAM pheromone, a substance that releases the female moth scent over a large area and thus hinders the male moth’s ability to find a real female mate; federal and state quarantines were established in all infested counties; and nurseries were forced to spray the organophosphate chlorpyrifos on all their products if even a single moth adult or larvae was found. The Feds were ready to fight.

The Other Shoe Drops

In September, fewer than five months after the TWG had made its recommendation, three planes were dispatched to release pheromones over Monterey County. In November they sprayed Santa Cruz County. Immediately, a chorus of environmental and public-health groups decried the blanket spraying of pheromones over houses, schools and places of business. Newspaper articles reporting on the CDFA’s handling of the pest poured forth, as did lawsuits attempting to stop the spraying.

Amid this troubling backdrop, respected entomologists and others began to question whether or not the state’s eradication goal was really possible. Dr. James Carey, a UC Davis entomologist who has been researching the field of pest management for over 20 years, believes it is nothing short of wishful thinking to suppose a pest that has now infested at least nine counties can be eradicated.

“It’s not that I don’t favor eradication; I’d like to get rid of it if we could do it easily. That’s not the question. It’s a matter of what I see being a program that’s been launched that has no chance of success,” Carey says. “I seriously doubt that they’ve really delineated the population. There are literally tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of populations of LBAM, so anything less than 100 percent elimination of every one of these tens of thousands of individual populations is control and not eradication.”

Carey knows whereof he speaks. He provided research that has helped the CDFA keep the Mediterranean fruit fly under control (the Medfly has successfully resisted eradication all along) and has published well over 50 essays on pest management. According to his experience, a perfect mix of biological and political factors needs to be in place before a pest can realistically be eradicated. He doesn’t think these preconditions exist with the LBAM.

“You need an effective tool. We don’t have it here,” says Carey. “You need public support. It’s not clear that we have that here. You need a detection tool that is effective even in the advanced stages of eradication so you can identify pockets, but also in the early stages so you can delineate a population. Lastly, you need long-term funding. You can’t have a program set in motion, and then at the whims of an administration have the program pulled.”

According to Johnson, the TWG had recommended to the CDFA back in May that it evaluate different crops the moth might eat to see which ones would be most severely impacted by LBAM feeding. Johnson said he hasn’t heard of that process going forward, and Steve Lyle from the CDFA said he couldn’t track down any information on these efforts.

Threat Overblown?

Another voice joined the call for management on March 7, when UC Santa Cruz Arboretum director Dan Harder released a report on his research trip to New Zealand. He had toured the northern part of the country, which he claims has a similar climate to the Central California coast, and found that controlling the pest could be cheap, easy and effective.

The trick, according to the 11 sources he cites in his report, is to hit the moth colonies with a one-two punch: First, release the natural predators. According to Harder’s retelling of an interview with a Dr. Peter Shaw of New Zealand HortResearch, about 80 percent to 90 percent of moth larvae are knocked off by these LBAM killers. They include a number of different wasps, flies and even the earwig.

As for the remaining 10 percent to 20 percent of LBAM larvae that survive, Harder cites HortResearch reports that recommend using “insect birth control,” also known as insect growth regulators. These sprays don’t kill the larvae, but instead prevent them from blossoming into adults, meaning they can never reproduce. New Zealanders adopted this two-pronged approach in 2001, after the use of organophosphates between the mid-’90s and 2001 killed off the moth’s natural enemies, resulting in exploding LBAM populations.

Back on this side of the pond, Cavanaugh sees CDFA and USDA officials, who he is quick to laud as “doing the best they can given the circumstances,” being forced to pursue eradication so they can appease trading partners, even as serious questions about the feasibility of eradication are left unanswered.

“It’s like when the bubonic plague hit in Europe,” Cavanaugh says. “People were going around burning down houses and burning people alive because they didn’t know what they were dealing with. Once they found out it was carried by a flea, it was treated appropriately. It’s the same thing here; they don’t have the information ahead of time, so they’re effectively experimenting.”

It may be an experiment and maybe it won’t work, but given what is at stake, eradication should be pursued anyhow. This is the thrust of retired UC Davis entomology professor Dick Rice’s argument. Eradication is never easy, Rice says, but if we just “throw up our hands” and admit defeat before the fight has even begun, there could be devastating consequences.

“Eradication in the coastal areas is going to be difficult, because over the winter and early spring, before the CDFA and USDA start their pheromone program, this pest is going to be spreading into uncultivated areas, not just orchards and agriculture fields,” Rice says. “But it’s still something to attempt if they can afford to do it and show some success. My thinking is that if LBAM did become established . . . up into Oregon and Washington, it would increase expenses tremendously both in terms of ornamental industry and the tree-fruit industry.”

Yet Cavanaugh and other critics of the eradication plan point again to the fact that there has been no recorded LBAM damage to California agriculture. “The basic question is, are we overreacting to exotic pests on pure speculation?” Cavanaugh asks.

Ticket to Ride

The eruption of controversy over the USDA and CDFA’s eradication goal and the subsequent treatment plan may be just a hint of things to come. In an era of global trade, the opportunities for pests to catch a free ride across the ocean become so ubiquitous no government can realistically plug all the holes in their borders.

A report from the United Nations’ Food and Agriculture Organization provides a glimpse into this stark reality. In just one year, from 2004 to 2005, worldwide food exports increased 8 percent. Between 2000 and 2005, the figure was 23 percent. There is little doubt this process will become much more pronounced as the worldwide population increases to more than 8 billion people by 2030 and trade balances between countries continue to deepen.

