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Consumer Correspondent
The President's Challenge
Dear President's Challenge:
Of my many memories of adolescent emasculation, few have taxed my self-esteem for as long as the debacle of my seventh-grade President's Challenge pull-up test. Perhaps it was payback for dogging it in the 600-yard run or spending so many gym . . . I mean, "physical education" . . . classes manufacturing spit wads in the boys' room. With the help of a physical trainer and a cultural climate conducive to equal-opportunity narcissism, I have now developed a respectable frame. But at age 13, strength was not my strength. Even the surge of desperate adrenaline in the presence of a coed peer group could not furnish me with the necessary muscle for a pull-up. Not one!
Strangely enough, children's sports etiquette can often serve as a model for adult society. Could you imagine the Israelis and Palestinians calling a "do over"? Luckily, I'm not a disputed Holy Land, but a post-adolescent therapy patient. Upon the advice of my therapist, I have been trying to conquer outstanding traumas. In essence, healing myself through a series of "do overs." I would be forever in your debt should you grant me another pull-up test. My current workout regime features numerous pull-ups of the wide, parallel, and traditional grips, and I feel physically and psychologically ready for the challenge. My therapist stresses the need for the test to be as accurate a re-creation as possible, so I would appreciate it if you could stock the test site with roughly 60 boys and girls 12 and 13 years of age.
I realize this might be tricky to coordinate, but my schedule is flexible.
Thanks in advance,
Mr. Kenneth H. Cleaver
Dear Mr. Cleaver:
We regret to inform you that we are unable to provide you with any setup such as you have requested. We recommend that you contact a school in your area to see if one of the instructors is able to help you realize your objective. Best of luck to you in your positive endeavors!
Sincerely,
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