Steel Panther are a lot more fun than Tenacious D, plain and simple. Instead of ironic fanboy shtick, you get four of the Sunset Strip’s finest cock-rock veterans combining authentic ‘80s hair-metal riffs with a cartoonish brand of hyper-chauvinistic raunchiness not seen since the golden age of hip-hop. While their brand of hard rock is a throwback to the age of hairspray, Steel Panther’s hilarious tales of groupies, drug abuse, and all-around debauchery have once again made it cool to pump your fists to power chords and boneheaded arena-rock choruses.
Key to the songs’ potency are the band’s astounding musical chops, especially in power ballads like the tender “Weenie Ride”, the instant classic “Why Can’t You Trust Me”, and the star-crossed romance tale “Fat Girl (Thar She Blows)”. No, really. When it comes to banshee shrieks and virtuoso guitar solos, singer Michael Starr and guitarist Satchel (second from right and far right, respectively) give Diamond Dave and Eddie Van Halen a run for their money (and are certainly better comedians). We chatted with Satchel via phone at the start of their U.S. tour, which hits San Francisco’s Regency Ballroom this Thursday.
Is it true you’re from Redwood City?
I was born in Redwood City back before they had hospitals. I was born in a one-room schoolhouse. It was a long, long time ago. I don’t even think they had brick buildings back then. I’m much older than you or anyone in your family probably. But I look good because I’m well-preserved, and I’m not afraid to experiment with different…what I like to call preservatives. Drugs keep me young, keep me healthy, keep my mind fresh, and I’m always able to keep a smile on my face, really. I think if you can take enough substances and remain happy, you’ll be able to enjoy life more and you live longer…if your heart doesn’t stop because of the cocaine.
Exactly, if you can avoid that. So how crazy has it been on tour?
It’s been nuts. I don’t mean to brag, but…I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but toot toot! Some of the craziest heavy metal bands of all time have been to our shows. We toured with Motley Crue. And honestly, we partied so hard, it’s almost like we make them look like The Carpenters. There’s so much crazy stuff going on backstage. We party so hard, we’re like the Ringling Brothers of heavy metal.
You guys played Wembley Stadium in England recently [with Def Leppard and Motley Crue]. How was that? Vindication that Steel Panther has a place among the greats?
It was pretty awesome. We’ve had opportunities to do things like that, and it’s great to do that, play huge venues. But what’s really satisfying is when the entire audience is singing along with our words. I always had a dream to write some of the most honest, filthy lyrics of all time and have large audiences sing them back to me, word for word. For me, that’s living the dream. When I look out there and I see a 17-year-old girl singing about anal sex, it feels like I accomplished my goal.
Definitely. A lot of your songs, like “The Shocker” and “Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’, seem like public service announcements, almost didactic in nature. In “Just Like Tiger Woods” off your latest album, you warn listeners to avoid the traps that led to his undoing. Have you guys received feedback from Tiger Woods himself?
A lot of people don’t believe in this, but I’m psychic. And Tiger has sent me telepathic messages. People may laugh at that, but he’s actually told me, thank you. Thank you for writing that song, thank you for basically praising what I did. Because a lot of people put him down for that and our song just lifts him up and what he did and exalts it. I think he appreciated it. As a matter of fact, I know he did, because he sent me messages through brain waves. It was really cool, cool to hear from him. And not in a letter or email. I think it’s more personal this way, when people send you telepathic messages.
I just saw the advertisement for the Prosthetic Shocker [link is SFW]. Can you talk a bit about that?
Yeah, it’s available sometime in July. You can get it at Target and lots of other stores. Even at Exxon. If you get gas, you can actually pick one up at the gas station. It’s cool because a lot of people drive, and if you’re stopping to get gas you don’t want to stop at a different store to get the Prosthetic Shocker. You can just walk in the gas station and get a Diet Coke and maybe some donuts and pick up with the Prosthetic Shocker too.
That’s exciting. What’s the retail price?
I think it’s somewhere between $19.95 and $300.00, but I don’t know for sure.
Any trouble getting the Prosthetic Shocker into Walmart? They’re notorious for refusing to carry certain items.
Well, we’ve had problems with Walmart before with our records, which I think is really strange. It’s Middle America that’s really seemed to embrace Steel Panther. We don’t get a lot of radio airplay because the big corporations try to keep everything family-friendly, so it’s really the real rockers who dig what we’re singing about, and that’s Middle America too. People who live in Boise and Tucson, just rockers who shop at Walmart. They go out and they wear their pajamas and their flip-flops out to the Walmart and they crank Steel Panther on their boom box through the Walmart…I forgot what you asked because I’m pretty stoned right now, but I think it was a pretty good answer anyway.
Yeah, it was a great answer.
Thank you.
You are branching out more from your residencies in L.A. and Las Vegas. Of the new cities you guys are playing, which one stands out?
They’re all so good, it’s hard to compare. There are awesome fans in virtually every city we play. We just played in Vancouver two nights ago, and that place goes nuts every time. We’ve been doing a lot of new cities in Europe. If I had to pick a favorite city, I’m just going to pick Amsterdam. We haven’t played there yet, but I know that you can buy a lot of drugs there, so that’s cool.
