The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You

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“The Texas state motto, begun in 1930, is ‘friendship.’ The motto, purportedly chosen because the name of Texas or Tejas was the Spanish pronunciation of the local Indian tribe’s word ‘teyshas’ or ‘thecas,’ meaning ‘friends’ or ‘allies.’” Yet it is no secret how racial and cultural minorities—Afro-Americans, Mexican-Americans, Native-Americans—were treated in Texas over the last two centuries, before and after gaining statehood.

We should remember that Texas was a part of the Confederacy at the beginning of the Civil War, supplying men, munitions and money; and who could forget the history book reading, the misguided quote that justified and rewrote a dark chapter of manifest destiny—yet another land grab—with “Remember the Alamo.”

Sadly, that motto should be qualified once again; to exclude certain women, the pregnant ones—we’ll call them the Pregnant-Americans—the ones currently residing in the Lone Star State. For they certainly are not being treated in a friendly manner. Racial and cultural minorities are given hyphenated status—their skin colors and cultural identities are definable. And God bless them for it, for all the invaluable gifts they have given to this country! But pregnant women are another story—not defined by those factors just mentioned, but by their physical condition—and they have choices.

This decision, from “the new, improved Supreme Court,” displays  a callous disregard for the rights of women—many who are low income—regarding their abortion rights, and punishes those who assist them. A decision that is staggering in its scope and implications. It not only ignores trauma that may have been inflicted to cause conception—it has additionally erased the timeline to six weeks or a medical opinion to terminate a pregnancy.

But, frightening as well, is the use of government-sanctioned vigilantism—a method adopted by dictatorships, that turn citizens against one another—and will present a new paradigm for enforcement of law in this country.

So, unfortunately for some, and for perhaps far too many it’s true, “The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You.

‘Galatea’ Soars

Sci-fi shines onstage

Science fiction has long been the purview of film and, to a lesser extent, television. Live theatrical productions of the genre are few and far between, undoubtedly because of the challenges in staging what we have become accustomed to seeing on screen via the CGI extravaganzas of the past few decades.

Local playwright and former Bohemian contributor David Templeton took on those challenges with his latest play, Galatea, running now through Sept. 19 at the Spreckels Performing Arts Center in Rohnert Park. Proof of Covid vaccination and masking are required to attend.

Set in the year 2167 on an Earth-orbiting space station, robot specialist Dr. Margaret Mailer (Sindu Singh) is conducting a sort of therapy session with Seventy-One (Abbey Lee), a recently discovered “synthetic” who is the last known survivor of the spaceship Galatea, a craft that mysteriously disappeared over 100 years prior and whose wreckage was discovered decades later.

Seventy-One’s memories of events are spotty at best. Whether those lapses of memory are genuine malfunctions or purposeful deceptions are what Doctors Mailer and Hughes (Chris Schloemp) must determine as they seek to answer the question “What happened to the Galatea?”

Templeton wrote an excellent script which has already been recognized with an honorable mention by the 2020 Theatre Bay Area Will Glickman Award committee. The Award is usually presented to the Bay Area’s best newly produced play but was expanded to productions, including this one, that were suspended due to Covid.

Director Marty Pistone, who counts among his sci-fi credentials an appearance as “Controller #2” in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, has two terrific actors as his leads. Lee, a performer best known for her work in musical comedies, is outstanding in the role of Seventy-One. She takes commonly-accepted robot tropes and brings layers of character to her interpretation. Singh brings warmth, intelligence and a bulldog’s determination to the role of Dr. Mailer. Two hours of talk on a spaceship may seem a bit dry, but the two parrying back and forth nicely deepens the mystery before ultimately resolving it—though some of the comedic bits run long.

The design work of Elizabeth Bazzano, Eddy Hansen and Jessica Johnson combines the familiar with the futuristic and nicely avoids overwhelming the story with gadgetry. The centerpiece is a window on the world of the future, a simple-but-apt metaphor for the play itself. 

By the end of the evening, the question “What happened to the Galatea?” is answered (a superfluous epilogue notwithstanding). The question “Will audiences come out for an unknown play?” still hangs heavy in the stratosphere.  

They should.