It’s not just agricultural goods either. Wood packaging, foreign tourists and the ballast water of ships can all easily spread invasive species. As long as consumer goods are produced in China, coffee is shipped to United States ports from South America and summer vacations are spent in the tropics, pests will be transported to and fro.

For many environmentalists, this is less an economic issue than an environmental one. As fragile ecosystems suffer under the weight of human activity and climate change, an invasion by pests with no natural enemies in the area can mean extinction for many native species. Dr. John Randall, who works at UC Davis and runs the Nature Conservancy’s Invasive Species Team, believes this is a huge threat to biodiversity that must be combated first with prevention, but then with swift eradication plans when dangerous new pests are discovered.

“These pests change the character of our natural environments. It’s one more threat to an already beleaguered and limited area of wild vegetation and native species,” says Randall, who is unfamiliar with the specific situation of the LBAM. “If you’re able to identify, contain and eradicate a pest early, the number of pests in the area you have to treat is small and the costs are far smaller. It has been shown over and over again that the state and society spends far less with that kind of approach.

“So perhaps rushing forward with eradication plans even as comprehensive biological research lags behind is wise both for the nation’s food supply and environmental health.”

Not so, argues Carey. “CDFA and USDA right now just basically draw a bull’s-eye and say, ‘Kill!’ It’s not sophisticated at all,” says Carey. “The science needs to be coherent with the operational aspects. The agencies in academia need to work more closely on this. Right now—and I’m trying to change this—UC is really not involved at all, even though we’re the research arm of the state. CDFA, industry and academia all need to be on the same page here.”

Bartuska and Randall both echo this call for increased communication between researchers and policy makers. However, Randall believes this is only one of the many improvements that will need to be made as invasive species find almost daily opportunities to spread in an increasingly interdependent world.

“What we have now is not good enough nationally or internationally,” says Randall. “The bad news is that funding was cut to the CDFA in 2000 and has still not completely been restored. This has hurt the state Department of Agriculture’s ability to keep out pests.”

How the world deals with the invasive pest threat is yet to be seen, but work has already started on finding solutions, both within government and among conservation groups. Whether or not these solutions will be enough to overcome the formidable challenges invasive pests will pose this next century is an open question, even for experts such as Rice.

“We’re going to continue to see more of these invasive species come in, and we’ve known this for years.” says Rice. “This will be particularly true as we get into more of these trade agreements with other countries and the ability to ship things without really high levels of inspection and certification becomes commonplace. It’s going to get much more difficult. I see a lot more of this stuff coming down the road.”

Curing the Cure

Environmental and public-health activists have been beating down the doors of Bay Area legislators in Sacramento for the past three months, demanding they stand up to the CDFA as the agency powers forward with plans to aerially spray four counties with a synthetic pheromone to battle the LBAM. The legislators have apparently been listening.

On Friday, Feb. 22, a set of four bills related to the CDFA’s handling of the infestation surfaced in the State Assembly. Written by San Francisco assemblyman Mark Leno, AB 2760 would halt the aerial spraying, currently slated to begin on June 1, until the CDFA has drafted an environmental impact report. The EIR is still in the early stages; it would likely take well past June to be finalized. Under state law, an EIR is normally required before spraying pesticides, but an emergency exception was granted by the EPA last year.

Marin County assemblyman Jared Huffman wants to force pesticide manufacturers to release information on all the ingredients contained in their products before they’re used by any state agency, emergency or no. His bill, AB 2765 comes in the wake of pheromone manufacturer Suterra LLC’s refusal to disclose the ingredients in Checkmate-LBAM-F, citing its right to protect the information from potential competitors.

Rounding out the challenges to the emergency declaration issue, AB 2764, introduced by East Bay assemblywoman Loni Hancock, would make the governor the only public official who could proclaim a state of emergency requiring the spraying of pesticides over urban areas.

While these three bills respond to the loud accusations that the CDFA has ignored public concerns and plowed ahead with an eradication plan that puts human health at risk, at least one lawmaker is focusing on the overlooked issue of invasive pest planning.


Comedy Tonight

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03.26.08

Firearms on campus, fuel prices and foreclosures, five years of war and seven years of Washington shenanigans. There’s not a lot to laugh about these days. But laugh we must, and this season brings a plethora of high-caliber talent north of the bridge. From unannounced appearances by Robin Williams to live tapings of TV specials featuring George Carlin and Dana Carvey, comedy is flourishing.

Joking was always big in my house, from whipped-cream fights over dessert to making my younger sister’s friends crack up so hard that milk would spray from their little noses. My first live professional comedy experience came when I was in the eighth grade. My best friend, Ruder (he was the kind of kid who always got called by his last name), and his mom invited me to join them to see Bill Cosby perform at the University of Kansas. We set out for the 40-minute trip from suburban Kansas City with plenty of time to catch the earlier of the two shows scheduled for the evening—it was, after all a school night.

Mr. Cosby was very funny; at the time, he was the biggest comic star in America. He left the stage to a standing ovation, and, as if returning for an encore, came back to the microphone and somberly announced that Martin Luther King Jr. had been assassinated. The second show was cancelled, and the performer jumped on a plane and immediately flew to Atlanta to be with Coretta and the kids. Mrs. Ruder nervously escorted us back home.

