.Open Mic: Aging Gracefully

As of the last census, 23% of Marinites were 65 or older, and in that bastion of youth, Sonoma County, it’s about 21%.

If you find yourself in that count, read on.

I came up with this better mousetrap because it is my nature to get the most payoff from the least effort; i.e., I’m lazy.

We’re old, or at least old-ish, and we’d all like to feel younger. We live here, so we accept the conventional Marinoma path to the fountain. We exercise, we do yoga, we try to get enough sleep, maybe close our iPads before 8 p.m. We’re quasi vegans, seafood eating (except for octopus, after we saw that “Teacher” movie), locavores (except for Fiji water) and we just downloaded the Kindle version of “Meditate While Driving.” That’s a lot of effort, and I know I’m risking deportation here, but does the morning backache, never seeing “SNL” live and that unfulfilled craving for a T-bone actually make you feel younger?

Well, I have a faster, cheaper, eat all the ice cream you want, answer. Talk younger. Here’s what I mean.

Delete any words or phrases that capitulate to your biological age, such as:

Starting a sentence with “At my age…” or ending a sentence with “if I live that long.”

The term “organ recital” to describe your latest symptoms.

Jokes like; “A colonoscopy is just a prostate exam that commits.”

Words like replacement, memory, great-grandchildren, Eisenhower or better mousetrap.

Add in words and phrases that will make your teenage relatives cringe and give you that look. This admittedly takes a little practice. Try this:

At the dinner table, casually mention that there’s this guy at the gym that’s straight up fire and you might have caught feelings for him. What would people say if they thought we were shipping, you wonder. All you know is that if he ever ghosts you, it’ll be, like, the 13th reason.

Try it. Nothing to lose, but a decade or two.

David Bickart lives in Marin County. To have your topical essay considered for publication, write to us at [email protected]

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