‘Galatea’ runs through Sept. 19 at Spreckels Performing Arts Center, 5409 Snyder Lane, Rohnert Park. Thursday–Saturday, 7:30pm; Sunday, 2pm. Tickets $12–$26. 707.588.3400. www.spreckelsonline.com

Letters to the Editor: Recall Thoughts and Editorial Appreciation

No Recall

I am a student at one of California’s community colleges, and I am writing to urge readers to vote “No” on the upcoming recall election. With the entire West Coast on fire and Covid cases higher than ever across the country, we simply cannot afford to turn over control of the state to anti-science Republican candidates who have stated they will eliminate mask mandates and vaccine requirements, and will support the profits of big donors over the safety of Californians from the virus and natural disasters exacerbated by climate change. Additionally, Newsom has fought for the working class by doubling the size of California’s Earned Income Tax Credit in 2019, sending cash to low-wage workers. This expansion also includes a supplemental boost for taxpayers with young children. Newsom has continued to help those most vulnerable to be displaced during this pandemic by extending rent and utility debt relief with a $5.2 billion pot of federal cash to help Californians pay their back rent. This recall is a blatant attack on the civil rights, liberties and policies that are supported by the vast majority of Californians. My future and the future of other young people in the state are dependent on preventing California from going backward. To protect the future we’re working towards, please vote “No” in this recall.

Marlen Gil Velazquez

Sunnyvale

We’re Blushing

Editor, I enjoyed your fresh, fun, incisive writing in the 8/25/21 North Bay Bohemian. Write on …. (!) Unlike you, too many popular media columnists I read do not have the talent you possess.

Daniel Edelstein

Novato

Culture Crush: Art openings, conversations with biologists, and a return to in-person theatre

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Sebastopol

Retrograde

Pakistani-American artist Aatika Rehman is saying goodbye to Northern California after 13 years spent here painting, growing and raising her four daughters together with her husband Sami. Deeply in love with natural beauty and vibrant communities, Aatika and her family are ready for the next chapter and will be relocating to Colorado. Aatika’s show, “Saying Goodbye,” features her signature style work; splashy, vibrant, vital abstracts that dance color across the canvas and through your senses. This collection is an homage to her life and journey in Northern California, and is on view—and for sale—at local and woman-owned cafe Retrograde Roasters in Sebastopol, and will be viewable until the end of September. Stop in for a latte and a look at Aatika’s vital nod to Northern California. Retrograde Roasters is located on 130 S. Main St. #103, Sebastopol, and cafe hours are Monday–Friday, 11am to 5pm, and Saturday–Sunday, 11am to 4pm. “Saying Goodbye” is on display through Sept. 30. For more information about the artist visit aatikarehman.com.

San Rafael 

Forest Meadows

The Box, by Playwright Sarah Shourd and her team—with support from the Art for Justice Fund, the Pulitzer Center and individual donors—is a piece of transformational theater that asks us to re-examine long-held notions of punishment. In the wake of acute isolation in 2020, the American mindset has drastically changed, and we are now called to re-examine the severe effects of solitary confinement on the human psyche, and whether or not using isolation as a form of punishment is effective or even humane. The Box is based on true stories of resistance to solitary confinement, including Sarah Shourd’s own experience as a political hostage in Iran’s Evin Prison, where she endured solitary confinement for 410 days. The Bay Area Premiere is 7pm, Friday, Sept. 10 at Forest Meadows Amphitheatre, 890 Belle Ave., San Rafael. Doors will open at 7pm, and performances will be followed by an engagement circle that ends at 9:30pm. Tickets are $40 each. Visit https://tinyurl.com/2v7ykxhn to buy tickets. If you are formerly incarcerated, directly impacted by incarceration and/or need a free ticket, please email ma********@**************re.org.

