Idaho Department of Fish and Game 600 S. Walnut P.O. Box 25 Boise, ID 83707
Dear Idaho Department of Fish and Game,
Please excuse my ignorance, as I am uncertain as to your jurisdiction over the following matter. I am interested in a position as an Ursus horribilis, more commonly known as a grizzly bear. While I have never worked as a bear before, I nevertheless feel that my 26 years as a human being–including a weeklong stint as the Easter Bunny at a local mall–will only enhance relations between our embittered species. I love the outdoors, eating copious amounts of salmon and berries; and I hibernate nightly. I require only a modest salary and can start immediately. I should mention that I am not interested in a position as a black bear, as the habitual forays of black bears into the human realm reflect the inherent despotism of their race.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, Kenneth H. Cleaver
In response to your letter, I have the following information. You are correct: the Idaho Fish and Game Department does not have any jurisdiction over grizzly bears. They are a federally listed species, so the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service manages them.
However, I find your wishes to work as a grizzly bear rather admirable, and perhaps someday there will be an opening. But one must remember that human beings routinely shoot them or destroy their habitat.
One could enjoy eating salmon and berries, but you should be aware that the entire run of Salmon in the Columbia basin is in trouble. Without the public getting involved, greed and a profit motive will allow the human species to cause these magnificent fish to go extinct in the next 20 years.
What can you do? Get educated on the salmon issue, and then become involved in saving them. Then if and when you get a job as a bear you will still have something to eat.
My secretary, Donna, said she would like to have a picture of you in your Easter Bunny outfit, so if you have a good one, could you please send her a copy?
Sincerely, Pat Cudmore
From the July 5-11, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.