Federal Bureau of Investigation J. Edgar Hoover Building 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
I am currently deep in pursuit of a delicious graduate student who considers herself subversive. Frankly, I have never understood the academic Marxist. They just can’t understand that the bourgeoisie will only tremble upon threat of having to read one of their interminable treatises. Common sense aside, I am in love and have been trying, with little success, to ingratiate myself with this woman through the following seditious behavior:
* Repeated violation of Starbucks’ “customers only” bathroom policy
* Abstinence from Hooters
* Viewing all the films of Susan Sarandon
* Public library membership
Rather than perform a radical stunt, I thought I might enlist your services. Might you create one of your famous dossiers chronicling my “career” as an insurgent? Perhaps more effective would be to stage a shakedown with a couple of your most intimidating agents. For her to witness me enduring state repression would do much for my plight without causing any threat to the global marketplace.
Recognizing that it is not good form to conceive a relationship through deceit, I ultimately feel that these actions are necessary and that history will render them “sweet,” possibly even “romantic.” I know that I am not cut out for the enemy-of-state lifestyle, but I am indeed suited for this woman.
Sincerely, Kenneth H. Cleaver
Because of current budget cuts and the large volume of mail received by the FBI, our resources will not permit us to individually answer each communication we receive. We have personally reviewed your communication, however, and have determined that it falls within . . . the following categories:
No violation within the investigative jurisdiction of the FBI was identified.
Your material is being returned as it may be of further use to you.
John E. Collingwood Assistant Director Office of Public and Congressional Affairs
From the July 26-August 1, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.