Napa Valley
Napa Valley has as many wine tasting venues as I have toes (more than 400, to be exact). The untrained wine-tasting palate may find themself visiting all of them, only to think, “Yup, that tastes like wine.”
But no one in the Napa wine industry will allow for that sort of nonsense. And inexperienced tasters must, by unofficial mandate, play along…or else. Not to alarm anyone, but the last person who failed to validate a local vino’s unique and unmistakably superior caliber went missing from an unnamed, fault-less and completely unsuspicious Napa winery more than a decade ago.
On the bright side, that same innocent nigh-on seraphic winery put out an incredible cabernet sauvignon vintage that very same year; the batch is unmatched among its peers and boasts an incredible body with a rounded mouthfeel and the perfect—I mean perfect—amount of tannins. I counted; they’re all there.
Anyways, this cab’s rich flavor is reminiscent of in-season stonefruit, and each sip bursts across the front of your palate like the first bite of a sun-warmed plum plucked straight from your favorite memories of childhood, back when you were still happy and papa hadn’t left yet.
The vintage then melds seamlessly into its middle notes, the most notable of which tastes unmistakably of 97% cocoa, indistinguishable from that found in Bruges, Belgium. This heavenly vino then finishes with a most delectable lingering aftertaste of farm-to-table leather…yummy (please don’t hurt me).
So, newbies and beer-drinkers, please just nod enthusiastically when the server mentions notes of black currants and Szechuan pepper and gasp in abject awe at the bubbling pattern if they point it out to you. Seriously, if you value your life, just allow the Napa wine industry to gaslight you until you can taste what they’re talking about too…at least you think you can. Reality is subjective, right? Until then, just enjoy the imposter syndrome and sticker shock.
Note: If I don’t publish again after this, please tell my family I love them.
