Page 239 | Bohemian | Sonoma & Napa Counties

Best Shakespearean Sonnet About Beauty 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Mar 24, 2022

Best Shakespearean Sonnet About Beauty 2022

O, how much more doth beauty beauteous seem

By that sweet ornament which truth doth give.

The rose looks fair, but fairer we it deem

For that sweet odor which doth in it live.

The canker blooms have full as deep a dye

As the perfumèd tincture of the roses,

Hang on such thorns, and play as wantonly

When summer’s breath their maskèd buds discloses;

But, for their virtue only is their show,

They live unwoo’d and unrespected fade,

Die to themselves. Sweet roses do not so;

Of their sweet deaths are sweetest odors made.

And so of you, beauteous and lovely youth,

When that shall fade, my verse distills your truth.—W.S.

Best Place to Get the Gua for Your Sha 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

Best Place to Get the Gua for Your Sha 2022

To get the low down on gua sha, the increasingly popular beauty, health and wellness practice that hails from traditional East Asian medicine, I naturally (okay, lazily) turned to the Internet—specifically, GuaSha.com—because, where else? There, Arya Nielsen, Ph.D., defined gua sha as an “instrument-assisted unidirectional press-stroking of a lubricated area of the body surface to intentionally create transitory therapeutic petechiae called ‘sha’ representing extravasation of blood in the subcutis.” Even more confused, I then read an article Kary Hess wrote for the Bohemian’s sibling magazine, Explore, in which local acupuncturist and clinical eastern herbalist, Erin Wilkins, L.Ac., of Petaluma’s Herb Folk, explained, “Gua sha has been used as a folk remedy for thousands of years. Not only for facial and beauty treatments, it’s also effective to break down scar tissue, address inflammation and reduce morning sickness.” Got it. Wilkins adds that gua sha can increase circulation of blood, lymph and Qi energy and is achieved by going over the surface of the skin with a specially shaped stone. Jade is a naturally warming stone and ideal for massaging oils into the skin, whereas, say, rose quartz stays cooler. The snark-meister in me thinks there are easier ways to get “stoned,” but those who have undergone the treatment have a more, um, Mandalorian take: “This is the way.” herbfolkshop.com—DH

Best Place to Enjoy the Beauty of California 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

Best Place to Enjoy the Beauty of California 2022

You’ve seen the printed signs around town, maybe you even have one: “Brown is the New Green.” Drought is the new reality in California. But don’t worry, “drought” is actually the old reality in California. We just didn’t notice because for so long municipalities and agricultural networks have been able to overpower the ebbs and flows of water availability with aqueducts, aquifer draining and diesel-powered transport.

Still, far out-numbering the yard signs are pristine green lawns watered on the daily, glistening enough to be at home in the foggy, wet England that first set her colonies on the East Coast. From there, as the colonizers moved west, seizing the continent and remaking it in the damp green image of western Europe, lawns became a mark of “civilization” — surrounding institutions and laid over ancestral native lands converted into parks. With suburbanization in the 20th century, lawns became an essential status symbol.

Enter California the beautiful, land of the always returning drought, one of the most beautiful landscapes on earth. Millions travel to enjoy the marvels of the state’s forests and deserts, to hike through meadows of wildflowers. This richness of hardy flora evolved in an environment that often went without water. The results are spectacular because it looks like California, a landscape so unique it is visited more than any other state.

Have a piece of this beauty for yourself. Let the water-hogging, little piece of England out front die. Sure, you could look into drought friendly options like rock gardens and xeriscaping. Or just spread some poppy seed on the corpse of the lawn and let California reclaim its shape right outside your front door, this natural landscape we are so blessed to enjoy, blooming just for you.—M.G.

Best of Beauty 2022: You Are Beautiful

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

Twenty years ago, Christine Aguilera was top of the pops with “Beautiful,” an enchanting and affirming ballad that became an instant anthem of self-acceptance. Covers came and went (a favorite of mine was Clem Snide’s garage-y that toed the line between homage and parody), but many forget, or perhaps never knew, that the song was written by Linda Perry, the former lead singer of San Francisco’s 4 Non Blondes. I mean, who could forget Perry’s dizzying cry, “What’s going on?!” from their breakout single in 1992? Perry summed up both the existential hurly-burly of the ‘90s and Gen X anxiety (which persists to this day), then answered it a decade later with “Beautiful.”