Santa Rosa

Left Edge Theatre 

Left Edge Theatre, a resident company of Luther Burbank Center for the Arts, returns to in-person theater for its seventh season, which opens with two spectacular one-acts: I and You and Beautiful Monsters. I and You, written by Laura Gunderson is a love story between high-school students Caroline and Anthony, built around a poetry assignment on Whitman’s Leaves of Grass, which leads the two towards a much deeper mystery which binds them, and addresses the strange and labyrinthian quality of human connection. Beautiful Monsters, featuring Taylor Diffenderfer, John Browning, Zach Hasbany, Grace Kent and Jackie Threlfal, is an interpretive and experimental piece, using dance, music and language to emphasize what 2020 took from us, and what it gave. Structured around the obituary of two lovers who never touched, this piece is connection without connection—the union of two forever separated. The show runs from Sept. 4–19, with shows Friday and Saturday at 7pm and Sundays at 2pm. Tickets are available online at Leftedgetheatre.com.

Occidental

Occidental Center for the Arts 

“Where Literature Meets Science” is a conversation between novelist Susan M. Gaines and poet Maya Khosla, moderated by Ray Holley. “Where Literature Meets Science” promises to be a lively, informative and inspiring conversation between two women deeply versed in biology, ornithology and the ethos of nature. Susan M. Gaines’ books include the novels Accidentals and Carbon Dreams, and the science book Echoes of Life. Maya Khosla is a wildlife biologist and writer, currently working on a film about being fire-wise. Her books include All the Fires of Wind and Light, poetry from Sixteen Rivers Press. This is a free, outdoor event, Sunday Sept. 12, from 4–6pm, with refreshments and signed books available for purchase. OCA recommends bringing a cushion or lawn chair. This event is brought to you by OCA’s Literary Committee. Occidental Center for the Arts, 3850 Doris Murphy Court, Occidental. 707.874.9392. occidentalcenterforthearts.org

Punks Care for Humanity

No-BS DIY homeless benefit puts proceeds where they count

Nikki Howard, member of the Santa Rosa branch of the punk collective, Pyrate Punx, declares: 

“We support all local shit.”

I met with Nikki and her collaborators, Alec Nordschow and Bob-0 Cushway, at the home of Nikki and Bob-0, married, to talk about their upcoming benefit concert for the homeless. 

It is obvious, from the half-dozen bright faces that pop over the back gate in 52 minutes of interview, that this couple knows how to take care of a community. “We’re doing the Bohemian interview,” Bob-0 calls to each of them in turn.

Shy smiles framed by a dirty rainbow of hair colors, the visitors half-wave, then let themselves into the house as if it is their own. It’s very clear they all heard I was coming.

Bob-0 continues explaining that it is not a homeless problem. “It’s a problem for the homeless,” he says. “It sucks to be homeless.”

He means that, often carless, jobless and effectively without family, the homeless have little to no recourse to earn even the most basic living.

No doubt the reader has seen homeless populations increasingly visible here in Sonoma County and throughout the Bay Area. Look around and it is clear that government policy fails to address the real needs of the homeless population.

And that awareness alone raises the question: Is it enough to wait for Congress to address the complex issues that surround the ever-intensifying mess of poverty and food insecurity?

While progressive lawmakers are starting to make noise about funding the “care infrastructure,” the rosiest timeline for such a policy will do nothing for those members of our community sleeping outside tonight. And tomorrow night. And the next night.

Some say we need to do more in our communities to address the human comfort and security of the homeless people we now pass on the street every day.

The Pyrates suggest we think about what people really need. What if tonight’s cramps are not from hunger, but rather from that part of a woman’s cycle just before the blood of mammalian motherhood flows beautifully into the world? Should dozens of women in Petaluma, Santa Rosa, San Rafael and Marin City go to sleep by the edge of the road calculating if the change tucked into their socks is enough for breakfast and a box of tampons?

All hail those who are taking charge of helping our most vulnerable community members—the unsheltered, the uncared for, the forgotten. Queue the “Socks and Tampons for the Homeless” benefit concert organized by the North Bay Pyrate Punx at the Phoenix Theater in Petaluma this Saturday, which includes the bands George Crustanza, Wayfairy and Hunting Lions.

The show highlights local bands, artists and businesses who care deeply about this issue. In addition to enjoying the punk rock blasting from the stage, and playfully dodging the skaters thrashing the Phoenix’s signature half-pipe mosh pit, concert-goers can bid on the silent auction.

