.Best Place to Align One’s Chakras & Sell One’s Soul to Satan

Yoga Hell, Petaluma

Sonoma County’s own Yoga Hell offers a slice of paradise not lost on Petaluma’s most limber sinners, such as myself.

I always said that it would take a minor miracle to get me to stay consistent with an exercise routine. Alas, my prayers for divine fitness intervention fell on deaf ears and, after months and months of supplications to the gods of carbs and cardio, I still felt flabby sitting at home in my too-tight sweatpants.

“Why won’t these lazy deities get up and help me out?” I thought.

But then I realized that making a deal with the devil is just as valid a workout option as thoughts and prayers, even if running from my inner demons all these years and performing professionally diagnosed “Olympic-level mental gymnastics” never really yielded me anything except expensive therapy bills.

Long story short, I sold my soul to the demons occupying the gaping void beneath Yoga Hell, and don’t regret it. Nope. Not one bit.

It’s one of those damned if you do and damned if you don’t sort of deals.

As one can see, there’s a fine line between health, wellness and hell itself. We can’t all be perfect little angels when it comes to crushing those fitness goals…and Yoga Hell is a rare utopia that welcomes heathens like me who just want to strike that perfect balance between being healthy and abject debauchery.

Yoga Hell, well, it’s like a fitness fever dream—all heat and lights and sweat in a never ending celebration of exercise. Now I’m either enlightened or depraved, but either way my chakras are permanently stuck on “rave.”

Yoga Hell is located at 1484 Petaluma Blvd N. To learn more or book that first descent into the inferno’s cruel and sweaty embrace, call 707.775.2400. Or just drop on in—God knows that’s how Lucifer did it!


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