Important events as reported by daily newspapers and summarized by Daedalus Howell.

Thursday 02.08.01

Petaluma’s reports that a man and a women were caught in their convertible Camaro (danger sign) in possession of methamphetamine, drug paraphernalia, a loaded handgun, brass knuckles, assorted knives, walkie-talkies, a police scanner, Valium and Vicodin, false vehicle registration, and a suspended license. Had the culprits additionally been underaged, under the influence, and engaged in a sex act, and if there had been a dead hooker discovered in the trunk, the cops believe they might have had a case.

Sunday 02.11.01

Would-be folk balladeer Jim Stone has penned the protest ditty “The Cell Phone Song,” a five-minute diatribe against the popular telecommunications technology. Almost true to folkie form, Stone wrote the song on a bus and later recorded it in a Texas hotel room when on the road (er, for his gig as an architect). Stone’s lyrics describe various acts of violence he would like to inflict upon a cell phone: “I’d like to take a 3/8-inch drill and ventilate its plastic case, or stick it in the oven on high and melt its plastic case.” (Someone get this guy a rhyming dictionary.) “It’s all done in jest. It was a just a way to vent some emotions and have a laugh,” said the Singing Draftsman, who, according to some, put the square in T-square. “I have three daughters and they all think I’m behind the times.” Hey Jim, how ’bout a B-side about Palm Pilots?

Monday 02.12.01

The dry run of the evil Dr. Karl D’ring’s new Weather Manipulator 5000 turned out quite wet for Marinites this week. The Marin Independent Journal reports that a cold storm dumped a blanket of snow on Mt. Tam, which became a veritable winter wonderland for some county residents. Still, one is compelled to ask, why does it seem as if we’re entering another Ice Age in the midst of global warming? “Mother Earth is going through menopause,” D’ring avers. “Hot and cold, hot and cold.” The inclement weather will continue, according to National Weather Service forecaster Jim Carroll: “Showers will taper off in the afternoon hours. By Thursday it will be mostly clear, still chilly at night, but warmer during the day.” Like my ex.

Monday 02.12.01

Humboldt County pot farmers are watching their margins go up in smoke owing to the energy crisis, reports the Napa Valley Register. Many growers use 1,000-watt light bulbs to coax their plants into flowering–each bulb costs about $50 a month to run 18 hours a day, according to American Hydroponics, which sells the bulbs to “tomato and lettuce growers.” Says Napa Sheriff’s Deputy Randy Garcia, “Power is probably the biggest single cost for these guys. The more power they use, the better the quality of the product.” He, uh, guesses.

From the February 15-21, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

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