Contributors to the silent auction include Heebe Jeebe General Store, Bodega Surf Shack, Tomales Bay Oyster Company, Noble Folk Ice Cream and Moonlight Brewing Co. Punk art will be on display for bidding, including the original of the now-infamous flier for the event, drawn by Charisse MC. “I had to take it down from the board at work,” Nikki says. “HR was like, this may offend some people.”

Other Benefits

Recent benefits organized by Pyrate Punx raised money for funeral and medical costs for community members. The group organized a concert in support of sex-worker safety with United Against Sexual Oppression, sending proceeds to St. James Infirmary in San Francisco.

Next up? “We should do a mental health benefit,” Bob-0 says, to nodding heads. As we each share from our own mental health experiences, it becomes clear that this effort is as much for our own benefit as for others.

“You have to find your own existential reason to live,” Bob-0 says. Even then, “It’s really easy to trip and fall in a hole.”

Alec makes the connection for us. “Punks trauma-bond like nobody’s business,” he says. “We’re good at building community because we trauma-bond so well.” We note how trauma, addiction and homelessness are connected, and how access to treatment is limited.

He continues, “The [treatment] framework [that] is set up to help that person keeps them identified as an addict and reinforces the role and identification of an addict.” And “addicts” are almost expected to end up on the street. “That, to me, is … really the crux of the problem,” Nikki says. “When have you hit rock bottom? Have you ever?”

Punks and Community

Pyrate Punx is an international organization that books touring bands and gives them a safe place to crash, from Reno to Indonesia.

Nikki says, “No matter where you’re from, if you’re Pyrate Punx you’re kinda family or a second home.” As she discovered then she toured with her band, to “find the hidden punk crew inside these tiny towns” means to be safe.

The Pyrate Punx are “one of the best examples of how important the punk movement really is,” says Phoenix Theater Manager Tom Gaffey. “’Cause they really have true soul, and they really do want to effectuate good change.”

They even get bands lined up for others’ benefit shows. Genres other than punk? “We are not purely punk rock,” Nikki says. “I mean, that sounded weird. We’re punk as fuck.”

Alec clarifies again, “We’re not exclusive.”

Handouts

The donations from the concert will be distributed directly to those in need in Santa Rosa, Petaluma and throughout Sonoma County.

Nikki says, “I’ve lived in Santa Rosa for most of my life. I know a lot of homeless communities and where they can get things. Where we can drop stuff off, hand it out personally.”

“We’re literally going to be going with backpacks full of these bags,” adds Bob-0. “Hands-on approach of us just running around. Then, also, we get to meet the homeless population.”

What You Can Do

The real ask for you, dear reader, is to spread the word, buy a ticket and bid on the silent auction. People will be bringing plenty of socks and tampons as well, to fill the big boxes on standby. The crew will use donations to get the most popular tampons at the lowest price. “Fuck cardboard applicators,” is the consensus.

“Socks and Tampons for the Homeless” benefit concert, 8pm Saturday Sept. 11 at the Phoenix Theater, 201 Washington St., Petaluma. Vaccine card or 2-day Covid test with negative result required for entry. Masks required inside. https://tinyurl.com/35bdtxbc

Your Letters

Filibuster

In 2006, 192 Republicans voted to renew the Voting Rights Act. Now, we can’t get a single Republican senator to come out and unequivocally support protecting the freedom to vote for the American people.

That tells you everything you need to know about our hopes for passing voting rights legislation without abolishing the filibuster.

It’s time for President Biden to recognize this reality and use the power of his office to demand the Senate abolish the filibuster. Supporting voting rights legislation alone is simply not enough.

Please, President Biden, we need a strategy. Put the American people’s freedom to vote ahead of any reservations you have about abolishing the filibuster. The stakes are too high to lack your leadership.

Chris Bolei
San Rafael

No Nukes

The frightening wildfires that are destroying thousands of acres of the world’s forests and open spaces are ominous reminders of what lies ahead for humankind if the world’s most powerful nations continue preparing for an eventual nuclear war.

