Feb. 22, 2001 “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” c/o Lipton 800 Sylvian Ave., Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
Sophisticated in their understanding of culture, politics, and literature, my friends–and you can dust this for sarcasm–are a bastion of profundity. They had little difficulty plowing through the teary-eyed haze of nostalgia surrounding The Phantom Menace and dismissing it for the travesty it was. They subscribed to Details magazine when it was under homosexual editorship and canceled months before it became the midwife to Maxim and Stuff. However, on one particular topic, their critical faculties have lapsed. My friends willingly believe that your product “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” is not butter. “It’s just margarine, Kenneth, get over it already.”
But I can’t get over it. While my cohorts may choose to believe they are not getting butter for margarine, I would like it known that I, Kenneth H. Cleaver, do not, will not, and cannot believe that your product “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” is not “good” butter. Perhaps it is not organic butter. Perhaps it is not churned colonial style in a gnarly wooden tub by shawl-clad indentured servants. But my internal radar, honed for detecting all kinds of consumer chicanery, issues forth strong blips in the general direction of Englewood Cliffs., N.J. I challenge you to prove me wrong and promise my confidentiality should you prove me right.
Sincerely, Kenneth H. Cleaver
Mr. Kenneth H. Cleaver P.O.B. 810 Bedford, N.Y. 10506
Dear Mr. Cleaver:
It was thoughtful of you to let us hear your comments about “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” For many years, our company has been making every effort to provide customers with superior products to meet their individual needs and preferences. Comments such as yours are certainly gratifying–and most welcome.
As a token of our appreciation, I am enclosing a coupon for your use. If we can be of use in the future, please contact us.
Lee Hunter Consumer Representative
From the March 29-April 4, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.