Are comedy and tragedy two sides of the same coin? Marin comedian Mark Pitta thinks so. “Ed McMahon tells a story about Johnny Carson. He was doing a sketch about Abraham Lincoln. He had the stovepipe hat, the beard, the mole on the face, the whole deal. Well, the sketch bombs, they go to commercial and Johnny says to Ed, ‘Too soon.'”

On the other hand, Pitta, who hosts a weekly improv and sketch show every Tuesday night at Mill Valley’s 142 Throckmorton recalls being on the bill with Smokey Robinson just three days after 9-11. “We were debating whether to do it or not. The audience was so hot that night, it was cathartic, they were laughing so hard at things that weren’t supposed to be. They needed to laugh. It was odd.”

While TV sitcoms featuring standup comedians as stars—Seinfeld, Tim Allen, Ray Romano—have started to disappear from the tube, live comedy has come back. “There was a time you couldn’t turn on your TV without some comedy special,” says Marc Gurvitz, manager for Carvey, Bill Maher and Dennis Miller. “The big names now [have the luxury of] picking and choosing a venue and my guys just love the room,” he says of Santa Rosa’s Wells Fargo Center. “It feels intimate, and the audiences are great.”

“Sonoma County audiences are grateful these artists are here,” says Rick Bartalini, programming director for the venue. “They can experience the performance close to home.”

Indeed. North Bay resident and Saturday Night Live alum Dana Carvey changed the venue of his upcoming HBO taping from New York to Santa Rosa. One reason: the audience. “They’re smart, well-read and not cynical. They remind me of [the folks in] Minneapolis,” Carvey says. But with better weather. Carvey is on his cell, driving through Mill Valley on a sunny afternoon. He too mentions his fondness for the Wells Fargo Center. “It’s like I’m in the wheelhouse, the way the balcony wraps all the way around.”

Although attending one of the broadcast-bound shows at the Wells Fargo Center has a bit of a Hollywood vibe, there are strict guidelines sent to every audience member. For the recent George Carlin live feed, seat holders were instructed to arrive early, pick tickets up at will call 90 minutes before showtime. Forty minutes before the curtain went up, the lobby bar closed, and everyone had be seated a half hour before Carlin took the stage. And once seated, you had to stay there. God forbid you have to pee.

But, as Mark Pitta would like to remind you, the Wells Fargo Center is not the only room in town. You never know who you might see at his Tuesday-night soiree. Carvey has been working out the material he’ll use in Santa Rosa, as has Robin Williams, who showed up at the Mill Valley theater recently to try out jokes for his USO trip to Afghanistan and Iraq. “The show is always called ‘Mark Pitta and Friends,'” Pitta emphasizes. “The philosophy behind that is we don’t try to get people in the door because of a specific headliner. All the other clubs have to, they need to get the butts in the seats. We don’t know who’s gonna be there. So people just come to laugh, and they don’t care who they see. If they do see Richard Lewis or Dana or Kevin Pollack or Robin, it’s gravy. If they don’t see somebody ‘famous,’ they still see a great show.”

But the big names are the draw. “Two thousand eight will likely have more comedy than prior years,” Bartalini says. “It’s certainly shaping up that way.”

Catching a big name, especially a fellow North Bay neighbor, has its advantages. “I do a twenty-minute bit on Sebastopol,” Dana Carvey says. “It doesn’t play anywhere else. Nobody else gets it.”

More Fun

There are other opportunities to catch live comedy. Here is a peek at some upcoming gigs.Dana Carvey holds the house at the Wells Fargo Center for two nights, taping his new TV special. Friday&–Saturday, March 28&–29, at 7:30pm, no joke. $15&–$65; only standing-room tickets available. Radio hosts Bob & Tom bring their Comedy All-Stars Tour through with Kristi Lee, Donnie Baker, Bob Zany, Ralph Harris, Nick Griffin and Tim Bedore on Friday, April 4 at 7:30pm. $33.75.

The 14th annual Pride Comedy Night, starring Suzanne Westenhoefer, whose own sense of pride comes in part from working unscripted. The traditional dancing and music in the lobby follows this popular event for the LGBT community and beyond. Saturday, June 14, at 8pm. $25&–$35. Wells Fargo Center, 50 Mark West Springs Road, Santa Rosa. 707.546.3600.

The Best of the San Francisco International Stand-Up Comedy Competition carpets the North Bay, hosted by Mark Pitta and featuring headliner Paul Ogata and other alumni of this prestigious 32-year-old event. Wednesday, April 9 at Sonoma State University Cooperage, 1801 E. Cotati Ave., Rohnert Park. 8pm. $10; SSU students, free. 707.664.2382. Saturday, May 3, at the Napa Valley Opera House, 1030 Main St., Napa. 8pm. $35. 707.226.7372.

Mark Pitta hosts ongoing Tuesday-evening laff-fests with established comics and up-and-comers every week at 8pm. $15&–$20. Look for a special Mark Pitta and Friends event on Saturday, April 5, also at 8pm. 142 Throckmorton Theatre, 142 Throckmorton Ave., Mill Valley, 415.383.9600.The Mystic Theatre hosts the Four Bitchin’ Babes on Saturday, April 26, a musical revue that is emphatically not standup, but sounds like a lot of fun for the over-40 set anyway, as four musically inclined performers riff on marriage, kids, social mores, PMS and, of course, clothes. 23 Petaluma Blvd. N., Petaluma. 8pm. $25. 707.765.2121.