Perhaps Harry Truman can be forgiven for his naive belief that destroying Hiroshima and Nagasaki with atomic bombs was the best way to end the nightmare of the Second World War.
But now, 76 years later, can we forgive ourselves for continuing in this utterly insane trust in nuclear weapons to save humanity from a Third World War? It seems impossible to remain this foolish, especially when all the brightest and most responsible of the world’s experts in science and world affairs have consistently warned us that we are absolutely certain to destroy all life on this planet by remaining addicted to these weapons of unbelievably destructive power.

It is time for us to wake up from our blind trust in these horrifying nuclear weapons to save us from our lack of love and trust toward each other. It is absolutely imperative to finally abolish the world’s nuclear warheads.

Rama Kumar
Fairfax

Pulling Together

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In stressful times, we tend to fracture into warring tribes, sticking to the echo chambers that reassure us that we’re the good guys while anyone opposing us must be the baddies, who we attack so we can feel that we’re opposing evil.

But there’s no way around the fact that we’re all in this together. Even the worst among us are human beings, and if we don’t pull together in these unprecedentedly hazardous times, there’ll be hell to pay for us all.

Suggestions:

1) Learn how to maximize empathy for those who push your buttons.

2) Rather than surrounding yourself with an insular layer of those who agree with you, cultivate relationships with those who are different. Try to experience them in their complex fullness, rather than as projection screens for your stereotypes.

3) Let the Golden Rule inform your discourse; this is the Critical Thinking tenet called Intellectual Fairness. There’s nothing wrong with suggesting that someone may be mistaken, but trying to “beat” everyone in arguments is a counterproductive ego trip.

4) Remember that any of us can be wrong about anything, and all of us are wrong about something. Commit to being correctable.

5) We cannot expect those who disagree with us to bring any more open-mindedness to the table than we do. If you’re absolutely sure you have the indisputable truth, understand that you’re modeling arrogant closed-mindedness, and you can’t complain when those you disagree with respond similarly.

6) Be suspicious of those who emphasize people’s differences, seeking to divide and conquer to further themselves. Demagogues are NOT your friends.

7) If you want the benefit of the doubt when people interpret your meanings and motivations, you must give it to others.

8) Lead with love, empathy and positive expectations, assigning blame and engaging in conflict only as absolutely necessary to deal with problems.

9) See yourself in everyone around you. This will minimize your natural tendency to behave self-centeredly in hurtful ways.

For better and worse, we’re all in the same boat. Whether we sink or swim will depend on how unified we are.

Saving the Apple: Pressing, eating and drinking

If you have lemons, you make lemonade. If you have apples, you make apple juice, apple sauce, baked apples, apple pie, apple butter and applejack—which can be intoxicating. In Sonoma County, where the apple was once the queen of ag and the grape a knave, the folks at Slow Food Russian River created, not long ago, the Sebastopol Gravenstein Apple Presidium. Unanimously, they adopted the Gravenstein as a “presidia,” and created a “community apple press,” which is the only one of its kind in the U.S., though there are many in England and a few scattered across Canada and Australia.

In SFRR lingo, the Grav is “traditional, good tasting, sustainably produced and represents a sense of place and culture.” The Bodega Red Potato, which was once widely cultivated in West County, is also a “presidia,” and like the Grav, it’s endangered. Global competition cratered the market for the local apple and the local potato.

If a green apple is the Beatles’ icon and New York is the Big Apple, Sebastopol is the early autumnal apple in a landscape where orchards meet kitchens, and apple juice and apple cider flow like wine. Associated in the Bible and in classical art with sin and expulsion from the Garden of Eden, the Grav has become a symbol of resilience, revival and rebirth.

In the wake of the 2000 pandemic, which put a dent in nearly everything, including the cause to save the Grav, the cause has bounced back with unexpected friends and allies among the crowd of newcomers from urban centers who have settled in rural Sonoma and fallen in love with its past.

Paula Shatkin saw the devastation of the apple orchards right before her eyes, soon after she moved to Sonoma County from L.A. with her husband David. “We should do something about the apples,” Paula said at a meeting. Michael Dimock, who aided the start of the chapter, or “convivium,” told her, “Yeah, you.”

