Crappy Little Pill–More Bad 13 Challenge

 So I think I’d rather hear Xoshi Lubin’s expertly assembled Bad 13 Challenge entry again than spend another second on fucking WordPress (why is it so crummy when other blogging platforms are so easy to use? Why am I punished for using a PC?) But maybe not. I don’t think I could ever listen to that Yin Yang Twins song again. THE WORST by Xoshi Lubin

  1. Stomach Cramps-King Missile
  2. Prince of Arabia-The Toy Box
  3. Tell Me About the Forest (You Once Called Home)-Dead Can Dance
  4. You Oughta Know-Alanis Morissette
  5. I’ll Make a Man Out of You-Donny Osmond & Chorus (from Mulan)
  6. What Went Wrong-The Moldy Peaches
  7. I Believe-Stephen Gately
  8. Disney’s The Devil-Sexually Transmitted People
  9. Blitzkreig Bop-Rob Zombie
  10. Seconds-Le Tigre
  11. La La-Ashlee Simpson
  12. Wait (The Whisper Song)-Ying Yang Twins
  13. Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now-The Smiths

Xoshi’s brilliant plan of attack (or at least as I see it) was to zero in on pop songs by artists who take themselves way, way too seriously. So these are musicians who, generally, know what they are doing. But either an overinflated sense of self-importance or a purely shitty raw material (e.g. dumb lyrics) result in painful listening experiences. Xoshi was THIS CLOSE to winning.            Alanis Morisette’s “You Oughta Know” is terrible simply for the way she sings “Will she go down on you in…a thea-ter?!!!” If I dumped a girl and then she sang this song as a way to get back at me, I’d feel very satisfied and justified in the dumping. Hey, I just read that Flea played bass on this song. Like that made a difference.            Jerry Goldsmith, Matthew Wilder, and David Zippel are responsible for writing “I’ll Make a Man Out of You,” and I think its insipid bones are largely responsible for its awfulness. Contemporary Disney animated musicals probably spread more anger than love. Donny Osmond sounds like a high school drama kid singing “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”. That’s a compliment, in a way, but after having to sit through this song, I intend never to see Mulan.               Gabe Meline noted that the The Moldy Peaches’ Kimya Dawson now had the #1 soundtrack in the country with Juno. Anyway, the terrible noise of “What Went Wrong” might have qualified as experimental music if it had been recorded, like, sixty years ago. I have an old home recording of me and my best friend playing Barbies in her basement that’s edgier than this slop.            “The Sexually Transmitted People were from Santa Rosa!,” Gabe Meline writes. “I saw their last show at the Phoenix in 2001. They were good and this song always made me laugh. They also had another tune called ‘Ishmael’s Last Ride,’ I believe. Peter Bonos, the trumpet player, now lives in Boston or Germany and makes avant-garde jazz music.”               Rob Zombie makes movies now. I hope he continues to do so, and never again sets foot in a recording studio to inflict the high douchebaggery he inflicted upon the Ramones’ “Blitzkreig Bop” upon any other song or person.               I hate Ashlee Simpson for getting a nose job, which I initially saw as a slap in the face of all big-nosed women, myself included. However, I have since come around, and I am glad this empty-headed bitch now shares no facial similarities with me. She’s not good enough to have a big nose! The lyrics of “La La” really push it to new levels of terrible.               Yin Yang Twins’ “Wait (The Whisper Song”) is explicit without being in any way sexy, and therefore it is offensive. I’m trying to think of an offensive song that’s good…like Body Count’s “KKK Bitch”, because it’s at least clever and funny. But this is just uninspired bad pornography.               We decided that The Smiths, though self-important via Morrissey, are-even for Smiths-haters-not terrible enough to be one of the 13 baddest songs ever. In fact, after the physical and psychological torture of Xoshi’s CD, “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” was refreshing and healing.

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