The Pachecho Playhouse occasionally hosts standup, as with their March 14 “Comedy Night.” Check www.pachecoplayhouse.org for possible further fun in May. Also under the radar are the sometimes shows hosted at Mary’s Futons. The next one is tentatively slated for June 8 (that could change) and will probably feature the ladies of Kung Pao Comedy, helping to raise monies for the Spectrum Center for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Concerns. Mary’s Futons, 4100 Redwood Hwy., San Rafael 415.472.2919.


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Modest Proposal

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03.26.08

F eb. 28, 2008

SUBJECT: BUSINESS PROPOSAL

Dear President Ahmadinejad and President Chavez:

To introduce myself, I currently serve on the board of a multibillion-dollar hedge fund. You might recognize the name of the fund, but I am not writing to you today in an official capacity. I am writing to you with a business proposal.

I have worked a total of 29 years on Wall Street, most of that time in executive positions. My résumé is attached.

Strange as it may seem for a person like me to say, I believe, like you, that America’s greed has done much to cause poverty and instability in the world. I am ashamed to be an American. Therefore, I am writing to you today with a business proposal. Please allow me to give you some background first.

Today, the dollar closed at another low vs. the Euro. This makes four days of new lows in the last week. Moving in the opposite direction, gold and oil both closed at their respective all-time highs. Many other dollar-denominated physical assets, like industrial metals and agricultural commodities, are also trading at historic highs. Why? Because they’re priced in dollars, and as the dollar falls it will take more dollars to buy the same pound of copper or bushel of corn. Meanwhile, you can’t give bonds away. Auction-rate bond failures approach 70 percent. Yields have doubled since January.

In my 29-year career, I’ve never seen anything like these markets. Nothing comes close. Not Black Monday, the Asian monetary crisis, the Russian bond defaults, the failure of Long Term Capital Management, the dotcom crash or even the terrible events of 9-11.

Today, America’s credit markets are starting to seize up. But the worst is yet to come. Up to the present, we’ve seen only one bubble burst, the residential real estate CMO market. But there are three more bubbles out there, each one bigger than the one before it, and each one ready to burst.

First, we have the bubble in the commercial real estate CMO market. Lots of subprime junk here. Tons of it. Like the residential real estate subprimes, the commercial subprimes were not rated as such. Just like residential subprimes, a lot of hedge funds are highly leveraged into this extremely credit-sensitive garbage.

Next we have the bubble in the private equity or CDO market. Garbage here, too. Think back at all the hundreds of billions of dollars in private equity deals that were done before this summer’s subprime mess. Get the picture?

Finally, we have the bubble in the credit-default swaps and related derivatives market. This is a $45.5 trillion monster. It scares me shitless.

In a front-page article on Sunday, Feb. 17, The New York Times reported on this obscure market. Worse than obscure, this market is also largely unregulated. Congress, the SEC and the NASD have all looked the other way as this market has grown. This lack of oversight is beyond shameful and irresponsible; it’s criminal and immoral. This lack of oversight in credit-default swaps screams out for a collapse.

Which brings me to my business proposal.

Enemies of the United States of America, take note. You want to fuck up the U.S.? Hire me. I’m not kidding. Hire me. This is a bona fide offer. With a few billion dollars, a trading platform and some expertise, we can bring down the house of cards known as the credit-default swap market. Heck, we can bring down the U.S.

Forget about suitcase nukes. Forget about anthrax. Forget about flying jetliners into skyscrapers. Forget about all forms of conventional terrorism. Hire me. I’ll assemble a team of traders, some IT guys and a few guys with prime brokerage experience, and together, with a bankroll from you, we’ll bring Wall Street down.

We’ll use the IT guys to build our own trading platform. I like a proprietary platform. Nice thing to own. The Russian Trading System is a good model. Next, we’ll also use the IT guys to build our own ATS (alternative trading system ) or ECN (electronic communications network). An ATS is a wormhole into the dark matter of the financial universe. You have to have at least one. More than one is better.

Then, our prime brokerage guys can do their thing. What they do is a form of wizardry. Prime brokers are wizards. They create new forms of money—swaps, derivatives and structured products—from nothing. They create portfolios from nothing. They are the merchants of mirrors. They buy, sell and trade illusions and chimeras.

Finally, I need a pile of chips to play this poker game, just a few billion dollars. What’s a few billion, if we can bring down a house of cards worth $45.5 trillion? And, oh, I forgot to mention something. We might make a few hundred billion for ourselves along the way, too.

Too much of a long shot, you say? Too fantastic? No, it’s not. It’s already happening.

So come on, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez. Hire me. Today may be a bad day for the United States, but it’s a good day for you. The dollar is coming to the end of its reign. And with the end of the dollar, together we can attack the credit markets and bring down everything else.

We can bring it all down. America’s preposterous wealth. America’s vulgar extravagances. America’s vanity. America’s hunger for power. America’s desperate need to be the second Roman Empire. We can do this.


News Blast

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ISSUEDATE

Last Tuesday, March 18, the Sonoma County Board of Supervisors voted 4-1 to green-light a gargantuan makeover of Alexander Valley’s River Rock Casino east of Geyserville. Sonoma County’s cut? A hundred million bucks, to be parsed out over a 12-year period. If Sonoma County’s $100 million sounds like an awful lot of dough, check the books. The presently operating and rather smallish River Rock tent casino brings in about $140 million in gaming receipts annually. In exchange for monies promised to the county, the Dry Creek Band of Pomo Indians gets to build a two-phase, 585-guest-room luxury spa resort.