There you go. People really love your latest album Balls Out, which even debuted in the Top 40. Will this mean anything different for you guys from now on?
When we were writing and recording Balls Out, I didn’t want to do anything too different from Feel the Steel, because it kicked so much ass. I didn’t want to stray too far off from what we do. For me, the most important thing is to write bitchin’ songs about what we know, which is partying and basically partying, and when we’re not partying, we just still keep on partying. So we’re going to write a third record that’s about partying and having sex and doing drugs and shit like that, and it’s going to be bitchin’ too.
Any more detail you can give about the next record?
I’ve got a lot of songs I’ve recorded already and a lot more that haven’t recorded because we’re so busy traveling, but a lot of cool choruses. People think that it’s our subject matter that is a defining point of the band, because there’s really no line that we won’t cross lyrically. But I think what really brings it together are the hooks. All our songs have hooks, they’re all catchy, whether it’s a ballad like “Weenie Ride” or “Girl From Oklahoma” or a song like “Death to All But Metal”. That’s what any good band, I feel, needs to have. And the subject matter of our new stuff is going to be different, because you don’t want every song to be about anal sex, although I’m fine with that. But most want a little variety. But you’ve got to have those giant, arena-rock choruses.
Well, let’s talk a bit more about Balls Out, your current record. It’s seems a lot more aggressive than your first record. Are you guys just hornier, angrier, or both?
Gosh. If anybody in the band has anger issues, it’s probably me, but I don’t know why that is. I feel like I’ve dealt with all of my childhood issues and being beaten by people and stuff like that. And I got molested a few times, but it’s not a big deal. I just kind of incorporated that into my sex life. I’m a lot angrier than the other guys. And I’m always horny, which probably has to do with being molested too, so…
So what can people expect at the San Francisco show?
It’s been a long time since we’ve played San Francisco, and we have honed our show. It’s definitely one of the top 100 heavy metal shows that you can see in not only California but also probably the tri-state area. Actually, by the time we get there, there will be things we do onstage that we’re not even doing now. Like our lead singer Michael Starr just recently lost about 12 pounds in water weight, so he’s doing back flips off the drum riser. We had a little person…a lot of people call them midgets, but a lot of little people don’t like that word…so I call them little people…actually I called a little person a midget one time and he got pissed and kicked me in the nuts…
Oh jeez…
…and he was right down there by my nuts, so it was a horrible experience.
Point-blank range…
Yeah. So we have a little person that gets totally naked and jumps in the crowd and body surfs. So it’s exciting and scary at the same time, because he’s naked. If he lands on you, you never know what part of the little person is going to touch you. Because you don’t want him to land on your face, you have to stick your hands out to get the naked little person away, but sometimes you end up touching his genitalia, which is really creepy. But it’s a great part of the show.
Exactly. What should people bring to the show? Is there a special Steel Panther Concert Kit?
As long as they bring an open mind and the girls are ready to take their clothes off. If you’re a girl at our show, a lot of times you’re going to end up getting naked even though you don’t think you’re going to. A lot of girls get very excited when they see me on stage, and they end up taking their clothes off…and a lot of them end up having sex with me, which is cool. A lot of times, you leave with less than you came with. You’ll be missing panties, sometimes your virginity, things like that. So I think the most important thing is to come with an open attitude…and maybe some K-Y jelly.
How was the recent show opening for Guns N’ Roses? Did you guys get to hang out with Axl?
It was awesome. The other guys didn’t get to hang with Axl, but I did. I hung out with him quite a bit. He’s got his own personal tour bus. We hung out and talked about stuff, about how difficult it is to be, like, the main guy in a band. Because in his band, he is, and I’m pretty much the main guy in my band, too.
Okay, sure…
So we really bonded over that, because it’s just really hard with all the other guys counting on you to be the main dude. A lot of pressure involved. But we both felt good talking about it with each other. That night be both did the best shows we’d done in recent memory. And we had sex with some girls after the show together, which was fun. A little chick swapping. He’s a cool guy. He’s got a bad rap. People come down on him hard for going onstage late and stuff like that, but he’s way cool. Me and Axl really hit it off.
In your signature song “Death to All But Metal”, you lamented the pop music landscape. Is it any better today? Any worse?
It’s funny, I am actually trapped in a world of my own creation, which is only heavy metal. I don’t even know what’s going on now. There’s already been like 40 American Idol winners. Who can keep track of that stuff? Fifteen years ago, if you were a popular artist you could really get out there and force yourself on everybody, and now it’s getting harder and harder to do that. Even this Justin Bieber kid. He’s cramming himself down people’s throats and he’s only sold like a couple hundred thousand records his first week, you know? That’s a kick in the nuts. I think that people like that should realize that heavy metal is the future of rock, you know?
Thanks so much for taking the time, Satchel. I appreciate it.
Thank you. I can’t wait to come up to San Francisco and rock your balls off.
Steel Panther plays Thursday, July 12th at the Regency Ballroom in San Francisco. Tickets are available here.
.Interview: Satchel of Steel Panther