At about the same time, his environmental organization, Roots of Change, received a grant from the United States Department of Agriculture. Some of the funds went to SFRR and boosted the apple project, which has become a calling for a group hell-bent on saving the fruit from a tree that once grew wild, that humans in Central Asia began cultivating thousands of years ago, and that spread to Europe and North America. John Chapman, the legendary gardener Johnny Appleseed, created countless nurseries and became a missionary for his favorite fruit.

“The apple project now takes up at least half my life,” Paula Shatkin tells me. “I learned about organizing through trial and error. At a public meeting, I said ‘we need food not alcohol.’ Someone replied, ‘You’re not gonna tell me what I can do with my land.’”

The idea of doing something to save the apples rubbed some property owners the wrong way, but it also found converts and has grown into a vibrant movement, despite what might be called “the war against the apple.” Or maybe because of the war.

“The apple is an icon, like the whale, panda, polar bear or any endangered critter for which people rally,” Dimock tells me. “Saving Gravensteins has been part of the fight to save food-plant diversity and the diversity of Sonoma County ag.”

Over the past three decades, sturdy, beautiful, fruit-producing apple trees, from Santa Rosa to Sebastopol and from Graton to Freestone, have been cut down with chain saws or bulldozed and ripped out by their roots. Like Paula Shatkin and others, I’ve seen orchards decimated to make room for pinot, cab, chardonnay and more. I’ve also watched the community rally around the Grav.

It doesn’t help to demonize grape growers and winemakers. Long ago, Forrest Tanzer, one of the founders of Iron Horse in Forestville, took me on a tour of the vineyard and winery and pointed to the new houses on the ridge. “If it weren’t for grapes, this place would be like San Jose,” he said. Paul Downing, a Slow Food stalwart and major player in the apple cause, agrees. “Grape growers are farmers, too,” she says.

Apple lovers have been known to shed tears at the sight of chain-sawed trees, but they also flex their muscles. In 2004, a group of impassioned folks got together and formed a group dubbed the “Apple Core,” a whimsical name if ever there was one.

Over the past seven years—with the notable exception of the 2020 pandemic year—members of the Core have operated the Sebastopol Apple Press from August to October, the height of the apple season. This year for the first time, the Core has mandated masks and vaccinations for everyone, whether they’re volunteers or participants.

On Saturdays, Core members congregate at the Luther Burbank Gold Ridge Experiment, where they meet and greet local farmers, ranchers and back-to-the-landers, helping them press their apples and make juice. This year the press began to operate Aug. 7. Some swear the ghosts of Luther Burbank and Johnny Appleseed hovered nearby and cheered.

The Sebastopol apple project aims not only to save trees (malus domestica) and salvage fruit, but also to safeguard the livelihood of ranchers and farmers. If, as environmentalist Wendell Berry says, “eating is an agricultural act,” eating local apples in season is crucial if ag is to survive in these parts.

It takes a whole community to keep the Core up and running. Help has come from the County of Sonoma, the City of Sebastopol, the Western Sonoma County Historical Society, as well as from artisan cider makers Ellen Cavalli and Scott Heath at Tilted Shed Ciderworks, and Jolie Devoto and Hunter Wade at Golden State Cider.

Lawyer Bob Burke has worked with the Core for years. “I like diversified ag, which is pleasing to the eye, rather than mono cultures which aren’t good for the planet,” he tells me. Burke enjoys time away from his desk and his office and in the open air, where he can “give back to the community and meet wonderful people.”

Kristy and John Godfrey, both ex-New Yorkers, recently moved to a two-acre parcel in Sebastopol with about 60 apple trees. Kristy loves the Gravs, she says, because they have “a nice balance of sweet and tart.” She adds that soon after she and her husband, John, moved to Sonoma County they learned much of the apple’s lore and history and were “excited to be a part of the apple industry.”

John says that he and Kristy are not in it for the money, and don’t see apples as a “cash crop.” Rather, they’re “motivated by a desire to save the trees and be a force for good.” The Godfrey’s apples are destined for Apple-a-Day Ratzlaff Ranch in Sebastopol where generations of family members have grown Gravs. The Ratzlaffs make heavenly apple juice, sold by the pint—for $2.19—the quart and the gallon at Mollie Stone’s, Andy’s, Oliver’s and Whole Foods. “U-pick“ is a popular option.