One benefit a new casino resort promises is that once built, Highway 101 passersby will no longer feel compelled to ogle enormous gray parking structures plastered on the hillside behind the present casino. Judging from a River Rock artist’s rendition of the new complex, these earlier garages will be obscured by attractive walls and buildings that dwarf even the sprawling multileveled garages.

Tribal chairman Harvey Hopkins claims the project “will result in greater support for housing, education and health programs for the members of our sovereign nation, and will provide jobs for the entire Sonoma County community.”

Just two people voiced opposition to the memorandum of agreement at the county board’s March 18 meeting. One was Third District County Supe Tim Smith, the lone vote to deny the agreement. “I have felt from day one that these facilities,” Smith says, “are going to hurt the county and go against our general plan.” Smith continued, telling us, “And I question whether the compensation will be adequate to cover the expenses that will arise as a result of building the casino. I don’t think it should have been built there in the first place.”

When asked whether this marks the end of tribal casino proposals in the county, Smith referenced Graton Rancheria’s billion-dollar casino complex planned for incorporated lands west of Rohnert Park, and then alluded to another proposal to build a gambling hall outside Cloverdale.

Concluding its ongoing tug-of-war with Sonoma County assures the Dry Creek Pomo that that county will not stand in the tribe’s way in obtaining a liquor license, though certain limitations regarding where, when and what can be served on the premises will apply. The agreement also calls for the tribe to ice plans to build a second casino on 277 acres just south of Petaluma along Highway 101—but only for the next eight years—and to earmark tribal properties running next to the Petaluma River as unimproved wetlands.


Freedom of Hate Speech

03.26.08

N early six and a half years ago, Novato High School’s student newspaper, The Buzz , published a controversial editorial entitled “Immigration.” Penned by the paper’s journalism program student-elected opinion editor, Andrew Smith, then a senior, “Immigration” suggested non-English-speaking immigrants be stopped and questioned. “Seems to me,” Smith wrote, “that the only reason why they can’t speak English is because they are illegal.” Smith advised, “If a person looks suspicious, then just stop them and ask a few questions, and if they answer ‘Que?’ detain them and see if they are legal.”

Smith went on to suggest that peace officers “should treat these people the way cops would treat a suspected criminal.” In fact, Smith claimed many undocumented aliens were just that. “Criminals usually flee here in order to escape their punishment.” Smith suggested that illegals work “manual labor while being paid under the table tax-free,” and are often involved in “drug dealing, robbery or even welfare.”

Reaction to Smith’s op-ed was swift. Many Novato community members were outraged by the piece. On Nov. 14, 2001, the day following publication of Smith’s editorial, about 150 students and parents met to protest it on the Novato High School campus. In response, the school’s superintendent ordered all remaining copies of the paper be seized, and a letter sent to Novato parents insisting Smith’s op-ed should never have found its way into print because it “negatively presented immigrants in general and Hispanics in particular.”

Smith felt his First Amendment rights were infringed upon and that he was being unfairly blamed for writing something both the school principal and his journalism teacher had originally OK’d. Moreover, because of the school administration’s irresponsible and arbitrary actions, Smith felt that he had suffered harassment, ridicule, taunts and that he had “become a target.”

“The only reason I wrote the article and the way I wrote it,” Smith told Fox News, “was to get people to read it and to think about the topic I was presenting.”

On May 2, 2001, Smith’s father, Dale Smith, filed a civil suit on behalf of his son in Marin County Superior Court. The suit claimed that because Andrew Smith had expressed an unpopular opinion, he had been illegally censored.

Thirteen years prior, in 1988, the United States Supreme Court gave public school officials the right to censor their school newspaper’s content, ruling that such abridgement does not violate a student-author’s First Amendment right to free speech. However, the State of California’s public school code Section 48907 ensures each student’s right to free expression unless it “so incites students as to create a clear and present danger of the regulations, or the substantial disruption of the orderly operation of the school.”

This alleged incitement became the basis of the Novato school district’s claim that they had acted legally and responsibly in the case of Smith’s op-ed piece. The larger question was, which would take precedence, state or federal law?

The Smith family obtained counsel from the conservative Sacramento-based Pacific Legal Foundation. Their case was heard first by Marin County Superior Court Judge John A. Sutro Jr., who ruled in favor of the Novato Unified School District. Sutro upheld the school’s right to both remove Smith’s first op-ed piece, as well as allowing them to set limiting conditions on a second piece he’d written on the subject of “reverse discrimination.” This second piece never found its way into print.

Shortly after the Smith lawsuit was filed, Novato Unified School District spokesperson Dianne Pavia said, “It was never the district’s intent to usurp any student’s rights to freedom of speech, but the school district is charged by law to consider issues of safety and disruption to educational programs.”

California State’s First District Court of Appeal disagreed. On May 22 of last year, they reversed the Marin County Superior Court decision, ruling that the school district had indeed usurped Smith’s free speech rights. Speaking for the court, Justice Linda M. Gemollo wrote, “Schools may only prohibit speech that incites disruption, either because it specifically calls for a disturbance or because the manner of expression (as opposed to the content of the ideas) is so inflammatory that the speech itself provokes the disturbance.” Andrew Smith was awarded a declaration that his protected speech rights had been violated, along with $1 in nominal damages.

