As Charles Bukowski wrote in his novel Barfly, “It’s not that I don’t like people. I just feel better when they’re not around.”
But Bukowski was a bar customer, not a bartender. And we bartenders feel exactly the opposite.
The two women sitting in front of me were fairly well gussied up. In olden days, people dressed for dinner, but it’s much rarer to see that now. If someone is dressed for dinner, it usually means they have plans for after dinner, or even before.
Since it was slow, I struck up a conversation. And while Oscar Wilde famously said that men and women can’t be friends, it would be wise to consider who Oscar Wilde was, and why he said that.
The three of us chatted for a while. “What are you up to tonight? That sounds interesting. Are you from around here?” All the usual small talk.
But then we got around to flirting. Harmless friendly funny flirting. We were all in the same age bracket, so the same cultural references landed, the same musical artists were noted, and the same jokes registered.
It was all good harmless fun. They had on wedding rings. I had on a wedding ring. We all knew where we stood, and we could have fun with it. One of the great things about being a bartender is that bartenders are non-threatening, meaning that we are expected to engage with everybody.
Over the next year or so, I saw the two women several times. They were on their way to the concert, or they were just out for a hike.
But it was always good harmless fun.
When one reaches a certain age in life, one usually takes things a bit less seriously. However, also when one reaches a certain age, there are some things that one does have to take a little more seriously. And when one reaches a very particular age, one must take tests to see just how seriously.
Luckily, my doctor was funny, which certainly helped. I think he even asked me if I was “anal retentive.” He laughed, and I laughed. It was all good fun surrounding a relatively unfun procedure.
I made my appointment and went through all the steps. My wife supportively tagged along as my driver.
Then the nurse announced my name to the waiting room. She looked at me, and I looked at her. She was one of the two women.
“Is that your wife in the waiting room?” she asked in the hall.
“It is,” I said.
“I didn’t know you were married,” said she.
“Well, I am,” I said.
Which was followed by a rather uncomfortable silence broken only by a seemingly unnecessarily terse, “Change into this, and leave the back open.”
Ten minutes later when she came to collect me, I was painfully aware that I wasn’t wearing any pants. Which was only made more painful by what she said.
“I never noticed your wedding ring,” she said, her own wedding ring being as obvious as mine.
“I never take it off,” I said.
Not really the kind of conversation one wants to have standing in front of someone pantsless when one is going to be unconscious and pantsless in just a few minutes.
When I walked into the procedural room, my doctor noticed my discomfort and made a little joke.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll be gentle.” Leaving me with these thoughts:
• It wasn’t the doctor I was worried about.
• Anal retentive describes a psychological state, not a physiological one.
• Jokes are only funny if both people think they are.
• A little harmless flirting can sometimes bite one on the rear end, metaphorically speaking, of course.
Jeff Burkhart is an award-winning writer and bartender.
