Revenge of the Rushpublicans

Or, It Could Still Happen Here


Dateline: Washington, D.C. June 10, 2013

White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter looks stunning in sleeveless turtleneck business attire. And she’s all business as she steps to the pressroom podium.

 “Good morning. As you all know, the president recognizes that each of our constitutional freedoms stems from Christian initiative conjoined with personal responsibility and the inalienable right to privately own things. But she also realizes that other stuff changes over time. For example, corporations, once thought of as mere fabricated constructs, have rightly been deemed real people for a century or more. Change, then, is what makes America great. Consequently, President Palin has sent her personal spokesperson here today to announce new realignments in and reforms to federal departments and administration cabinet positions, as well as her pick for the next Supreme Court justice.”

Coulter levels an in-all-sincerity gaze at the press assemblage. “To outline these changes, and to introduce the next Supreme, I’m turning the podium over to presidential adviser and the nation’s number one talk show host, Rush Limbaugh.”

Limbaugh charges up from the rear of the room dressed in a fashionable black muumuu, replete with a tiny U.S. flag pin, arms pumping up and down, while the press corps stand and applaud.

“Thank you, Ann.” Limbaugh points to the press secretary, smirking and giving her a knowing wink. Limbaugh then smiles widely at a room chock-full of Fox News and Clear Channel journalists. “All right then, just like I said exactly four years ago: this nation, and a certain former president, were both heading for disaster. Naturally, I was absolutely spot-on. But thanks to multitudes of right-minded freedom lovers, we’re beginning to turn this mess around.”

The big guy licks a fat index finger, drawing a huge check in the air before exuding, “The entire country has since dittoed me on that, electing a leader in line with basic American Republican tenets we all hold so dear; a president who believes less government is more, believes in traditional moral values, fewer taxes, American military might, together with the free-enterprising pursuit of accumulative happiness. And because our party heeded my clarion call for conservative purity, we now enjoy majorities in both houses of Congress, have recently elected the first woman ever to the highest office in the land and have turned our attention to reforming the federal courts. In a nutshell, we have arrived, making it high time to implement our vast and unyielding freedom agenda.”

Sensing the drama he is about to impart, Limbaugh opens his mouth wide, pausing and breathing heavily, allowing tension to mount, before saying, “Today, with our nation suffering though this horrendous Democrat Party Depression, we can ill afford, nor do our citizens want, the many corruptions that socialist nanny states force upon their inhabitants. Consequently, President Palin has decreed that from this day forward there will be no Department of Labor, no Department of Housing and Urban Development, no Health and Human Services, no EPA and, of course, no Department of Education. Moreover, to fulfill the president’s repeated campaign pledge, today she has signed executive orders eliminating both the Internal Revenue Service and the Social Security Administration.”

A lone voice pipes up from the back of the room. “But this is illegal. Congress must—”

“Helen, let me assure you every action set forth today meets the letter of the law,” Limbaugh counters, before leaning over and whispering to an aide that he usher Ms. Thomas out.

Over the course of the next hour, Rush Limbaugh, the president’s personal adviser, regales his simpatico Fourth Estate with plans to create three new agencies, including the departments of Media Truth and Christian Affairs, “which will distribute monies exclusively to those institutions which meet rigorous academic criteria, and whose students pass specified tests.”

Finally, Limbaugh, with the passion and zeal of a P. T. Barnum, reveals President Palin’s Supreme Court pick. “This person is not simply a woman,” Limbaugh notes. “Even before attending the University of Chicago Law School, she embarked upon a career at the State Department and at the U.S. Agency for International Development. Since then she has worked both in private practice and as a deputy assistant secretary of state. Plus, she comes from a distinguished and honorable family of selfless public servants.” Limbaugh grandiloquently motions to the door behind the curtain, “Meet your next Supreme Court justice—Liz Cheney.” 

Open Mic is now a weekly feature in the Bohemian. We welcome your contribution. To have your topical essay of 700 words considered for publication, write [email protected]


Craftwork Coworking Healdsburg