Kenneth Cleaver

Consumer Correspondent

Sir Christopher Meyer, KCMG British Embassy 3100 Massachusetts Avenue Washington, DC 20008

Dear Sir Meyer:

Living in New York is not easy for a young bachelor. Throw a rock in any direction and you will hit a man who is better looking, better dressed, better educated, and just plain better than yourself. Sit at any given barstool and you’re rubbing shoulders with the poet laureate of Lithuania or the bungee-fishing champion of Norway. This is what makes this town great. But how many times must I go out to find the finest examples of American womanhood married to, coupled with, or shamelessly fawning over some dogfaced “bloke” from Devonshire?

“I hear that accent and my knees get weak,” my female friends say. Mind you, these women tear apart Proust like so many Tinkertoys. But unleash a British drawl, be it Liverpudlian, Cockney, or the crisp cadence of an Eton Boy, and their critical faculties fly out the window: from urbane sophisticate to swooning sycophant in seconds. The weak knees, the so-called British charm, are nothing more than a continuation of the colonial relationship. Our country had a successful political revolution without a cultural one to follow, and it’s men like me who foot the bill.

At risk of seeming unduly xenophobic, I ask that you require all British males to be chaperoned by spouses, financées, or their mums while in this country. I can compete with bungee-fishers; I can run circles around investment bankers; but I cannot compete with that accent! Have you any idea what it’s like trying to construct an exotic mystique for yourself when you’re a native of Westchester County? Do you have any idea!

Help a brother out.

Sincerely, Kenneth H. Cleaver

Kenneth H. Cleaver P.O. Box 810 Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver,

Thank you for your letter of 17 November.

I feel your pain, as they say here. I did not realise, until I had received your letter, that my married state had deprived me of a cornucopia of conquests that would have avenged New Orleans, Yorktown and the rest.

Do not despair. You too can have a knee-weakening accent. Just get a subscription to BBC America and take your pick of the plethora of British accents on display. It is easier than learning German. Do tell me when you have your first success and which British accent most helped.

Sincerely, Christopher Meyer

From the April 19-25, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

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