Novato’s school district challenged the Appeal Court ruling, taking the case before the highest court in the land. On Feb. 19 of this year, the United States Supreme Court decided against hearing Smith v. Novato Unified School District , giving precedence to California’s code 48907 over its own 1988 Supreme Court ruling, thus letting stand the Appeals Court decision favoring the Smiths.

In response to the Supreme Court deciding to forgo the case, Paul J. Beard II, the Smiths’ lead attorney said, “Andrew Smith can now claim a conclusive victory. But in a larger sense, all student journalists in California are winners, because this case establishes once and for all that they can’t be censored for not conforming to some ideological agenda.”


Mediterranean Mayhem

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music & nightlife |

By Gabe Meline

F ounded over 2,700 years ago by Greek Corinthians, Southern Italy’s ancient Sicilian city of Syracuse might not seem like the likeliest nest for a challenging, angular art-rock band who spell their name with a conspicuous apostrophe. Not, at least, until 1998, when Suzanne’Silver, four Sicilians in a city of 125,000, decided to change the landscape of their historic area completely. Ten years later, emboldened by a lot of time spent listening to Sonic Youth, Shellac, the Fall and Unwound, Suzanne’Silver are hitting the West Coast to wreak their Mediterranean mayhem on the shores of the Pacific.

According to the band’s website, the roots of Suzanne’Silver were similar to just about any rock band across the world. “We were teens,” it says, “and play rock ‘n’ roll not to think suicidin’. Sicily’s a very hot country, the soil burns, we don’t wanna work.” Ah, the enviable languor of the Europeans.

Southern Italy has long been associated with the Calabrian mafia, whose historic folk songs contrast beautiful melodies with ruthless tales of revenge and murder. Suzanne’Silver flips the traditional equation around, performing clamorous and nearly malfunctioning music, completely estranged from cuddly pop forms; the lyrical references cascade with such unthreatening subject matter as orange trees, sand dunes and crescent moons. Just as the ruins of Syracuse’s faded Roman Amphitheatre crumble into dust, so too does the conventional structure of Sicilian music crumble under the shirtless and unshaven modernity of Suzanne’Silver.

Suzanne’Silver appear with Wisdom Teeth, from Olympia, Wash., and local de-evolutionist ape-worshippers the Semi-Evolved Simians on Thursday, March 27, at the Last Record Store, 1899-A Mendocino Ave., Santa Rosa. 5pm. Free. 707.525.1963.




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Outside Lands Festival – Full Lineup Announced

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Just got back from the Warriors game. Seven separate heart attacks. Baron matching Kobe point-for-point. Behind-the-back, over-the-shoulder layups and insane hail marys. Last few minutes, the lead dribbles back and forth. Bell: tied. Overtime. Place is in a frenzy. Came down to four seconds left. Monta gets a whistle and it’s bullshit. Kobe sinks two from the line and it’s over. Lakers 123, Warriors 119.
After pounding for three hours, my heart wasn’t even strong enough to break.
You see a game like that, you think you’ve seen it all. But no. I got home and caught the just-announced full lineup for the Outside Lands Festival in Golden Gate Park on August 22, 23, and 24. Have you taken a look at everyone that’s playing this thing?!
I’ve got my own draft picks for the festival: Broken Social Scene, M. Ward, Manu Chao, Radiohead, Sharon Jones, Black Mountain, The Cool Kids, Lyrics Born, Tom Petty, Two Gallants, Nellie McKay, Primus, Steve Winwood, Beck, Little Brother, The Coup, Drive-by Truckers, Cafe Tacuba, and K’naan is where you’ll find me.
Also on board for the weekend: Wilco, Ben Harper, Widespread Panic, Rodrigo y Gabriela, Regina Spektor, Jack Johnson, Devendra Banhart, Cold War Kids, Andrew Bird, Steel Pulse, ALO, Matt Nathanson, Dredg, Grace Potter, Donovan Frankenreiter, Mother Hips, Sidestepper, Goapele, Bon Iver, Ivan Neville, Sean Hayes, Felice Brothers, Rupa & the April Fishes, and Back Door Slam.
Here’s the turnaround: 3-day general admission tickets are $225.50 – before service charges. I’ve got a feeling that single-day tickets will be available before too long.
Check the full details online here. Tickets go on sale this Sunday, March 30.
Chalk up another slam dunk for the folks at Another Planet, who in addition to booking the Independent and the Greek Theater are also forging ahead with the return of their excellent Treasure Island Festival in September.
Music fans: stoked. Warriors fans: hosed.

Annie Leibovitz at the Legion of Honor

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I wasn’t planning on stopping by the Annie Leibovitz exhibit at the Legion of Honor, A Photographer’s Life: 1990-2005, but I’m glad I did, if only to now have the authority to say that I shouldn’t have. It’s a very personal collection, burdened with the weight of death, and though there might have been some emotional strength that went into its assemblage—at least in the many photos of her dying father, her dying lover, and the birth and growth of her two children—I was neither wowed by its artistic merit nor moved by its naked storytelling. The overtly “revealing” timbre of the exhibit, in fact, reminded me of Lauryn Hill’s indulgent Unplugged album, which is a total piece of “this is the real me” crap that no one ever wants to suffer through again.

