Three-Point Plan

Let's all pitch in and help to get America back on track

The Occupy Wall Street movement and media outlets on the left have placed an undue amount of blame onto banks and corporations for causing the 2008 financial crisis. While millions of Americans may have lost their life savings, their homes, or their jobs as a result of this, will blaming the people who caused it really help? Right or wrong, we will never be able to climb out of the hole we’re in unless corporations are holding the ladder, or, at the very least, sell us a ladder manufactured overseas.

Those of us fortunate enough to be employed during these tough economic times owe a debt of gratitude to our employers and an obligation to do everything within our power to keep them as strong and profitable as possible. Therefore, please consider doing the following:

1. Employees should send their children to live in corporate re-education camps where they will learn to dedicate themselves to a monastic lifestyle in which they live humble, quiet lives performing tasks that cannot be billed to clients. This will allow the company to fire the employees who previously performed those tasks, which will reduce out-of-pocket expenses. As an added bonus, since the children will have been taught to forego possessions, they will have no need of pockets, which will end out-of-pocket expenses entirely.

2. Employees should donate 40 percent of their annual salary to their company’s political action committee to help fund lobbyists; 20 percent toward the cost of maintaining the corporate re-education camps; 20 percent toward the purchase of office supplies and field equipment; and 40 percent for corporate executive bonuses. Since this will leave the employee 20 percent short of their donation obligations, they should work an extra eight hours per week to make up for it.

3. Winter heating costs should not exceed the heating allowance used by Ebenezer Scrooge.

Is this really too much to ask? After all, America is a nation built on sacrifice. There is no “I” in team, but there is in sacrifice.

Please do your part.

Bill Feller is a geologist for an environmental consulting firm and drummer for the instrumental surf band Voodoo Court.

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