But what does all this Wikipedia spelunking have to do with Beauty, Health & Wellness, you ask? Everything. The three concepts are often intertwined–sure, you can have one and not the others–but pursuing the trifecta produces results greater than the sum of their parts. Of course, this was not the dominant paradigm for those of us who came of age in the ‘80s and ‘90s when “heroin chic” was all the rage. If you’re reading this, it’s likely that, like me, you missed the option to “live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse,” so why not go for the CBD-infused gua sha facial? And, also, like me, if you have no idea what “CBD-infused gua sha facial” means, feel free to scream from the top of your lungs, “What’s going on?”

The answer is: You. Because… “You are beautiful no matter what they say / Words can’t bring you down.” Not even these words. As you browse this section, please keep this in mind: You are beautiful in every single way. With or without CBD-infused gua sha facial (though I hear it’s great).
By the way, I heartily recommend searching YouTube for Perry’s performance of “Beautiful” at the 2016 L.A. Impact Awards. It’s utterly gutting. And true. — DH

The Best Place to Catch a Train of Thought 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

The Best Place to Catch a Train of Thought 2022

If you’re a fan of cooking shows, then in recent years you’ve seen professional chefs and outrageously talented (mostly British) bakers tackle all manner of creative, sadistic culinary challenges.

They’re expected to utilize delicate and unknowable techniques under the pressure of punishing time constraints. They’re tasked with replicating French desserts whose eldritch names hold more spellbinding syllables than an entry in one of Tolkien’s elvish dictionaries. They accomplish these feats and more, and yet also get tripped up trying to make an ordinary omelet or B.L.T. Burnt, overdressed, undersalted, etc.

The lesson here: In a world of glitz, glam and gimmicks, sometimes the truly impressive thing is a really well done simple thing. Bells and whistles certainly have their place, but the enduring earnestness of sincere simplicity (along with awesome alliteration) is undeniable.

Taking this principle to heart is A’Roma Roasters Coffee &Tea, right off the tracks in the heart of Santa Rosa. It’s a haven for students, creatives, coffee connoisseurs and wanderlusting souls from all walks.

Residing within the bones of the Baggage Building of Old Railroad Square’s Train Depot, the sense of old soul antiquity has been baked into the stone over the years. That, combined with the neighboring railroad tracks and brick buildings, the hand-hammered copper bar tops and the ever present, ever pleasant aroma of roasting coffee beans (roooooll credits), all only adds to the aged dignity of the place.

They are consistently good, consistently friendly and consistently…well, present. Aroma’s has survived the past couple of years’ drama in good shape for a reason—they’re just really good.

And elegant simplicity like that has to be frustrating from the other side of things. Corinthian-style columns with all their frou frou acanthus leaves are probably ticked that Doric ones get anywhere near the same love.

Salvador Dali would have been within his rights to be irked that his dreamscapes of melting clocks had to share space at all with Warhol’s darned soup can. Check them out, grab a coffee or tea with your favorite book and enjoy.—ED

Best Menagerie in Which One Might Eat Lamb Dumplings Indoors 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

Best Menagerie in Which One Might Eat Lamb Dumplings Indoors 2022

Despite the fact that once I was sprayed by an errant sprinkler head, this greenhouse dreamscape offers some of the best food and ambience in the North Bay.

Fronds, palms, climbing vines, out of which emerge leather banquets, deep cowskin chairs, an illuminated and heartily-stocked bar—a back room outfitted with vintage wallpaper and a tall lamp. There’s at once an air of mystery and play—is this restaurant a Mark Helprin, Sleep No More vision or just great dining in The Barlow?

Both. And the smash burger with duck fat fries will see to it that no one leaves certain of reality. The flavors are that deliciously altering. Happy dream dining. fernbar.com —JV

Best Place to Grab Ganj Before Heading to Regel Park 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

Best Place to Grab Ganj Before Heading to Regel Park 2022

Don’t drive to Solful; take the Joe Rodota trail. Biking is better. Fresh air is my favorite drug. Gas is like $7 a gallon. Need anyone say anything more?

Hop off at what’s voted the best cannabis dispensary three years running, and here’s why: Solful is dedicated to providing their cannabis consumers with not only the best in weed, but also the best in cannabis knowledge. Take it from their 2018 field guide—”The Solful Field Guide to Getting the Most Out of Your Cannabis,” which is a guide for the cannabis user to maximize benefits and happiness when using the plant. If that’s not solful, tell me what is.Ride in, bask in the sweetest of great herb and great service, and whisk the winnings away to Regel Park. Nestle between some trees, lay the body down. Look at the clouds.—JV

Best Pot Pills for Potheads 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

I’ve been using cannabis medicinally and recreationally for decades. I’ve tried almost every method to deliver THC and CBD to mind and body. I’ve smoked joints, puffed on pipes, eaten hash brownies, enjoyed gummies and bonged my way to heavenly highs.