Michael Dimock planted his first apple tree in Santa Rosa about a decade ago. Five years later he harvested his first crop. Dimock grows organically. His apples have worms, which don’t bother him. His godmother, Louise Smith, owns an orchard in Graton. Michael visits her and her daughter, Julie, during apple season and enjoys apple strudel and apple gallant. Lucky man.

If and when apples are no longer grown in Sonoma, he will miss them dearly. “I feel sad about the decline and fall of the apple empire,” he says. “I also understand why that’s happening in our capital-driven system.”

Like many SFRR members, Dimock is anxious about the future of the Grav, which has a short shelf-life, doesn’t ship well and relies on local demand for sales, revenue and survival.

“Global warming might soon make it too warm for Gravensteins,” Dimock tells me. “Either because they will not get enough chill hours or because pests will overwhelm orchards.” What he finds heartening is the local cider industry, which has grown steadily during the past few years and which must have apples to exist.

These days, a ton of organic apples will bring a grower $350; $250 a ton for conventional. A ton of grapes is way more than that. In Napa, Cab fetches close to $8,000 a ton and in Sonoma about $3,000 a ton. You do the math. There’s now an oversupply of grapes, and as one wine-industry group noted, “wildfires, economic uncertainty, politics and a worldwide pandemic have all conspired to shake our core.” Grapes might go the way of raspberries, prunes and hops—which were once major crops.

Meanwhile, in Sonoma County big-time grape growers like the Dutton family also grow apples. They have over 1,000 acres in grapes and 200 acres in apples. Newcomers to the county, such as the Godfreys and Shari Figi, also hearten apple lovers. Figi, a recent arrival, owns a three-acre parcel with 50 trees. She wants to improve the sorry state of her orchard and make her trees productive again. “I’m looking out for myself,” she tells me. She’s also looking out for the apples. “It would be a shame,” she says, “to lose our wonderful history.”

Figi will hire hands to harvest the fruit. Like most agricultural labor, it can be back breaking and often requires climbing up and down ladders, gathering apples and adding them to bins which can hold a ton. “It’s fascinating to watch the Mexican guys work,” Downing tells me. “They prune and they pick and they can identify each and every apple tree, even without leaves. All that for $20 to $25 an hour.”

To the laborers, we owe a debt of gratitude.

To make a reservation to press your apples from now until Oct. 24, go to www.slowfoodrr.org.

Jonah Raskin is the author of “Field Days: A Year of Farming, Eating and Drinking Wine in California.”

HR Farce: A Zoom of one’s own

Patty from HR is pissed. After being fired from her dream job as the human resources director at The New Yorker magazine, she’s been reduced to conducting Zoom training sessions for the uninformed. Well, she will be if she can get past her inaugural session/audition. That’s the premise of Patty from HR: A Zoom with a View. It’s the season opener at Sebastopol’s Main Stage West, and it runs through Sept. 11.

Patty, described as the world’s first Human Resources drag queen, is the creation of San Francisco-based performer Michael Phillis. He can be regularly seen at the Oasis, San Francisco’s premiere queer and drag cabaret space, where’s he’s made quite a name for himself via his drag adaptations of iconic sitcoms like Friends and The Golden Girls.  

He was one of the last performers seen at Main Stage West, with Patty’s participation in a fundraising event for the theater held just before the March 2020 pandemic-induced closures. She was such a smash that Producing Artistic Director Keith Baker brought her back for the company’s first post-peak-pandemic production.

Preferring to dip their toe in the live-performance pool with a production requiring a small cast and crew, the 70-minute tour-de-farce of a typical corporate training session is a very satisfying way to reintroduce oneself to the pleasure of live theater.

Once patrons provide proof of Covid vaccinations at the box office, they’ll be escorted to their seats in the quaint theater, where they will find it is possible to laugh from behind their masks.

Patty enters from the rear of the house and, with some difficulty, takes the stage to introduce her audience to the workings of this new-fangled thing she’s sure we’ve never heard of—Zoom! She then proceeds to spend the next 65 minutes talking about everything but, then closes with a diatribe that encapsulates how a lot of us feel about this new technology.

