Nov. 24-Dec. 1: The Thanksgiving Tales of Four Loko


One Loko…Aw yeah, what we up to tonight? I just got me the last pack of Four Loko down at Bill’s Friendly Market. You hear they been bannin’ that stuff all over? Man, good thing they did, or I’d’a never heard of it, know what I’m sayin’? So I got some Four Loko, gonna get a good buzz on, head on down to Fairfax to see the Jacka. It’s like the Austin of Marin County, Fairfax. Or more like Amsterdam. Ooh! This Four Loko is some sick-ass drink. Do they really be drinkin’ this in New York City? You ever had it? Big-ass blast of caffeine and alcohol in one slug. Ugh! I mean, I guess it’s better’n mixing Folgers and PBR, but damn! Oh well, whatever it takes to get lit for my boy the Jacka. He gonna be settin’ it off for the Fairfax blazers on Saturday, Nov. 27, at 19 Broadway Niteclub. 19 Broadway, Fairfax. 10pm. $20. 415.459.1091. Two Loko… Dude, you know what? I think I’m’a chill out instead. This Four Loko, man, it’s goin’ on. I met these girls at Jasper O’Farrell’s last week said they were goin’ to see this Shotgun Wedding Quintet band or something. I think it’s tonight. Maybe they wanna share some Four Loko with me, get a lil’ faded with a guy. I, like, stumbled in to one of those Shotgun things once and it was tight, like dudes rapping over jazz, but then it went into some Michael Jackson and then some Pharcyde stuff. Here’s the facts: I got the Four Loko and the girls are gonna be there. FACT. Like Brian Wilson. You seen that? FACT. Ha! Le’ss go over there and bring the Four Loko, bro, for the Shotgun Wedding bros with 808 bros an’ Radioactive bro on Friday, Nov. 26, at the Hopmonk Tavern. 230 Petaluma Ave., Sebastopol. 9pm. $13. 707.829.7300. Three Loko…Awwwww yeeeaaahahhhah! Four Loko is the jam! I just drove to Old Chicago an’ ordered two pizzas! One to eat and one to friggin’ throw at a car! I jus’ went into the bathroom and took a bite out of the mirror! Four Loko! I’m gonna set my watch back five hours an’ watch Yo Gabba Gabba reruns an’ then catch up to fake time at 4am OooOFfF! Sorry, did I fell down zze stairs? Whazzzat over there? Big movie place. No, wait, not movie. Roy Rogers. On a horse? Wha? Oh, the side guitar. Not side? Slide. Slide guitar! Slidewinder Roy! Well lookout world, tonight’s the night I get down with Roy! Sing the blues, brother! Whoo-hoo! I got the Four Loko blues, can’find my own shoes, I’m gonna be sick but les’s go to Jack in the Box first on Saturday, Nov. 27, at the Mystic Theatre. 21 Petaluma Blvd. N., Petaluma. 8pm. $20. 707.765.2121. Four Loko!Juuuuuiiiiiiiiiccccccccyyyyyyyyy! Where’s the more Four Loko f’r t’night? Text the Four Loko man t’ come an’ bring it. For me. More Loko. I jus’ wann stay here ’n lay down. Here in the urban jungle. Stay here naked. Eat mangoes naked. Eat mangoes naked! Da’s a book m’ mom had. Silly thing ’bout livin’ your own way doin’ whacho want. Juicy life! Dere’s no mangoes. How’n cab I eat d mangoes naked if’n no mango? I cannot have a da mango? What the FOUR LOKO!!!! Who said it? Chris Kattannnnnnnn. No! Fark ur like Sark ur like . . . somethin’. Dayyuumm I be honesss I be hella wasted on the Loko an’ all I want is t’ cuddle up to th’ book with the mangoes and the naked. Sark Sark Sark. Eat Sarkity Sark Sark mangoes on the goodbye Sarky Tuesday, Nov. 30, at Copperfield’s Books. 138 N. Main St., Sebastopol. 7pm. Free. 707.823.2618.



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