There’s always a new delivery system. I’m a sucker for new products. So when I heard about the Protab pills from LEVEL Experience, a company based in Santa Rosa—a city that can roll out the red carpet for cannabis companies—I climbed aboard the pill wagon.

Three products arrived at my front door: “Lights Out” meant for “maximum relaxation,” “Boost” provides “energy and helps focus,” and “Recover” is designed for “relief and may help ease pain.”

Each packet had 10 tablets, each one about the size of a low-dose aspirin. I started out with a whole “Lights Out” and woke up with an marijuana hangover the next morning. The next evening, using two fingers, I broke a pill in half and swallowed it with water. Half was still too much. I learned that a quarter guaranteed a sound night’s sleep.

I also tried both the Boost and the Recover—a quarter of each one was the right dosage for me. When I talked to LEVEL’s founder and CEO, Chris Emerson, I wasn’t surprised when he urged me “to go low and to go slow.” Those seven words are the best words I’ve ever heard about the consumption of cannabis.

Others, in addition to Emerson, have offered these words of advice. All dispensaries ought to carry a sign that reads, “Go Low, Go Slow.” Though those words might discourage consumers from stocking up on cannabis products, which is what happened at the height of the pandemic. I felt good about Protab after my conversation with Emerson, who has a Ph.D. in chemistry from Stanford and who served in the military. He knows about molecules and stress and how to reduce it. He also worked in Big Pharma until he realized it wasn’t for him. Pills have worked for Emerson. They’d better. “I can’t roll a joint to save my life,” he told me. “A pill is easier.”—J.R.

Best Place to Dance to Justin Timberlake While Buying Edibles 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

Best Place to Dance to Justin Timberlake While Buying Edibles 2022

Listen, there are edibles galore these days, and this isn’t a plug on which ones to get. It’s a plug on which ones to get and where to get them: Orchard Peach Camino Sours or Plus Strains Granddaddy Purple gummies from Mercy Wellness.

A sweet and informed time, my first trip to Mercy involved very nearly becoming best friends with the individual who checked my ID before heading into the main room to get a well-informed and anecdote-sprinkled walkthrough of the various different products and their uses. Who doesn’t want to hear the story of the time someone’s sister misread the dose and ate three instead of one? While checking out, I was elated to a) hear “SexyBack” issuing from the speakers, b) dance animatedly, if surreptitiously, and yes, it can be done, and c) look up to see my checker-outter dancing with no less enthusiasm, at which point we dropped all surreptitiousness and openly expressed our appreciation for the timeless track. I’ll also say she had the best head of hair I’ve ever seen. Mercy.—JV

Best Mythical Creature to Place in Your Daffodil Patch 2022

Writers’ Picks 2022

Bohemian Staff

Mar 24, 2022

Best Mythical Creature to Place in Your Daffodil Patch 2022

If I were a homeowner, I would want my house to stand out. No, I’m not talking about slapping on a fresh coat of paint, installing a thought-provoking lawn sign or maintaining a particularly tasteful garden.

I’d want something really unique that made me the talk of the neighborhood—or maybe even beyond. Luckily, I stumbled on just the right thing at the Sebastopol Hardware Center.

Imagine my surprise as I witnessed a steady stream of patrons hauling away bags of potting soil and other products without once spotting the store’s real prize: Bigfoot.

That’s right. After decades of grainy photographs and countless generations of mythological tales told across campfires around the world, it turns out that Sasquatch was resting in a downtown Sebastopol parking lot all along. Even more astounding, you can take the mysterious creature home for just $1,999.99 plus tax.

Sure, at first glance, that seems like a lot of money. But, then again, how can anyone put a price on the endless stream of conversations I’d kick off by placing a life-size Bigfoot in the middle of my future flower bed?

But don’t worry, the heartless capitalist in me has also rationalized this purchase. I’m placing a bet that the value of this cryptozoological all-star will only rise, just like a Beanie Baby in the 1990s or one of the new-fangled NFTs online today.

Here’s a sign: Just last March, Hulu published a documentary series titled “Sasquatch,” chronicling the many alleged violent crimes Bigfoot has committed in the Emerald Triangle, the cannabis gold mine just a few hours north of Sebastopol.

It’s not all good news. Even though I’ve figured out one centuries-long mystery, I still need to figure out the mystery besetting my generation: affording a home. —W.C.