Visitors gathered instead, shoulder-to-shoulder, in the exhibit’s sadistically narrow “celebrity hallway,” packed with hundreds of tiny prints and magazine pages of Leibovitz’s famous photos. Likewise, there was much crowding around larger photographs sprinkled throughout the exhibit; of the famously pregnant Demi Moore, of Johnny Cash on his porch, of Queen Elizabeth II without her crown. And there was surely lots of talk, on the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war, around Leibovitz’s 2001 “Evil Empire” photograph of Bush, Cheney, Rice, Powell, Rumsfeld, Card and Tenet.

Many of these photos, and especially the gigantic landscape prints from Monument Park and Venice, are dazzling, and contain insightful and often sardonic descriptions by Leibovitz about her process (remarking on her portrait of Richard Avedon, she essentially says that Avedon knew how to take portraits correctly and that she still does not). But there’s an extreme sense of disconnect with the many, many personal photos, the banal explanations of which are like a very dull person’s slide-show commentary—“We went here. We did this.” The show’s accompanying $75.00, eight-pound book hopefully offers some more insight, but the choice of letting the viewer make up their own mind about these images is misguided.

At the end of it all, I can say two things. 1) I still really like Annie Liebovitz quite a lot, and 2) If I have to look at another photograph of Susan Sontag, I am going to throw up.

The Velvet Teen at the Phoenix Theater

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Partway through the Velvet Teen’s set last night at the Phoenix, Judah Nagler started noodling on the keyboard, playing snippets of music from game shows and Nintendo games. The crowd, of course, loved it, just as everyone at the Phoenix, whether they knew it or not, loved what it represented: that the Velvet Teen is loosening up. Weathering a difficult third album, a major lineup change, and a sporadic schedule, the band’s finally got their shit dialed back in, and last night’s show was the best Velvet Teen show I’ve seen in two years.
The set started with one of a few new songs—a good sign—but it wasn’t too long before they dipped into an oft-neglected back catalog, namely a brilliantly reworked “Red Like Roses” from Out Of The Fierce Parade. The opening keyboard chords, instantly recognizable, gave way to atmospheric guitar sounds from Matthew Izen that washed through the song like windblown silk. “Penecillin” sounded amazing, marking the welcome return of preset laptop tracks, and “Forlorn,” having found its home at the piano again, resonated across the crowd.
Sometimes I think the Velvet Teen should just re-record Cum Laude. “333” and “Building a Whale” have evolved into the violent Casey Deitz-driven juggernauts they were always meant to be, and the delicate mannerisms in the band’s expansive, slower version of “Noi Boi” bring out the song’s inner beauty. All told, it’s like they’ve settled in, kicked off their shoes, watched some Jeopardy! and played some Super Mario Bros., and learned how to breathe as a band again.
The topper on the band’s excellent set was the surprise encore—”Chimera Obscurant,” all 13 crashing, crazy minutes of it. For, like, the first time in forever. It’s a favorite of mine for reasons too long to get into here, and the Velvet Teen drove it straight through the heart of a raptured crowd, ditching the “free speech shouldn’t cost” stop and letting it just roll on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Pure bliss.
Opening bands: I missed Goodriddler, which sucks because Nick’s amazing, and I watched all of Aloha and remained underwhelmed. They’re like the band that has a lot of great things going for them—distorted vibes, interesting guitar phrases, an incredible drummer—but somehow they just don’t add up. My friend Josh is all over ’em (“Sugar is sweet!” he remarked of the band’s 2002 full-length, completely unaware of what he’d just said), which is a sign that in five years, I’ll come around and slap myself on the head.
At the end of the night, people were still talking about Body or Brain, who played the lobby. Best new band right now, no contest. Upbeat, hyperjangly infectious pop, led by Jakie Lieber, a madman. Jakie plays unbelievable riffs on the electric guitar with his bare hands, no pick, and he simultaneously moves around like a clock spring that’s frantically uncoiling. I hunched down near the floor and watched as he jumped, kicked, slung the guitar around his back, tap-danced, did the fucking splits, and moonwalked, all while playing the guitar and not missing a note. I met him a few weekends ago while writing an article about his hardcore band, the Grand Color Crayon, and he’s also got solo recordings that sound like Doug Martsch’s acoustic stuff. Is there anything the kid can’t do? I mean, besides finally move out of Napa someday?
(Jakie jumps around way too fast to be photographed, and this is the best I could do. —–>)

