Kenneth Cleaver

Consumer Correspondent

Adidas Marketing P.O. Box 4015 Beaverton, OR 97076

Dear Adidas:

The 39 graduates of the so-called Heaven’s Gate cult departed our planet in the shoes of your archrival, Nike. My brothers and sisters report that the blissful majesty of the kingdom of Heaven surpasses human comprehension. Unfortunately, and for reasons not thoroughly explained, it is a most difficult place to acquire athletic footwear.

On behalf of the graduating class of 2001, I would like to offer Adidas the opportunity be the official corporate sponsor of our journey to the Level above Human. The media will undoubtedly distort the shedding of our earthly vehicles into a solemn spectacle. This is unfortunate for our movement, but not for Adidas. As we mount our intergalactic coach to LAH, you will revel in a windfall of free publicity.

Our needs are as follows:

18 pairs of men’s shoes: 11 pairs of size 10, 5 pairs of size 9 1/2, one pair each of sizes 11 and 8.

13 pairs of women’s shoes: 8 pairs of size 6, 3 pairs of size 7, 2 pairs of size 7 1/2.

As our class often masquerades as a pickup softball game, I ask that you include corresponding pairs of baseball cleats.

I hope you will take advantage of this unique opportunity.

Sincerely, Kenneth H. Cleaver

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

Thank you for your recent letter requesting a donation or sponsorship.

I wish I could provide you with good news, but unfortunately, Adidas America cannot assist you at this time. We receive a tremendous number of proposals and requests for assistance from many worthy individuals and organizations, and the number increases every year. We have been faced with many tough choices. As much as we would like to be able to respond positively to everyone who contacts us, especially those with a real need, we simply cannot.

We appreciate your contacting Adidas America Inc. and wish you every success with your endeavor.

Sincerely, Erin Purdy Assistant to the President

From the June 21-27, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

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