Important events as reported by daily newspapers and summarized by Daedalus Howell

Tuesday 03.13.01

Sixteen years ago, convicted felon Jeffrey Campbell escaped from the Marin County Jail in a laundry cart, then mailed his jailors a postcard. Now “Wish you were here” ain’t so funny anymore–yep, he’s back in the pokey, reports the Marin Independent Journal. Defense attorney Kim Kruglick argued that Campbell (who changed his name to Leslie and became a registered nurse during his years on the lam) should be granted probation for being a “healer.” Says Kruglick, “He’s shown that he could be a better man.” At the time of his capture, Leslie, the “better man,” was wanted in Michigan for fleeing prosecution after allegedly stealing prescription painkillers from a local hospital. “If I could go back and change things, I would,” Campbell said. No word if this includes picking a cooler pseudonym.

Tuesday 03.13.01

A fifth-grade boy, with apparently no idea how tough it is to get into a good university, just shot his future full of holes. The 11-year-old was arrested and suspended from Sebastopol’s Pine Crest School for making death threats against three teachers and the principal during recess, reports the Press Democrat. The boy faces expulsion from school and a hearing in Sonoma County Juvenile Court, and will be required to write about a “formative educational experience” in his college application essays (forget about letters of recommendation, kid). Dawn Johnson-Huff, the wannabe assassin’s school principal says, “It was more or less an angry child blowing off.” Yeah, his future. Talk ain’t so cheap anymore, kids.

Sunday 03.11.01

Coming to a neighborhood near you: The IJ reports that hazardous-waste experts from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers have discovered methane spreading underground from the defunct Hamilton Field military base. Besides the gas, volatile organic compounds (no relation to the punk band) and other suspected carcinogens are wafting from the ground like a gaseous specter of death toward the site of a proposed housing development. Possible solutions include breaking down the gas with oxygen, building a rock-filled trench around the landfill to disperse the gas, lighting a match, and running away very, very quickly. “Let them complete their report and let the experts tell us what the problem is and what they’re going to do about it,” bravely says nearby resident Kurt Hansler. “In the meantime, I’m not going to lose any sleep, and my hair isn’t going to get any grayer.” No, dude, it’s just going to fall out during chemotherapy.

Wednesday 03.07.01

Two thumbs down: The Argus-Courier reports that the curtain is going down on Pacific Theatres Petaluma because the last picture show cannot compete with its sibling, the larger Rohnert Park 16-screen stadium theater; both are owned by the Pacific Theatres Corp. (their marketing plan revealed!). In lieu of the vicarious cinematic experience, bored P-townie teens are expected to experiment with sex, drugs, violence, and cannibalism.

From the March 15-21, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

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