Boredoms at the Fillmore

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Unless you own a ticket stub from seeing God, I can guarantee that you’ve never seen anything like the Boredoms.
As for me, I’d witnessed neither deity when I bought my tickets to Tuesday’s show at the Fillmore, but after what can only be described as one of the most inspiring and incredible performances ever given, I feel like I got a 2-for-1 deal.
First off, the band set up in the middle of the floor of the Fillmore, with towers of speakers placed in each corner of the room. Three drum sets bordered the stage, all facing each other, alongside a gigantic tower of electric guitars, sawed flat at the ends and bracketed together with their necks sticking out on either side. Racks of electronics, percussion, keyboards, and amplifiers lined the circular setup, and the Fillmore’s lights landed squarely in the center of it all like a boxing ring. In other words: holy shit.
The Boredoms, one by one, entered through the crowd and climbed on stage, and all the lights went out—even the Fillmore’s purple chandeliers. Boredoms ringleader Yamatsuka Eye appeared with illuminated globes on his hands, and an unholy static ravaged the speakers, like an extraterrestrial message that flitted in and out of recognizance as Eye thrashed his arms around and around. His head tilted back towards the ceiling, and he repeatedly shouted something resembling “hello,” as if trying to contact life on other planes in the swarm of strange theremin-like hand noise.
Suddenly, three drummers simultaneously pounded a propulsive, hectic beat, and Eye worked an electronics board, adding more and more layers to the already thick sound. A slowly building crescendo built dramatically over the next six minutes, until Eye grabbed a five-foot staff and, with a sweeping, athletic motion, slammed it against the tower of electric guitars, striking all seven necks at once with a powerful, thundering curdle of distortion that shook the entire audience like the walls of Jericho. The drums raced on, and Eye flipped his dreadlocks around to shout more things to the sky, slamming himself upon the tower of guitars, and I’ll be damned if somewhere in the middle of it all I didn’t see the ceiling open up and the divine light of salvation fill the room.
This was no regular noise jam: throughout the set, a tight compositional structure was clear, despite the grand illusion of improvisational mania. Themes emerged, then disappeared, then re-emerged 20 minutes later. Yoshimi turned away from her drums and played keyboards, then sang, then turned back to her drums to participate in triple call-and-response drum fills while singing. Eye adjusted the capos placed on the guitars to create different notes, beating their strings individually in repeating patterns and hammering away at them collectively during climaxes with cymbals and vocals.
How does one react to this music? Many stared, agape and dumbfounded. Some threw their arms up and pumped their fists. Still others tried various forms of interpretive swirly-dancing, appropriately coinciding with the sounds swirling around all four corners of the room. I didn’t know how to react; I was mesmerized. When it ended, over an hour later, the crowd clapped and clapped and clapped and probably didn’t even want an encore—we all just needed to.
But the most amazing thing, I think, is that after a full set of Olympic gymnastics, after jumping and heaving and dancing, and after a beautiful encore that eventually came and closed the night out with appropriate serenity, Eye climbed off the stage and onto a pair of crutches, hobbling backstage. Can Eye really not walk, and could all of that energy and physical exertion really have come from a disabled man? Unbelievable.

Invasive Procedures

03.26.08The dust swirls around Central Coast farmer Tom Broz as he surveys the empty field that will soon be sprouting Live Earth Farm's tomatoes. In a few months, he'll go through the annual ritual of hanging twist-ties drenched with pheromones around his farm to disrupt the mating of the codling moth. The ritual requires money, labor and time—three things...

Comedy Tonight

03.26.08Firearms on campus, fuel prices and foreclosures, five years of war and seven years of Washington shenanigans. There's not a lot to laugh about these days. But laugh we must, and this season brings a plethora of high-caliber talent north of the bridge. From unannounced appearances by Robin Williams to live tapings of TV specials featuring George Carlin and...

Modest Proposal

03.26.08F eb. 28, 2008 SUBJECT: BUSINESS PROPOSALDear President Ahmadinejad and President Chavez:To introduce myself, I currently serve on the board of a multibillion-dollar hedge fund. You might recognize the name of the fund, but I am not writing to you today in an official capacity. I am writing to you with a business proposal.I have worked a total of...

News Blast

ISSUEDATELast Tuesday, March 18, the Sonoma County Board of Supervisors voted 4-1 to green-light a gargantuan makeover of Alexander Valley's River Rock Casino east of Geyserville. Sonoma County's cut? A hundred million bucks, to be parsed out over a 12-year period. If Sonoma County's $100 million sounds like an awful lot of dough, check the books. The presently operating...

Freedom of Hate Speech

03.26.08N early six and a half years ago, Novato High School's student newspaper, The Buzz , published a controversial editorial entitled "Immigration." Penned by the paper's journalism program student-elected opinion editor, Andrew Smith, then a senior, "Immigration" suggested non-English-speaking immigrants be stopped and questioned. "Seems to me," Smith wrote, "that the only reason why they can't speak English is...

Mediterranean Mayhem

music & nightlife | By...

Outside Lands Festival – Full Lineup Announced

Just got back from the Warriors game. Seven separate heart attacks. Baron matching Kobe point-for-point. Behind-the-back, over-the-shoulder layups and insane hail marys. Last few minutes, the lead dribbles back and forth. Bell: tied. Overtime. Place is in a frenzy. Came down to four seconds left. Monta gets a whistle and it's bullshit. Kobe sinks two from the line and...

Annie Leibovitz at the Legion of Honor

I wasn’t planning on stopping by the Annie Leibovitz exhibit at the Legion of Honor, A Photographer’s Life: 1990-2005, but I’m glad I did, if only to now have the authority to say that I shouldn’t have. It’s a very personal collection, burdened with the weight of death, and though there might have been some emotional strength that went...

The Velvet Teen at the Phoenix Theater

Partway through the Velvet Teen's set last night at the Phoenix, Judah Nagler started noodling on the keyboard, playing snippets of music from game shows and Nintendo games. The crowd, of course, loved it, just as everyone at the Phoenix, whether they knew it or not, loved what it represented: that the Velvet Teen is loosening up. Weathering a...

Boredoms at the Fillmore

Unless you own a ticket stub from seeing God, I can guarantee that you've never seen anything like the Boredoms. As for me, I'd witnessed neither deity when I bought my tickets to Tuesday's show at the Fillmore, but after what can only be described as one of the most inspiring and incredible performances ever given, I feel like I...
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