While she never explicitly says it, I take those last moments as a criticism of the proliferation of streaming theater and how it can never, EVER replace the shared-experience of live performance. Bravo, Patty.

Interspersed between the rare moments of actual training are hilarious bits about Patty’s backstory, from her introduction of personnel policies at a neighborhood lemonade stand to her participation in Jeffrey Toobin’s infamous self-satisfying Zoom conference call.

To be succinct, Michael Phillis’ A Zoom with A View is no drag.

“Patty from HR: A Zoom with a View” runs Thursday to Sunday through Sept. 11 at Main Stage West, 104 N. Main St., Sebastopol. Thursday–Saturday at 8pm; 5pm matinees on Sunday. $20–$32. 707.823.0177. mainstagewest.com

Killer Toys: Dangerous toys of yesteryear exhibit

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A new exhibit, “Dangerous Games: Treacherous Toys We Loved As Kids,” opens Sept. 25 at the Napa Valley Museum in Yountville. In light of the last two years of chaos, is there a more fitting show than one which highlights our best intentions gone horribly awry?

I personally think there’s an element of soothingly absurdity, a sort of ridiculous-balm, if you will, in revisiting toy concepts that turned out to be lethal. These toys give a whole new level of validity to Calvin’s Dad—of Bill Watterson’s Calvin and Hobbes—yelling, “you’ll put your eye out!”

I imagine those people who were kids in the era of Red Ryder Rifles are amazed they still have both peepers. As a 1992 baby, I missed the world of Lawn Darts—those kid-operated flying spears sent over 6,000 people to the hospital before being banned in 1988—and uranium kits, but I arrived well in time for Slip-n-Slides and giant trampolines. I still remember summer days spent flipping wildly through the air at the neighbors house until one fateful day when a fellow thrillseeker went flying off the side of the trampoline mid-bounce and crumpled on the sidewalk. How he came out uninjured is still a mystery to me. The trampoline was removed in short order. No one lets us have any fun.

“Dangerous Games” piqued my curiosity, and in researching the most dangerous toys of the last 30 years I can only say I’m nearly beyond words. If anyone reading this remembers the Swing Wing, or—God forbid—played with one, please write to me personally and tell me your spinal fluids haven’t hemorrhaged. For those who don’t know, the Swing Wing—it’s slogan, “It’s a What!?!”—is a toy helmet worn on one’s head with a “wing” attached to a string at the top that the wearer rotates like a propeller by flinging their head around in a circle like a maniac.

The commercial for this contraption, viewable on YouTube and not to be missed, features children hanging upside from trees swirling their Swing Wings with abandon—it seems the director chose not to use the B-roll footage of them vomiting upon dismount.

From the Swing Wing fiasco I found a frankly even more distressing toy—the Wham-O Water Wiggle. The commercial for this delight is also viewable on YouTube—where one can watch this thing wrap itself around a woman’s neck while the narrator says, “Kids love me, too, ’cause I’m so soft and playful”. Yikes.

This snake-like hose attachment, though not overtly lethal, could, when turned on full blast, chip teeth, bloody noses and—as the ad gleefully highlights—attempt to strangle. Wham-O is also responsible for Slip-n-Slide, which, by the 1990s, regretfully but rightfully had a warning on the box referring to the possibility of “spinal injury and death.” Yeesh. 

It gave me pause, considering all these “whacky” bygone toys, both because of the confirmation that human beings are the most absurd species to yet grace the face of the earth, and because I realized I don’t quite know what today’s youngsters play with. In the age of TikTok and Instagram Reels, what tangible toy is the average 11-year-old interested in? What is the 2021 version of the Wing Thing? Napa Valley Museum might want to follow this show up with something that highlights today’s world of tech-inspired playthings—who knows, maybe I’ll curate it.

For a laugh and a walk down Memory Lane, don’t miss “Dangerous Games.” Opening reception is at 5:30pm on Sept. 25; reserve your tickets at napavalleymuseum.org, and don’t forgo the $5 audio tour narrated by the one-and-only Bill Rogers, a.k.a the voice of the Disney Parks. It’s well worth the investment. Enjoy, and if you’ve ever slipped, slid, clacked or winged, count your lucky stars.

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