If I were a homeowner, I would want my house to stand out. No, I’m not talking about slapping on a fresh coat of paint, installing a thought-provoking lawn sign or maintaining a particularly tasteful garden.
I’d want something really unique that made me the talk of the neighborhood—or maybe even beyond. Luckily, I stumbled on just the right thing at the Sebastopol Hardware Center.
Imagine my surprise as I witnessed a steady stream of patrons hauling away bags of potting soil and other products without once spotting the store’s real prize: Bigfoot.
That’s right. After decades of grainy photographs and countless generations of mythological tales told across campfires around the world, it turns out that Sasquatch was resting in a downtown Sebastopol parking lot all along. Even more astounding, you can take the mysterious creature home for just $1,999.99 plus tax.
Sure, at first glance, that seems like a lot of money. But, then again, how can anyone put a price on the endless stream of conversations I’d kick off by placing a life-size Bigfoot in the middle of my future flower bed?
But don’t worry, the heartless capitalist in me has also rationalized this purchase. I’m placing a bet that the value of this cryptozoological all-star will only rise, just like a Beanie Baby in the 1990s or one of the new-fangled NFTs online today.
Here’s a sign: Just last March, Hulu published a documentary series titled “Sasquatch,” chronicling the many alleged violent crimes Bigfoot has committed in the Emerald Triangle, the cannabis gold mine just a few hours north of Sebastopol.
It’s not all good news. Even though I’ve figured out one centuries-long mystery, I still need to figure out the mystery besetting my generation: affording a home. —W.C.
