Got DTS?

I‌admit to chronically suffering from Deranged Trump Syndrome and have tried to take steps in recent months to mitigate against the disease’s worst health impacts, since, who needs this, really? Life’s too short to have some boorish loonie-boon in the White House ruin it—unless he already has ruined it, in which case, here’s another round of DTS as I think about those poor kids separated from their parents. Grrrr.

I’ve discovered three cannabis products that serve to take the edge off the daily dilemma of dealing with President Trump, who in his own way could sure stand for dab or two. Each of these products addresses a specific DTS symptom that gets knocked back upon consumption of the cannabis product.

Kiva Confections Kiva Bar has emerged as my go-to dessert choice for lunch, and I’m especially taken by the tangerine take on their dark-chocolate bars. The tangerine flavor is fresh and fruity and is an aid to anyone seeking to reclaim any and all orange-tinged things from the Cheetoh Jesus, as he is known affectionately in some quarters. At $27 per candy bar, you’d half expect to get an online degree from Trump University along with the chocolate—but like the warning-label says: You don’t have to eat the whole darn thing at once. In fact, that’s not a good idea. A little bit goes a long way and provides for a delightful escape from the present reality, and into Wonka-land.

But be warned—if you eat the whole candy bar at once, you may get so high that you’ll start thinking things like, “Hey, this Trump guy’s not such a menacing idiot, after all.” You’ll be hallucinating a second term where he morphs into Bobby Kennedy. So go easy on this stuff. Kiva also offers a CBD rich chocolate bar that’s quite lovely in its own right, with none of the bizarre side effects should you overdo it.

Marigold’s Pineapple-Harlequin pre-roll is a high-CBD joint with a bit of a THC boost underneath it that brings some euphoria along with the medical benefit. Mostly, you’ll notice the immediate health benefit. My chronic case of TDS takes form on occasion as very painful bone spurs in my feet. Ouch! This number’s the perfect end-of-day accompaniment to putting your feet up and relaxing over a nice taco bowl.

Farm Direct’s Night Owl pre-roll is an Indica-rich doobie that goes down easy and with a very tasty, sort of fruity-spice aftertaste. It’s the perfect come-down enabler after a long day staring at the Twitter screen waiting for the next presidential emergency declaration so you can give yourself an excuse to sulk around the office. That sort of stress can really take a toll—on you and your fellow co-workers—but the only emergency you’ll be declaring after puffing one of these suckers is: I hope they don’t run out of the Night Owls again at the dispensary.