There was an awkward “Bro” hug, and then mutual backslaps. Guys nights out always seem to start this way.
The other universal greeting, the handshake, is similar in that there is a right way and a wrong way. And those two things are contingent upon who the friends are. Don’t believe me? Try giving your boss a very aggressive handshake and just see how that goes.
“Dude!” was posited.
“Dude!” was reciprocated.
The basics of male friendships aren’t very complicated. Proving that point, two whiskeys were ordered. Easy peasy.
“Hey, sorry about last time,” said one of the two men.
“No problem,” replied the other man. “I was just a little annoyed that you forgot your wallet after what had happened before.”
“It was an honest mistake,” said the first man, stirring his whiskey with his finger. “I did really appreciate you helping me move.”
“Yeah, but when I had to help you move, and then I had to buy you dinner too, that kind of irritated me.”
They both sat in silence for a while, rotating the large spherical ice cubes in their glasses with their fingers, the whiskey sheeting down like prescient reddish clouds on a crystal ball.
Menus weren’t even glanced at.
“You have hamburgers, right?”
“We do,” replied the bartender.
“Two cheeseburgers then, with bacon.”
That man smiled at the single woman sitting next to him. It wasn’t clear whether it was because of that, or for other reasons, until it was clear.
“What are you drinking? he asked the woman.
“Rosé,” she said.
And then he went back to talking to his friend.
The two men then sat side by side staring at the sporting event on the TV. Nothing was said again, until the burgers—cheeseburgers—arrived.
“Another round,” said the first man, making a circling motion.
“I’m fine,” said the second man.
“Come on, I’m taking care of you for taking care of me,” said Man 1.
“You don’t have to do that,” replied Man 2.
“But I want to.”
“Sure, but I have to use the bathroom first.”
The second man got up and went to the restroom all by himself, an observable behavior peculiar to just the male of the species.
“Let me get you another,” said Man 1, turning his attention back to the single woman on the other side of him.
“Sure,” said the woman.
That brief superfluous conversation ended the minute his friend returned.
More drinks followed. And more food. And another glass of wine for that woman. Gratitude can so often be gratuitous. Dessert and coffee then followed. It was the full ride.
The only thing in the restaurant equation more annoying than waiting for your first drink, is waiting for your check. And the last thing a person reliant on gratuities should ever do, is irritate someone right before they figure out exactly what that will be.
“I got this,” said Man 1, extravagantly producing his credit card.
He said something similar when that card was declined, and also when the next one was.
“Will you take a check?” he asked the bartender.
Not likely, after two declined credit cards.
His friend was now forced to produce his own credit card, because if your friend can’t pay, you are going to have to, it’s the law.
“I can’t believe this,” said Man 2, looking at the extravagant bill, with two drinks for a complete stranger, that he was now forced to pay.
“Sorry, dude,” said Man 1.
Leaving me with these thoughts:
• What do you call a friend without any benefits? Asking for a friend.
• “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you,” said circus man PT Barnum.
• Just kidding, PT Barnum never actually said that. He did say “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
• Nope, he never said that either.
• Sometimes drinking buddies aren’t really buddies, sometimes they’re not even friends.
