.Best Spot for Arborial Romance

Armstrong Redwoods, Santa Rosa

Writing about the glory of the sequoias, naturalist John Muir once said, “I am in the woods woods woods and they are in mee-ee-ee.”

Muir was horny for redwoods, and who could blame him? The sight of such majestic trunks soaring hundreds of feet overhead, the musk of the forest floor, dewy air beading on one’s skin like sweat.

In today’s state parks, it can be hard to find the requisite seclusion to act on the lust the scenery inspires. Guerneville’s Armstrong Redwoods provides a solution to this problem—scenic roads so one can enjoy a romantic oral encounter from the relative privacy of one’s car.

music in the park san jose
music in the park san jose

As the narrow road weaves through the forest, sequoias aren’t the only wood soaring skyward. The gentle rumble of the car adds a soft, arousing vibration. A speed bump ensures the car will move slowly, but it also helps quicken your pace—nudging your lover’s thick trunk deeper into your mouth.

When you come up for air, it is fresh, frisky, forest air and it impels your face right back down into your lover’s intoxicating lap. You are in the woods and the wood is in you. — C.R.G.

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North Bay Bohemian E-edition North Bay Bohemian E-edition